I forgave my wife

10319 Views 17 Replies 17 Participants Last post by Sara8, Oct 15, 2012

rushzappafan

Discussion Starter · Oct 14, 2012

I don't know why. My wife fooled around in July and blew the guy and in August f'ed him. I confronted her last week and she said he came on to her and she was flattered. Turns out he was a lousey lover and she has no interest in him.
I am so on the edge. My boys keep me here. My wife keeps telling me How much she appreciates me not leaving her. I am dying inside. I know she is a beautiful woman, sexual and at the height of her sexuality. But if feel gutted.
She thinks I have forgiven her. I said I did, I meant it, but I just want to die. How do you get over your best friend betraying you?

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Caribbean Man

· #2 · Oct 14, 2012 (Edited)

rushzappafan said:
I don't know why. My wife fooled around in July and blew the guy and in August f'ed him. I confronted her last week and she said he came on to her and she was flattered. Turns out he was a lousey lover and she has no interest in him.
I am so on the edge. My boys keep me here. My wife keeps telling me How much she appreciates me not leaving her. I am dying inside. I know she is a beautiful woman, sexual and at the height of her sexuality. But if feel gutted.
She thinks I have forgiven her. I said I did, I meant it, but I just want to die. How do you get over your best friend betraying you?

^^^^^^^^
There is your answer.
You need to FIND OUT WHY.
Or else it will forever haunt you, and she WILL cheat again.
Ask her why did she do it, based on her answer you will get your answer.
A woman does not just wake up one morning and decide to go blow and F an guy.
In addition it happened twice, in the space of two months.
Do not accept " I don't know " as an answer.
Also forget that crap she said about " he was a lousy lover."
If he was so lousy, then why did she go twice?
Are you sure she only went twice?
Demand the truth.
Time, Place , everything.

Get screened for STD's.

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Entropy3000

· #3 · Oct 14, 2012 (Edited)

You have agreed to an open marriage. You have told your wife this ok and that she need not respect you. That she can cake eat and have other men because you have no firm boundaries. You have rug swept this. She will have even less respect for you now than when she gave herself to someone else repeatedly.

Just trying to level set you.

So what has you wife done to deserve to be forgiven? What is your wife going to do to prevent this from happening again and again and again? Have you set boundaries?

What are you doing to moniort her behavior?

Her reasoning for doing this is more than selfish. It is cruel.

She knows she hurt you but what conequences does she have?

What are your boundaries? What is your deal breaker?

--------------

Ok just went back and reread your other thread.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/53705-i-havent-confronted-my-wife-yet.html#post989313

You watched this happening. Then when it it did you forgave her. Wow.
It was her affair to be sure but you did not intervene to slow her down but watched. Whatup with that? Will you watch again or are you prepared to take firmer action at some point.

I am amazed that you are a CEO of a large organization and do not have more self respect than this. I am beating you up because you need a wakeup call. This will not just get better on its own. Take some of those CEO skills and apply them to your marriage. You may have to fire her.

I am so torn right now. I feel guilty because I am half turned on by the thought of her having sex, but also hurt that she has decided risk our marriage to sleep with this guy, expecially after I confronted her about him.

This is cuckold fetish stuff.

But all this aside, what is it you are looking for here on TAM?

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Goldmember357

· #4 · Oct 14, 2012

Forgiving does not work for everything you might find it eats at you and suffer many more years when you do not have to. Oh well all humans because of their own actions determine their own path and have nobody to look at but themselves. I wish you luck though

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MattMatt

· #5 · Oct 14, 2012

rushzappafan said:
I don't know why. My wife fooled around in July and blew the guy and in August f'ed him. I confronted her last week and she said he came on to her and she was flattered. Turns out he was a lousey lover and she has no interest in him.
I am so on the edge. My boys keep me here. My wife keeps telling me How much she appreciates me not leaving her. I am dying inside. I know she is a beautiful woman, sexual and at the height of her sexuality. But if feel gutted.
She thinks I have forgiven her. I said I did, I meant it, but I just want to die. How do you get over your best friend betraying you?

Yep. I know. Horrible, isn't it? I wanted to die when I found out.

Do something I didn't do. Get counselling. Individual and as a couple.

Also, I ended up having a stupid revenge affair. Made me feel worse.

Shaggy

· #6 · Oct 14, 2012

What does forgiveness mean in cases like this?

I think basically it means she now is living in an open marriage. she can try out any guy she likes, keep the ones that excite her, and dump the rest.

You may get the occasional pity sex. Are you ok with that?

Also, any woman who is flattered by a loser cvming on her face is not a keeper.

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Kallan Pavithran

· #7 · Oct 14, 2012

Are you sure that you got the complete truth? Is she remorseful and transparent? Is she on her knees for your forgiveness? Did you exposed her? If the answer is NO then you are in rug sweeping and false R.

Your pain will not go away, you are going to build more resentments.

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AngryandUsed

· #8 · Oct 14, 2012

Sorry.

You rugswept her affair and are experiencing the results of it.

Get to see your doctor.

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tonyarz

· #9 · Oct 15, 2012

You will always think in the back of your mind if she is telling you the truth about things. Like if she is late from work or whatever the circumstance is.

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Dollystanford

· #10 · Oct 15, 2012

Just out of interest, what would she have done if he hadn't been a 'lousy lover'?
Posted via Mobile Device

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shazam

· #11 · Oct 15, 2012

rushzappafan said:
I don't know why. My wife fooled around in July and blew the guy and in August f'ed him. I confronted her last week and she said he came on to her and she was flattered. Turns out he was a lousey lover and she has no interest in him.
I am so on the edge. My boys keep me here. My wife keeps telling me How much she appreciates me not leaving her. I am dying inside. I know she is a beautiful woman, sexual and at the height of her sexuality. But if feel gutted.
She thinks I have forgiven her. I said I did, I meant it, but I just want to die. How do you get over your best friend betraying you?

That height is on a decline every year that passes.

Plan 9 from OS

· #12 · Oct 15, 2012

Dollystanford said:
Just out of interest, what would she have done if he hadn't been a 'lousy lover'?
Posted via Mobile Device

You're assuming that the OM really was a lousy lover. The OP did not consider the fact that his wife lied to him in order to not hurt him any further.

OP, how did you find out about the affair? Did your wife confess of her own accord or was she found out? Even if she confessed, you still have to consider the fact that she may have confessed under duress, i.e. if the OM's wife/GF found out and was threatening to tell your wife herself unless your wife came clean. If the OM has a GF or a wife, I'd strongly consider talking to her in order to get the story straight.

This woman was let off the hook way to easy IMHO.

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tonyarz

· #13 · Oct 15, 2012

I would say most of the time the person says the affair was horrible and the OM/OW was a lousy lover, to build confidence in their Betrayed spouse. My first wife did the same thing, who knows if it's true or not. I could really care less now. lol

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costa200

· #14 · Oct 15, 2012

Could it be that one of the reasons you feel that way is that you deep down know her excuses are bullcrap?

I confronted her last week and she said he came on to her and she was flattered

It was his fault? Bullcrap!

Turns out he was a lousey lover

Is she going to have a taste out of anyone to see if they are good? Bullcrap.

and she has no interest in him.

That's what she says now... More bullcrap!

You gave absolutely no consequences for her behavior...

I know she is a beautiful woman, sexual and at the height of her sexuality.

What kind of Oprah line is this? So what if she is? Plenty women are and don't do what she did! You decided to forgive but i think you failed to truly evaluate what forgiveness means in this case. You actually didn't work it out. You tried to rugsweep it all away but the pain remained.

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Count of Monte Cristo

· #15 · Oct 15, 2012

Could you PM me the corporation that you work for? I need this info just in case I own some shares because I plan on cashing out.

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Sindo

· #16 · Oct 15, 2012

Just because you forgave her doesn't mean you have to stay married to her.

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dogman

· #17 · Oct 15, 2012

Sindo said:
Just because you forgave her doesn't mean you have to stay married to her.

I agree!

People confuse forgiveness and reconcilliation all the time.

Forgiveness is for the person forgiving.

Reconciliation is a continuation of the relationship after an understanding is met.

You can have forgiveness without reconcilliation but not reconciliation without forgiveness.

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Sara8

· #18 · Oct 15, 2012

rushzappafan said:
I don't know why. My wife fooled around in July and blew the guy and in August f'ed him. I confronted her last week and she said he came on to her and she was flattered. Turns out he was a lousey lover and she has no interest in him.

I am not quite sure I would take this at face value.

The serial cheater OW in my husband's affair also told her spouse my STBEH came onto her, and she also claimed she was not interested in him sexually. She liked the attention.

The truth based on the anonymous emails sent to me were so opposite.

Also, the first email was sent by her, the OW, in which she solicited the relationship, and later sex.

She also complained in emails about being totally disgusted by her husband's pasty, hairy, overwieght body, and lusted after my husband's body.

Also my STBEH twice tried to break it off with her, and she pushed and pushed for more.

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