Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 18 of 18 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I am a 36 years old married to my husband whom I dated for 5 months. We have 2 kids. My husband is a very lazy person who sleeps most of the days, doesn’t want to help me in anything or appreciate what I do. He wants all his needs to be met but never asks or do what I need! I feel lonely most of the time because he doesn’t want to do anything with me. I feel like he has most of the narcissistic behaviors. I am not working currently and he works part time with a flexible schedule. Even though I asked him to work more hours he is not willing. I have a degree and I can bring more money but he is not willing to fix his schedule and I don’t want to take my kids to daycare especially at this time!

I tried to tell people around me and they said it’s not the right time to divorce. My question is when is the right time to divorce? We are not happy with each other and he doesn’t want to do counseling.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
75 Posts
Do you have family near by that can help you? Or his family?
To be frank, the time to get on your feet and out on your own is now. I'm in a similar boat with wanting out, but need to get a few extra paychecks under my belt before I pull the trigger.
You and the kiddos deserve better.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
740 Posts
Get out of this relationship NOW before you start making more money than him (you'll divorce eventually, guaranteed) and you have to pay him spousal support.

Be smart and proactive. Don't say anything at all to him, you already had. Just hit him when he least suspects it with the divorce papers.

He's not going to change. You cannot change him. Only himself can do that. He's not willing; why?...because he already has a mammi, a maid, and sex, so why would he wants to change when he already has it made?
Only you can change by taken the neccessary actions to get you out of this unequal relationship.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,716 Posts
Part of the problem with staying is that you are showing your kids what a married/LT relationship looks like. Do you want them to learn THIS from the both of you? Do you want your kids to accept a spouse who would do this and act like this with you? Even if you don't D, get with a few lawyers with your information to see what the process and future would look like in terms of child support/custody, finances, living locations, etc.. That may help you make up your mind...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
Get out of this relationship NOW before you start making more money than him (you'll divorce eventually, guaranteed) and you have to pay him spousal support.

Be smart and proactive. Don't say anything at all to him, you already had. Just hit him when he least suspects it with the divorce papers.

He's not going to change. You cannot change him. Only himself can do that. He's not willing; why?...because he already has a mammi, a maid, and sex, so why would he wants to change when he already has it made?
Only you can change by taken the neccessary actions to get you out of this unequal relationship.
So I was thinking to start working and leave. Is that going to affect me financially? Will I be paying him alimony even I’m taking care of the both kids?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
740 Posts
You must find legal advice that is specifically for your situation in the area where you live to know the exact ramifications of any decision you'd make. normally when there's no incapacitation, if you are working and he's not, depending where you are there will be a period of support. Only a lawyer can tell you how that would be. YOU must start from this moment logging in all documentation were you show that not only you are the main breadwinner, but that you are also the primary caretaker of your children. A lawyer can directly guide you as to how specifically achieve that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
740 Posts
remember: you do have free legal advice help in the town/county were you live. Seek it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
435 Posts
I am a 36 years old married to my husband whom I dated for 5 months. We have 2 kids. My husband is a very lazy person who sleeps most of the days, doesn’t want to help me in anything or appreciate what I do. He wants all his needs to be met but never asks or do what I need! I feel lonely most of the time because he doesn’t want to do anything with me. I feel like he has most of the narcissistic behaviors. I am not working currently and he works part time with a flexible schedule. Even though I asked him to work more hours he is not willing. I have a degree and I can bring more money but he is not willing to fix his schedule and I don’t want to take my kids to daycare especially at this time!

I tried to tell people around me and they said it’s not the right time to divorce. My question is when is the right time to divorce? We are not happy with each other and he doesn’t want to do counseling.
Hey, sorry to hear about your situation.
Was he like this when you were dating? Probably not, if he is narcissistic, he probably lovebombed you in the beginning. Did he rush the marriage, I mean 5 months of dating and then marrying is pretty quick? The people you've told about the desire for divorce might mean it's not the right time because of the COVID perhaps, that may make things challenging. Seek legal advice, not sure about the alimony situation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
Hey, sorry to hear about your situation.
Was he like this when you were dating? Probably not, if he is narcissistic, he probably lovebombed you in the beginning. Did he rush the marriage, I mean 5 months of dating and then marrying is pretty quick? The people you've told about the desire for divorce might mean it's not the right time because of the COVID perhaps, that may make things challenging. Seek legal advice, not sure about the alimony situation.
He was totally a different person when we were dating and the at beginning of marriage. He treated me like a queen. He acted like a hardworking man with 2 jobs . And yes he rushed the marriage. After 2nd year of marriage nothing was the same. I was working full time and doing everything in the house. I started telling him he needs to change his habits. I have been trying to fix this relationship ever since!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
634 Posts
I am a 36 years old married to my husband whom I dated for 5 months. We have 2 kids. My husband is a very lazy person who sleeps most of the days, doesn’t want to help me in anything or appreciate what I do. He wants all his needs to be met but never asks or do what I need! I feel lonely most of the time because he doesn’t want to do anything with me. I feel like he has most of the narcissistic behaviors. I am not working currently and he works part time with a flexible schedule. Even though I asked him to work more hours he is not willing. I have a degree and I can bring more money but he is not willing to fix his schedule and I don’t want to take my kids to daycare especially at this time!

I tried to tell people around me and they said it’s not the right time to divorce. My question is when is the right time to divorce? We are not happy with each other and he doesn’t want to do counseling.
It's not up to them. It's up to you. If now is your time, now is your time. You have support here on TAM if that time is now!!!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,099 Posts
What is the basis for your friends/family advice that now is not the time?

Did you tell them what you told us here?

You cannot fix a relationship that the other isn’t interested in changing. Any effort beyond that point is a waste of time, and you get only so much time in your life and then it over.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Meandmyself

·
Registered
Joined
·
435 Posts
He was totally a different person when we were dating and the at beginning of marriage. He treated me like a queen. He acted like a hardworking man with 2 jobs . And yes he rushed the marriage. After 2nd year of marriage nothing was the same. I was working full time and doing everything in the house. I started telling him he needs to change his habits. I have been trying to fix this relationship ever since!
Yeah, it seems like he didn't want you to see the real him. Especially the rushing part. Amazing how they can keep up the show for that amount of time and then divert back to who they actually are. I would say, stop trying to meet his needs. Focus on your kids, and focus on YOURSELF (this is extremely important.) Don't do his laundry, folding clothes, etc etc. Do you think you want a divorce? And how do you know he is not happy with you (you alluded to the fact that you aren't happy with each other). Has he said so?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,483 Posts
I tried to tell people around me and they said it’s not the right time to divorce. My question is when is the right time to divorce? We are not happy with each other and he doesn’t want to do counseling.
Other people don't have to live with him and don't have to live your life so their so called opinions don't really matter.

The best metric I have been able to come across on when to leave is from the old newspaper advice columnist Ann Landers. When people would ask her if they should stay or go, her answer was always - "are you better off with him/her or on your own?"

If you can answer that question yourself based on how things are and not how you wish them to be or even what you think they can be - then you have your answer.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,456 Posts
I am a 36 years old married to my husband whom I dated for 5 months. We have 2 kids. My husband is a very lazy person who sleeps most of the days, doesn’t want to help me in anything or appreciate what I do. He wants all his needs to be met but never asks or do what I need! I feel lonely most of the time because he doesn’t want to do anything with me. I feel like he has most of the narcissistic behaviors. I am not working currently and he works part time with a flexible schedule. Even though I asked him to work more hours he is not willing. I have a degree and I can bring more money but he is not willing to fix his schedule and I don’t want to take my kids to daycare especially at this time!

I tried to tell people around me and they said it’s not the right time to divorce. My question is when is the right time to divorce? We are not happy with each other and he doesn’t want to do counseling.
Good a time as any. That way, whether he wanted to or not, he would have joint custody and it would be his responsibility to take care of kids 3 and half days a week so you could work and his problems about taking time off or schedule are HIS problems. You do not have to consider whether he feels he has time to make for the kids or not, because the Court will insist that he does.

Joint custody is normal. Lots of times it forces a person to do their part whether they have been or not and evens things out. So I'd say good a time as any. Yes, they may end up in daycare or he may lean on his mom, but it will be just for his time. He'll be responsible for it his half of the time and you can do what you want your half. Plus you'll have some leisure time.

I think you should go back to work because a lot of times it gives you back some power. I have a friend whose husband wouldn't do anything and didn't want her to work because he knew it gave him all the power. She eventually did anyway and it restored a balance in their home and he had to help some and knew if she got fed up, she could and would divorce his ass. Sounds like this isn't going to work out though and might as well get it over with. The kids will still see their dad plenty. They will still have a dad, and quite possibly more of one than if you stayed married and were doing it all.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
634 Posts
The sleeping all day part makes me think he is depressed or has a depression problem. Does he have anything like that or has he had problems like that in the past?
 
1 - 18 of 18 Posts
Top