Talk About Marriage banner
1 - 8 of 8 Posts

· Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband and I have been very happily married for 2 years together for 6, he has 2 teenage girls 14 & 15 from a previous relationship. Before we were married the children were spending half the week with us and half the week with their bio mom.. now they are older they both have predominantly lived here with us especially since we got married, They probably go to see their mom once a week but don’t stay over. Before this were were going on holidays, days out, weekends away ect. But now we can’t do anything because the girls are to “old and cool” to do anything with us yet they are very irresponsible girls they argue and fight and bicker constantly and we just can’t risk leaving them to just get on with it because I’d genuinely fear we would not come home to a house! Im now started to hate on my husband for what feels like I’m putting my life on hold because of his kids? I’ve chosen not to have any and he was happy with that due to his two being handfuls he doesn’t want to do it all again. I know it won’t last forever and they are nearly grown up but still .. I feel like I’m stuck in Groundhog Day! Any recommendations welcome!
 

· Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
This is unfortunately not an option. Bio mom decided to have 2 more children with another partner and not enough room to house all 4 children. The can go for dinner but do not have a room or bed to stay in. I know it’s very irresponsible and selfish of her but what can my husband do or say 🤷🏽‍♀️
 

· Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
No I absolutely agree they must feel abandoned they do have their own room and space so it feels like more of a home here, the older one still goes maybe once a week, but the younger one would be happy just spending the minimum amount of time there, bio mom is quite the drama queen and likes to drag the kids into her problems the older one is like her mother in that sense so will put up with it, where as the younger one hasn’t got the time of day for any drama.
madfar as conversation between me and my husband goes he doesn’t feel like he has much of a choice about the whole situation obviously he loves them they are his children and he now wants to be a good dad and is obviously compensating for what their mom has done to them. I will never give him any grief for trying to be a good dad and I think bu airing my thoughts like this he would perceive it as selfish on my half because I’m not thinking about the whole family.. maybe I am 🤷🏽‍♀️ I’m not to sure.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
ever since I met my husband they have always been a handful, I fortunately set proper boundaries as soon as I came into their life so they haven't been horrendous here. however I think when mom and dad were together the kids ruled the roost and didn't have any discipline so they argued and fought constantly, this still happens occasionally here but when it does you know about it, the whole house goes into turmoil, to the point where I've left the house on numerous occasions.
they do have respect for us but it seems absolutely non for their mother, and her basically kicking them out to live with us has only added fuel to the fire with their relationship with her. but everything she's done in her mind is totally justified, she doesn't seem to take any responsibility for her children and has just shunned it off as '' well you wanted to live with her dad'' which was never the case, they didn't have any choice.
but yes you are totally right, I want some time for us.
a couple of weeks ago I said about going to the cinema to watch a film id wanted to go and see and he responded that the younger daughter might like to go and watch that to, and I did get the hump I will admit because I just wanted it to be me and him, I'm not entirely sure whether that was the fear of leaving them in the house alone together for a few hours or him compensating for their mother never taking them anywhere.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
He can say that they are going to their moms for the weekend. It is their moms responsibility for sleeping arrangements.
We did try this a few weeks ago, we went away for 2 nights in our camper van and we arrived back to a mountain of complaining and sorting out arguments the kids and bio mom had over that period of 2 days, one being that the children were made to sleep on the sofas! and we just thought what is the point if this is going to happen every time.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
This is why people should never marry someone with children at home and why about 70% of second marriages with kids fail. You were with him for four years before you married so you knew what you were getting yourself into. Now you're stuck, at least for the next four years until the youngest is old enough to leave the house. If you want to stay married, do not come between your husband and his kids because he will choose his kids every time. So either suck it up or leave. It's your choice.
Can I just say that I am not “stuck” nor am I unhappy. I love my husband, I love being a stepmom, the problem is I didn’t bank on bio mom abandoning her children and it ultimately suddenly leaving all mother duties to me, a woman that has not had children previously, that in itself has been very overwhelming. I’m merely here to ask for guidance on how to approach the subject of me and my husband being able to spend more time together. This is a very unusual situation I believe and I’m simply here to have a discussion and maybe a few pointers to take away from it. If your attitude to everything is “suck it up or leave” then that’s sad. There’s an answer to everyone’s problems and I’m here to find the answer or guidance to mine.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter · #23 ·
Ari345 is right in airing her grievances. On the one hand, she probably does not get a single say on raising his kids (Ari345, please confirm this is the case,) and on the other, she has to condition her quality time to HIS daughter-centric life. She's in a tough spot and is 100% in the right if you ask me.

Time to have some tough talk with him. Lines in the sand must be drawn. And if he doesn't agree, start moving away from him slowly so that he gets the point.
thanks very much, its a tough subject to talk with anyone face to face with, also non of my friends are in this situation so I don't feel id get the answers I need. me and my husband usually discuss the kids however ultimately he will make the final call on anything even if I think its not the right one, and I get that to a point, those discussions usually stem around discipline, he's a soft touch so they usually get away lightly with him where as I'm more stern (loose privileges etc).
as I said before I 100% never thought this would happen and id have to step up to be a full time mother, people who say step parents 'know what they are signing up for' absolutely DO NOT, and it is mentally exhausting some days. however i can see that they are both happier here than with there mother and I suppose I have just got to take that as something we are doing right! it is a happy home there's no doubt, I could just be that little bit happier some days.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter · #26 ·
Well done for trying it! Did you have a good time while away?

"sorting out arguments", between who?

"what is the point?" Don't give up on this. I think you did the right thing.

I don't work with teenagers. If this was my case, I'd work with the couple.
we did have a wonderful time! the arguments were a lot between the youngest and bio mom, mom had said that she couldn't talk or even look at the youngest without getting into a row. but then on talking to the youngest she said that her mom and her mothers partner ''wind her up'' by arguing back and forth and it spirals from there, however we rarely have this here, she is usually well behaved with the exception of an occasional blow out with her sister, this is a child with a short fuse anyway so the last thing she needs is winding up! bio mom denies this when questioned about it, so there's nothing more we can really do or say.
 
1 - 8 of 8 Posts
Top