[NeedHelpPlease]

I just found this site a few days ago and have been reading posts to kind of get the lay of the land. First I am so thankful a forum like this exists- I thought I was all alone.

I think I just need to vent more than anything. I am so upset and too embarrassed to tell my friends and family what is really going on.

My husband lost his job a little over a month ago- and it was a great job. I have always known he drinks I just never realized the extent. He has done a really good job hiding things and apparently is a terrific liar because I bought his stories hook line and sinker. His lies have recently begun unravelling.

He didn't get laid off- he was terminated for being under the influence at work- which he denied and at first said he just looked tired and maybe didn't brush his teeth that morning. That has evolved into: he drinks what he drinks in front of me but has a much bigger hidden drinking habit. He has been drinking out of hidden bottles at home, in the driveway before he comes in the house, even before work(and safety was a big deal at his job). On top of that he admits to regularly drinking and driving and that he drank secretly and then drove with me in the car.

I had noticed mood differences at times but I think I was just in denial. I am the unhappy recipient of thousands of dollars of medical bills (which I am stuck with since he doesn't work) from us trying to find out what was "wrong" with him. At one point I was physically sick believing he was having mini seizures or had MS. He let me go through all of that stress and worry knowing the entire time what the problem really was.

I am absolutely shattered. I don't know what to do- I feel like I am just frozen. I thought we were so happy and secure- and now that's all gone. I don't know if he can get another job. I don't think I can support us both financially. He has pulled this in the past- only I didn't know the extent of everything- I just knew he kept getting "laid off", and it was miserable. I have been the one to take the initiative and update his resume and get him every job he has had. I can't do it anymore so his resume is just sitting here staring back at me. I just can't. I'm too tired and I am too sad and I am too angry.

I don't trust him at all now- I won't even get in the vehicle if he is driving and I won't let him drive my car.

I just wish I knew what I could do to make this right or to rewind time and see everything sooner.

Sometimes he seems sorry. But I don't believe him. Yesterday I came home from working all day and I could tell he had already been drinking because of his breath. He got pissy and said it was just a beer. I checked my credit card statement today and turns out he used it at the liquor store yesterday. Now I have to take the credit card away. He is sleeping in until noon- six hours after I leave for work. I am fed up, but I also love him very much and don't want to lose my marriage. It almost feels like I am dealing with two different people.

Sorry for all the whining- I have absolutely nobody to talk to about this. I don't have a friend or family member within 12 hours of here and I don't think I could bear to tell anyone anyway. This is so hard. Thank you for letting me vent.

 

[the guy]

Until your H starts to feel some consequences, his bad behavior will continue. I know its time to show him the tough love he needs to face the reality and he most have the perception that you can and will leave this marriage.
The best way to show him how confident you are in letting him go is asking him to leave. Sure it sound over the top, but what better consequence then having to deal with the reality of losing you.

I guess you could try a nicer approach and ask him to get help for his issues, but nicing your way out of this kind of crap never really works, it just prolongs it.

 

[NeedHelpPlease]

Until your H starts to feel some consequences, his bad behavior will continue. I know its time to show him the tough love he needs to face the reality and he most have the perception that you can and will leave this marriage.
The best way to show him how confident you are in letting him go is asking him to leave. Sure it sound over the top, but what better consequence then having to deal with the reality of losing you.

I guess you could try a nicer approach and ask him to get help for his issues, but nicing your way out of this kind of crap never really works, it just prolongs it.

Last night I asked him to leave and to decide what he wanted out of our possessions- I actually told him take everything but the dogs. He said- "No". Today he acts like he doesn't remember the conversation. If I try to bring it back up he just says non-commital things like "right" and "okay". He says he'll go to AA if he finds a group he "likes" but I don't think he has even looked for one. He did make an appointment today to see a doctor about the issue and getting on a medication that makes him sick if he drinks. The problem is when he's drinking there is just no point in having a conversation. When he's sober he's the guy I love. If I push it, then he drinks and becomes the guy I didn't even know was in there.

I even thought of getting him a one way ticket to see his family and telling him not to come back until he has his crap together and the money to buy the return ticket. But I think that would make me a crappy wife. First I think I enabled this behavior and ultimate situation by not knowing how bad the problem was. I am a social drinker and would pick up a bottle of wine or whatever and bring it into the house. If I had known I would not have done that. I want to support him and help him so much. I want to be able to make it all better. I just have no idea where to start or what to do or what I can change about me that might make this easier.

 

[ItsGonnabeAlright]

For years I kept things from family and friends out of embarrassment until one day he really did it and the police called everyone in his phone! A strip club called the police on his drunk ass for being belligerent or something and the cops called everyone at 5am. I could no longer cover stuff up. I also called his mother since the cops had called her..Ud think she would call me to ask what happened, instead when I explained it to her, she said..."That's fine, just let him sleep it off." The apple does not fall far from the tree in that family!

I sort of felt sorry for him, even though I have been the victim of so much of his crap. and I have run out of patience. I have given him years of my life and I don't want to be anyone's babysitter. I am only 27, He is 30.

I dont think that what you are doing is whining. Since I discovered this site I have posted a bunch of things because It helps to know that I am not crazy. For years, I thought there was something wrong with me, or that I am crazy.
In my house I have the same issue too, he will only admit to the things I have proof of.

I too live nowhere near people I know. We moved to this town bc his family lives around here. I lived elsewhere and let me tell you, it's not easy. He used it to his advantage many times.

 

[NeedHelpPlease]

For years I kept things from family and friends out of embarrassment until one day he really did it and the police called everyone in his phone! A strip club called the police on his drunk ass for being belligerent or something and the cops called everyone at 5am. I could no longer cover stuff up. I also called his mother since the cops had called her..Ud think she would call me to ask what happened, instead when I explained it to her, she said..."That's fine, just let him sleep it off." The apple does not fall far from the tree in that family!

I sort of felt sorry for him, even though I have been the victim of so much of his crap. and I have run out of patience. I have given him years of my life and I don't want to be anyone's babysitter. I am only 27, He is 30.

I dont think that what you are doing is whining. Since I discovered this site I have posted a bunch of things because It helps to know that I am not crazy. For years, I thought there was something wrong with me, or that I am crazy.
In my house I have the same issue too, he will only admit to the things I have proof of.

I too live nowhere near people I know. We moved to this town bc his family lives around here. I lived elsewhere and let me tell you, it's not easy. He used it to his advantage many times.

Wow- I am sending positive thoughts your way. At least my H and I are both away from our families so there is no ganging up. Not that anything here is funny- but when I read about his family saying just let him sleep it off after the cops got him it made me grin a little because that is exactly what my inlaws would have said. I think I never realized before how much a family and a family attitude really molds a person and warps their sense of right and wrong.

Right now I am more upset about my husband losing his job than he is- and not only because of the money. He had a job that was perfect geographically and it was a great company with great benefits. He's just like-hey what's the biggie I'll get another job. But I know it will be a crappy job with no benefits and not a forever job that he enjoys.

 

[T&T]

Last night I asked him to leave and to decide what he wanted out of our possessions- I actually told him take everything but the dogs. He said- "No". Today he acts like he doesn't remember the conversation. If I try to bring it back up he just says non-commital things like "right" and "okay". He says he'll go to AA if he finds a group he "likes" but I don't think he has even looked for one. He did make an appointment today to see a doctor about the issue and getting on a medication that makes him sick if he drinks. The problem is when he's drinking there is just no point in having a conversation. When he's sober he's the guy I love. If I push it, then he drinks and becomes the guy I didn't even know was in there.

I even thought of getting him a one way ticket to see his family and telling him not to come back until he has his crap together and the money to buy the return ticket. But I think that would make me a crappy wife. First I think I enabled this behavior and ultimate situation by not knowing how bad the problem was. I am a social drinker and would pick up a bottle of wine or whatever and bring it into the house. If I had known I would not have done that. I want to support him and help him so much. I want to be able to make it all better. I just have no idea where to start or what to do or what I can change about me that might make this easier.

Hi there,

I drank really heavily for a period of about 5 years. I'm not going to call myself an addict, an alcoholic or certainly not diseased. I don't believe that is a disease. That's a cop out IMO and allows the drinker an excuse. I still drink, but learned to do it in moderation. That is not an easy task and is not for everybody. Years of AA and counseling did not work for me.

Controlled Drinking: Controversial Alternative to AA | LiveScience

Don't ever think that YOU are doing something wrong. Don't blame yourself for anything at all. You did not enable him by bringing alcohol into the house. It's absolutely his fault, his problem and his issue to get over. He knows it too. To this day, I have no idea why I drank like that. The only thing I can think of is that I was self medicating thinking I was reducing stress. In reality, it caused me more. Much much more. My poor wife. She went through hell and back.

A few suggestions,

-Put your foot down and tell him to quit or it's over. It got my attention in a hurry! I think the one way ticket is a good idea providing that his family aren't drinkers.

-If you choose to have him stay, go with him to the meetings/appointments. It's eye opening and you want to make sure he attends.

-Don't ever talk to him when he's drunk. Drunks can be very unpredictable and he won't remember anyways.

-If you can get him to commit, get rid of every drop of booze in the house. It's just too easy to fall down if it's right in front of your face.

Do you have any idea how much he's drinking? The withdrawal symptoms can be very serious and he may need to go into a treatment center. Do you know how long he's been doing this?

Best,

T

 

[NeedHelpPlease]

Hi there,

I drank really heavily for a period of about 5 years. I'm not going to call myself an addict, an alcoholic or certainly not diseased. I don't believe that is a disease. That's a cop out IMO and allows the drinker an excuse. I still drink, but learned to do it in moderation. That is not an easy task and is not for everybody. Years of AA and counseling did not work for me.

Controlled Drinking: Controversial Alternative to AA | LiveScience

Don't ever think that YOU are doing something wrong. Don't blame yourself for anything at all. You did not enable him by bringing alcohol into the house. It's absolutely his fault, his problem and his issue to get over. He knows it too. To this day, I have no idea why I drank like that. The only thing I can think of is that I was self medicating thinking I was reducing stress. In reality, it caused me more. Much much more. My poor wife. She went through hell and back.

A few suggestions,

-Put your foot down and tell him to quit or it's over. It got my attention in a hurry! I think the one way ticket is a good idea providing that his family aren't drinkers.

-If you choose to have him stay, go with him to the meetings/appointments. It's eye opening and you want to make sure he attends.

-Don't ever talk to him when he's drunk. Drunks can be very unpredictable and he won't remember anyways.

-If you can get him to commit, get rid of every drop of booze in the house. It's just too easy to fall down if it's right in front of your face.

Do you have any idea how much he's drinking? The withdrawal symptoms can be very serious and he may need to go into a treatment center. Do you know how long he's been doing this?

Best,

T

Thank you- this is all great information. Especially the part about not talking to him when he's drunk. We just fight and I get sad and upset and I do remember everything that was said and will continue to be hurt by it while he gets a clean slate of memory every morning.

Here's the thing about the amount he is drinking- I don't have any idea. I knew he was drinking a lot- probably five shots and the equivalent of a bottle of wine every night. But he's been hiding bottles from me of liquor so I really don't know how much. I know it's a lot. The signs were all there and I have been believing every one of his lies. He normally can't lie to save his life- but with me he has it down pat. I think he's been sneaking more shots at night and on weekend days. Now I have found out that he's been drinking during the day- not just weekends. He says it's only a half a glass of wine to get him going- but I can't let myself believe that because everything else is so warped. I actually thought for a while he had some neurological disorder because he would seem out of it or not quite right- now I think he had actually been sneaking drinks during those times.

Right now he's in that sorry stage- but I know if I just shrug it off we will be right back to square one- and now knowing how bad it is I can't watch someone I love do this physically to their own body.

He has never been violent or anything- except he had really bad dreams when he got back from Iraq. But a few weeks ago I stormed out over an argument while he was drinking and he busted up his hand punching a wall.

He is saying "I know I have to do something" and "I need help" (but I am the only one actually pushing us in that direction). I have finally told him yes he does need to make a change and he does need to get help because it's either that or the marriage is done. I love him so much but I can't sit by anymore and watch this behavior chip away at what was once a beautiful loving relationship. Sorry for whining and venting some more- this is the first time I have actually been able to express all of this and there is a ton of it stuffed deep down inside my soul.

 

[T&T]

Thank you- this is all great information. Especially the part about not talking to him when he's drunk. We just fight and I get sad and upset and I do remember everything that was said and will continue to be hurt by it while he gets a clean slate of memory every morning.

Here's the thing about the amount he is drinking- I don't have any idea. I knew he was drinking a lot- probably five shots and the equivalent of a bottle of wine every night. But he's been hiding bottles from me of liquor so I really don't know how much. I know it's a lot. The signs were all there and I have been believing every one of his lies. He normally can't lie to save his life- but with me he has it down pat. I think he's been sneaking more shots at night and on weekend days. Now I have found out that he's been drinking during the day- not just weekends. He says it's only a half a glass of wine to get him going- but I can't let myself believe that because everything else is so warped. I actually thought for a while he had some neurological disorder because he would seem out of it or not quite right- now I think he had actually been sneaking drinks during those times.

Right now he's in that sorry stage- but I know if I just shrug it off we will be right back to square one- and now knowing how bad it is I can't watch someone I love do this physically to their own body.

He has never been violent or anything- except he had really bad dreams when he got back from Iraq. But a few weeks ago I stormed out over an argument while he was drinking and he busted up his hand punching a wall.

He is saying "I know I have to do something" and "I need help" (but I am the only one actually pushing us in that direction). I have finally told him yes he does need to make a change and he does need to get help because it's either that or the marriage is done. I love him so much but I can't sit by anymore and watch this behavior chip away at what was once a beautiful loving relationship. Sorry for whining and venting some more- this is the first time I have actually been able to express all of this and there is a ton of it stuffed deep down inside my soul.

First of all, you are not whining. Don't ever think that. I was on the giving end and my wife was the victim during all of this. If he's drinking that heavily, I would take him to rehab. They know what to do when the withdrawals kick in. If they get bad enough, he will be hospitalized for a short time. I think that's what stops me from ever crossing that line again. They were horrible! That and I don't want to loose my marriage over something so stupid. Punching a wall is the first sign of violence. Avoid talking to him at all or getting into any major discussions. Boy, this is bringing back some ugly memories. The ones I CAN remember anyways...

You could look into a local rehab center and see what you can find. You could get him in the car one day and drop him off. Don't tell him where you're going. Tell him how much you love him and want him better, when you get there. Reassure him that it's only 7-10 days. Some are 30 though. It may work or may not, but will def send him a message about how serious you are. Do it in the morning. That's when drunks are most vulnerable AND half assed sober. The sorry stage is the perfect time to do this. At least he is still having regrets. It was my wife that finally opened my eyes. I don't know how long I would have gone on if it wasn't for her.

Best,

T

 

[NeedHelpPlease]

First of all, you are not whining. Don't ever think that. I was on the giving end and my wife was the victim during all of this. If he's drinking that heavily, I would take him to rehab. They know what to do when the withdrawals kick in. If they get bad enough, he will be hospitalized for a short time. I think that's what stops me from ever crossing that line again. They were horrible! That and I don't want to loose my marriage over something so stupid. Punching a wall is the first sign of violence. Avoid talking to him at all or getting into any major discussions. Boy, this is bringing back some ugly memories. The ones I CAN remember anyways...

You could look into a local rehab center and see what you can find. You could get him in the car one day and drop him off. Don't tell him where you're going. Tell him how much you love him and want him better, when you get there. Reassure him that it's only 7-10 days. Some are 30 though. It may work or may not, but will def send him a message about how serious you are. Do it in the morning. That's when drunks are most vulnerable AND half assed sober. The sorry stage is the perfect time to do this. At least he is still having regrets. It was my wife that finally opened my eyes. I don't know how long I would have gone on if it wasn't for her.

Best,

T

Wow- this is really opening my eyes. I had no idea he would have to go to inhouse rehab. I thought he could take the alcohol makes him sick pill and go to counselling. I guess we will know more on Monday. I am going to take your advice and physically go with him to the Dr.

 

[T&T]

Wow- this is really opening my eyes. I had no idea he would have to go to inhouse rehab. I thought he could take the alcohol makes him sick pill and go to counselling. I guess we will know more on Monday. I am going to take your advice and physically go with him to the Dr.

It all depends on how much and how long he's been drinking. The switch from wine to hiding hard liquor tells me that it's been a while...He could also lie and put himself into a bad situation. IMO rehab is the safest way to get off of it. The withdrawal can be brutal. Curled up in a ball for 3 days, puking, shaking like a leaf and hearing things was not fun...Rehab will give him what he needs. Let us know how it goes and best of luck to both of you!

EDIT Here's a link for both of you to see what will/could happen when getting off of it. He should read this too. It's very important for him to be honest about how much and how long he's been at it.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001769/

 

[NeedHelpPlease]

It all depends on how much and how long he's been drinking. The switch from whine to hiding hard liquor tells me that it's been a while...He could also lie and put himself into a bad situation. IMO rehab is the safest way to get off of it. The withdrawal can be brutal. Curled up in a ball for 3 days, puking, shaking like a leaf and hearing things was not fun...Rehab will give him what he needs. Let us know how it goes and best of luck to both of you!

EDIT Here's a link for both of you to see what will/could happen when getting off of it. He should read this too. It's very important for him to be honest about how much and how long he's been at it.

Alcohol withdrawal - PubMed Health

Posted via Mobile Device

 

[NeedHelpPlease]

It all depends on how much and how long he's been drinking. The switch from whine to hiding hard liquor tells me that it's been a while...He could also lie and put himself into a bad situation. IMO rehab is the safest way to get off of it. The withdrawal can be brutal. Curled up in a ball for 3 days, puking, shaking like a leaf and hearing things was not fun...Rehab will give him what he needs. Let us know how it goes and best of luck to both of you!


Thank you again!!! I have been sharing a lot of this with H and he seems to finally start to see the light. He knows finally this is not going away this time. He is still lying to me but now I am calling him out in a non confrontational way every single time. He has also finally understood how serious I am in that he is asking if we will be ok if he goes with treatment. I told him I wasn't trying to be mean but I don't know and that is not the number one priority anymore. And he getting a job is not the number one priority. He getting treatment and us both changing our lifestyle and getting healthy individually is first. We will deal with the rest if we can both get to a healthy clear headed responsible place. We may not even know each other at that point and I don't know how we will be. I pray we can work us out, but we need to both be healthy before then.

For the longest time he and I have both blamed me for being an enabler so I need to get my head on straight too.

I am trying to hold it in but I have passed from frozen and stunned to really angry. I keep replaying all the lies and the damage. Damn- I say no violence but a year ago he had been "laid off" and all I wanted him to do was meet the plumber. He got so trashed that I had to come home early to meet the plumber. H met me at the top of the steps trashed with a hunting knife out pointed at my throat. How freakin stupid am I???? I am sooo mad. But I am more angry with myself than anything.

EDIT Here's a link for both of you to see what will/could happen when getting off of it. He should read this too. It's very important for him to be honest about how much and how long he's been at it.

Alcohol withdrawal - PubMed Health

Posted via Mobile Device

 

[T&T]

Nothing will change this weekend. It takes time... I'd wait until you both see the Doctor. Whatever you do, don't get into an argument over this while he's drinking. In time hun...

Best,

T

 

[NeedHelpPlease]

Nothing will change this weekend. It takes time... I'd wait until you both see the Doctor. Whatever you do, don't get into an argument over this while he's drinking. In time hun...

Best,

T

Thank you so much again. I know I am posting too much. But we just now tried to have a discussion and he is ripped. He got so mad when I said we have to focus on each of us first and then see where we go. I tried to explain the thing with the knife and punching the wall. And I am trying so very hard to sound calm and not accusing and saying it is my fault too. He waivers between fake tears and then getting really mad at me. He is really mad right now because he keeps saying he loves me and asking if I believe him. And frankly I don't. I think he loves my income and my security net for him. I think he is mad because I frankly said that and I told him I love him for him. Truth be told I don't need him for his income. But I do love him. I am starting to see what a complete idiot I have been. I will pay for his rehab but at the end I don't know if we will have us anymore.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[T&T]

But we just now tried to have a discussion and he is ripped.

Your welcome,

I can't emphasis enough, don't talk to him when he's ripped, pissed, drunk or trashed. Leave it be for now PLEASE. As I said before, drunks are unpredictable and can be violent! He's got the point. Leave him be for now. This is huge for him!

In the morning remind him about the appointment on Monday and leave it alone for the rest of the day and night. . It doesn't matter if he gets trashed tomorrow. He probably will! Drag his a** to that appointment on Monday. Better yet, rehab.

Best of luck to you guys!

T

 

[NeedHelpPlease]

Your welcome,

I can't emphasis enough, don't talk to him when he's ripped, pissed, drunk or trashed. Leave it be for now PLEASE. As I said before, drunks are unpredictable and can be violent! He's got the point. Leave him be for now. This is huge for him!

In the morning remind him about the appointment on Monday and leave it alone for the rest of the day and night. . It doesn't matter if he gets trashed tomorrow. He probably will! Drag his a** to that appointment on Monday. Better yet, rehab.

Best of luck to you guys!

T

Thank you for being on here with me. I feel like I a in a living Hell right now. I just keep thinking of the Rodney Adkins song about walking through hell and doing it quickly and quietly before the Devil even knows you are there. I have gone through years of this crud and never realized what it was. He is being so passive aggressive. I have a very nasty dirty habit of smoking two cigs a night. All of a sudden he has smoked or thrown them out. He's saying he will walk or bike the mile to the store to get more to prove his love for me. Hell he can't even walk five feet straight and I don't need anything that bad. But who the hell throws out your two smokes just to be a drunken hero? Really????? And I was way before he and I met a two pack a day smoker. I just wanted one tonight and he thinks riding or walking a mile drunk will win me back and he can avoid rehab.

He can avoid rehab because that's all up to him. And smoking is gross and I can skip that. I am firmly into mad. Is that normal?
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[NeedHelpPlease]

Today we went an event we had planned for months. I was driving of course now. He tried to pick a fight over of all things lines in the road and passing. At first I bit but then I realized he wasn't just being a jerk he'd been drinking this morning. I called him out on drinking and he finally admitted he was drinking this morning. After he promised over and over he would change and get help. Then he yelled at me for being a nag. I am over waiting for him to get help. I am just over it.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[EleGirl]

I really don't have anything to add. You are getting very good advice.

Just want to let you know that I'm reading your posts and here to support you.

(((((((HUGS)))))))

 

[T&T]

Today we went an event we had planned for months. I was driving of course now. He tried to pick a fight over of all things lines in the road and passing. At first I bit but then I realized he wasn't just being a jerk he'd been drinking this morning. I called him out on drinking and he finally admitted he was drinking this morning. After he promised over and over he would change and get help. Then he yelled at me for being a nag. I am over waiting for him to get help. I am just over it.
Posted via Mobile Device

I know you're frustrated and angry, but I don't understand why you think he's going to change overnight. It's not going to happen until he see's a professional. Has it occurred to you that he can't stop even if he had all the best intentions in the world? If he is severely addicted he will need medical attention to get off of it. He's drinking in the morning and this is a sign of being severely addicted. There are many different levels of addiction. Drinking a 6 pack every night is addiction and may not require professional help to get off of it. Drinking a 6 pack before noon and another dozen throughout the day is an entirely different level of addiction...

Best,

T

 

[NeedHelpPlease]

I know you're frustrated and angry, but I don't understand why you think he's going to change overnight. It's not going to happen until he see's a professional. Has it occurred to you that he can't stop even if he had all the best intentions in the world? If he is severely addicted he will need medical attention to get off of it. He's drinking in the morning and this is a sign of being severely addicted. There are many different levels of addiction. Drinking a 6 pack every night is addiction and may not require professional help to get off of it. Drinking a 6 pack before noon and another dozen throughout the day is an entirely different level of addiction...

Best,

T

Posted via Mobile Device