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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have been married for about 9 months. We have less than 2 years of history with my spouse, but we see each other as our soul mate. We are both grateful for our constant presence. I think she is my biggest chance. Besides all this, I made a mistake. One night while my wife was asleep, I opened an Instagram link on my own pc, first thinking that it was my own account, and then I saw that it was my wife's account. Since I am not very knowledgeable about Instagram, I clicked on the icons above to see what works. One of them was direct messages, I did not read it, and when I went down I saw the correspondence with her ex-boyfriend somewhere below. She told me about that man. She said that he was a psychopathic personality and that he had a hard time getting rid of him. When I saw him, this came to my mind and I got angry and looked at how disturbed this psychopath was my wife. On my way up, I saw nude photos of them alone and having sex together, taken 4-5 years ago. I had a great shock for a moment. My hands started to tremble. I spent the whole night without sleep. This is something that happened before our relationship, so I am not angry with my wife. But those images do not go out of my sight. I often get teary-eyed. I cannot say anything to my wife. I don't want to embarrass or offend her. I don't want this to hurt our relationship. However, I do not know how to get over it. I don't know if I talk to her, will it affect us negatively or it will be worse if I don't talk. I'm so confused. I don't know if anyone with an opinion can help me. I think there are things I don't know much about right now.
 

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First, you DO need to talk to her about this. She is your wife -- you should talk to her about everything.

WHEN was the direct message? If more than a few days, WHY does she still have it in her Instagram?

Second, you are probably having a bit of retroactive jealousy -- you will DEF need to address this. You say you are not angry with your wife since it was before your marriage -- what ARE you angry and upset about? What specifically about the images is bothering you?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
The message came 4-5 years ago. The image in the photos that impressed me. I can't get it out of my mind. It impressed me a lot. Seeing my wife that way with another man even though it was years ago has disturbed my balance.
 

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You said the messages with the nudes were from several years ago. The critical question that hasn't been fully described here is have they been having correspondence since they broke up??

If that was something sent years ago when they were together and it is just sitting in an old file with no further contact between them, that is one thing.

But if they are still in contact with each other passing back and forth pictures of fond memories and reliving ol' times, that is a whole other realm.
 

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If they have had virtually no contact since they broke up and she just has this in some old, forgotten file, then I'm not sure there is really anything to "confront" her about. That may be best dealt with on your own with an individual counselor or something.

If she is still in contact with him or even if she is keeping the pictures on the top shelf to use as her own Spank-Bank whenever she wants to give the vibrator a whirl when you aren't looking, that's different.
 

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This is just a general sidebar comment, but this kind of thing is going to become much much more common as time goes on.

Back when my wife were first together, it took some effort and know-how to take and keep some naughty pictures. People did it (it's probably how Polaroid came to be a thing decades ago) but they find ways to get them developed and sent back to them as the corner photo shop usually wouldn't do it and you wouldn't want anyone in town developing them anyway.

Today, anyone that has a phone, probably has some naughty pics and videos on a private file somewhere. The truth be known, people that DO have pics and vids probably outnumber the ones that don't.

And going forward, as young women realise the money and notoriety they can get on instagram and onlyfans etc etc and the proliferation of individual-generated porn,, in a few years a pretty significant percentage of people are going to have nude and porn type pictures out there somewhere.

Back in the golden age of porn and Playboy etc (late 60s-mid 70s) there were maybe a couple handfuls of active porn stars at any one time and the number of nude models at any one time was probably in the hundreds if not even dozens at a specific point in time.

Today there are literally millions and millions of nude and porn models with content on the open market and probably even more than that that do it privately for their own private entertainment and collection.

People finding their partner's nude/porn content or finding out about previous nude/porn activities is something that is going to become more and more common as time goes on.

In a number of years it may even become somewhat uncommon to find a young woman that has NOT had some kind of sexually-oriented material out there somewhere.
 

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is your wife from the same country as you are? if she is, then I'm sure you know this is big thing in the culture and does not happen often.
 

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@jlg07 got it right. You're getting your first exposure to retroactive jealousy. You need to make yourself comfortable and let a little time pass. For some people, once they accept that their wife is not doing anything wrong (lying about her past relationship, still communicating with him, doing things with him that she's never done with you, for example), they move from shock to acceptance. You're right. She did this before she met you. You can't hold it against her.

The bad news is that for some people, RJ can become debilitating. Even worse, a lot of people doubt its existence, minimize its impact on you, and do not take it seriously. I don't recall reading a thread here where anyone was able to make therapeutically helpful suggestions about how to deal with RJ. (If I'm wrong, hopefully someone will post a link.)

What's important is that if you bring it up with her, be very careful what you ask. You may learn more than you want to know. Seeing the pictures is probably the absolute worst introduction to RJ that you can get, although a lot of mind movies can be very vivid. Learning even more details can burn them into your brain.

Good luck. I wish I knew what to suggest.
 

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I am going to assume it was disturbing to see your wife so sexual, but that just means it's in her to be that way.. Maybe she isn't with you yet, but she can be.

Put your focus on having a fun exciting sex life with your wife to rival anything anyone else can have. Connect it to her emotions and your love, something some psychopath won't have any ability to do. Make it your mission to be her best. Given that she was with a psychopath though she may like you to be more dominate, feel her out. Point is you have everything you need to be her best, and have her crave you, but you have to have the confidence to take the risk, try stuff and focus on what works. This can be fun for both of you. Get to the point where you blow her mind.

What you are doing is competing in your mind and losing, and just giving up. It doesn't have to be that way, you have more chance then anyone else to be her best lover but you are going to have to work for it.
 

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He's a psychopath that she had a hard time getting rid of but she kept 5 year old messages containing trophies of past romps? I smell an alpha widow.
The devil is in the details. Is it some old file she never cleared out and forgot about - or is it a trophy case that she keeps on the top shelf for spank material?

Regardless of the reality, she is going to say she forgot all about them and forgot they were there.
 

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That's the only real problem I see with this -- WHY did she keep those pics/videos for so long?
To be fair, I have some pics and vids of my wife and I in our younger days.

I’ll never get rid of them regardless if she and I split or if ever get widowed or something. Even if I get into another relationship, I won’t get rid of them.

They are a part of my history even if someone else doesn’t like it.

Now I will be discreet and respectful and compassionate about it and keep it to myself and never flaunt it or use it against anyone.

In today’s world, the chances are good that anyone that I would become involved with probably has pics of their own as well. I would not ask them to dispose of them.

we all have prior lives and prior loves and no one can take that away from us.
 

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If the images and messages are from before you were together, those things in and of themselves don't really mean anything - past history.
However leaving the images and messages is another thing. It might be easy to forget some random picture of an old boyfriend on a trip to Disney World or something, but people don't forget images of themselves having sex with someone, especially images they decided to share.

I would tell her you came across these images and that you want to know why they're out there. If she deletes them in front of you, and there aren't others, I'd say the matter is probably best left closed
 

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There you have it Dom; a resume of sorts of your wife's prior life and more questions than answers. Perhaps we could make a better evaluation if we could see the pictures. Just kiddin Dawg. My wife's ex husband, although they've been divorced several years, sent me in an unmaked box a video cassette (VHS to show you how old it was) of them on purportedly hidden camera. About 5 seconds in it was clear what is was, I ejected it, threw it in the fireplace and hit the automatic lighter. Didn't upset me because I sort of had my suspicions, with two teenagers in tow and a ex husband, she wasn't a virgin anyway and had someone else enjoy what I enjoy now. Unless she's still tempting the old boy, forget about it.
Think of it like I do my Duramax diesel pickup. Somebody else put a few miles on the old girl before I got her. Nonetheless, she purrs a kitty and rides like a Cadillac.
 

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Think of it like I do my Duramax diesel pickup. Somebody else put a few miles on the old girl before I got her. Nonetheless, she purrs a kitty and rides like a Cadillac.
Hahaha! You have a way with words. I don't think your suggestion is a cure for RJ, but it sure is worth considering!
 

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If she is still in contact with him or even if she is keeping the pictures on the top shelf to use as her own Spank-Bank whenever she wants to give the vibrator a whirl when you aren't looking, that's different.
Hahahahahaha :LOL:

That's the only real problem I see with this -- WHY did she keep those pics/videos for so long?
Agreed.

To be fair, I have some pics and vids of my wife and I in our younger days.
I’ll never get rid of them regardless if she and I split or if ever get widowed or something. Even if I get into another relationship, I won’t get rid of them.
They are a part of my history even if someone else doesn’t like it.
Now I will be discreet and respectful and compassionate about it and keep it to myself and never flaunt it or use it against anyone.
In today’s world, the chances are good that anyone that I would become involved with probably has pics of their own as well. I would not ask them to dispose of them.
we all have prior lives and prior loves and no one can take that away from us.
Well, it's not exactly a couple photo, more like this:

 

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If you don't confess your mistake and get it out in the open, you will just be tempted to keep looking in her account invading her privacy. So just tell her it was a mistake and it really rattled you. Also, now you have one more bit of information about her to just digest and examine and see if you have ethical problems with it. You already knew she got involved with a bad guy who was hard to get rid of. Now you know she literally had zero boundaries at the time in doing so.

If she was, say under 25, when those pictures were taken, well young people brains aren't fully developed, the part that can predict consequences, until mid to late 20s. Young people do some stupid stuff that can affect them (not that there's the internet) for the rest of their days. But you mostly have to forgive young people as long as they've learned their lesson and gained better ethics as they got a little older and learned.

What I would NOT ever do is ask her to do that with you.
 
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