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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
We had the hearing last month; this has been an over 2 year nightmare. First he snuck off for an affair (supposed to be working) then he came back and played it off like he was 16 miles away, alone, instead of 200 miles where the phone locator caught him by a stroke of good fortune when he called in "sick" Sunday morning. We had found his car in a parking lot and brought it home; I pulled the bottle of newly purchased Viagra (receipt was in the car and a full bottle remained in his bathroom cupboard) ... he claimed he was "testing it" to see if it still worked (right, with the upset stomach and all else he claimed to also be suffering with the whole weekend.) I asked him to leave for a couple of days so nothing would be said, between us or our teen daughters that would be hard to fix later. I felt better, because I knew now why I had been feeling bad.

He filed for divorce, I filed for a provisional order and received custody of our teen daughter. I later filed to receive her benefits as representative payee, they called him and he said he paid the bills and kept getting the money.

He got his attorney and told me he was going to "wap" me (he had already filed an additional suit in small claims for my keeping a small amount of money - $1300 vs. the $4000 in his savings, which he had "shut down" on discovery. I hired an attorney as I had been "wapped" before. He filed for emergency temporary custody based on my "abusing" our daughter. I freaked out ... our daughter said she had told Dad over and over, "it didn't happen that way". He cried the day I found out he had filed that ... remorse? No, apparently, his married girlfriend had cancer.

He asked if he could stop by for Christmas. I said okay. Our youngest was happy, because she thought Dad was flirting with me. The next night, he called and demanded to know if I had contacted her husband. I said no. "Well how does he know?" I told him maybe people are just catching on to those known to be liars a little faster ...

The basement flooded because the sump pump was off ... he had been in the house many times when we weren't, turning off lights and raising Cain about the electric bill. Then he came in and smashed the dehumidifier to pieces, because to rid the basement of excess water/moisture would have raised the electric about $28. A week later, both our daughters were mildly sick and I was coughing up blood. I went and bought another dehumidifier and spent about $100 for medical treatment.

He kept coming over, screaming at times and threatening me because I was "destroying" lives and mine was "worthless". He told me they'd "find me in the river"; my attorney got a protective order. Not "the end" as we have children and it is too expensive to communicate only through attorneys. He refused to settle or make any motions toward it and I refused to give in to his demands to pack up, get out and take the debts off his credit cards.

Every so often, I looked up from yard work or leaving for work (I'd already lost a job thanks to stress and my car continually breaking down, plus his refusal to pay up for the contempt of taking and keeping our daughter's money) to see the married girlfriend's car parked at MILs, spending the day with not a care in the world, Certainly not with the shattered world she'd helped visit onto our daughters and me, no nothing like that for her ... I sometimes wondered if her little boy knew much about how his mother spent her "free time".

During discovery, I found large sums of money gone, to casinos, to restaurants, etc. I saw where he had gone to casinos and claimed he wasn't playing (or much) and found out he lied. I saw casino trips I knew nothing about. Since he refused to settle, except once and then rescinding the offer once I accepted it (and spent hundreds more reviewing it with attorney), we had to go to trial. My attorney sent a copy of the letter she'd sent to his ... would be going for unequal division on merit ... dissipation through gambling and affair.

My car continued to break down ... I was forced to do the repairs using a Haynes manual, youtube videos and often, parts pulled from salvage (where I have to get all my tires for now). I was in danger of losing my second job, the small business I was trying to do fell by the wayside; he filed his taxes solo to avoid my getting his refund as part of what he owed.

We went to trial and I answered questions, although didn't seem like many, about the gambling, his affair and behavior. I waited patiently, not expecting to get everything my attorney had asked for, but not expecting what I got. Due to all the financial misadventures, we have only the house and lots of debts. I won't even get a clear share of "person property" equalized until the house sells and hopefully, sells for enough. The attorneys come before me, too to the tune of $2000 each. And despite all the things he did that necessitated my legal services, I was stuck with an $8000 bill for protection. Last summer, I was approved for an FHA mortgage but needed either a decree or signed settlement. Now, I'm going to have to work hard to avoid bankruptcy and how I will actually move, ??? So once (if) I am equalized, then we can split remaining proceeds 50/50.

The other day, after absorbing all of this, I came across an old bank statement of his. It was from the time we were previously divorced and he had been taking me to Court to restrict me from our daughters. He hadn't shown up for the hearing, because he was "out of state". I saw an ATM withdrawal and with hope and a hunch, googled the address. B-I-N-G-O, or so I thought. Yes, it was at a casino. And he had made numerous trips to this place over the years, in fact many of the Court cases he filed against me seemed to precede one of these trips. I thought for sure I had found good news for our daughters and me ... here was evidence that he was screaming abuse when it suited his purposes (what kind of parent takes an abusive partner back and then takes off on out of state trips?), here was evidence he was using the Courts to deprive me of the relationship my daughters and I were supposed to be able to have ... and I thought, evidence that his gambling habit was more extensive and lengthy than I even imagined. Noticed, after going through all the papers, that he'd refi'd the house twice and all else.

But my attorney was rather frosty when she got back with me ... I can't even afford to leave this place, I was totally misled and had dumped all my money into this place and paying debts, investing in a business I can't work on til things calm ... which is? We didn't argue dissipation, I learned. First I knew of it. And the paper was "worthless" although to me, it proved his fraud and deception in previous cases. It's been a rough month. I really can't imagine how I (or our daughters)
deserved to go through this, only to have to sit and wait some more in a limbo that I didn't even choose to live in ... 20 miles from jobs and auto parts stores. I got a note about being late again for work; my oil and brake lights flickering on again. Tried to do everything I could to settle things peaceably without getting totally screwed; now I only wonder if I should have cut and run when it all began. So my attorney tells me she won't file any motions, I can "do it myself" or hire someone else. A few months ago, she made a remark about her not getting me any more "free rent" ... I let her know during the last conversation that just between legal fees and therapy (to keep on an even keel for our daughters' sake, too) the "free rent" has cost me $450 month ... plus I have had no peace of mind and get to clean dog urine and feces from the carpets on quite a regular basis (his dogs; his comment -shouts - at me two days before he left: "You were given a home to live in ... if you don't like it, leave." He was angry because I didn't clean the dog urine immediately. Why bother? There were already three other spots from when I wasn't there to constantly monitor the dog ...

At least I can look forward to possibly having a clean credit report again in 7 -10 years, since I've gotten to the point where my increased rates and juggling are not giving me any additional breathing room. And our children are now young adults, so I should never have to go through this hell on Earth on his account ever again. Seems to me the "law" protects the bad guys a lot more than it does anything else ...
 

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I'm really very sorry your going through this, and a second time too. He's going to take anything he can get to feed his addictions whether legal or not. I bet he will cheat again as well and continue to lie to whomever crosses his path.

My father is a recovering gambler. If he was still gambling today, he and my mother would be homeless. He only stopped because of her.

I hope you get through this without much more hassle. He's given you enough grief already.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
My attorney quit because I refused to file bankruptcy and because I insisted on filing a post decree motion. Hasn't formally filed withdrawal, but I muddled through researching what I needed to do to file on my own after consultation (and arguing) with her; another attorney doesn't think it will help, but said "not impossible".

I'm not sure what will happen, been told I might have to pay his attorney fees. Whatever. Not like I have a lot left to "lose" at this point, plus haven't been able to deal with helping our daughter navigate through over $10k in medical bills and $4k in school fees.

Just got a letter from his attorney, too, the day after entering my motion. Apparently, he now wants "credit" toward what he owes me for making mortgage payments til house is sold or I'm out and wants me to pay utilities. Guess I'm supposed to pull money from thin air LOL ... actually, he just wants me out. I know the house will NEVER sell if that happens ...

What a disaster. Oh well, I'm learning and I'm satisfying the "what if" factor. If I don't try, I'm bound to lose. If I try, I might be likely to lose. But I still have appeal rights, etc even so and that's a far cry from anywhere I've been in past with him and his numerous and malicious Court actions ... against me ... never anyone else. And discovering a little more as each discovery leads to another piece of the puzzle, aptly titled "You've been used". :mad:
 

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Wow. Why should you have to pay any debts that are a result of his gambling or hotel bills with his mistress? That isn't considered marital debt. That should be on him.

Attorneys. I absolutely won't get one. But then again, we have no real assets, but my H has probably run up an impressive amount of credit card debt since our separation 2 years ago. I'm hoping that will all get assigned to him because my credit is clear at the moment. I have no debt at all.

Life is unfair though. Sounds like your H belongs to the same club as mine. :mad:
 
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Yes, I've felt sorry for my children, too. This all actually started something like 15 years ago, after I went into counseling and started seeing things differently. He quickly went into defense mode, snatching our children when I left, shutting off our bank accounts, blah blah blah. I went into a state of utter shock over some of what happened, and that has NEVER happened to me before. Plus, I ended up with severe panic attacks as a result of walking into my own home and having someone swoop out from their hidey hole (the kitchen) and run off with the girls. The attacks weren't actually diagnosed ... for like 5 years and I was not sure WHAT was happening in my mind.

I would have preferred to go without the attorney, but his has used some very questionable methods. I've also gone through all the files and the Court CCS, and it appears the Sheriff's department intentionally "couldn't find the residence" in 2003 when I tried to get a protective order. I've already filed a Court motion, which mysteriously hasn't been denied, granted or ANYTHING. So now, I have to check into that. From what I understand (now being pro se) a pro se filer isn't required to have a motion be "perfect" in every detail, though standards are the same as if you are an attorney, so if need be, I should have the right to amend my motion, if it's not "correct". But it seems to have been sucked into a black hole. Not noted, even on the current CCS. I alleged fraud on the Court and extrinsic fraud (against me) so I know that is fairly "serious" but I believe my evidence corroborates pretty well.
 

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You are in such a bad place right now financially it seems that filing bankruptcy might be your best choice. Why are you resistant to doing it? You need something to happen that gives you a huge break.
 
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