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I think most of the readers missed the point where she said HE made excuses for not having sex with her, and he performed in a way that was outright painful for her. Those are pretty important details.

OP, I'm glad he was able to admit to you that he has a problem. Please help him get help. In the meantime, don't make any decisions.

I understand your frustration with the way a lot of porn represents women. Just watching other people have sex on video does not seem to "do it" for a lot of people--thus enters violence, machines, animals, whatever. I agree that it is not normal or harmless to take pleasure in watching women be abused, victimized, humiliated, or otherwise demeaned, as is the suggestion that women would enjoy sex like this.

But at least he is willing to admit he has a problem! That is a huge step.
 

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What makes you think he's "addicted" to porn? I think you'd be very surprised at just how many men look at it from time to time. I remember finding mags under my dad's bed when I was a teenager and I was completely blown away. But then I laughed.
Agreed...just because a man owns porn doesn't mean he is addicted to it. An addiction would have other signs that would be present in your relationship such as no interest in sex with you etc. That said, there is still some cause for concern and I think this calls for some open communication with him.

JR
 

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For those who asked, sex is infrequent, and not because I don't take care of myself or am not always willing. But, physically it hurts too because he has to slam me to climax.

This is all OP said about sex. So the next question is... if you are always willing, why is sex infrequent? Is he turning YOU down when you initiate?

I think it's all a bit melodramatic too. But, maybe that's just how she is. So be it. I think that she is making it all out to be ONLY H's problem.... when she is part of the problem. Which I would think could be worked out with counseling for both.

I also think... take H's words about his "problem" with a grain of salt. For two reasons.... one, because he promised 6 times already to quit because it bothered you but then didn't. And two, since he's been "caught" at it again he may say whatever you want to hear so you won't be AS mad.
 

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A) How did this enter the discussion?

B) and despite how many women and feminists have claimed this, the truth be told that many other wise normal women secretly desire to be submissive and dominated in bed.

No wonder there are so many confused men. Those "nice guys" who are so boring for not just taking control and ravishing her like she really wants because they have been conditioned to think doing so is degrading to a woman.
So very true! Being dominated in the bedroom is so hot, yet a lot of people make you feel wrong about it. Now we have that 50 shades of grey book and suddenly, it might be ok.
 

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Discussion Starter · #45 ·
There is no '50 shades of gray' in our marriage. My husband knows that I like being submissive and I like to initiate too. I've tried new things with him, talked sexy to him, dressed sexy. This is not enough for him. Why? Some of you think that part of this is my fault. Does being submissive, then getting physically hurt in the process mean that there is something wrong with me? Does being assertive and then getting turned down mean there is something wrong with me? Those woman in the porno movies are payed to be abused. Then it all comes home and visits itself upon me in my own bed.
 

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I actually think you are very right to feel the way you do. With your H using porn since the age of 12 he will most certainly be addicted. Not only that, but it will also more than likely be the cause of him not being able to have a normal sex life with you, his wife. This latter is for example a massive problem with men in their twenties. They simply cannot get an erection with a “real” woman.
Was this post for real? :lol:

So, guy seeing porn since 12 is an addict, can't have sex with his wife and can't get it up with a real woman... :rofl:

Are you aware that you're basically saying an entire generation has this problem? How is a guy supposed to take anything you say after this as serious?

There are cases now where gangs of boys as young as 12 and 13 raping little girls.
And this didn't happen before porn? Again, are you serious? Are you aware that the average european nobleman would, by that age, be raping the "help" and be married by 14? Did teen rapists in Africa get exposed to an excess of porn?

Find out all you can about how porn affects young children and sex in marriage,
You mean the internet hogwash you get from religious sites made by pastors who are actually seeing porn in the intervals of updates to their sites?

I'm actually a teacher. I work with teens everyday. Anyone who thinks that they can "protect them" from porn is deluded. This woman's child is 11. I'm willing to bet everything you want that he has already seen porn in one shape or the other at that age.

And you know what? This isn't new. It has always happened ever since photographic material became easy to get. It never killed anyone and humans still breed like rabbits.

The real problem is that this couple have troubles in the bedroom. And this husband is expected to:

1- take the sex he can get limited to his wife wishes
2- Don't cheat
3- Don't masturbate

Well... We could also put the question of why is he still married then? There are people here trying to paint him as some sort of perv, even dangerous for his own kids (kids will certainly go insane and become rapists if they find a magazine with boobs on them...). Well, imagine his side of the story. He isn't getting laid, he apparently doesn't cheat and his wife continues to bust his chops about magazines. I'm betting that if this guy came here and expose the situation on his side he would get half the people in here telling him that if sex is that important he should equate a divorce.

Being 100% honest here, if i am helping to clear this up. Reading the OP's posts she comes off as controlling, judgmental and prudish (maybe she is not but that's what i'm getting).


I know i could never be with a woman like this. This guy actually endures it everyday. Congrats to him. People advising this woman to D him may actually be doing a service to BOTH of them.
 

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There is no '50 shades of gray' in our marriage. My husband knows that I like being submissive and I like to initiate too. I've tried new things with him, talked sexy to him, dressed sexy. This is not enough for him. Why? Some of you think that part of this is my fault. Does being submissive, then getting physically hurt in the process mean that there is something wrong with me? Does being assertive and then getting turned down mean there is something wrong with me? Those woman in the porno movies are payed to be abused. Then it all comes home and visits itself upon me in my own bed.

You are very vague in your answers. It's hard to get a clear picture of the "problem".

1. Your H looks at porn, you hate it, so he should not look at it.

2. Your children COULD be affected....altho he doesn't bring it in the house, so how would they be affected anyway?

3. You are submissive, then he is too rough, then you don't want sex? (Understandable, and fixable.... but you are unclear on this)

4. You initiate, and get turned down. Do you think this is because he is masturbating instead of pleasuring you?

5. Do you think.... if he stops watching porn, that everything will be solved?

6. Do you think that counseling will be effective for the two of you?

7. What happens if he goes through counseling and it happens again? Would you divorce him then?

Not saying you are right or wrong about any of it. (Except on the children being affected).... I think people are who they are, hate what they hate, and have to figure out how to make it right in THEIR life. And sometimes the path to "making it right" sucks.... and sometimes a compromise can be made as part of that path.
 

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Discussion Starter · #49 ·
Costa200 said, "I'm actually a teacher. I work with teens everyday. Anyone who thinks that they can "protect them" from porn is deluded. This woman's child is 11. I'm willing to bet everything you want that he has already seen porn in one shape or the other at that age."

This is one of the precise reasons my 12 year old son is 'Homeschooled' (I'm a College Grad so you don't need to question his curriculum or my ability to teach him) I am SO glad you are not his teacher. You most certainly would NOT be a good role model for him.
So, based on the fact that my son and I talk about EVERYTHING including sex, he has NOT been exposed to porn. He does not have a cell phone or a computer in his room like most kids his age, and that is usually how they get exposed nowadays.
I'm not stupid, (or prudish either) I've done my homework and I've studied for FOUR YEARS the effects of porn on Men, Women, Children, Marriages and it's NOT a good thing. It destroys. And I don't need a college degree to know that.
 

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Costa200 said, "I'm actually a teacher. I work with teens everyday. Anyone who thinks that they can "protect them" from porn is deluded. This woman's child is 11. I'm willing to bet everything you want that he has already seen porn in one shape or the other at that age."

This is one of the precise reasons my 12 year old son is 'Homeschooled' (I'm a College Grad so you don't need to question his curriculum or my ability to teach him) I am SO glad you are not his teacher. You most certainly would NOT be a good role model for him.
So, based on the fact that my son and I talk about EVERYTHING including sex, he has NOT been exposed to porn. He does not have a cell phone or a computer in his room like most kids his age, and that is usually how they get exposed nowadays.
I'm not stupid, (or prudish either) I've done my homework and I've studied for FOUR YEARS the effects of porn on Men, Women, Children, Marriages and it's NOT a good thing. It destroys. And I don't need a college degree to know that.
So your son has no friends? You don't think any of his friends have phone s and he might have seen something on there? Unless you shelter him completely from the outside world, there is a chance for him to be exposed to it. You can't protect him forever. My parents were very strict and I always found a way to do what I wanted.
 

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Discussion Starter · #52 ·
The problem SunnyT is that we are two people mismatched and suffering the consequences with five children involved..One of the reasons for the mismatched part is the dishonesty from the beginning. I don't know why people keep insisting I change MY beliefs, and the knowledge I've gained on the subject, because they don't agree with me.
Yes, counseling could be beneficial if we BOTH attended but as I said in an earlier post, I have been seeing a counselor for awhile and he, so far, has refused.
 

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Costa200 said, "I'm actually a teacher. I work with teens everyday. Anyone who thinks that they can "protect them" from porn is deluded. This woman's child is 11. I'm willing to bet everything you want that he has already seen porn in one shape or the other at that age."

This is one of the precise reasons my 12 year old son is 'Homeschooled' (I'm a College Grad so you don't need to question his curriculum or my ability to teach him) I am SO glad you are not his teacher. You most certainly would NOT be a good role model for him.
So, based on the fact that my son and I talk about EVERYTHING including sex, he has NOT been exposed to porn. He does not have a cell phone or a computer in his room like most kids his age, and that is usually how they get exposed nowadays.
I'm not stupid, (or prudish either) I've done my homework and I've studied for FOUR YEARS the effects of porn on Men, Women, Children, Marriages and it's NOT a good thing. It destroys. And I don't need a college degree to know that.
You are aware that when i was a kid there was no internet, no dvds and VCR were an uncommon luxury? Unless you are going to tell me your son has no friends and never leaves the house and you're always on him whenever he uses the computer you don't know if he was or not exposed to porn.

And what do you get on saying i would not be a good role model? You don't know me. You actually know nothing about me.

All you seem to know is that i don't think young boys seeing some boobs is the end of the world. Quite honestly mums like you raise kids with severe problems. Poor little boy!

(I'm a College Grad so you don't need to question his curriculum or my ability to teach him)
Are you kidding me? What on earth makes you think being a college grad qualifies you as a good educator? I see fools with degrees everyday that work with me calling themselves teachers and they still can't teach to save their lives. Ability to teach is not only about what sort of academic qualification you have.
 

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Discussion Starter · #54 ·
Texas Lady, I was exposed to things at a young age and my parents were very strict, but we didn't have open communication. An open door is something I've always kept with all of my children. No secrets, and no shame.
If my son finds something we'll talk about and he won't feel bad because he knows he can come to me. He always has.
 

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Discussion Starter · #55 ·
Costa200 says, 'Are you kidding me? What on earth makes you think being a college grad qualifies you as a good educator? I see fools with degrees everyday that work with me calling themselves teachers and they still can't teach to save their lives. Ability to teach is not only about what sort of academic qualification you have.'
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Then why should I think you or any other college grad would be qualified to teach my children?
 

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Costa200 says, 'Are you kidding me? What on earth makes you think being a college grad qualifies you as a good educator? I see fools with degrees everyday that work with me calling themselves teachers and they still can't teach to save their lives. Ability to teach is not only about what sort of academic qualification you have.'
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Then why should I think you or any other college grad would be qualified to teach my children?
Never said you should.
 

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Teachers go to school to become teachers, after 4 years of college. At least in CA we do. We cannot major in Education. I know, because I did it. My 5th year was for my credential and I've been teaching 5th grade for 12 years.

As long as you follow the educational standards for your state (found online), you're good to go. And socialize him. He needs more than his mother.
 

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One of the benefits of a healthy marriage and the responsibility of both partners is safety and protection. Most people think of physical safety - keeping your partner and family out of harms way and defending them when needed; but it also goes to emotional and intimacy safety. What this means is that a partner has to feel that s/he can share some of their inner most ideas and fantasies with one another without fear of rejection or disapproval. Sexually, it means being willing to try more than a limited set of normal positions.

Based on your postings, it feels like he might not feel open or safe in telling you any new and creative ideas that deviate too far from what you consider acceptable.

But here's the deal. If he can't tell you the wacky things he wants to try, he won't. Instead he will find another outlet, and this - his visual aid collection - works for him.

I'm willing to bet that if he felt he could really express all of his sexual fantasies and desires to you and that you would be open to exploring them with him, that his use of visual aids would eventually go away - or reduced quite significantly.

Just curious, when you've spoken to him about counseling, has it been together? He might be open to initially talking to someone by himself (not as a couple).
 

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Discussion Starter · #59 ·
that girl- I agree he needs more than his mother. We have lots of fun activities and socializing every week.
I only mentioned my degree because most people are very critical of homeschooling families. Actually, a degree in my state is not a requirement to homeschool your children.
 

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It's not a requirement in most states. In CA the districts give Homeschooling materials and someone checks in once a month. I think it's great, so long as the kids are learning. I would probably eat my children if I homeschooled.
 
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