I feel unwanted

Hi there.
Firstly, go easy on yourself - expectations give you a sense of inadequacy and make you want more than what you have. Being young and reasonably young in your relationship, it is normal to hope for sex on such a regular basis. Most men would be pleased for such an appetite. However, I did say *most*.

Go easy on him. Not all men are wired to think of sex day and night. It is important, in fact crucial, for you to discuss your sex life with him and come to an agreement that works for the two of you.

Secondly, your self-esteem seems to be wrapped up quite tightly by how your fiance finds you physically. Then there is this awkward communication breakdown that seems to be a downward spiral for you both. You *need* to be able to communicate your feelings and desires at a deeper level and often. There are reasons why he speaks and reacts the way he does.

It is worrying though that he openly says he doesn't want to be with you anymore. Were they serious words? Again, you need to talk about why he says it and under what premise he comes to that conclusion.

Self-esteem is important to build, and I can only say it should be built outside the realms of what you see in the mirror.

Hi thank you for your reply.


As I said, he completely shuts down when I'm upset. He doesn't react, won't speak and will only nod. The best way to describe it is to say he turns into a walking ball of depression.

So when I'm upset, half crying, half pissed off, I ask him if he even wants to be with me and sometimes he'll say no and I'll instantly stop and be like..wait, what?

Then he takes it back once he isn't a walking ball of depression.

I can't help it with the sex thing. I feel like as a man, he should always want me and sadly, I keep score and it's driving me insane. Like, a bit ago we had sex everyday for like a week and half. We didn't have sex for two days and did yesterday and now he's sick and just went to bed so that pushed me to finally post about this.

I know I'm being neurotic..but I just want him to say he doesn't want me anymore and then I'll just walk away. Why put up with someone that only wants you half the time?

So how frequently are you having sex? Everyday would be SWEEEET in my book; however, bear in mind that a healthy sex life does not have to occur daily. If he's having sex with you every other day then he is still well within the healthy sex life criteria. However, if you simply have to have it daily, then you may have to find a new man that will want to do that for you.

Now if your sex life is much less frequent than every other day, then you have a legitimate gripe. Regardless of the frequency, if its not up to your standards, chances are he will never satisfy you from a frequency standpoint. Once married, he may decrease it even further.

Bottom line is you need to have the talk with him about what he expects for a healthy sex life moving forward - just talk. No yelling from you and he cannot walk away to avoid the convo either. It must be discussed or it will remain the elephant in the room that neither of you will discuss.

prettynothing said:

I have this fear that we will become this sexless couple that lives in separate bedrooms, like his parents do.

Click to expand...

I married a man like this and yes we did in fact end up sexless for longer than I'd like to admit. Looking to someones childhood will give you clues to how your marriage is going to look. Despite our best effort we ended up just like HIS parents and mine.

If I had to do over again I wouldn't have married him. I did in fact waste my youth on him.

That's the bad news now here's the good news. I believe that it wouldn't have mattered if didn't marry him because the problem was in me. I think the hole in my soul was too deep to fill with sex which was what I was trying to do.

What I didn't realize until I got into therapy was that I was in fact depressed and had anxiety. Oh and fear of abandonment, separation anxiety, low self esteem, codependency and a host of other mental problems that caused me to overreact to simple things like my husband not wanting sex with me every day. As I fixed ME the sex came back.

Turns out a depressed, angry, crying woman isn't very attractive. Imagine that.

**I'd still think long and hard before marrying this man though. Or at the very least wait until you are happier. Things usually get worse after marriage not better.**

You sound very needy in just your written word. What seems to be going on is you are really wondering how much he loves you and trying to validate it by parading a hot body in front of him. If he cannot resist you every time then you get the validation you are looking for. This is the wrong way to go about it and somehow you've come to believe that a hot body is the end all be all of male attraction. But te truth is that it is a blend of things from physical to mental to emotional. You need to in addition to fulfill his physical needs also his mental and emotional needs. Hopefully intellectually you guys mesh bit it seems for dang sure you arenkn two different emotional plains. Like others say, you need to show a little more confidence as guys really cannot stand (generally speaking) tears. Most of us have been raised to not know what the heck to do and feel more comfortable going away and coming back once the years are all blown over. So, how abut trying to tell realize that parading your body is not the answer and, that you should work on your own self esteem some more and build some confidence. If you do the right thing you should notice yourself not worrying anymore what he thinks. Btw, daily is an awful lot of sex. I am totally starved font and know that I could go five days straight bit sure I'd need a break after that

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Pretty,

It seems that you are a High drive and he's a Low drive

This will not change if you go forward with the marriage. Most likely it will get worse.

If you can't fix this issue before the marriage, call it off!

Consider yourself lucky enough to have realized this is an issue for you BEFORE you married him! Many who come here never realized this and attributed the low drive of their partner to factors such as stress from the job or planning the wedding itself.

Once he's working full time his desire will not go up!

Think long and hard about this relationship!

After reading this thread, I have a few points:

Firstly, wanting sex everyday is awesome, and kudos to you. That said, not everyone wants sex everyday (even a mid-20's man) so expecting it everyday is asking a lot. I think the typical relationship is roughly twice a week. Maybe try something like 3-5 times a week and see how that goes?

Secondly, this thread seems to point out the catch 22 men can find themselves in. As a man, it's almost impossible to turn down sex much, if at all, or people start thinking there is a problem. I mean let's be honest, just because a man doesn't want sex EVERYDAY does not mean that there's something wrong with him or that he's not worthy of you. I myself have only turned down sex a handful of times in my life and each time I got grilled as to why, like me saying no to sex is sacreligous or something. Many men face the same dilemma, once in a while we just aren't in the mood. That doesn't mean we are suddenly impotent, our T-levels are gone, we are having an affair, we need to go on a diet, or we find our mates unattractive. It just means that from time to time, men can actually not be in the mood for sex.

Thirdly, I'm a little shocked at some of the responses from the women in this thread, advising the OP to leave her man do to his lower sex drive. Once again, I repeat, she is asking for sex every day. To put it in context, the average couple has sex roughly 100 times a year. She wants it 365 times a year, or 3.65 times the average. And because he is unwilling to go to that level, she should leave him?

If this was a man saying he wanted sex everyday and complaining that his wife doesn't seem to always do it, I doubt anyone would be saying to leave. It's a ridiculous double standard.

My advise to prettynothing is to simply evaluate the importance of sex in a relationship to you in terms of frequency. Do you really need it every day? If so, then leave, but I suspect that you don't need it daily. Very few people actually NEED sex daily.

If you elect to stay, I suspect you'll find that there are other issues at play here with your man. Firstly, there's the stress of getting a job and currently working part-time. For many men, there is actually an ego thing to having your partner earn more than you. That doesn't apply to me, but I know for many men it can be an ego blow to have their partner as the main income. Have you asked him if you making more money bugs him? It might and he might be distancing himself from you as a result unknowningly. This could explain the lack of sex.

Additionally, is there any other stress he's facing? Getting ready for these tests you mention to become a personal trainer? How are the finances? Any problems in the family? Marriage talk? Talk of kids? Anything else that could be causing stress?

I don't think that sex is the real root issue here, but rather a symptom. You may need to do some digging to get to the real issue.