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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am a girl from China, and I moved to the UK 4 months ago for my husband.
We married in Jan. Of 2020, due to Covid, he couldn’t come to China, we waited until the end of November, then I gave up everything in China and flew to England for him, another reason to fly here was also because we wanted to have a baby soon, I am 34 years old now.
But after I arrived here, it was quite sweet at the beginning, but after a short while, we started to argue for small things and I tried every week.
Below are the main things that I was very angry at:
1. I am pregnant for 18+ weeks now. One day he came to me and sud
Hi said: I love the baby more than you. I was shocked and I asked: if so, when I giving birth to the baby, only one person can live, which will you choose? He did not take tome to think and immediately answered: the baby. That
Makes me really really sad. He explained that it’s a culture difference, in England most people will choose the baby. But I really can’t believe and can’t accept.
2. After we argue, he talked to his parents on that. I feel really bad on that. I think we should never get our parents involved on our arguments, I only know him and his family in the UK, I think he talks bad of me in front of his parents, that
Makes me can’t get along well with his family, and I feel so helpless and lonely here in the UK. For me, I don’t want my family or friends worry about me, so I never told them I am not happy here.
3. After I pregnant, I need body check and baby scan every 4 week, since I am on a visitor visa here, I can only go to private hospital. I need him to do research and arrange for me, since I am new here and my English is not good. But every time, I need to push pans push and push him to do this kind of things, I feel so depressed on how he is doing it. I feel like he does not care about me and the baby. He explained and asked me to trust him, he loves and cares me and the baby very much, and he just is used to delaying things. But I can’t believe it, actions show your cares, he also say he cares, but all his actions showed he doesn’t, how can I trust him?
4. He is really mean. I rushed to come here, since I worried if I didn’t come earlier, there will be no planes soon. I only got one bank card, which doesn’t allow me to take pounds out in the counter here in this town. After I arrived, he paid for everything. Since it’s under lockdown since i’ Been here, the only money that he spent on me was some food, also electric, water and gaps bills. And some tablets for pregnancy. He mentioned about I need to share those costs with him several time. And 1 week ago, he asked if I can send him some money, I agreed and I tried to send a good amount of money to him at the same day he requested, but I failed, due to my bank card is a union pay card and it’s mainly to be used in China, not for international money transfer. And I told him I can’t transfer money at the moment, and I will be able to take some cash out if we can find a counter that supports union pay. He said okay. After one week, we were at home and did not go any
Hi during the week, but he suddenly asked me again: when can you send me money? It feels like a pushing to me, I don’t think he is treating me like a wife. I only used him a small amount of money for daily food, why he pushed me to pay him as I already explained I can’t at the moment, and I also promised that I will send him money once I can. It feels really sad to me. He explained saying he just forgot what happened one week ago and he just asked, not pushing, so I don’t need to be sad, just to explain why I couldn’t at the moment is okay. Am I wrong? I think too much? I should not be sad in this case? Ask this is not a problem? He is not pushing?

I am very confused, am I from a different country so I feel a different way? Am I wrong? I am too easy to be sad and I should not be sad in this cases?

Anybody can help me? I feel hopeless and helpless.

Thank you for reading my story. Please share some ideas with me, thank you very much.
 

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I am not understanding something. He’s asked you to send him money. Didn’t you say you are with him in England? Where are you? Where is he?
You say when you got there he paid for everything. Now he wants you to send him money. I am unable to follow the sequence of events because it seems you are no longer with him and I can’t figure out where you are.

Are you employed?
It sounds like he is unhappy because he is paying all the bills and doesn’t feel you are contributing or working as a team in the relationship. You said he doesn’t spend money on you. What money are you expecting him to spend? Does he ignore your needs? Were you expecting to be a stay-at-home wife and he is wanting you to work and contribute to household expenses?

There are a lot of things I don’t understand in your relationship.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Let me explain more. I am living in England with him now. Before I came here, I applied from my boss to work from home in England for several months, and he agreed. But after I moved to England, my boss lower down my position and gave me hard work to do( I was a manager but no longer a manager after I came here in the UK). So I have income from work, and working under pressure.
The reason why he paid for everything is mainly because that I can’t take my money out in the UK, since it is a Chinese bank card and supports only RMB, I need to go to a specific bank here to take GBP out which is not able to do at the moment.
Actually I took 200GBP cash with me to come here and I used it all for our daily food.
I don’t expect him to buy anything to me, I am just thinking his is very mean, he just paid for daily food for us after I used up all my GBP which is not a lot, and I promised I will send him money once I can, but he still push me for money even he knows I am not able to send at the moment. so it is not acceptable to me, it is not a husband to me, too mean to me I think...
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I did say that many times. And he said he agreed that to go back to China is the best way. And if I really want to go back, he can help me. Because after our argument every time, I was very very upset, sometimes I will hurt myself. I think I am getting crazy.
 

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I did say that many times. And he said he agreed that to go back to China is the best way. And if I really want to go back, he can help me. Because after our argument every time, I was very very upset, sometimes I will hurt myself. I think I am getting crazy.
He doesn't care about HIS own baby?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
He doesn't care about HIS own baby?
I trust that he does. But I can’t understand why he reacts that way, he keeps saying that I am too emotional here and he worries the health of the baby if I cry and hurt myself many times here. I am not sure if our problems are due to different cultures, are all English men worried his wife not contributing for food sooner? Are English husband will choose the baby to live if the baby and wife only on can live?
For me, marriage is 2 in one, I don’t mind to share the cost of daily life, but I feel so hurt if my husband reacts like he did. And I he always says he loves me very much, but I can barely see that through his reaction. Also I am pregnant now, and I only have him in this country. I need him to care about me more.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I am not understanding something. He’s asked you to send him money. Didn’t you say you are with him in England? Where are you? Where is he?
You say when you got there he paid for everything. Now he wants you to send him money. I am unable to follow the sequence of events because it seems you are no longer with him and I can’t figure out where you are.

Are you employed?
It sounds like he is unhappy because he is paying all the bills and doesn’t feel you are contributing or working as a team in the relationship. You said he doesn’t spend money on you. What money are you expecting him to spend? Does he ignore your needs? Were you expecting to be a stay-at-home wife and he is wanting you to work and contribute to household expenses?

There are a lot of things I don’t understand in your relationship.
Let me explain more. I am living in England with him now. Before I came here, I applied from my boss to work from home in England for several months, and he agreed. But after I moved to England, my boss lower down my position and gave me hard work to do( I was a manager but no longer a manager after I came here in the UK). So I have income from work, and working under pressure.
The reason why he paid for everything is mainly because that I can’t take my money out in the UK, since it is a Chinese bank card and supports only RMB, I need to go to a specific bank here to take GBP out which is not able to do at the moment.
Actually I took 200GBP cash with me to come here and I used it all for our daily food.
I don’t expect him to buy anything to me, I am just thinking his is very mean, he just paid for daily food for us after I used up all my GBP which is not a lot, and I promised I will send him money once I can, but he still push me for money even he knows I am not able to send at the moment. so it is not acceptable to me, it is not a husband to me, too mean to me I think...
 

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Does your husband really thinks you are going to find work immediately with a visitor visa and also being pregnant? That's totally unreasonable. You are correct: he doesn't sound like a nice man to me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Does your husband really thinks you are going to find work immediately with a visitor visa and also being pregnant? That's totally unreasonable. You are correct: he doesn't sound like a nice man to me.
Actually I still keeping the job in China , my boss agreed to let me work from home in the UK for several months. I was a manager but my boss was not happy about me working from home in the UK and he lower down my position and looking for somebody else to replace my job. I agreed to share the daily cost here just I can’t take GBP out here and he just needs to be patient on that.
 

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Actually I still keeping the job in China , my boss agreed to let me work from home in the UK for several months. I was a manager but my boss was not happy about me working from home in the UK and he lower down my position and looking for somebody else to replace my job. I agreed to share the daily cost here just I can’t take GBP out here and he just needs to be patient on that.
sorry, I forgot about that bit... so, your husband is angry because you can't contribute financially... and you can't take any money out. A bank transfer from your bank in China to his in the UK is not possible at all?
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
sorry, I forgot about that bit... so, your husband is angry because you can't contribute financially... and you can't take any money out. A bank transfer from your bank in China to his in the UK is not possible at all?
Yes, I can’t transfer money from my Chinese bank account to his UK account at all. And I can take cash out here, but need to find a counter which supports that, we tried all counters here in this town and failed. He is not angry on that, but I think he is not happy about that. And not being patient, and checked with me when I can pay him only 6 days after we tried all counters here. Only for several hundred pounds, I am angry that he cares about the money that much and I feel helpless in another country, also it feels like not something a husband will react to me.
 

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Yes, I can’t transfer money from my Chinese bank account to his UK account at all. And I can take cash out here, but need to find a counter which supports that, we tried all counters here in this town and failed. He is not angry on that, but I think he is not happy about that. And not being patient, and checked with me when I can pay him only 6 days after we tried all counters here. Only for several hundred pounds, I am angry that he cares about the money that much and I feel helpless in another country, also it feels like not something a husband will react to me.
I don't understand why he married you, really...
 

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How long did you know this guy, when did you meet?

Also you should change your picture so no one identifies you.
 
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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
How long did you know this guy, when did you meet?

Also you should change your picture so no one identifies you.
Thank you for reminding on my profile picture.
We’ve known each other for more than 10 years now. We had a relationship like 9 years ago for 2 years and we broke up due to distance. We met again in 2018 and we started our relationship again then got married in 2020.
 

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I feel bad that you are having such a hard time. It's even more difficult with moving to another country and the different cultures and everything.

Please, don't hurt yourself though. It won't make him love you more or take care of you. It will hurt you and maybe your baby, and it will only chase him away.

Do you have any friends to talk to? Can you go back home? Maybe that's for the best if he is a mean, greedy, person. You don't need that and neither does your baby.
 

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Since you have money but can’t seem to access it... you need to figure out a way to get the money.

Can you have family back home access your money? They could then send it or wire it to you or your husband.

Can you get a new card? One that is more versatile and transfer money to that card to be used in England?

Surely there must be a better way if you have the money at home.

I don’t blame your husband for wanting the mo way you earn to help pay household expenses. When someone asks - I don’t see why YOU were angry with him when he already waited six days after asking you.

When someone needs money - it usually means right away. I understand you couldn’t access your money - but you must have a way of problem solving this and it shouldn’t take six days.

Ask your family for the money and they can take the same amount out of your account at home.

In some ways - it appears you expect him to pay everything and you want to be angry with him for expecting anything from you.

Are you a partner that contributes equally to a relationship or you expect him to take care of everything for you?
 

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You moved to a foreign place in a pandemic. That is very isolating because there are few opportunities to socialize & get acclimated in the new place.

I agree with you that your husband should not be crying to his parents about your marital problems. Those should stay between you & your husband but since he's already involved them & you have limited resources, try enlisting their help. Get them to take you to "your bank" in the UK so that you can either take out enough money to open another account in a UK bank that is more easily accessible or to set up on line banking, get you a credit card, or something so you have better access to the funds you earn. Talk to his mom about her fears & concerns she had when she was pregnant with your husband. Get her to help you access the hospital you need or spur her son into taking action.

Once you get your funds maybe invest in an on line language class to improve your English so you can be less reliant on your husband. Having the confidence to be more independent may help you.

If you are not already arrange periodic video calls with your friends & family back home to ease your own loneliness.

Hang in there for your baby's sake.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Since you have money but can’t seem to access it... you need to figure out a way to get the money.

Can you have family back home access your money? They could then send it or wire it to you or your husband.

Can you get a new card? One that is more versatile and transfer money to that card to be used in England?

Surely there must be a better way if you have the money at home.

I don’t blame your husband for wanting the mo way you earn to help pay household expenses. When someone asks - I don’t see why YOU were angry with him when he already waited six days after asking you.

When someone needs money - it usually means right away. I understand you couldn’t access your money - but you must have a way of problem solving this and it shouldn’t take six days.

Ask your family for the money and they can take the same amount out of your account at home.

In some ways - it appears you expect him to pay everything and you want to be angry with him for expecting anything from you.

Are you a partner that contributes equally to a relationship or you expect him to take care of everything for you?
I don’t think you understand at all.
What is a husband? I tried the best to send him money but I couldn’t. After I came here, I only used like 200GBP, is it that urgent to get this money from me? As I promised him I will send him the money once I can, why don’t trust me?
I am not angry at all for contributing a half, and I’ve never expect him to pay everything.
It’s I have difficulty to take my money out or transfer money to him, why push 200gbp from your wife when it’s difficult for her? Even a friend can lend me 10 times more.
When he was in China, he had the same problem, could not take him money out, so we only used my money, I used more than 5000gbp on us without him paying, i never pushed him. I waited when he can.
YOU CAN NOT GET THE POINT AT ALL!
 
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