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I am DEVASTATED, again :(
Although it is difficult, you need to try and take three steps back.

1. Your husband appears to have a porn addiction and may need help.

2. Your husband is living a "secret life" and you feel justifiably betrayed.

3. Keep the morality (I assume you have a problem because you called the porn "vulgAr (SP)") out of this, at least for the time being.

Your speech and stay with me here:

"Honey, I found your porn stash again and we have a problem. I will not be married to a man who is sneaking around behind my back. If you think your porn habit is OK, then bring it out into the light of day. We need to be careful not to expose the children, but if you think masturbating to porn daily or more is a fine activity, then bring it out into the light of day." Then shut up.

If husband sheepishly smiles and says OK (meaning shining the light of day on his activities), then I don't think you have much of a right to say more. You could divorce him because you find it morally repugnant, but otherwise, there is not much to complain about. Maybe you join him.

More likely, he is embarrassed by this activity and will react with shame. I would not shame him more, just insist that he speak to therapist about his compulsion.

Send him here as well: Gary Wilson TedX Talk on Porn

By the way, how is your sex life?

· Registered
184 Posts
He lied before marriage on something he knew I didn't like, (had kids with me too) AND the extremely unnatural content he seems to enjoy. I am also sorry to those that feel I've put up with this too long and given too many chances, my ONLY reason is for the children to continue living in an intact home (unfortunately with porn around) Otherwise, I would have ZERO problem leaving him to move on to some other chick that digs that sorta thing.
Rainy - I think you need to carefully consider what you hold to be "self-evident" truths.

Look at all of your righteous indignation.

Righteous indignation is province of martyrs.

Martyrs, by definition, die for their cause.

If you are prepared to divorce your husband (the figurative "death" here), then recognize that you are not a victim and can do so if you wish. Take action.

I understand that divorce is a massive decision. Remember, though, that you can make it from two mental states: one is the martyr and it will be excruciating because you will paint yourself as the "victim" who was misled into marriage and having children with a morally repulsive man. You appear to be on this road.

The other mental space would be a conclusion that your husband is broken and can't be fixed. That is a position of power and you don't need to make anybody else bad in order to act from there. You will still mourn, but you married a sick guy, it is tragic, and you need to move forward to take good care of yourself and exercise your role as a parent.

If you want to try to fix the marriage, then:

1. Recognize that, chicken or the egg, your husband's porn problem reflects the state of your marriage.....and before you start blaming him.....

2. You are 50% of the marriage.

3. You can't control your husband and should quit trying.

4. You need to fix your 50%.

What is your 50%?

I don't know, although you have not shown yourself to be very reasonable in this post. Is everything in your world so cut and dry?

When you get mad at people on a forum for their suggestions, after you have asked for help, your anger is a sign that you are being "triggered". You don't have to respond to people whose advice you consider idiotic - but if you get a surge of adrenaline when you read a response, you will grow from trying to understand why.

How do you do behind the wheel? Yell at other drivers or shrug off their recklessness? That is a trigger for many people.

I recognize this is very personal and there is a great deal at stake for you, but you will make poor decisions if you are acting from a triggered state.

5. If he doesn't step up, then you may have harder choices to make.

6. I respect the concern about porn and exposing your children, but think it is overblown. If you let your kids watch TV, then you are exposing them to a highly sexualized culture already. You might be surprised at what your 12 year old already knows.

This is not to imply that I am not vigilant to protect my children from graphic sexual images at similar ages. I am more concerned, however, about helping them build good self-esteem and teaching them about addictions with the hope that when they do get exposed, because that is a fact of life in modern society, they won't become addicted.

For what its worth, I don't think porn is good for people. It is not a moral issue for me. All men don't watch porn.

My sincere best advice is to go back to my speech and practice it 100 times in front of the mirror. It must be delivered sincerely and without anger or cynicism.

Once you have your "act" together, give the speech to your husband and report back the results.
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