My husband and I have been very happily married for 2 years together for 6, he has 2 teenage girls 14 & 15 from a previous relationship. Before we were married the children were spending half the week with us and half the week with their bio mom.. now they are older they both have predominantly lived here with us especially since we got married, They probably go to see their mom once a week but don’t stay over. Before this were were going on holidays, days out, weekends away ect. But now we can’t do anything because the girls are to “old and cool” to do anything with us yet they are very irresponsible girls they argue and fight and bicker constantly and we just can’t risk leaving them to just get on with it because I’d genuinely fear we would not come home to a house! Im now started to hate on my husband for what feels like I’m putting my life on hold because of his kids? I’ve chosen not to have any and he was happy with that due to his two being handfuls he doesn’t want to do it all again. I know it won’t last forever and they are nearly grown up but still .. I feel like I’m stuck in Groundhog Day! Any recommendations welcome!
I feel like I’m not living?
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This is unfortunately not an option. Bio mom decided to have 2 more children with another partner and not enough room to house all 4 children. The can go for dinner but do not have a room or bed to stay in. I know it’s very irresponsible and selfish of her but what can my husband do or say 🤷🏽♀️
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I'm glad you said that, because it was what I was thinking, until I got to those words. It is a short-term problem, ultimately.
I can imagine that deep down, the girls feel abandoned by their bio mother, remarrying and not having any space for them. Each of them needs a room, a place to belong. So I can understand their anger. A bad thing has been done to them by her (as I understand your story). Do they talk about her, and if so, how?
Of course there is no point in you getting into conflict with the bio mother.
It might be worth trying it! Maybe your fears are exaggerated. ... Do they share a room, or do they have a room each at your house?
Of course you are doing a very generous thing. What happens when you try to talk with him about all this? There may not be any easy answer. The girls are likely to continue to feel angry about what has happened in their lives. But how does the conversation between you and him go?
you are the mistress of the house and the children have to follow your rules
talk to your husband you should act together and you should have a say over the children, he should support your authority and your decisions
you also need to start being the mothers of children, make them understand that you are the person with whom they can share their problems, find out the reasons for the discussion and check what you will do in solving their problems or guiding the developing children.
Living together is difficult and if you try to isolate yourself inside, things will get out of control.
talk to your husband you should act together and you should have a say over the children, he should support your authority and your decisions
you also need to start being the mothers of children, make them understand that you are the person with whom they can share their problems, find out the reasons for the discussion and check what you will do in solving their problems or guiding the developing children.
Living together is difficult and if you try to isolate yourself inside, things will get out of control.
No I absolutely agree they must feel abandoned they do have their own room and space so it feels like more of a home here, the older one still goes maybe once a week, but the younger one would be happy just spending the minimum amount of time there, bio mom is quite the drama queen and likes to drag the kids into her problems the older one is like her mother in that sense so will put up with it, where as the younger one hasn’t got the time of day for any drama.
madfar as conversation between me and my husband goes he doesn’t feel like he has much of a choice about the whole situation obviously he loves them they are his children and he now wants to be a good dad and is obviously compensating for what their mom has done to them. I will never give him any grief for trying to be a good dad and I think bu airing my thoughts like this he would perceive it as selfish on my half because I’m not thinking about the whole family.. maybe I am 🤷🏽♀️ I’m not to sure.
madfar as conversation between me and my husband goes he doesn’t feel like he has much of a choice about the whole situation obviously he loves them they are his children and he now wants to be a good dad and is obviously compensating for what their mom has done to them. I will never give him any grief for trying to be a good dad and I think bu airing my thoughts like this he would perceive it as selfish on my half because I’m not thinking about the whole family.. maybe I am 🤷🏽♀️ I’m not to sure.
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Well, I guess that's true!
All I am saying is that the reason they act "irresponsible" and fight a lot, is because of what their bio mother has done.
So perhaps you can come with a way to air your thoughts that doesn't sound selfish? Keep it short. No complaining about anyone. No complaining about them, her, or him. Along the lines of "we also need to set aside some time for us. What do you think?"
What you can't do is demand that he should change them, or her.
ever since I met my husband they have always been a handful, I fortunately set proper boundaries as soon as I came into their life so they haven't been horrendous here. however I think when mom and dad were together the kids ruled the roost and didn't have any discipline so they argued and fought constantly, this still happens occasionally here but when it does you know about it, the whole house goes into turmoil, to the point where I've left the house on numerous occasions.
they do have respect for us but it seems absolutely non for their mother, and her basically kicking them out to live with us has only added fuel to the fire with their relationship with her. but everything she's done in her mind is totally justified, she doesn't seem to take any responsibility for her children and has just shunned it off as '' well you wanted to live with her dad'' which was never the case, they didn't have any choice.
but yes you are totally right, I want some time for us.
a couple of weeks ago I said about going to the cinema to watch a film id wanted to go and see and he responded that the younger daughter might like to go and watch that to, and I did get the hump I will admit because I just wanted it to be me and him, I'm not entirely sure whether that was the fear of leaving them in the house alone together for a few hours or him compensating for their mother never taking them anywhere.
they do have respect for us but it seems absolutely non for their mother, and her basically kicking them out to live with us has only added fuel to the fire with their relationship with her. but everything she's done in her mind is totally justified, she doesn't seem to take any responsibility for her children and has just shunned it off as '' well you wanted to live with her dad'' which was never the case, they didn't have any choice.
but yes you are totally right, I want some time for us.
a couple of weeks ago I said about going to the cinema to watch a film id wanted to go and see and he responded that the younger daughter might like to go and watch that to, and I did get the hump I will admit because I just wanted it to be me and him, I'm not entirely sure whether that was the fear of leaving them in the house alone together for a few hours or him compensating for their mother never taking them anywhere.
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I think you might have to compromise a little bit, which it sounds like you’re open to do.
I agree with the conversations that you need to have. And in the way of compromise, can you settle for “short excursions” ro be alone with hubby. Like the movie, or regular date nights, or a day trip to a park or something… but hire a “babysitter”?
It sounds like the girls are big enough they shouldn’t need one…but apparently they do. But take them on some excursions with you, and add ground rules for behavior. Once they start to comply then they can travel more with you, but still you can have a bit of alone time.
I love your attitude and awareness… this is temporary. Maybe not even a year until one of them matures enough to be that babysitter.
Good luck to you!
He can say that they are going to their moms for the weekend. It is their moms responsibility for sleeping arrangements.
We did try this a few weeks ago, we went away for 2 nights in our camper van and we arrived back to a mountain of complaining and sorting out arguments the kids and bio mom had over that period of 2 days, one being that the children were made to sleep on the sofas! and we just thought what is the point if this is going to happen every time.
Ari345, sounds to me like you guys never talked this through well enough. I presume you never laid down boundaries with your husband as to what/where/when/how you wanted to do with the kids? I suggest you talk to him about them and ensure that your opinion is heard. That he doesn't take your input into account is not acceptable.
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This is why people should never marry someone with children at home and why about 70% of second marriages with kids fail. You were with him for four years before you married so you knew what you were getting yourself into. Now you're stuck, at least for the next four years until the youngest is old enough to leave the house. If you want to stay married, do not come between your husband and his kids because he will choose his kids every time. So either suck it up or leave. It's your choice.
This is not your or husband’s fault or problem. It rests completely on bio mom’s shoulders. Your husband needs to take control of his daughters and let them know that their behavior will not be tolerated. I would have trusted my kids completely in this situation at that age. My kids knew from a young age disrespect would not be tolerated. They grew up loving kids. Yes they had their moments like all kids. It was never a continuous argument like you describe.
Can I just say that I am not “stuck” nor am I unhappy. I love my husband, I love being a stepmom, the problem is I didn’t bank on bio mom abandoning her children and it ultimately suddenly leaving all mother duties to me, a woman that has not had children previously, that in itself has been very overwhelming. I’m merely here to ask for guidance on how to approach the subject of me and my husband being able to spend more time together. This is a very unusual situation I believe and I’m simply here to have a discussion and maybe a few pointers to take away from it. If your attitude to everything is “suck it up or leave” then that’s sad. There’s an answer to everyone’s problems and I’m here to find the answer or guidance to mine.
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I understand you very well because my wife and feel this sometimes with our own children. We have teenage children that every time we try to go somewhere specifically overnight they gaslight us, blackmail us before and after as if we are doing something horrible to them by leaving entire house, cooked food for teenagers having full freedom to do what they want. And we go for a few days may be twice a year and take longer trip of a week or 10 days maybe once in 2-3 years.
And do not listen to others who said the problem is "temporary". There is nothing "temporary" in the problem that won't go away for another 5 years. This is enough time to destroy your relationship and your marriage. You may not admit this but yes, you are "stuck". You need to either accept your fate that you signed up not only for a marriage but deal with unruly, ungrateful, rude kids who are not even yours or you need to leave your marriage. It is highly unlikely the kids will start suddenly spending more time with their mom if they have not done this yet.
And do not listen to others who said the problem is "temporary". There is nothing "temporary" in the problem that won't go away for another 5 years. This is enough time to destroy your relationship and your marriage. You may not admit this but yes, you are "stuck". You need to either accept your fate that you signed up not only for a marriage but deal with unruly, ungrateful, rude kids who are not even yours or you need to leave your marriage. It is highly unlikely the kids will start suddenly spending more time with their mom if they have not done this yet.
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I was raised in a blended family like this.
My suggestion is this:
1. Your step daughters probably have some emotional issues due to the divorce and their mother's choices. These probably exhibit in their behaviors. They more than likely need therapy.
2. You and your husband need to agree on a common parenting method and he has to enforce that you are "in locus parents" and not them.
3. As a couple, you need to clearly establish boundaries and consequences for the daughters behaviors.....and enforce them.
4. You obviously were aware he had children and chose to marry him. Do not try and force him to choose between you and them, that is patently unfair, and leads to no one winning.
My suggestion is this:
1. Your step daughters probably have some emotional issues due to the divorce and their mother's choices. These probably exhibit in their behaviors. They more than likely need therapy.
2. You and your husband need to agree on a common parenting method and he has to enforce that you are "in locus parents" and not them.
3. As a couple, you need to clearly establish boundaries and consequences for the daughters behaviors.....and enforce them.
4. You obviously were aware he had children and chose to marry him. Do not try and force him to choose between you and them, that is patently unfair, and leads to no one winning.
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Send them to @Laurentium
He will straighten them out, I promise.
I suspect, at a discount.
PM him.
Um..
He will straighten them out, I promise.
I suspect, at a discount.
PM him.
Um..
Ari345 is right in airing her grievances. On the one hand, she probably does not get a single say on raising his kids (Ari345, please confirm this is the case,) and on the other, she has to condition her quality time to HIS daughter-centric life. She's in a tough spot and is 100% in the right if you ask me.
Time to have some tough talk with him. Lines in the sand must be drawn. And if he doesn't agree, start moving away from him slowly so that he gets the point.
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