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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I somehow wish I could sleep like a bear through Christmas and wake up in the middle of January. I feel so awful. I did not talk to OM for a long time but I know he will come home for holidays. It scares me. The way I feel scares me. I did not see him for one year and even though I miss him, I know I can’t meet him.
Sometimes, deep inside of me, I scream for seeing him again. It feels like sort of addiction.
I know it would be bad decision for me and my marriage and yet…

I told myself many times why we would not have good future together but that little thing in me won’t listen. Why is it so hard??? Why that part of me won’t give up?

I already feel like a worst person for what I did before.
With each day he crosses my mind more and more. It is not fantasy about us holding hands, but feelings of me being desperate and hopeless. I am afraid what my reaction would be if I meet him somewhere by accident. Just knowing how close he is.
I thought I was doing fine but obviously I am not.
He is a man who does things I do not like and would not tolerate if my H does them and still, I did not let go…
How to survive his visit without making another mistake or loosing my mind?
 

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AG, I can feel your anxiety thru your writing. However, I cannot offer sympathy. You continue to allow a third person to be in your marriage. You are giving emotional energy, and love to someone other than your husband. If you cannot resolve these feelings, you should tell your husband, and set him free to pursue a better life without you.
 

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Wouldn't the consequences that you will face if you do make a "mistake" help make up your mind? If you see him out somewhere.. walk by and don't say anything at all. If he contacts you tell your H that he did.
I don't know your whole story and it was tough to try to gather all the details from other posts.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thank you all! The thing is, there are days when I feel perfectly fine. When I am seeing through those rose glasses and telling myself "see, you were just naive and wanted feel loved no matter what". Selfishly. And he probably never gave you that at first place."
Then there are days when I would run to him like a little kitten.

I know it is just me who is guilty and responsible for what I did. I am ashamed of myself for being cheater. But it is little too late to change it. If I only knew back then, what I know now, I would never do any of. I would work on my marriage or got divorce first. Because this did not help with anything. ;(
 

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As I sad before in your other thread, you need to come clean to your husband.

The OM is still ruining any hope for your marriage. First the secret you carry, and now the potential for you hooking up and cheating with this pond scum.
 

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As for changing, no you can't change the past. Only the future can be chosen.

I worried that you are going to repeat your cheating if the OM gives you any chance at all.
 

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I somehow wish I could sleep like a bear through Christmas and wake up in the middle of January. I feel so awful. I did not talk to OM for a long time but I know he will come home for holidays. It scares me. The way I feel scares me. I did not see him for one year and even though I miss him, I know I can’t meet him.
Sometimes, deep inside of me, I scream for seeing him again. It feels like sort of addiction.
I know it would be bad decision for me and my marriage and yet…

I told myself many times why we would not have good future together but that little thing in me won’t listen. Why is it so hard??? Why that part of me won’t give up?

I already feel like a worst person for what I did before.
With each day he crosses my mind more and more. It is not fantasy about us holding hands, but feelings of me being desperate and hopeless. I am afraid what my reaction would be if I meet him somewhere by accident. Just knowing how close he is.
I thought I was doing fine but obviously I am not.
He is a man who does things I do not like and would not tolerate if my H does them and still, I did not let go…
How to survive his visit without making another mistake or loosing my mind?
Ummm...wait. You had an affair and now you're kind of pining for the OM even though you're still married?

Does you husband know of the affair? Shoot...I guess I've gotta read your story. BRB


This is why starting new threads do not work. Now background provided and bad guidance will most likely be the result.

SomedayDig a good thing you were awake and not asleep at the switch.

Back to the scene of the crime. You have not repented, you are not remorseful.

Your lack of action is the reason why affairs restart.

You need to tell your BH. If your OM has a W or GF they must be exposed as well.

You also need for you and your BH to far away from the OM because you are an OM addict. As a drunk you has to stay out of the bars, you need to move away from the OM so you will never run into him.

Why is your self esteem that low that you will have an affair with a man without morals? A man that is a sneak, stealing from your BH when your BH is not looking.

They cheat with you they will cheat on you.

Time to man up.
 

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I somehow wish I could sleep like a bear through Christmas and wake up in the middle of January. I feel so awful. I did not talk to OM for a long time but I know he will come home for holidays. It scares me. The way I feel scares me. I did not see him for one year and even though I miss him, I know I can’t meet him.
Sometimes, deep inside of me, I scream for seeing him again. It feels like sort of addiction.
I know it would be bad decision for me and my marriage and yet…

I told myself many times why we would not have good future together but that little thing in me won’t listen. Why is it so hard??? Why that part of me won’t give up?

I already feel like a worst person for what I did before.
With each day he crosses my mind more and more. It is not fantasy about us holding hands, but feelings of me being desperate and hopeless. I am afraid what my reaction would be if I meet him somewhere by accident. Just knowing how close he is.
I thought I was doing fine but obviously I am not.
He is a man who does things I do not like and would not tolerate if my H does them and still, I did not let go…
How to survive his visit without making another mistake or loosing my mind?
You'll break your husband's heart. In the same way my wife broke my heart under similar circumstances.

We did reconcile but it was not easy and to be honest, it has never been quite the same, since then.
 

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If you can't maintain your self control and sense of morality (thank you Costa), then consider ending your marriage, it might be best for everyone concerned ... especially your husband.
 

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AwfullyGuilty, you must understand, that it is possible, this man, who you think you care for so much, might only be so important in your mind because he represents an escape for you from your marriage. It's important to consider this.

Think about this and try to answer it honestly. If you had 100 million dollars, and you could live anywhere in the world, the US or your home country, anywhere, no worries of visa, money, job, marriage, nothing, no worries at all, would you still desire this other man?

You need to be very, very honest with yourself, try to think past your present life as it is now, you have to imagine you are free to do anything you want.

Would you commit the rest of your life to this other man?

T
 

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I would highly recommend that you board the karma bus and find out for yourself how you can stop thinking about him once and for all. Your husband surely could use having a real, faithful wife for Christmas for a change. Maybe Santa will be good to him and send her this year.
 

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He is a man who does things I do not like and would not tolerate if my H does them and still, I did not let go…
What the hell ?

You mentioned that your own sister's family was devastated by her H's infidelity and here you are doing the same thing.

maybe you just like the drama
 

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You repeatedly start new threads but the underlying questions you pose are still the same.

You are acting like a dry drunk.

You really haven't changed. You are still mentally a cheater.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
AwfullyGuilty, you must understand, that it is possible, this man, who you think you care for so much, might only be so important in your mind because he represents an escape for you from your marriage. It's important to consider this.

Think about this and try to answer it honestly. If you had 100 million dollars, and you could live anywhere in the world, the US or your home country, anywhere, no worries of visa, money, job, marriage, nothing, no worries at all, would you still desire this other man?

You need to be very, very honest with yourself, try to think past your present life as it is now, you have to imagine you are free to do anything you want.

Would you commit the rest of your life to this other man?

T[/QUOTT

Tony55,
I really like what you wrote, especially the part about " this man, who you think you care for so much, might only be so important in your mind because he represents an escape for you from your marriage."

I guess that is the fantasy what everybody talks about.

Also, if I have everything you wrote and knew what I know about him now, I would NOT commit the rest of my life to OM.
But being stuck in my situation made me look at everything differently.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
You repeatedly start new threads but the underlying questions you pose are still the same.

You are acting like a dry drunk.

You really haven't changed. You are still mentally a cheater.
I think I changed a lot since all of it happened. I did not feel remorse or regret before. I was just selfish and wanted to be out of my marriage so bad. Little did I know this was not way to get there.

When I think about it now, when I look at my husband, hear about cheating, think about future, all I do is cry. It is killing me inside. It is awful feeling but I deserve it all!
I do go to MC to work on myself, then later on, to work with my H on those problems which we had long before I met OM.
 
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