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I got sucker punched

2064 Views 4 Replies 3 Participants Last post by  JCD
I have been with my husband for 15 years, 10 married. We have 2 young children. I am a SAHM and he works as a manager for a large construction company. His last job finished and instead of picking up and moving cross country, we both decided for the kids he would work out west for the 8 months and we would stay east. He left in June and we went out there for the summer but came back in time for school. It was hard but we were surviving. We went out for another visit in September and something was off but I couldn't place my finger on it. Then he started making excuses why he didn't call or answer the phone for an entire day. Hit or miss, sometimes he'd be fine other days he gave me that off feeling. He recently came home for Thanksgiving for the first time since June and things had changed. He would hardly talk to me, went out almost every night for a drink, and wouldn't touch me, which for him is unheard of. He went back west and didn't call the day he got back. He called the next day and I asked him where he was he said "out and about". I told him this wasn't working. 2 days later he confessed that he had slept with someone else. He flew home the next day so we could talk about it. He says he loves me, he doesn't want to throw away 15 years together but he doesn't know if we can be together. He walks a fine line with alcohol in general and he has been drinking alot lately. I have never seen him the way he was. He looked just looked so lost and he most definitely is depressed. He is a proud man that shows little to no emotion in general and doesn't like to ask for help but he even said he needed help. The affair is over. He left to go back west Sunday and he called a counselor today. His first appointment will be Wednesday. I am so torn with all of this. I completely trusted him going out there never even thought infidelity would be something we'd have to address. I did fear he would turn to alcohol though. I told him I want us to work things out, I truly love him that unconditionally. I told him we need to move out there so we can work on us or he needs to quit and move back to us. Neither are off the table as of now, but we have left it as, He gets counselling for the next 3 weeks, since he is due back for Xmas and then we take the next step from there. He says he wants to talk to the counselor first and then we can go to counseling together if that is what the counselor recommends. I feel numb at this point and am trying to just get through the day for my own sanity and the sake of my kids. Weirdly enough I am not mad at him, at least yet. The last 4 days have been a whirlwind of emotion. I don't even know what my question is at this point except for am I going insane to not think twice about forgiving him and to stay married?
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Okay. I'm in a long distance relationship with my wife too (inflicted on her. Long story)

It is not good for a man to be alone. I say this as a man who has spent a good part of his single and married life alone. The move is a good idea if you want to recover.

He needs to deal with the drinking issue, if for no other reason than he is the primary breadwinner for you and the family. This is totally beyond R or D.

The most critical question is what exactly happened. WHO is this woman? There is a vast difference between him hooking up for a night with a bargirl and emotionally engaging with someone else.

How critical was it for him to get work WAY OUT THERE? I took a job away from my wife because we were in a very bad place together and I wanted us to figure out if we were supposed to be together or not (Stupid really and I wouldn't advise it to anyone ignoring the fact is seems to be working for us.)

So how were things before he left?

I don't want to unnecessarily raise worries. You will get angry but you need to know more. I think it wise that you are taking this slow.

But let him know that if he is in touch with that woman again, it's over. Require her name and digits from him if he wants to reconcile and CONFIRM he isn't giving you a fake name.

Sorry this happened to you.
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Who is this woman? Some woman he met while playing in a pool league. I know her name. I now know her face and her address. Although he says he has no emotional ties to her, the fact is it wasn't a one time thing either but all times involved drinking and although certainly not an excuse, somehow it makes me feel better. I know I'm probably just fooling myself at this point.
Before he left we had a great marriage, although not perfect we were happy. He went west because if he didn't he wouldn't have a job. Neither of us wanted him to go but we had no choice really, the choice of course was, do we tough it out apart? or pick up and all of us move for 8 months. I am hating myself for ever coming to the agreement to not go. But we ultimately decided for him to go and us stay behind because, of course, one of has to work and two my son receives special services in his school here that have helped him dramatically and we didn't want to interfer with that.
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Does he work with this woman or run into her during his work day?

I suggest that you read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harely. It will help you set a plan for how to deal with this infidelity. When the two of you are ready to work on a recovery, then look at the books linked to below for building a passionate marriage... they will also help to affair proof your marriage.

You know know a weakness your husband has. He cannot last alone very long. This is actually not usual for men. You can rebuild your marriage to protect from this.
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Reactions: 1's very hard to fix things long distance. I'm a lot longer distance and my W and I are doing better....with a lot of effort.

But it ain't easy and if my current job was SOLID, I'd have my family with me in a SECOND!

Your school is not the only one with special services.

Do some homework. IF you want to reconcile.
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