I know you can make it too. You're having a bad night...or a bad day...or a bad hour. Time for a little "take care of YOU."
Your life for 8 years was not a lie. Maybe you made decisions based on half truths or maybe you had hope and gave the benefit of the doubt. The point is that for 8 years, you did your best.
Your judgement is not faulty. I can completely understand why you feel like second guessing yourself, but you know how inside your gut you felt like a stomach ache and sick to your stomach (not medical nausea but that "knot in your stomach")? That was your inner judgement trying to tell you that what you KNEW and what you were hoping/seeing did not match. You knew it was wrong to be treated like that, or to let yourself be hurt. You knew that being treated so cruelly was not "love" and your insides felt like worms and stressed out because the inside and the outside weren't matching. Your judgement is solid!
Your faith--I can only say that I do understand how it feels like you are walking alone and just when you needed Him, God is nowhere to be seen. At minimum fiery damnation should rain down from heaven, right? :FIREdevil: LOL!! But here--let me fortify your faith: "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” ~ Deuteronomy 31:6 He has promised us He'll be there, and God never, EVER breaks a promise so He IS there. You may feel weak and wobbly but you can depend on that.
You married such a cruel person and thought he was good because you believed the best. You gave him the benefit of the doubt and hoped he would be kind and gentle and thoughtful. The fact that he was cruel is not a weakness in you, but rather it was his choice to be that kind of person. YOU can still give the benefit of the doubt and hope and be kind and gentle and thoughtful (and be that kind of person)---he can't.
And finally regarding being tired of the nightmare, I have an idea. Choose to stop it for a while. Okay we all worry, feel hurt, cry, and live on this flipping rollercoaster of emotions that won't stop. So tonight, just choose to get off and say to yourself, "Tonight I'm popping some popcorn, making some hot chocolate, popping in that movie I wanted to see that he would never want to watch with me, and I'm putting all that other stuff on the back burner for the night." You can resume dealing with it tomorrow.
