I have read your post and I'm asking myself why are you blaming yourself for his actions?
He is a mature man , married for quarter century.
The problem is with him, not you.
I Feel So Inadequate
Some times watching porn together can spice things up...right? But it's not the occasional dvd or stack of Penthouse...He goes to webcam sites EVERY TIME I LEAVE...School is once a week for 4 hours...when I'm walking my dog...you should see the sexy young skanks he's got for facebook friends...I could deal with it, except that it's hidden from me. I've tried getting my freak on with him...but he won't open up (the biggest request was for red hair). I'm not busty and glamorous,nor 20.
A GF of mine said ALL men are dogs that even the Pope would be given the opportunity. I defended him...we ended up having a friendly bet. I hooked her up at the same poker table on FB and she started chatting with him. The next nite he left for the hottub at our complex...he'd told her we were breaking up (I'd been informed already...Nope) and that I didn't like sex. She asked him if he wanted to meet for breakfast the next morning...he said, "You pick the coffee shop". She forwarded me every chat message, then friended me...I was gonna let him drive and get stood up, just to see what kind of lie he'd give me...but my heart was pounding and I was too impatient.
I was flabbergasted! I know affairs are symptomatic of something else...but if he's unhappy...It was that event that began my distrust which lead to my discovery of deleted chats,lately browsing of dating sites...etc..
The bottom line is Why am I not the one who turns him on? I GET IT that men are visual...but it hurts so bad...and we've talked about it. He said he still wants me here...I asked him if was absolutely positive.
He's been widowed 3 years after being married 25 years...I thought maybe he wasn't ready to move on...but his Google history reveals that he did the same 4 and 5 years ago. Also, we've known each other since high school.
A GF of mine said ALL men are dogs that even the Pope would be given the opportunity. I defended him...we ended up having a friendly bet. I hooked her up at the same poker table on FB and she started chatting with him. The next nite he left for the hottub at our complex...he'd told her we were breaking up (I'd been informed already...Nope) and that I didn't like sex. She asked him if he wanted to meet for breakfast the next morning...he said, "You pick the coffee shop". She forwarded me every chat message, then friended me...I was gonna let him drive and get stood up, just to see what kind of lie he'd give me...but my heart was pounding and I was too impatient.
I was flabbergasted! I know affairs are symptomatic of something else...but if he's unhappy...It was that event that began my distrust which lead to my discovery of deleted chats,lately browsing of dating sites...etc..
The bottom line is Why am I not the one who turns him on? I GET IT that men are visual...but it hurts so bad...and we've talked about it. He said he still wants me here...I asked him if was absolutely positive.
He's been widowed 3 years after being married 25 years...I thought maybe he wasn't ready to move on...but his Google history reveals that he did the same 4 and 5 years ago. Also, we've known each other since high school.
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He is a mature man , married for quarter century.
The problem is with him, not you.
He's a serial cheater. Wanting to meet your friend proves this.
My ex h did this same thing, yet he wanted our marriage to work. He wanted his cake and eat it too. I'm a one man woman and I need a one woman man. I left the day I had solid proof of cheating. The same exact thing happened to me with the friend.
You have solid proof! There's a lot more going on then just porn sites(my ex h was infatuated with them also). He's cheating on you in the sidelines. Personally I'd leave asap.
My ex h did this same thing, yet he wanted our marriage to work. He wanted his cake and eat it too. I'm a one man woman and I need a one woman man. I left the day I had solid proof of cheating. The same exact thing happened to me with the friend.
You have solid proof! There's a lot more going on then just porn sites(my ex h was infatuated with them also). He's cheating on you in the sidelines. Personally I'd leave asap.
With respect, he's full of sh*t, taking advantage of your kind nature, and you cannot go on like this.
It won't suddenly get better on its own. Draw a line in the sand.
It won't suddenly get better on its own. Draw a line in the sand.
No, no matter what your friend says, not all men are like this...
He is, however.
Posted via Mobile Device
He is, however.
Posted via Mobile Device
It's interesting how men like this always have women throwing themselves at them and have women who seem to get crazier about them when they find out he's a complete a*s.
The guy is a scum bag.
He couldn't care less. He'll never be satisfied with a woman.
He wants women. A different one every night.
Here is some advice:
Not all men are cut out for marriage, or even dating.
Start figuring out which ones are and aren't.
He couldn't care less. He'll never be satisfied with a woman.
He wants women. A different one every night.
Here is some advice:
Not all men are cut out for marriage, or even dating.
Start figuring out which ones are and aren't.
Your girlfriend is awesome. Ditch this guy and hang out with her. She makes an excellent wing woman. She can probably see you through all the difficult work of staying away from him.
You don't owe the guy any explanation to break up.
Just tell him you changed your mind, under no obligation.
The relationship is history, if he's not what you want, just move on.
You don't owe the guy any explanation to break up.
Just tell him you changed your mind, under no obligation.
The relationship is history, if he's not what you want, just move on.
The bottom line is Why am I not the one who turns him on? I GET IT that men are visual...but it hurts so bad...and we've talked about it. He said he still wants me here...I asked him if was absolutely positive.
Really?
That's the bottom-line.
Seems to me the bottom-line is more like:
What's the matter with me?
Why do live for the approval of this loser guy who disrespects me in so many ways?
Why do I enjoy staying in a relationship that "hurts so bad"?
Why can't I feel good about myself unless he does first?
"He said he still wants me here...I asked him if was absolutely positive"
^ And this bit just kills me.
BTW...please know...no guy is gonna respect you...if you have no problem with him disrespecting you. That's the way it works.
Because you think there's some major flaw within you, you think his behavior is justified.
You need to start figuring out what's at the root of your willingness to excuse his behavior....and then you'll finally be working on the RIGHT PROBLEM.
I agree with IndiaInk. You really need to know yourself and have more confidence, especially when dealing with intimate relationships...you seem to have the assumption that this guy is more normal and more mentally stable than you. You need to lose your assumption. Not sure where it came from.
Middle of the night, my boyfriend says to me, I don't love you and I'm not attracted to you. I said, okay, I will leave in the morning then. He got upset! Apparently he thought I would stay and help him with his problem. I told him later...I think you are depressed (no man I know has not ever told me that I don't have a hot body...lol...) I wasn't like, what's wrong with me. I said, you went off Zoloft, you have been smoking pot, your sleep schedule is toast, your life is sinking deeper and deeper into things you have to keep up with but can't. You have issues.
Sounds like your man likes the attention he gets by watching porn, you obviously try harder and harder. I agree, eventually he will lose respect for you, because you will do almost anything to keep him around. I used to be like that. Then I got a divorce and started only being in relationships where things are equal. If a man is attracted to me and then loses attraction, even though I'm the same person, and even more so because I've learned what he likes and honor his space and needs... then it's time to leave...not to up the ante and bend over backwards. A guy needs to manage his own attractions, it's not your job to be anyone other than who you are.
Middle of the night, my boyfriend says to me, I don't love you and I'm not attracted to you. I said, okay, I will leave in the morning then. He got upset! Apparently he thought I would stay and help him with his problem. I told him later...I think you are depressed (no man I know has not ever told me that I don't have a hot body...lol...) I wasn't like, what's wrong with me. I said, you went off Zoloft, you have been smoking pot, your sleep schedule is toast, your life is sinking deeper and deeper into things you have to keep up with but can't. You have issues.
Sounds like your man likes the attention he gets by watching porn, you obviously try harder and harder. I agree, eventually he will lose respect for you, because you will do almost anything to keep him around. I used to be like that. Then I got a divorce and started only being in relationships where things are equal. If a man is attracted to me and then loses attraction, even though I'm the same person, and even more so because I've learned what he likes and honor his space and needs... then it's time to leave...not to up the ante and bend over backwards. A guy needs to manage his own attractions, it's not your job to be anyone other than who you are.
A timeless truth...It's interesting how men like this always have women throwing themselves at them and have women who seem to get crazier about them when they find out he's a complete a*s.
Really?
That's the bottom-line.
Seems to me the bottom-line is more like:
What's the matter with me?
Why do live for the approval of this loser guy who disrespects me in so many ways?
Why do I enjoy staying in a relationship that "hurts so bad"?
Why can't I feel good about myself unless he does first?
"He said he still wants me here...I asked him if was absolutely positive"
^ And this bit just kills me.
BTW...please know...no guy is gonna respect you...if you have no problem with him disrespecting you. That's the way it works.
Because you think there's some major flaw within you, you think his behavior is justified.
You need to start figuring out what's at the root of your willingness to excuse his behavior....and then you'll finally be working on the RIGHT PROBLEM.
Aaaaaaaaand it's at this point an OP accepts the truth and/or never posts again...
This is a nice dose of reality.
Thank you all sooo much for validating what I already knew but just needed it driven in...especially IndiaInk...I am OUTTA HERE!!! I just need strength and a place to go where I can take my Shar Pei with me
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