Joined
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11 Posts
So Here is my story - it's long 
I have been married 5 years and have two wonderful children. My marriage has been heading downhill almost from the start but I have always wanted it to be better and have been willing to work on it. This past year has been terrible. We barely spoke to each other aside from the routine and about the children. No sex or any kind of intimacy. I discovered my wife was having an affair back in June. The 13th to be exact. With a doctor that she works with - a married man. I knew in my heart it was going on for a while, but did not want to confront her without proof. Everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. Well, I was able to get access to her phone, which she kept password protected all the time. There were hundreds of texts, emails etc. Pictures and videos. Extremely graphic content. She did things with this other man that she NEVER did with me. It had been going on for at least seven months. I was disgusted, and heartbroken.
When I confronted her with it, she acted like I was crazy for breaking into her phone at first. Soon after, she became apologetic and told me she was lost, confused and lonely. I told her I would forgive her and commit 100% to our marriage if she ended the affair with no further contact. She agreed, but the next day she went to see him. When I caught her, she said she needed closure. And so, I agreed again that we would work on the marriage. We went to a counselor a few times, with very little progress. We went back and forth alot, fighting, threatening, crying - on a daily basis. All the while, I felt like the affair was still going on. Early in September, we reached a point where she told me that she could never forgive herself enough to repair the marriage, and that it was over. This was two days before my birthday. I was a total wreck. I broke down in tears every day on an almost hourly basis. I couldn't work, eat, sleep. I was just a total mess. I went to the doctor and got depression meds,and began to concentrate on pulling myself together.
We are barely skimming by and cannot afford lawyers and such, which has been an excuse for neither of us to act for the past two months. So I have been doing the 180. Barely any unnecessary contact. I have been working out like crazy, lost about 30 pounds and I'm more muscular than I think Iv'e ever been. So I was pretty sure that she was still seeing this man, but again had no proof. At this point I really did not care too much either way. But still, here I am, stuck. I am afraid to just leave - thus risking 50/50 joint custody of our children. This is something I will never give up, which I have expressed to her. And If I find the money to have a lawyer draw up papers, she can just refuse to sign them. So all I can do is sit tight and wait it out it seems.
So little by little over the past couple of weeks, she starts making these advances, like doing random nice things for me. Subtly showing me maybe there is hope of reconciliation. But I was very guarded. She asked me if I wanted to go to a counselor with her. I said, sure - set it up. Some friends told me I should give her a chance, but it didn't seem right. So I began again trying to get into her phone and email, I wanted to make sure I was right and not passing on a real chance here. Soon enough I discovered that not only was the affair still happening, but they were discussing (among the disgusting sex chat) me, and her progress with getting me to start to talk and interact with her again. They were talking about her deleting everything on her phone so she could unlock it and leave it unattended, and also new ways for them to stay in contact with each other.
So around this same time, she tells me it's over with him and shes going to unlock her phone and she wants to see a counselor. I told her I know that shes full of crap and still seeing him and the only way I will consider it would be if she called him and hands me the phone. So she agreed to that, several hours later, after warning him. When I spoke to him on the phone, I told him that If he contacts her in any way, that I would send all his disgusting texts, emails, and videos his wife, and anyone else i wanted to. I did this to end the affair, even if it does not result in saving my marriage. My wife is obsessed with this married man, and my children need a mom, not what she has become.
I told my wife, that was the first step, and I would see a counselor. But the more I thought about that exchange where it seemed like they were planning to "stop all communication" but secretly still keep it going - the more it still did not make sense. That just seems too crazy, even for her. It feels like a set up. She wants me to let my guard down for some reason.
Just an hour ago, I went to ask her if she called any counselors, and I notice she is texting and smiling, but her phone is sitting in the kitchen. I ask, what are you doing, and she says nothing, and shoves what looks like yet another phone into her pocket. Unbelievable. So I confront her with my feelings on this and tell her i feel like I'm being played. And I tell her I warned him, and he will soon be exposed. She said he would sue me/us if I send all his stuff to his wife. I obtained it illegally she says. The fact is, I obtained it using her password that i guessed. I'm not sure if he would have a case or not.
And so, finally I ask, why are we doing this - lets just figure out a way to divorce and handle it like a pair of adults. She agreed, but she has many times before. And I feel like 2 months from now, six months, a year from now - I will still be stuck.
God it feels good to say it all at once. If anyone has any advise, I could really use it.
Thanks to everyone
I have been married 5 years and have two wonderful children. My marriage has been heading downhill almost from the start but I have always wanted it to be better and have been willing to work on it. This past year has been terrible. We barely spoke to each other aside from the routine and about the children. No sex or any kind of intimacy. I discovered my wife was having an affair back in June. The 13th to be exact. With a doctor that she works with - a married man. I knew in my heart it was going on for a while, but did not want to confront her without proof. Everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. Well, I was able to get access to her phone, which she kept password protected all the time. There were hundreds of texts, emails etc. Pictures and videos. Extremely graphic content. She did things with this other man that she NEVER did with me. It had been going on for at least seven months. I was disgusted, and heartbroken.When I confronted her with it, she acted like I was crazy for breaking into her phone at first. Soon after, she became apologetic and told me she was lost, confused and lonely. I told her I would forgive her and commit 100% to our marriage if she ended the affair with no further contact. She agreed, but the next day she went to see him. When I caught her, she said she needed closure. And so, I agreed again that we would work on the marriage. We went to a counselor a few times, with very little progress. We went back and forth alot, fighting, threatening, crying - on a daily basis. All the while, I felt like the affair was still going on. Early in September, we reached a point where she told me that she could never forgive herself enough to repair the marriage, and that it was over. This was two days before my birthday. I was a total wreck. I broke down in tears every day on an almost hourly basis. I couldn't work, eat, sleep. I was just a total mess. I went to the doctor and got depression meds,and began to concentrate on pulling myself together.
We are barely skimming by and cannot afford lawyers and such, which has been an excuse for neither of us to act for the past two months. So I have been doing the 180. Barely any unnecessary contact. I have been working out like crazy, lost about 30 pounds and I'm more muscular than I think Iv'e ever been. So I was pretty sure that she was still seeing this man, but again had no proof. At this point I really did not care too much either way. But still, here I am, stuck. I am afraid to just leave - thus risking 50/50 joint custody of our children. This is something I will never give up, which I have expressed to her. And If I find the money to have a lawyer draw up papers, she can just refuse to sign them. So all I can do is sit tight and wait it out it seems.
So little by little over the past couple of weeks, she starts making these advances, like doing random nice things for me. Subtly showing me maybe there is hope of reconciliation. But I was very guarded. She asked me if I wanted to go to a counselor with her. I said, sure - set it up. Some friends told me I should give her a chance, but it didn't seem right. So I began again trying to get into her phone and email, I wanted to make sure I was right and not passing on a real chance here. Soon enough I discovered that not only was the affair still happening, but they were discussing (among the disgusting sex chat) me, and her progress with getting me to start to talk and interact with her again. They were talking about her deleting everything on her phone so she could unlock it and leave it unattended, and also new ways for them to stay in contact with each other.
So around this same time, she tells me it's over with him and shes going to unlock her phone and she wants to see a counselor. I told her I know that shes full of crap and still seeing him and the only way I will consider it would be if she called him and hands me the phone. So she agreed to that, several hours later, after warning him. When I spoke to him on the phone, I told him that If he contacts her in any way, that I would send all his disgusting texts, emails, and videos his wife, and anyone else i wanted to. I did this to end the affair, even if it does not result in saving my marriage. My wife is obsessed with this married man, and my children need a mom, not what she has become.
I told my wife, that was the first step, and I would see a counselor. But the more I thought about that exchange where it seemed like they were planning to "stop all communication" but secretly still keep it going - the more it still did not make sense. That just seems too crazy, even for her. It feels like a set up. She wants me to let my guard down for some reason.
Just an hour ago, I went to ask her if she called any counselors, and I notice she is texting and smiling, but her phone is sitting in the kitchen. I ask, what are you doing, and she says nothing, and shoves what looks like yet another phone into her pocket. Unbelievable. So I confront her with my feelings on this and tell her i feel like I'm being played. And I tell her I warned him, and he will soon be exposed. She said he would sue me/us if I send all his stuff to his wife. I obtained it illegally she says. The fact is, I obtained it using her password that i guessed. I'm not sure if he would have a case or not.
And so, finally I ask, why are we doing this - lets just figure out a way to divorce and handle it like a pair of adults. She agreed, but she has many times before. And I feel like 2 months from now, six months, a year from now - I will still be stuck.
God it feels good to say it all at once. If anyone has any advise, I could really use it.
Thanks to everyone
