Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 20 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
14 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Okay, so I feel like I am in some kind of intervention: Hi, my name is twinmama85, I have been married going on 7 years, have twin 3.5 year old boys and on August 2nd, my husband said he couldn't do this anymore. He stayed in the house until September 2nd and moved 180 miles away back home, even paying his dad rent for a room. He says its over, he tells me that everything is my fault, that his life isn't where he wants it to be at because of me. There is no other woman, he is too selfish for that right now. I basically say what he is going through is a mid-life crisis at the age of 28. He has mentioned a few times in the past that he isn't living his life like someone in their twenties should and all this other stuff. I want to save my marriage, I don't believe its over, every time I ever say anything about divorce, he gets all upset about it. People who have talked to him, he tells them he wants to work it out but then says hes confused about what he wants. A little about me, I am active duty in the AF, I have no family around me, I have our sons. I have been building on my faith with God so divorce from me is completely out of the question.

Do I go dark and cut off all contact, let him contact me as he wants, or what? Any help with this conflicting and frustrating scenario would be great
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
579 Posts
I have a boy and a girl. At 24 years old I wanted to just RUN. I saw my mortality. my life wasnt where I wanted it. I'm 28 now and back in my rightful place with my family. Where I belong. My kids and boyfriend. We have rocky slopes, but everyone does.

Your childish boyfriend needs to learn personal responsibility. HE made the choices for his life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
14 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
That is pretty much what everyone says but him and his friends or whoever he is with. He is trying to escape responsibility and I know this. But he is my husband and I meant my vows...so you were gone for 4 years??
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,872 Posts
I felt like that a lot, still feel like it, but keep mindful to not blame others for the way my life is. You are not responsible for your H's happiness, that is his own job, he really should go to some kind of counselling or therapy in order to learn how to take ownership of his own emotions.

Maybe he has come to despise you and needs a divorce, or maybe not, but there are two separate issues he is confusing here. Also, depending on the dynamics at work in your relationship, if he makes the changes he needs in his life it may also mean that he truly doesn't want to be married to you - not to accuse you of being the cause of anything, just his disingenuineness may have already caused the rift and the solution may be that it really was a mistake for him to marry - there are lots of possibilities and I just want to warn you that the ultimate solution may mean the end of marriage or one you don't like. It may also turn into a loving fulfilling marriage for both, its worth the risk for him to get some help I think.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
14 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
I felt like that a lot, still feel like it, but keep mindful to not blame others for the way my life is. You are not responsible for your H's happiness, that is his own job, he really should go to some kind of counselling or therapy in order to learn how to take ownership of his own emotions.

Maybe he has come to despise you and needs a divorce, or maybe not, but there are two separate issues he is confusing here. Also, depending on the dynamics at work in your relationship, if he makes the changes he needs in his life it may also mean that he truly doesn't want to be married to you - not to accuse you of being the cause of anything, just his disingenuineness may have already caused the rift and the solution may be that it really was a mistake for him to marry - there are lots of possibilities and I just want to warn you that the ultimate solution may mean the end of marriage or one you don't like. It may also turn into a loving fulfilling marriage for both, its worth the risk for him to get some help I think.
When he is on his emotional high, he makes really stupid statements, like this, "You didn't make me a better person, its your fault i am not a better dad, its your fault I am 28 and making peanuts for income."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,104 Posts
This isn't a mid life crisis. What your dealing with is likely someone who is broken in some way emotionally from childhood. These things usually come to a head the closer one gets to the age of 33. 28 does seem to be a magic number for this. You wake up one day, realize how close to 30 you are, and think wow I'm NOT happy.

Because you're immature your first thought is it MUST be my spouse, my job, or anything else OUTSIDE of yourself. So you move, change jobs, leave your spouse, anything to relieve the misery you feel inside. Sadly this doesn't work because whatever problems you have you will continue to have them until you take ownership of it from the INSIDE.

Most never recover from this. That is your reality. These are very unhappy people and you can't fix them. Only they can do it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,872 Posts
When he is on his emotional high, he makes really stupid statements, like this, "You didn't make me a better person, its your fault i am not a better dad, its your fault I am 28 and making peanuts for income."
Yes, he has a lot of resentment towards you. He has not communicated his needs, not taken ownership of his own emotional state and not made his life what he wants it to be, and you are the easiest target for him to assign the blame - whether or not there is a shred of truth to any of it. Right now it is a lose/lose situation because that is how he has made it to be, and not to be mean to some extent there has to have been some enabling, but from the tone of what you are saying about him and the fact he wants so desperately to end it, or is acting that way, you really aren't in a position to blame yourself at all.

It is really unfortunate there is really little you can do, he has to figure it out on his own because it is all his problem. All you can do is focus on yourself, love yourself, take care of yourself and your responsibilities, and if he is going you have to be willing to let him. Tell him you love him and want him to have the life he wants, and if that means without your love and support it is all his choice. I agree with Mavash, he is broken and it is a deep-rooted issue, you can't fix him, and if he thinks his life would be so much better without a loving wife at his side it truly is his loss.

My main concern for you is that he is going to try to manipulate you into compromising your own relationship boundaries - don't let him, be on guard for your own needs because if you let him he will just let the resentment keep festering.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
14 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
My main concern for you is that he is going to try to manipulate you into compromising your own relationship boundaries - don't let him, be on guard for your own needs because if you let him he will just let the resentment keep festering.
What does that mean? I feel like a simpleton when people say "boundaries" and what not. I guess a good example of this is yesterday, maybe, he wanted me to meet his brother half way to give his brother our boys (basically, my sons were supposed to go Friday night, one got sick and I kept him home. Told H that if he was feeling better he could go Sat.). It was 11:30AM when he asked that question. He knows our boys wake up early and he was up early as well. I asked why he waited so long to ask and that I waited but figured he changed his mind so I made plans. He tried to make me feel guilty, saying my plans were more important than our boys seeing their dad. I again asked why he waited so long and if he would have said something earlier, I would have done it no questions ask (BTW, half way is about 80 miles 1 way). His response was, " I worked 17hrs yesterday and had 4 hrs of sleep." After a few more texts (this is all by text mind you) he said nevermind, for me not to make plans for them next weekend so he can get em.

My confidant told me that because his sister was visiting and they were all together, that he wanted the boys to show that he was a good dad, basically like trophies. I stuck to my guns though, I wasn't going to drop my plans because he was inconsiderate to ask how his son was doing and if they could still go down.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,872 Posts
Yes, exactly, boundaries were a little tricky for me to understand at first, but it is quite simple. If you have made plans, and there was no objection to those plans, then it was essentially agreed upon and sticking to your plans is enforcing the boundaries - giving in to his last minute demands is essentially moving your boundaries closer to his priorities. Give an inch he will take a mile. Now you have defined your boundary he knows if he wants to have visits with his sons he needs to coordinate and plan this with you, very reasonable and so important during this process. And if he thinks he is entitled to more time with them maybe he should be making up a separation agreement so you guys don't have to make this an issue every time.

Also regarding boundaries, why would it be expected that you have to drive halfway?? It was his choice to move so far, no? I recently had to deal with this as well since my ex moved across town when she moved out last year... but our son just started kindergarten and logistically I ran out of good daycare options near his school on my side of town, and so now he goes to school over there - and it feels like a big boundary got moved on me, I am still processing it all.

Boundaries aren't about controlling him at all though, it is about standing up for your own rights through all of this - separation and divorce can get messy, the sooner you recognize boundary setting the better it goes for you in terms of piece of mind, planning your life and the best interests of your children.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
388 Posts
Hi twinsmama,
I am a twins mother too with a 5.5 year old boys. Having boys is already handful and having twin boys is double the trouble and happiness of course.

I and H had some difficult times in our life when our twins were younger, the sleepless nights, workload and commitment just changed us so much to the point we were not happy with each other. We were very close couple who hardly fight for the first 7 years of our marriage but it all changed during the 8th year. Being a young parent to twins can be overwhelming for both of you but no matter what its not okay to run from it.

I am also like you no matter what (as long as no infidelity involved) I will not consider D. Everything can be worked out.

If D is not on your options I would suggest put away all your differences and unhappiness. Give him some time to think through what he wants and set time to talk to him, understand each others needs and start again.

I do not know your exact story as in why he feels that way but its very important to respect each other and encourage and inspire each other in becoming a better spouse and parent, we all make mistakes and learn from it.

If I were you, I will let him go through what he wants but will not drive the kids half way or anyway, I'll give him clear guide as in how early should he inform you on his visits or he can fix it on a specific day. If you think you might have contributed to the way he feels in anyway do address it and clarify. If you don't think you have any part in how he feels then there is very less you can do other than just pray and convince him to go for marriage counseling.

I am not very good at offering advises and this is my personal opinion. I just get very emotional when twins go through this. My friend who also has twins had her husband walk out on them one day just like that saying "He can't do this anymore". Now after years she realizes what went wrong but its too late to change anything.

I really hope you can do something about this as it seems like your H is not thinking straight. Take care
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Do not feel that you are all alone in this. Being active duty Air Force you certainly have "family" around. You mentioned your faith in God - go talk to your base chaplain. The AF also offers marriage counseling – if he won’t go, go yourself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
579 Posts
That is pretty much what everyone says but him and his friends or whoever he is with. He is trying to escape responsibility and I know this. But he is my husband and I meant my vows...so you were gone for 4 years??
I wasn't gone for 4 years. I never left. I had the mindset "I made my bed, and now I'll lay in it" - At most I probably would have left for a month.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
111 Posts
You asked "Do I go dark and cut off all contact, let him contact me as he wants, or what?" IMO I say yes, tell him he needs to work out his problem before he is allowed to see you or the kids again. Let him know he is the only one responsible for his place in life and in the world, Accountability is a very common idea in religion so he should understand it but must be having a hard time thinking it pertains to him at this point of his life. In my short 42 years on this earth I have seen a lot of people who start there families young go through this, it usually works out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
776 Posts
Why is divorce out of the question for you?
If he tries to divorce you, will you fight it tooth and nail? Because you can't really stop it, but you can prolong it.

EDIT:
Plus, you got twin kids. They need a father figure in their lives. Or even just a male role model.
Does this guy sound like role model for your kids?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
20 Posts
i get this feeling myself sometimes. feeling as if i am missing out on the "other" life i could be living. i haven't and won't act upon the feeling, but i can relate. perhaps encourage some "him time". where he can go out with the boys and enjoy time away from the stress of family. it may help him realize what he has at home without having to feel like he has to run away. but i don't think going dark as you have said would be good at all. i don't think that it is ever good to cut off communication.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
856 Posts
He won't or can't appreciate you and the kids. That's a real shame for him. Avoid contact with him, he needs to see what life would be like without his family. Don't be rude, but just be 'busy' and don't let him come and go to suit himself. Yes go dark.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
392 Posts
Yep, go dark. Really really dark. Bumping into the walls, falling down stairs dark.

And start to move on. G-d doesn't care if you get a divorce. G-d does care if you are being abused or putting your kids into a situation where they will feel unloved but this concept that G-d would prefer you to be miserable and married instead of happy and single is really just over the top.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
28,758 Posts
Your husband has mistaken what someone in his late 20s should be doing for what a teenager should be doing.

In my opinion, this is partly his father's fault. He is enabling your husband's bad behaviour. He should have said: "No, son. This is not your home, now. Your home is with you wife and children."

He is having an affair. You even know who his AP is. It is himself...:rolleyes:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Firstly I would say be positive. You need not to feel alone in this world. But have positive attitude towards the thing you do which will really help you to get confidence in your work.




________________
black magic
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,214 Posts
What does your husband want now?
You have given him two kids , you have been faithful and he blames you for his lot in life?

So what are you supposed to do for him now?
I think a positive thing you can do is work on yourself and your kids.
Forget him.
You cannot raise your kids and raise him too.
He has to grow up.
 
1 - 20 of 20 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top