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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I could really use some advice.

I am 28 years old and my wife is 26. We have been married almost 8 years and together 9. We have 3 beautiful daughters together that we both love and cherish. My wife is a stay at home mother and does some babysitting as well. I work outside of them home and this is how it has been our entire marriage.

I love my wife very much or at least who she used to be. She used to be funny, sweet, kind, understanding and loving to everyone. She is very outgoing and can hold a conversation with anyone. She has always been a wonderful mother to our girls until recently.

Our marriage has seen its fair share of problems before now. From financial struggles to the both of us having emotional affairs in the past. We have been able to work through our problems and always come out better on the other side.

This past year has been very rough. In may we moved and my aunt, who I was very close to passed away very suddenly. Our family dog passed in the early summer as well. About 4 months ago my wife started spending time away from home and hanging out with old high school friends. At the same time she expressed to me that she was unhappy in our marriage but refused to work on things. She started becoming distant from me, our daughters, her family, my family and old friends. She began consuming herself with her social life. I tried to get her to open up bit the harder I would try the more she would pull away. Finally she told me that she wanted her independence and didn't want to have to answer to anyone anymore. Soon after this she told me that she was not in lobe with me anymore. I was blown away, became emotional and angry. Asked if there was another man and she denied it.

At this point I decided to sit back and observe. She became more distant her actions more selfish. She also started making mistakes. About two weeks ago I confronted her with a reasonable amount of evidence. She admitted to me that she had been having an emotional and sexual affair with another man. She said that she has developed feelings for him and that she never intended for this to happen. I reacted like a typical man and became very angry and had an outburst, made her leave and so on. She dis come back later that night and I was able to get more details out of her.

I exposed the affair to close family members on both sides. Told her that either she breaks it off I'm the girls and I are gone. I also confronted her "boyfriend" via the phone very civilly and told him to back off and he apologized and agreed.

My wife says that she has ended things. She doesn't go out anymor either. However she days that she still doesn't love me and that she wants a divorce. She seems to have sense of urgency. Looking for a job outside of the home, looking for an apartment and telling me that she will agree to anything I want when it comes to the divorce. She has also set a target move out date of the first of the year.

She shows no remorse and has become a completely different woman. I lobe my wife and would like nothing more than to identify our problems and began working toward reconciliation but I can't seem to reason with her or get the truth from her.

I could really use some help here.

Thanks for reading.
 

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Give her the divorce. Tell her you want 100% custody. That way she can have her freedom right? Start the 180 (search for it on this site). After you have a settlement exposé her and OM far and wide.
 

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She shows no remorse but she agreed to break it off with this other guy? Hmmm... my guess is she is still seeing this guy. Is the guy single or is he married? If married, rat him out to his wife. You could still try to find out who is parents are and rat him out to them. But the bottom line is if you can get 100% custody of your kids - do it. Get it in writing in a legally binding agreement. If that doesn't get her to come back to you on hands and knees, then nothing will. If you get your kids 100%, then make sure that your wife becomes dead to you after the divorce.
 

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Who is the OM ? Is he married ?

How come you are forcing her back into the relationship ? This doesn't work. She made her choice, she had her fun. Guilting her back into relationship will never work. Detach and offer a divorce. If she wants the marriage, she will win you back.


Tell us a bit about other emotional affairs in your marriage
 

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If she'll really give you anything to make the divorce happen, take her for all you can, ASAP before she talks to a lawyer. Get it all, now while the gettin's good. If she comes to her senses and you feel pity for her, you can marry her again later. With a prenup.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
The OM is single and I agree that she is still involved with him. I plan on making the affair public to friends starting tomorrow. As for getting full custody I don't know if she will go for that once it comes down to signing papers.

Does anyone know if I could use her affair and neglect against her in court?
 

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Try for full custody. Say she told you she wanted her freedom and you are respecting her wishes. Hold off a little on exposing while you try to rush the d papers past her.

Forget about being the victim in court. That's a losing arguementfor men.
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She is gone long ago, and I think you have waited longer than required. She is more likely to move in with OM. It is pathetic to see her neglecting her family, kids which she gave birth. It is uncommon to see women do that. When exposed, most of the women come out of fog, and start repairing thing. Unfortunate you have this wife.

What did her family members say about her affair?

As Sandc said, ask for custody of your kids.

Others will advise you about how could use her affair in the court.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
It is very sad.

Her family is disgusted by her behavior as is mine. Her parents told her that they wanted nothing to do with her unless she changed. This actually brings me to where I am now. She hasn' t gone out I'm a couple of weeks and I have no evidence of contact with OM but she still wants the divorce, her thoughts are not rational and she seems to have a strong sense of urgency to get her ducks in a row. She says that she would like us to be able to be friends for the kids. She has also mentioned that maybe not being with me will make her realize what she has in me. I feel like she is being very manipulative and is playing head games.
 

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It is very sad.

Her family is disgusted by her behavior as is mine. Her parents told her that they wanted nothing to do with her unless she changed. This actually brings me to where I am now. She hasn' t gone out I'm a couple of weeks and I have no evidence of contact with OM but she still wants the divorce, her thoughts are not rational and she seems to have a strong sense of urgency to get her ducks in a row. She says that she would like us to be able to be friends for the kids. She has also mentioned that maybe not being with me will make her realize what she has in me. I feel like she is being very manipulative and is playing head games.
This is not uncommon. It is in fact following the cheaters script to the tee. She is keeping her backup options open in case the guy doesn't work out...She will pursue the relationship with this guy(Read "f*ck his brains out") and will try her hardest to make it work, but will come back to if it fails. her family is right. She is only with you because she has few other options. She is still contacting this. If she needs to miss you to realize your value, you are bettr off without her.

That is what happens when you forgive a cheater so easily. You should have kicked her out the first time you found out and should have got back only after strong effort from her part..Without her doing that, the marriage is doomed anyway..You know, you can take a horse to the lake but you cannot make it drink the water.
 

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Mjo59:

All the stuff you describe your wife doing is not a good sign.

I strayed twice, but I never neglected my wife during it and I did not want my marriage to end. I simply wanted the illicit thrill of extramarital sex.

I never told my wife I didn't love her when my straying was exposed.
 

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That is what happens when you forgive a cheater so easily. You should have kicked her out the first time you found out and should have got back only after strong effort from her part..Without her doing that, the marriage is doomed anyway..You know, you can take a horse to the lake but you cannot make it drink the water.
I think this is true.

After much soul searching, I realized I cheated on my wife again because she took me back too soon.

She kicked me out, after the first straying was exposed, but did not file and make me grovel. This made me feel like it was okay to do it again when the opportunity arose. It made me think she would again forgive me.

If she had divorced me and only taken me back if I groveled, I think there is a strong possibility that i would have resisted my compulsion to stray on the women I love.

Now that she has divorced me, I realize how shallow I was, how shallow the other woman is and was, how shallow the whole sordid affair thing is.
 

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She wants to leave you for the OM, clearly. She's probably looking for a place they can move into.

I think you should just divorce her.
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