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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Well, my wife had an affair for twelve weeks and then left me for six weeks. We almost divorced, then we reconciled and stayed together for four weeks. Then after discovering she still contacted him, without telling me, I was ugly and insulting towards her for eight hours straight. A few days later she left for the other person.

In the middle she came clean about everything, admitted she was wrong, apologized and committed herself to rebuilding our marriage. It is a sex relationship, no doubt. She does whatever the other guy wants sexually.

I got tired of the back and forth, the other guy kept calling and sending the police, and I left the country. I took nothing but the clothes on my back. Now, our divorce paperwork has sat for three months unsigned by her. She seems unwilling to formally end our marriage.

For me, I am just going to have fun, date and fool around as much as I can with other women and forget about this. Yes, she can have him, but I am going to have a good many. Does this ever work out? Will she ever come back?

It's been a near twenty year relationship. Last time, she left in the night, I thought it is over. So, I am now looking for someone new.
 

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Well, my wife had an affair for twelve weeks and then left me for six weeks. We almost divorced, then we reconciled and stayed together for four weeks. Then after discovering she still contacted him, without telling me, I was ugly and insulting towards her for eight hours straight. A few days later she left for the other person.

You didn't reconcile anything. Her affair never ended. Now you think you're the bad guy for being angry and upset? She showed her true colors. Drop the rope and let her go.

In the middle she came clean about everything, admitted she was wrong, apologized and committed herself to rebuilding our marriage. It is a sex relationship, no doubt. She does whatever the other guy wants sexually.

Just a bunch of words which are meaningless. She's shown you who she is and what she's gonna do. Maybe you should believe that

I got tired of the back and forth, the other guy kept calling and sending the police, and I left the country. I took nothing but the clothes on my back. Now, our divorce paperwork has sat for three months unsigned by her. She seems unwilling to formally end our marriage.

She already ended the marriage. You are the one who apparently can't let go.

For me, I am just going to have fun, date and fool around as much as I can with other women and forget about this. Yes, she can have him, but I am going to have a good many. Does this ever work out? Will she ever come back?

Why would you want her back? You need to fix yourself. Get the D thru and get on with your life.

It's been a near twenty year relationship. Last time, she left in the night, I thought it is over. So, I am now looking for someone new.
Twenty years was meaningless to her or she wouldn't be gone would she? Finish it and move on
 

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Why would you want her back now.
She has already destroyed the marriage.
Move on find someone new. You know what to do
leave her alone and move on to better.

If you see the other man walk up to him
and shake his hand and say thanks for taking her
off my hands and good luck. Do this in front of her
if possible. Yes it is mean but they deserve each other.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
She signed the divorce today. It had sat around for a good many months, unsigned. I got 90% of everything. Then when she called me today she talked about us getting remarried in a month.

She was unhappy the AP wrote her a long love letter, wanting marriage and children. He took her to a therapist, strange. In the office, my ex-wife told him no way, no marriage and no children. He was hurt and angry. I think, the divorce, which he wanted, may end the affair. And my leaving may have forced her to think hard. He is a control freak.

She asked me to move back in with her in a few weeks into our old place. But, she stays with him now. She says not because she choose him, because she had no place else to go after I insisted she quit her job and we leave. She wanted badly to keep the job for the pension. She was one day from being fired for missing work at my insistence.

She says she will move back into our old place and live there alone at the therapist's urging to think about herself. I am dubious of this request of hers for me to stay away for a few weeks. None the less, we set an approximate date for my return. She further said she would not take, although he had offered, financial help from him.

Her plan as she described was to separate again from him and try to be friends. She doubted this would work as she had tried before and he could not accept this. As for us, she sincerely talked about what was wrong in our marriage and how I can improve it. The one thing she liked about him.

I think why not see. Go back for a bit. The divorce is done. I am skeptical. Nothing in the call was suggestive of her remaining with him more than her keeping a positive opinion of him as a person. She said he was not such a bad person as I had said he was.

Amy comments on this mess?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Marc878,

Dude I am faced with two futures. The one I planned with her. We worked for this together. Or a very different alternative living in another country married to a younger woman.

So, it is not so easy to walk.

Andy
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
One last strange request from her. She asked if I wanted to meet him. She said he wanted to meet me before. I said yes. She got surprised. I find this so strange. But, I think it fits into her friends idea as "we would be friends".

Anyone encounter this???
 

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I would NOT get back with her if I were you.

It sounds like she doesn't want to be with you because you are the perfect match for her, her ideal husband. Instead, she wants to be with you because the plan with the controlling Affair Partner is not working out. You'd be "Plan B".

I'd never want to be "Plan B". If I'm not the first choice, then forget it. Because when a better "Plan A" comes around again with a new potential Affair Partner, you'd be right back in another mess.

There are 7 1/2 billion people on this planet. There's bound to be a better woman than this for you. Look harder.
 

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Earth to Andy,

Take her back and expect more of the same.

I do have a friend who took back his cheating ex, but didn't marry her again.

That seems to have worked out.

If you really think you can handle being with her, do it while you're not married to her.

If she re-builds something with you over the years, you may wish to re-consider.... but I wouldn't until you're well into your mid to late 50's.

Then the danger is largely past.
 

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You will always be "Plan B". If you can suck your pride down like a baby on a bottle then go for it. She will find another "Plan A" somewhere down the line. You can count on it.

I'm not jaded from divorce and cheating like many here...I'm 21 years happy married. My advice comes from the perspective of your post reflecting the fact that your

a run away type of guy. Respect comes from men that stand up and believe in what they want ..... and aren't scared to confront things that oppose it. Passive is not

attractive or demanding of respect .....as you say "she can have him."...that's not gonna work. People always....and I do mean always...fail to take responsibility for

their part of the problem. What your wife did was wrong..that is for sure. Your always gonna be "Plan B" guy with the way your handling. Find yourself a weak and needy

woman. Your gonna have a lot less problems that way.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
You will always be "Plan B". If you can suck your pride down like a baby on a bottle then go for it. She will find another "Plan A" somewhere down the line. You can count on it.

I'm not jaded from divorce and cheating like many here...I'm 21 years happy married. My advice comes from the perspective of your post reflecting the fact that your

a run away type of guy. Respect comes from men that stand up and believe in what they want ..... and aren't scared to confront things that oppose it. Passive is not

attractive or demanding of respect .....as you say "she can have him."...that's not gonna work. People always....and I do mean always...fail to take responsibility for

their part of the problem. What your wife did was wrong..that is for sure. Your always gonna be "Plan B" guy with the way your handling. Find yourself a weak and needy

woman. Your gonna have a lot less problems that way.
Mr. Marriage,

Not true. We talk a lot about what caused her to have the affair. What was missing in our relationship. And after many calls we may be getting back together.

Three points.

Point one. She was happy with me. I was her whole world for 14 years. Then, I became unhappy. Unable to make me happy, she too, became sad. This went on for some long time, until she thought to find another who could be happy and make her happy.

Point two, What came out was her desire to not hurt me at any cost to herself. If she wanted to do something but I suggested I did not like it, she would not do it. Or even if I spoke unfavorably of it. This had to stop. I need to be supportive.

Point three, My sex on demand attitude put her in a position of feeling obligated to have sex with me not for mutual enjoyment, but for my sole enjoyment. This has to stop. I need to be romantic.

It is so rocky now I cannot tell if it will work. We are divorced. But, she wants to be with me. And talks happily about getting married again. She ended her relationship with the affair partner.

Point one is the reason for the affair. Points two and three came up because of the affair.

My need to reduce my insecurity may conflict with her need to heal. She says she needs to be alone, but I say I need to be with her to heal my insecurity. Which brings up Point two. How such a mess came to be after 20 years is unbelievable. I blame the affair partner. To have the affair he had to manipulate the worst parts of her character and our relationship bringing them to the surface.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 · (Edited)
Also I have noticed she has started to not trust me. This suggests she is not being trustworthy herself. It is a HUGE mess. What was once a happy relationship.

To this point, when she thinks she upsets me, she checks up on me to see or know what I am doing. To imply I would at slight insult to my ego look elsewhere.

I am not stupid or weak. One gets entangled in this because of the extent of the relationship. If she were my girlfriend I would leave at will.
 

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I would rather amputate my arm than move back in with someone toxic like your wife.

Admit you made a mistake in believing in her, and move on.

And more importantly, figure out why you don't love yourself enough to insist on refusing to tolerate the intolerable.

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk
 

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My God, man! She's doing you an absolute favor! The only thing that she could even conceivably begin to want you for is strictly for her OM's apparent ménage-a-trois tendencies!

Get her the hell out of Dodge while the getting is good! She's proven herself more than untrustworthy and definitely not marriage material!

The last and most endearing vision of her should be in your rear-view mirror!
 

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Why does she need to be married again for? She knows she does not do well in marriage.

Keeping dating and never marry her again. She has you so wrapped up that you are willing to blame everyone but her for the affairs.

If you keep dating it will ve easier to move on when she needs to leave again.

Then you can wait until she returns and start up again.
 

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Your self-loathing is palpable.

Be a man. Pretend she is dead. Enjoy life.
 

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You are actually thinking of getting back with her? Are you F*CKING kidding me?

"She asked me to move back in with her in a few weeks into our old place. But, she stays with him now. She says not because she choose him, because she had no place else to go after I insisted she quit her job and we leave. She wanted badly to keep the job for the pension. She was one day from being fired for missing work at my insistence.

She says she will move back into our old place and live there alone at the therapist's urging to think about herself. I am dubious of this request of hers for me to stay away for a few weeks.

SO, she HAS to stay with HIM now since she has no place else to go, yet you say she will move back to your old place alone? Do you NOT see the contradiction there?

Her plan as she described was to separate again from him and try to be friends.
She had a affair and yet she wants to REMAIN friends with him (and from below, wants YOU to be friends with him? SERIOUSLY, are you kidding? IF she wants you she should NEVER talk with him again or see him or have ANY contact with him EVER.
As for us, she sincerely talked about what was wrong in our marriage and how I can improve it .
So, YOU are the reason your marriage is in the tank and caused HER to have sex with someone else? Have you ever heard of blameshifting?

She asked if I wanted to meet him. She said he wanted to meet me before. I said yes. She got surprised. I find this so strange. But, I think it fits into her friends idea as "we would be friends".
Again, WHAT? YOU should be all friends together? Come on man, you cant possibly want this.
What came out was her desire to not hurt me at any cost to herself.
EXCEPT for the hurt caused by her banging someone else.

You got your divorce, you are free. WHY would you ever want back into this awful relationship....


Also I have noticed she has started to not trust me.
"

Again, you are free -- she doesn't trust YOU because SHE cheated??
DO you self a favor and give her the boot.....
 
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