[alphaomega]

It's ypur alpha male coming out. Its called co(blocking. I don't think it would serve any purpose here though

Unless you want to tell him that your going to tell his wife, supply a shoulder to lean on for her, and then get all monkey a$$ crazy with her in th sack. Just to return the favor, of course.

Of course, sometimes my vengeful gene expression is sometimes a little powerful.
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[Grayson]

I did send an email to my wife's EA partner, but it was after he ignored her NC email. He emailed her as if she hadn't even sent the NC, she let me know, and I emailed him saying, "I know you got her NC email. What part of it don't you understand?" and a few other civil but stern comments. He replied back angrily, and saying that if I found him to be a threat, he didn't know what to say. I replied one last time, saying simply, "You only need to know how to say one thing: Goodbye. Forever."
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[Jellybeans]

I"m yes and no with whether you should write to him or not--it all depends on what you say.

Are you guys reconciling ( you and wife) or are you done? What you say to him (if you write him) will be different depending on those two things. So which is it?

 

[Jellybeans]

At this point I wonder what I'm fighting for? A wife who has shown that when she gets unhappy she will go to another man for an EA? A wife who says she has effed up and is sorry, but won't give up contact? A wife who continues to contact OM even after acknowledging it hurts me that she still talks to OM? A wife who is gaslighting and blame-shifting to justify her actions? A wife who is selfish and thinking only of her self right now?

If this is the case, then I would not be dealing with her at all if I were you. I would say "I have given you multiple outs and you continue to have contact with the man you cheated on me with, thus continuing your affair. I refuse to live in an open marriage. I will not live this way. I will be taking all appropriate measures to protect myself up to and including filing for divorce because I will not live as second best for another day. No way."

 

[DSSM9500]

I"m yes and no with whether you should write to him or not--it all depends on what you say.

Are you guys reconciling ( you and wife) or are you done? What you say to him (if you write him) will be different depending on those two things. So which is it?

DS is not open to R - she will not cut off contact with OM which is a deal breaker for me. At this point I see no choice but to "move on".

On another note I had a weaker moment today and logged into our DSL router to watch the live weblog. As soon as I saw the google talk gadget go live (which is how she talks to OM) I reaffirmed via IM that it still hurts that she talks to OM. The other morning she apologized for still talking to OM while we lived together - she realized how it hurt. So I asked her to clarify if "she was sorry and will stop talking to OM until she moves out" or "she was sorry but will still talk with OM". Her response was "i only really have 4 days left here, so yes....i can leave it alone if it's going to make things easier for us to get along and figure out what we're doing."

 

[DSSM9500]

....and I understand that "not spying" is part of the 180. I suppose that reaffirming that DS still talks with OM strengthens my resolve. i know that I need to stop.

 

[LovesHerMan]

Good for you for realizing this. It is hard, but you will heal much faster if you disengage from all the drama.

 

[Jellybeans]

DS is not open to R - she will not cut off contact with OM which is a deal breaker for me. At this point I see no choice but to "move on".

Ok. In this case, if you want to email him you can say something like this:

"OM's Name,

My name is DSSM. I am X's husband. I am aware you have had sex and have having an ongoing affair with my wife. I know this because X openly admitted it to me.

I am writing to advise you to get tested for STDs. As you
know, X has not exactly been faithful and it would do you a world of good to get the full range of tests done and then go back to re-test in six months. I am telling you this as a caution to your health.

I am sorry we had to learn about eachother under these circumstances.

If you have any quetsions, you can contact me.

DSSM"

If he responds, let a few days go by without writing back.

This does a couple different things:

1. It lets him know you are fully aware he helped betray your marriage & the affair ain't a secret anymore! Exposure is scary!

2. It puts your wife's and his relationship into question. Notice, you didn't lie in the letter above, you simply stated "Wife hasn't exactly been faithful" so he is wondering if she has fcked around on him too. The more vague you are, the better

3. He is now freaking out because you just told him to get tested for STDs without really saying why ... he is now wondering if you have something, which means she might have something, which means he might have something. And, to add more gravity, you seal it with a kiss when you say "get re-tested in 6 months."

4. Your approach was in a calm/caring manner, not accusatory or psycho. THIS WILL MESS WITH HIS HEAD. Trust me. He'll think, Wow, that guy could bit my a$$ yet he was nice and genuinely concerned which means, holy sh*t... she is prob cheating on me too with someone else AND now I may have a gross STD. Your sounding polite and genuinely concerned is going to throw him for a loop. Big. Time.

Win-win, all around

 

[DSSM9500]

DS and I got into a good and constructive discussion today. First about the kids and then it slipped into our relationship. Hey - I stayed calm the whole time! Anyways, I told her that if I had to make a choice today I would prefer a D. I reaffirmed that she has never been interested in R, won't/can't stop contact with OM, and that I'm not in love with the person she has become. I also said I was not willing to compete for her love and emotions. She tried to counter that 3 mental health professionals told her that the EA did not end our marriage and that I continue to invalidate her feelings about the rest of our marriage before the EA. Finally I handed her a sealed envelope with my wedding ring, a nice watch she bought me on our 1st anniversary, and a very personal and sentimental photo DVD she made for me just 3 years ago. I told her I won't be needing them anymore. Unless she comes to me begging I suppose there is little turning back now.

 

[Hijo]

DS and I got into a good and constructive discussion today. First about the kids and then it slipped into our relationship. Hey - I stayed calm the whole time! Anyways, I told her that if I had to make a choice today I would prefer a D. I reaffirmed that she has never been interested in R, won't/can't stop contact with OM, and that I'm not in love with the person she has become. I also said I was not willing to compete for her love and emotions. She tried to counter that 3 mental health professionals told her that the EA did not end our marriage and that I continue to invalidate her feelings about the rest of our marriage before the EA. Finally I handed her a sealed envelope with my wedding ring, a nice watch she bought me on our 1st anniversary, and a very personal and sentimental photo DVD she made for me just 3 years ago. I told her I won't be needing them anymore. Unless she comes to me begging I suppose there is little turning back now.

I would have pawned the ring and watch, given her a copy of the pawn receipt, and enclosed a DVD of me burning the other DVD. But that's just me.

 

[Almostrecovered]

expose the affair to OMW

 

[DSSM9500]

expose the affair to OMW

I would but have tried to track down some info with no luck.

 

[Almostrecovered]

what do you have so far?

 

[DSSM9500]

what do you have so far?

Not much - don't even know hew name.

 

[Almostrecovered]

you know OM's name I take it?

 

[DSSM9500]

What a day. So we had an emotional morning, but now DS has been nice. She went and ran some errands with the kids and then texted me to see if I wanted something to eat (they were getting some fast food). So she gets home and we talked about who was taking certain furniture - everything was nice and calm. And then she asks me if we could sit and watch a movie together tonight?! Is this typical foggy behavior for a DS?

 

[Jellybeans]

Yes, very typical for a wayward.

Pay attention to what she DOES, not what she SAYS.

And what she is doing is continuing her affair.

IF you have a way to contact the OW, do it and expose the affair. Do so without warning to your wife or the OM. I have a little letter for that scenario, too.

 

[DSSM9500]

Yes, very typical for a wayward.

Pay attention to what she DOES, not what she SAYS.

And what she is doing is continuing her affair.

IF you have a way to contact the OW, do it and expose the affair. Do so without warning to your wife or the OM. I have a little letter for that scenario, too.

Interesting. So is she playing nice now to protect the EA? I mean this morning we talked D and separation at this point is a given - she gets her new place in a few weeks. It seems to be a routine where really make my feelings know on the EA and then within a few hours she is back to playing nice. Maybe this for will start clearing more when she moves out.

 

[Jellybeans]

Here's the exposure letter I wrote copy/pasted from another thread (link at the bottom):

Here's the thing about exposure: NEVER GIVE YOUR SPOUSE OR THE OTHER WOMAN/MAN WARNING THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO EXPOSE. JUST DO IT!!!

Why?

Because that will give the disloyal spouse and the OW/OM time to get their stories straight/corroborate timelines and make YOU out to be the crazy/psycho husband who has trust issues and is going through a hard time in his marriage,therefore he suspects his wife is cheating on him and wants to lash out at everyone. They WILL do this if you keep giving them warnings. Oh & you can bet they've discussed how to answer if they start getting questions: "My husband knows...if someone asks we can just say we're friends" and have already started planning and concocting their stupid excuses and lame cover up stories.

Find out who the OM's wife is and exposes immediately:

"OM's wife,

Your husband, OM's Name, has been having an affair with my Wife's Name since on or about Month/Year. I discovered the affair by way of (fill in the blank). (copy/paste or verbalize any proof you have).Their affair has been detrimental to my marriage. My wife told me the affair ended however I have proof contradicts that--they are still having an affair and in contact. I am telling you this because you deserve to know the truth. If you were already aware of the affair, then I am sure that this comes as no surprise to you, but if not, I am sorry to have to be the one to inform you. If you want to talk further or need further proof, you may contact me at (....fill in the blank).

DSSM"

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/31786-expose-not-expose-question.html

 

[Jellybeans]

Interesting. So is she playing nice now to protect the EA? I mean this morning we talked D and separation at this point is a given - she gets her new place in a few weeks. It seems to be a routine where really make my feelings know on the EA and then within a few hours she is back to playing nice. Maybe this for will start clearing more when she moves out.

It's much mor ecomplicated than that. The wayward knows instinctively how very wrong they are for having an affair. Affairs are fvcked up, no matter how you slice it. They are the ultimate betrayal. So, the waywareds mind is in 15 difference places trying to fit all these pieces of their life that got flipped upside down by their own choice! They are pretending to be the good spouse, the good lover, mom/dad/ parent, having a job, all while the world they know is collapsing all around them. It's pretty crazy, actually. Then there is the angle of a divorce/spearation. She doesn't want to be mean to you cause she knows you may be able to go after her for adultery and/or property in the divorce. She wants to protect herself. She also don't want you to lose your sh!t and lash out a her and cause a scene in front of people/family. She wants to play nice. Also, she cares about you somewhere. Yeah I said it, the wayward does not want you to be screwed up by this (how wrong they are) so they figure if they are NICE to you, it makes what they did less painful. Treat the spouse sweetly so they will not see I am an monster/wrecking my family....treat the betrayed nicely beause in their mind, it justifies that what they are doing is NOT wrong...or rather, it rationalizes it away/ Get it???

It's pure insanity.