ALWAYS trust your gut. That doesn’t mean it’s always right, but it’s always right unless/until proven otherwise.

Keep your mouth shut and don’t say anything else about it. Start investigating. Check her phone, texts and other applications that could be used for communications. Check your phone bills, email, etc.
It may be nothing, so don’t drive yourself too crazy with it. But if your gut says check, then check. Do your due diligence to protect your marriage and give yourself some peace of mind.

And if it turns out to be nothing, then start working on the distance in your relationship. Don’t ignore that or next time your gut may end up being right.

 

I came home a day early from a business trip about six weeks ago and found the toilet seat up in our upstairs guest bathroom. This may not be remarkable in most households, but I (51) live with my wife (44) and our 3 daughters (17, 15, 13). Living with four women means always putting the toilet seat down. It is an accommodation to their gender that I have fully embraced. We haven’t had houseguests since the Before Times, and no one really uses that bathroom except for overnight guests so finding the toilet seat up in an empty house in the middle of the day in the middle of the work week is, to put it mildly, odd. My daughters and their friends were still at school. My wife was still at work. I checked the doorbell video log, but no one had come in the house since everyone left around 7:15 that morning. This would bother me no matter what, but in the past year or so I’ve noticed some distance from my wife—like not being fully present in the evenings after dinner or in the bedroom and I can’t put my finger on it, but there is definitely a disturbance in the force. And she’s been on a slight-to-medium edge ever since I asked her about the toilet seat. Obviously I suspect there’s been another male in my house, but I have no idea when or why. I have no real reason to suspect she's cheating, but we are hitting our mid-lives and humans can be human so it is a possibility that is weighing on me. I found this website and I’ve been reading various threads looking for advice. She’s not guarding her phone, or traveling for work, or going out with the girls, or disappearing for hours at a time. The only red flag I’ve seen is the open toilet seat, and the only red flag I feel in my gut is her distance. But my gut is worried. Very worried. Am I worrying for nothing? Your advice would be appreciated.

SO just to cover the bases, have you considered that the source might be a daughter? i.e. they had some guy over. Under most circumstances he shouldn't be using that guest bathroom, but if the others were in use, he might have been directed there. Also was anyone doing any work recently in the house, especially near that bathroom? It wouldn't be the first time a worker used the bathroom of the house they are working in, with or without owner permission. How far back were you able to view the footage? Did you look back as far as you could?

Mind you, there may still be issues with you and the Mrs., but that doesn't make this evidence of an affair.

 

If I found the toilet seat up in my master bedroom the last thing I’d think is my wife is bonking some dude in my bed. That’s all you got?

 

It was in the guest bedroom's bath, and he did note he had been away for while. Which does bring up the question of when was it last used that he knew of and if the room is so rarely used, was the seat up even before he left.

 

Your gut feeling is actually more of something to tune into than the toilet seat issue. Be watchful, but don't accuse her of anything unless you have bullet proof evidence. If she thinks she is being watched and had been doing something nefarious, she would go to greater lengths to hide it if you start asking questions.

Regarding the seat issue, a couple of non-nefarious possibilities exist:

I lift the seat when cutting fingernails, a female could do that also... or does anyone ever clean the toilet? Seem like they would lift it to clean.

Keep an eye on the rim under the seat, guys lift it in case they accidentally splash, so I would think if a male really were lifting the seat, there would be evidence underneath even if they put it back down afterward.

What was your wife's response when you asked about this initially and how did you ask?

ETA: how often do you travel for work?

 

Ignore the downplayers and listen to your gut. Could be a daughter's boyfriend, but your commentary re: your wife's emotional distance and her behavior since your mention of the toilet seat would seem to indicate otherwise.

Find a way to discreetly hide a couple of cameras in the house.

 

Sounds like nothing to me, but trust your gut, keep your mouth shut, and eyes open. You already showed your hand by asking her about it. She will go into lockdown mode now if something is actually up.

Side note: I really don't get why it's considered a man's job to put toilet seats down. I am responsible enough to look down before I piss all over the ring. Why do many women expect to have it all prepared for them when they arrive to do their business? My gf and I live separately, and she demands I put it up at her house, which I comply with because it's her house. I never put it down at my house, which is admittedly passive aggressive but it brings me a little joy. It has never even crossed my mind to demand she put it back up at my house... Until today.

 

Sounds like nothing to me, but trust your gut, keep your mouth shut, and eyes open. You already showed your hand by asking her about it. She will go into lockdown mode now if something is actually up.

Side note: I really don't get why it's considered a man's job to put toilet seats down. I am responsible enough to look down before I piss all over the ring. Why do many women expect to have it all prepared for them when they arrive to do their business? My gf and I live separately, and she demands I put it up at her house, which I comply with because it's her house. I never put it down at my house, which is admittedly passive aggressive but it brings me a little joy. It has never even crossed my mind to demand she put it back up at my house... Until today.

Sir, I am blind as a bat and at night I cannot tell if the seat is up or down. I have fallen into the toilet several times because the seat was up. It’s courtesy. Also, I clean it so I get to make the terlet rules. But if you’re cleaning it and it’s yours, then do insist she put it back up. It’s your right and duty. Or doody. 🙂

 

This would bother me no matter what, but in the past year or so I’ve noticed some distance from my wife—like not being fully present in the evenings after dinner or in the bedroom and I can’t put my finger on it, but there is definitely a disturbance in the force. And she’s been on a slight-to-medium edge ever since I asked her about the toilet seat.

🤦‍♂️ Damn it, you may have just pushed it underground. Whatever it is.

Anyway it's worth investigating, your instincts are clues that your subconscious mind picks up that your conscious mind isn't able to discern. These clues form patterns, and yes, suspicions. Don't think about it as if it's about whether it's right or wrong. There's a reason for everything, find out now - but be discreet.

It could even be your wife hiding one of your daughter's boyfriends, could be anything. Check it out.

 

Can you go back and check the video from the doorbell for the days that you were out of town?
That may give you either some piece of mind or something to find.
Don't be suspicious -- keep your eyes open. Placing a few video cams around may not be the worst idea.
Also, maybe a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) in places around the house you think she would talk on the phone....

Check your phone records...

 

As others have suggested, let the matter die. Don't bring it up again with your wife. But go into surveillance mode. Battery operated cameras and recording devices are cheap.

If you have access to the phone bill, see what numbers are being called or texted frequently.

 

You should absolutely set up additional cameras.

I also have another suggestion. Login to your router through your internet provider and see what devices are connected to your WiFi. It should show active and inactive devices, which may provide more insight into who may have been at your house. There won’t be time stamps but you can at least have an eye out.

Trust your gut. It’s normally right!

 

Could she have cleaned it and left it up?
That alone isn't enough, but if you think there is more to it just keep your eyes and ears open.

 

Check everyone's phones, check the doorbell videos, check the phone bill. You can't say a man was in your house just because the toilet seat was up.

 

Is there a second entry point without a video doorbell? I personally only have one installed on my front door.


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Wow. Thank you everyone for responding. I posted this and then took the family out to dinner not knowing what to expect. I appreciate all of your suggestions. Before I answer some of your questions perhaps I should give you some background. My wife—let’s call her Katherine—and I met when I was grad school in Minnesota. She was 24 and working at the university as research assistant. I was 33 and changing careers. We’ve been inseparable ever since. We married 18 months after meeting and she supported me through the rest of grad school. We moved to Florida trading endless winters for endless summers, and I started a business which afforded us a comfortable, financially-stable life while letting her stay home and raise our daughters, which is what she wanted to do. A few years ago when our oldest entered middle school K decided she wanted to buy a business—a little florist shop—in the center of town. She supported me when I started a business and I supported her with the money to fund the purchase and by picking up more of the daily parenting duties. It has been a success thanks to her hard work and she is well-known locally as a community leader.

Our marriage has been great, in my opinion. Like any relationship, it ebbed and flowed over the years depending on work stressors and parenting problems. We hit a particularly rough patch a couple of years ago. We caught our eldest daughter shoplifting which necessitated some hard conversations and hard love. We did not exactly agree on how to handle it, and I think we both still have some reservations and resentments as a result. Around late April of last year I had bike accident while trying to get some Covid exercise which resulted in a surgery. Between that and Covid closures I was housebound for nearly 4 months, which drove everyone crazy particularly my wife. K got progressively distant while nursing me back to health, but I read that it can be a problem when a partner turns into a caretaker so I didn’t worry too much—it was not like I was in any shape to put out anyway—and all the bad moods seemed to pass once I was mobile and back in the saddle again. But I’ve felt a distance between us ever since.

 

@re16 My business is one that requires a fair amount of client contact. I used to travel a lot, but after K bought the florist business I cut it back to 2-3 days every week or so. I usually go out on Tuesday, handle the client on Wednesday, and return on Wednesday night or Thursday morning. That way I am only gone two nights at the most and can be home for the girls' sports events on Friday.

 

@maquiscat I seriously considered it was my oldest daughter sneaking home from school with her boyfriend, yes. I came home on Wednesday morning rather than Thursday because my client had an emergency at his plant and cancelled our meeting after I'd flown out. Such is life. So I went home. When the girls got home from school I asked them about the toilet seat and if one of them had a boy over. All I heard in response was “eeew, dad, gross, no.” I double-checked with the older one but she swears she was in school. Now I have lived with teens long enough to know they will lie to your face with a smile that wouldn't melt butter, but I called the school the next day and all the kids were counted as present in every class so I am not sure how she could have skipped.

 

Go online and check your phone bill. An easy first step.

 

@Elizabeth001 Yes, our house has three entry points: the front door which has a video doorbell, a side door that does not and which we rarely use, and a back door that also has a video doorbell.

@jlg07 Yes, I saved all the video clips from that day. Here is what I can see. The kids all go out the back around 7:15 headed to school. K left out of the front door 15 minutes later to walk to the shop about 10 blocks away. That is part of her exercise regime. Amazon dropped off a couple of packages at the front door mid-morning. K came home for lunch around noon. Her delivery van pulled into the driveway and dropped off our weekly flowers--one of the perks of being married to a florist is a home full of fresh flowers--around 12:15. K left out of the front door and walked back to the shop around 1:30. The mail lady made her delivery around 2:30. And I came home just before 3:00. The girls piled in around 3:30, and K walked home around 5:00. Other than a stray dog running through the yard, that was it.

 

So nothing from the PREVIOUS days for the video?

 

I am working from home today so I will check the phone bills this morning and I think I may run by Best Buy to find some wireless cameras. Thank you. I will let you know what I find.

 

My thoughts:

You are obsessing over this seat.

she’s not guarding her phone, no off behavior at all except distance. How is your sex life? Any changes, good or bad? A new position thrown in out of the blue by your wife?

she doesn’t spend any odd time away, nothing different in schedules?

any changes in personal grooming? No new lingerie that she never wears fir

usually a cheater has other red flags. Phone guarding. Unexplained time. Rarely does an affair start off by visits to your own marital home.

Why not consider talking to your wife abiyt the distance? Take a vacation with her? Date her a little? Build your relationship...

also get her phone, go through it, hire a PI, whatever it takes to satisfy your mind.

I Think there are possibilities with daughters too.

 

I hope you're not like this with everything in your life. That would be exhausting for a partner.

 

I know, right. I've not said boo about it to my wife or daughters since that day, but I am convinced someone was in the house.

 

That is odd, especially if that's never happened before. Could someone have cleaned the toilet and then left the seat up?

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Also, you mention that she is more distant lately -- have YOU spoken to her specifically about that? Have specifics, and examples to show her what you mean, and ask her what is going on? IF you do this, DO NOT bring up the toilet seat!

 

Sounds like nothing and I hope that’s what you find.

 

If no one ever uses that toilet, the seat could have been left up from the last time the cleaner was there - to let the rim dry.

Also, if your wife is innocent she may be thinking you are projecting because you are cheating. She's probably giving you the side-eye.