Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 35 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello everyone.

Here is my dilemma.

I feel like my fiance of two and a half years does not want to have sex with me anymore. And it hurts.

I'm 23. 5'0. 100 lbs. Very pretty. I get hit on constantly and am always asked out. My boobs are very big and I have a nice err..backside, haha.


He is 24 and seems to just not want me anymore. Sometimes we would have sex once a day but lately it seems he does not want it anymore. And then I get upset at him or cry and blame myself and think I'm ugly. And he completely shuts down and refuses to talk at all.
Sometimes he says he doesn't wanna be with me anymore. But then takes it back.

I know I have issues but it just hurts my feelings that he does not seem to want me sexually. It makes me feel ugly and like there is something wrong with me.

Am I wrong to expect sex once a day and feel hurt when he does not want too? I just really don't know what to do.

We live together and I work full time. He only works part time so I'm not home as often as he is.

Thanks..
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
115 Posts
Hi there.
Firstly, go easy on yourself - expectations give you a sense of inadequacy and make you want more than what you have. Being young and reasonably young in your relationship, it is normal to hope for sex on such a regular basis. Most men would be pleased for such an appetite. However, I did say *most*.

Go easy on him. Not all men are wired to think of sex day and night. It is important, in fact crucial, for you to discuss your sex life with him and come to an agreement that works for the two of you.

Secondly, your self-esteem seems to be wrapped up quite tightly by how your fiance finds you physically. Then there is this awkward communication breakdown that seems to be a downward spiral for you both. You *need* to be able to communicate your feelings and desires at a deeper level and often. There are reasons why he speaks and reacts the way he does.

It is worrying though that he openly says he doesn't want to be with you anymore. Were they serious words? Again, you need to talk about why he says it and under what premise he comes to that conclusion.

Self-esteem is important to build, and I can only say it should be built outside the realms of what you see in the mirror.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Hi thank you for your reply.


As I said, he completely shuts down when I'm upset. He doesn't react, won't speak and will only nod. The best way to describe it is to say he turns into a walking ball of depression.

So when I'm upset, half crying, half pissed off, I ask him if he even wants to be with me and sometimes he'll say no and I'll instantly stop and be like..wait, what?

Then he takes it back once he isn't a walking ball of depression.

I can't help it with the sex thing. I feel like as a man, he should always want me and sadly, I keep score and it's driving me insane. Like, a bit ago we had sex everyday for like a week and half. We didn't have sex for two days and did yesterday and now he's sick and just went to bed so that pushed me to finally post about this.

I know I'm being neurotic..but I just want him to say he doesn't want me anymore and then I'll just walk away. Why put up with someone that only wants you half the time?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,074 Posts
The guy tells you he doesn't want to be with you any longer but "takes you back"? As in, gives in to you pleading to come back? Seriously, he shows you by his actions that you're not all that important. He tells you in his words that you're not important to him. It doesn't speak well of him that he works only part time while you're putting in your 40. They guy you give yourself to should make you feel better about yourself. He should make you feel like you are the most important being on earth to him. He should make you feel like you are more and can do more and are worth more than you'd ever thought possible. He should make you want to be your best. Is that what you have? You are 100%, exactly what someone needs and wants.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,625 Posts
So how frequently are you having sex? Everyday would be SWEEEET in my book; however, bear in mind that a healthy sex life does not have to occur daily. If he's having sex with you every other day then he is still well within the healthy sex life criteria. However, if you simply have to have it daily, then you may have to find a new man that will want to do that for you.

Now if your sex life is much less frequent than every other day, then you have a legitimate gripe. Regardless of the frequency, if its not up to your standards, chances are he will never satisfy you from a frequency standpoint. Once married, he may decrease it even further.

Bottom line is you need to have the talk with him about what he expects for a healthy sex life moving forward - just talk. No yelling from you and he cannot walk away to avoid the convo either. It must be discussed or it will remain the elephant in the room that neither of you will discuss.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,625 Posts
Hi thank you for your reply.


As I said, he completely shuts down when I'm upset. He doesn't react, won't speak and will only nod. The best way to describe it is to say he turns into a walking ball of depression.

So when I'm upset, half crying, half pissed off, I ask him if he even wants to be with me and sometimes he'll say no and I'll instantly stop and be like..wait, what?

Then he takes it back once he isn't a walking ball of depression.

I can't help it with the sex thing. I feel like as a man, he should always want me and sadly, I keep score and it's driving me insane. Like, a bit ago we had sex everyday for like a week and half. We didn't have sex for two days and did yesterday and now he's sick and just went to bed so that pushed me to finally post about this.

I know I'm being neurotic..but I just want him to say he doesn't want me anymore and then I'll just walk away. Why put up with someone that only wants you half the time?
Is part time work a recent development for him? If so, he may be depressed and not feeling like much of a man. As such, he may not feel that he's doing his manly duties as a provider and falling into depression. That could decrease his sex drive for sure.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I've tried asking him if everyday was too much- should I not expect it? Would every other day be okay?

Sadly, I NEED to know what to expect. It's the type of person I am.

However, he will only say that " it should be natural and not forced or timed or something, " and how can I argue with that?

It's logical but my way of being isn't so it's me that is built wrong.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Is part time work a recent development for him? If so, he may be depressed and not feeling like much of a man. As such, he may not feel that he's doing his manly duties as a provider and falling into depression. That could decrease his sex drive for sure.

We work at the same place. I'm a bit higher up and expecting a promotion soon. It's not work because he hates our work place and it's laughable to him.

He graduated a while ago and is working on getting certifications ( he wants to be a personal trainer ) to get a decentish job. He is very broke and I pay for alot of his things. I had to pay alot of money to postpone his certifications because he wasn't ready a few months back and interestingly enough, it was cheaper to do that then to retake.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
45,082 Posts
Crying and carrying on is a huge turn off. YOu might be driving him away.

He said tonight that he's sick. So now you feel rejected? He's sick... unless he's lying about it.


What else is not going well in your relationship?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 · (Edited)
This is the issue. The only issue we have and it seems positively huge and depressing.

I need to know how to get out of this mindset. Or perhaps he just truly does not want me and I am wasting my youth


I have this fear that we will become this sexless couple that lives in separate bedrooms, like his parents do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18 Posts
I have heard that guys like the hunt. Don't ignore him, but be involved with things other than him. If you are already, then be more involved and HAPPY. Guys love happy. (or so I'm told)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,291 Posts
I've tried asking him if everyday was too much- should I not expect it? Would every other day be okay?

Sadly, I NEED to know what to expect. It's the type of person I am.

However, he will only say that " it should be natural and not forced or timed or something, " and how can I argue with that?

It's logical but my way of being isn't so it's me that is built wrong.
Well you don't need to argue that but your sure do need to discuss it. If you two cannot talk about your expectations then you are headed for trouble.




This is the issue. The only issue we have and it seems positively huge and depressing.

I need to know how to get out of this mindset. Or perhaps he just truly does not want me and I am wasting my youth


I have this fear that we will become this sexless couple that lives in separate bedrooms, like his parents do.
Huge red flag for me. Take it from someone that did waste too many years on a man that was not a communicator or HD like I am. WHen I finally took a good look at his parents relationship it became clear to me why he was the way he was.

I would do some serious thinking on this relationship.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,104 Posts
I have this fear that we will become this sexless couple that lives in separate bedrooms, like his parents do.
I married a man like this and yes we did in fact end up sexless for longer than I'd like to admit. Looking to someones childhood will give you clues to how your marriage is going to look. Despite our best effort we ended up just like HIS parents and mine.

If I had to do over again I wouldn't have married him. I did in fact waste my youth on him.

That's the bad news now here's the good news. I believe that it wouldn't have mattered if didn't marry him because the problem was in me. I think the hole in my soul was too deep to fill with sex which was what I was trying to do.

What I didn't realize until I got into therapy was that I was in fact depressed and had anxiety. Oh and fear of abandonment, separation anxiety, low self esteem, codependency and a host of other mental problems that caused me to overreact to simple things like my husband not wanting sex with me every day. As I fixed ME the sex came back. :)

Turns out a depressed, angry, crying woman isn't very attractive. Imagine that.

**I'd still think long and hard before marrying this man though. Or at the very least wait until you are happier. Things usually get worse after marriage not better.**
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
45,082 Posts
If he has told you that he does not want to be with you, then you need to pay attention to what he said.

His actions are saying the same thing.

Did you cry and carry on when he told you that?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
295 Posts
You sound very needy in just your written word. What seems to be going on is you are really wondering how much he loves you and trying to validate it by parading a hot body in front of him. If he cannot resist you every time then you get the validation you are looking for. This is the wrong way to go about it and somehow you've come to believe that a hot body is the end all be all of male attraction. But te truth is that it is a blend of things from physical to mental to emotional. You need to in addition to fulfill his physical needs also his mental and emotional needs. Hopefully intellectually you guys mesh bit it seems for dang sure you arenkn two different emotional plains. Like others say, you need to show a little more confidence as guys really cannot stand (generally speaking) tears. Most of us have been raised to not know what the heck to do and feel more comfortable going away and coming back once the years are all blown over. So, how abut trying to tell realize that parading your body is not the answer and, that you should work on your own self esteem some more and build some confidence. If you do the right thing you should notice yourself not worrying anymore what he thinks. Btw, daily is an awful lot of sex. I am totally starved font and know that I could go five days straight bit sure I'd need a break after that ;)

Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,036 Posts
You have a healthy, high sex drive and wanting it every day, that's every guys dream.

I know a guys in his mid 20's at work and his girlfriend wants it every day and sometimes 2 - 4 times a day. If she doesn't get sex for say 3 days, she gets mad at him!!! And she is hot like yourself.

Maybe he is stressed out because he only works part time? Not providing for you? Maybe it's his work? Or maybe he just has a low sex drive which isn't normal for a guy in his 20's.


I would say, since you're not married, move on unless his sex drive increases to your needs. Don't marry him expecting him to change.......
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,733 Posts
Pretty,

It seems that you are a High drive and he's a Low drive

This will not change if you go forward with the marriage. Most likely it will get worse.

If you can't fix this issue before the marriage, call it off!

Consider yourself lucky enough to have realized this is an issue for you BEFORE you married him! Many who come here never realized this and attributed the low drive of their partner to factors such as stress from the job or planning the wedding itself.

Once he's working full time his desire will not go up!

Think long and hard about this relationship!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,811 Posts
After reading this thread, I have a few points:

Firstly, wanting sex everyday is awesome, and kudos to you. That said, not everyone wants sex everyday (even a mid-20's man) so expecting it everyday is asking a lot. I think the typical relationship is roughly twice a week. Maybe try something like 3-5 times a week and see how that goes?

Secondly, this thread seems to point out the catch 22 men can find themselves in. As a man, it's almost impossible to turn down sex much, if at all, or people start thinking there is a problem. I mean let's be honest, just because a man doesn't want sex EVERYDAY does not mean that there's something wrong with him or that he's not worthy of you. I myself have only turned down sex a handful of times in my life and each time I got grilled as to why, like me saying no to sex is sacreligous or something. Many men face the same dilemma, once in a while we just aren't in the mood. That doesn't mean we are suddenly impotent, our T-levels are gone, we are having an affair, we need to go on a diet, or we find our mates unattractive. It just means that from time to time, men can actually not be in the mood for sex.

Thirdly, I'm a little shocked at some of the responses from the women in this thread, advising the OP to leave her man do to his lower sex drive. Once again, I repeat, she is asking for sex every day. To put it in context, the average couple has sex roughly 100 times a year. She wants it 365 times a year, or 3.65 times the average. And because he is unwilling to go to that level, she should leave him?

If this was a man saying he wanted sex everyday and complaining that his wife doesn't seem to always do it, I doubt anyone would be saying to leave. It's a ridiculous double standard.

My advise to prettynothing is to simply evaluate the importance of sex in a relationship to you in terms of frequency. Do you really need it every day? If so, then leave, but I suspect that you don't need it daily. Very few people actually NEED sex daily.

If you elect to stay, I suspect you'll find that there are other issues at play here with your man. Firstly, there's the stress of getting a job and currently working part-time. For many men, there is actually an ego thing to having your partner earn more than you. That doesn't apply to me, but I know for many men it can be an ego blow to have their partner as the main income. Have you asked him if you making more money bugs him? It might and he might be distancing himself from you as a result unknowningly. This could explain the lack of sex.

Additionally, is there any other stress he's facing? Getting ready for these tests you mention to become a personal trainer? How are the finances? Any problems in the family? Marriage talk? Talk of kids? Anything else that could be causing stress?

I don't think that sex is the real root issue here, but rather a symptom. You may need to do some digging to get to the real issue.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Mavash.
1 - 20 of 35 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top