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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is the 6th time in 4 years I found his stash in his truck since I found out my husband is addicted to porn...he told me it wasn't his thing before we got married, but that was a lie because when I first found it, AFTER we were married, he admitted he had this since he was 12. So now here we are again and there were numerous vulger and graphic mags AND DVD's...so my question..Where is the DVD player? It's not at home because we have children and that's why it's in his truck and I guess he does this during work hours...I just want to know where and how he does this...And please bypass the fact that I am DEVASTATED, again :(
 

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You need to set clear boundaries

The first and most important is that he get counseling for his addiction to porn.

The second is that he be honest with you and stop the lying

On a positive note, at least he's not keeping the stuff in the house!
 

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6 times.

He has made his decision.

If you have been DEVASTATED 6 times, then you need to make your decision.
 
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I am DEVASTATED, again :(
Although it is difficult, you need to try and take three steps back.

1. Your husband appears to have a porn addiction and may need help.

2. Your husband is living a "secret life" and you feel justifiably betrayed.

3. Keep the morality (I assume you have a problem because you called the porn "vulgAr (SP)") out of this, at least for the time being.

Your speech and stay with me here:

"Honey, I found your porn stash again and we have a problem. I will not be married to a man who is sneaking around behind my back. If you think your porn habit is OK, then bring it out into the light of day. We need to be careful not to expose the children, but if you think masturbating to porn daily or more is a fine activity, then bring it out into the light of day." Then shut up.

If husband sheepishly smiles and says OK (meaning shining the light of day on his activities), then I don't think you have much of a right to say more. You could divorce him because you find it morally repugnant, but otherwise, there is not much to complain about. Maybe you join him.

More likely, he is embarrassed by this activity and will react with shame. I would not shame him more, just insist that he speak to therapist about his compulsion.

Send him here as well: Gary Wilson TedX Talk on Porn

By the way, how is your sex life?
 

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As Beach guy asked why do you think he's addicted to porn? How has this affected your sex life? Do you have an active sex life where you are both satisfied?

My husband looks at porn occasionally. I don't mind. He just can't do it on the computers at home. Those sites cause all types of viruses and I don't want my 2 children exposed to it. He does it on his phone. Sometimes we even watch an HBO late night together. Just spices things up.

Now I realize everybody has different views on this. That's why I'm asking how you think it's affected your sex life.
 

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... AND DVD's...so my question..Where is the DVD player? It's not at home because we have children and that's why it's in his truck and I guess he does this during work hours...I just want to know where and how he does this...(
Portable DVD player that plugs into his truck. Maybe the player was at his work place when you went through the stash.

No, I don't know this from experience. :rolleyes: We have a portable player for the kids for vacation drives, so it's the first thing I thought of.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
How could anyone bring this out into the light of day when there ARE children and they would not eventually be exposed to it? And not by just anyone, but their FATHER. I have five, still innocent children, that I refuse to let be exposed to this for as long as I can. The fact that the man I chose to marry and have children with LIED to me BEFORE we got married is NOT my fault. He lied and hid it well KNOWING that I DO find it morally reprehensible. The 'porn', and his use of it would be the reason for the damage to our marriage, not because I don't accept something I've ALWAYS been against. I would have no problem leaving him to let him have his 'stuff' all to himself, but with the children, I cannot bear to tear their world in two. I admit it is a balancing act staying married and keeping the kids safe. I have been supportive in helping him to overcome this and offered to go to counseling with him (or he can go alone) but he INSISTS it 's no problem and he can stop anytime...and then, he obviously doesn't.
As for the sex...the only complaint would be he is usually too tired and can go weeks without it because, well, let's face it, he has 'Other Options'...So good luck to anyone trying to convince me this is 'Normal'. It would be like trying to convince me there isn't a God. BTW, if this was a casual peak at women's naked body's because they are beautiful, then this would be very different, but the stuff I found WAS VULGAR and demeaning to me as a woman. How can he look at me or our daughter's in a respectable way after indulging in watching group sex and women having sex with machines? And getting off on it too? I also found some kind of device that has what looks like a small probe and a long wire attached to some sort of battery powered thing with a button on it..no idea what that is. Why is this better than being with me? His always faithful, supportive, loving wife..
I'm just so sad and don't know what to do and I guess I asked the original question about the where and how because I can't deal with this anymore...
 

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I believe in giving people second chances, but not a 3rd 4th, 5th and 6th chance. This is no longer about his porn issue, this is about why you keep staying and allowing him all these "chances".
 

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Nobody was trying to convince you this was normal. You were asked if it's affecting your sex life. From you answer above IT IS. Everybody is different and what's normal for some may not be normal for others. If it's him that's always turning down sex then counseling is needed because he is getting his fulfillment elsewhere. If you are always turning down sex or don't initiate at all then there's your answer to the porn.

Counseling for either scenario would probably help.
 

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Something is missing.
This is obviously his problem, if you think he is addicted porn.
But the question is why?
My suspicion is that if he was not addicted to porn it might have been something else taking the place of the intimacy you desire.
Why does he prefer to masturbate to a digital fantasy when he ha the real thing at home waiting for him with loving arms and a warm smile?<---[Rhetorical Question ]

If he's just addicted to porn that can be easily fixed.
If he's addicted to sex,then big problem!

In my opinion ,if you stop making a fuss over the mags etc , and sit and reason in a non judgemental way, maybe he will come around. That is of course,if you have not already done that!
 

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"he INSISTS it 's no problem and he can stop anytime..." - you need to tell him that it is a problem especially since he is turning down sex with his own wife. I really don't have more advice than to enforce what others have said about counseling. If he won't go then you will need to think about what it is you want because I doubt seriously that this is something that he will willingly stop since he hasn't done so after being confronted 6 other times. Good luck to you!
 

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How could anyone bring this out into the light of day when there ARE children and they would not eventually be exposed to it? And not by just anyone, but their FATHER. I have five, still innocent children, that I refuse to let be exposed to this for as long as I can. The fact that the man I chose to marry and have children with LIED to me BEFORE we got married is NOT my fault. He lied and hid it well KNOWING that I DO find it morally reprehensible. The 'porn', and his use of it would be the reason for the damage to our marriage, not because I don't accept something I've ALWAYS been against. I would have no problem leaving him to let him have his 'stuff' all to himself, but with the children, I cannot bear to tear their world in two. I admit it is a balancing act staying married and keeping the kids safe. I have been supportive in helping him to overcome this and offered to go to counseling with him (or he can go alone) but he INSISTS it 's no problem and he can stop anytime...and then, he obviously doesn't.
As for the sex...the only complaint would be he is usually too tired and can go weeks without it because, well, let's face it, he has 'Other Options'...So good luck to anyone trying to convince me this is 'Normal'. It would be like trying to convince me there isn't a God. BTW, if this was a casual peak at women's naked body's because they are beautiful, then this would be very different, but the stuff I found WAS VULGAR and demeaning to me as a woman. How can he look at me or our daughter's in a respectable way after indulging in watching group sex and women having sex with machines? And getting off on it too? I also found some kind of device that has what looks like a small probe and a long wire attached to some sort of battery powered thing with a button on it..no idea what that is. Why is this better than being with me? His always faithful, supportive, loving wife..
I'm just so sad and don't know what to do and I guess I asked the original question about the where and how because I can't deal with this anymore...
WOW, just WOW.

Is he doing this in front of the kids? How are you taking the leap from him watching porn to the total and absolute corruption of your five children?

Let's take a step back for a minute. Most every guy watches porn. Personally, I'm not proud of it and I don't expose my wife to it (although she has watched on occasion). I never exposed my kids to it.

You don't like it and the fact that your husband lied to you about it IS an issue. But if he said it "wasn't his thing", that doesn't mean he doesn't watch it. Ice cream "isn't my thing" but I'll eat it every now and then.

The bigger question is why is your husband turning to porn. Obviously if you have five kids there was some sexual excitement in your marriage (at least five times :) ), what's it like now?
 

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How could anyone bring this out into the light of day when there ARE children and they would not eventually be exposed to it? And not by just anyone, but their FATHER. I have five, still innocent children, that I refuse to let be exposed to this for as long as I can.
With all due respect I think you are being way melodramatic here. There are all sorts of ways of excercising descretion so the kids aren't exposed to it. I think you are using the kids to bolster your argument which isn't necessary. Your moral objection to porn is your right. His moral acceptance to porn is his right.

The problem here is that you both are on opposite sides of the issue and instead of working with you on this he finds it easier to hide it. If it has been 6 times, he will not stop. He doesn't feel he should have to because he doesn't see it as a problem. He sees your attitude about it as the problem. If you won't leave him you'll have to just accept it and let him have his little "truck" time and ignore it.

The other problem is it seems to affect your sex life. This is the part I don't get. I check out porn from time to time and I will tell you, the more sex I have, the less I look. I would never replace actual sex with porn.

You have some thinking to do. Good luck.
 

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I believe in giving people second chances, but not a 3rd 4th, 5th and 6th chance. This is no longer about his porn issue, this is about why you keep staying and allowing him all these "chances".
This! :iagree:
 

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Was your sex life always so sparse? Would you consider the sex life you've had to be varied? I mean, would your husband as you to do different things but you declined? I don't think it's right for him to not communicate to you his desires, but have you also made him comfortable to express himself to you? If he knew that you hated porn for
The get go, he probably lied just to make you happy and for you not to view him negatively. It sounds like there hasn't been a lot of compromise. This is something that could be helped w counseling.

IMO, porn is entertainment. I see it just as shocking and in its own way creating a physical respone as horror films.

Also, if you think your children will "have their wold torn in two" by coming across naked people doing weird things to each other, that means they don't have any emotional coping skills.
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1) Lighten up, lady. It's porn. Unless it's kiddy porn you should really just lighten up.

2) Most men look at porn, some more than others. It's a pretty normal, natural thing.

3) If he's going to look at it, he shouldn't lie to you about it. You need to make it clear that lying is not acceptable.

4) Make it clear that masturbating to porn and then saying he's too tired to have sex with you is unacceptable.

You need to set some realistic boundaries, get agreement from him that they're acceptable, and then hold him to them.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Thank you for all opinions..Side note: When I spoke of tearing their world in two, I was speaking of a divorce, not the porn.
I am not being 'melodramatic' about the children being exposed to it either, because it was HIS step-father that had it and at 12 he 'stumbled upon it'. I have an 11 year old son. I already know that it will present itself to most everyone, my kids included, I just have to work harder now that it's around my home. To all those men that keep saying, 'Lighten up, We all watch porn', did any of you get that maybe there is a difference between 'watching and getting off to women having sex with machines' and looking at the female body? But Oh, maybe that's too boring for men nowadays.

For those who asked, sex is infrequent, and not because I don't take care of myself or am not always willing. But, physically it hurts too because he has to slam me to climax. (Ugh, I hate saying that even on a keyboard)
MY problem summed up: He lied before marriage on something he knew I didn't like, (had kids with me too) AND the extremely unnatural content he seems to enjoy. I am also sorry to those that feel I've put up with this too long and given too many chances, my ONLY reason is for the children to continue living in an intact home (unfortunately with porn around) Otherwise, I would have ZERO problem leaving him to move on to some other chick that digs that sorta thing.
 
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