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My BF (40) and I (29) lived together. He's been abusive (always threatening breakup) and I think I also been (clingy, bitter, sometimes I just want him to follow my orders like hugs get this) out of resentment. But I was willing to take it over counseling unlike him who loves to self pity or blame me. When in good mood, everything is heaven. Sometimes he tries to change. There's so many stories in this relationship but I will just zoom into the present.

He's now unemployed because he had a bad boss. It's fine. We're already on our 4th year, the first ones were just okay. He expects me to household chores, prepare him meals, do groceries while doing my 9-10 hour daily work. He is either getting mad nor quiet and just wait for me until things happen. He feels like its women's job but on top of it, he's reasoning that he's depressed. Okay, i am actually too but i try to fight for it while taking meds.

I tried talking these things out but he's like "you're being this to me because i am unemployed, how can you be so bad, i feel so useless" i told him its not like that but hey i am getting too tired everyday.. imagine this happening now in NCOV...i have nowhere to live in any case.

On the other hand, i can ask him to wash dishes once a day only, or put some oil at my back once a day...hug me, other than this he is starting to get irritated. He usually follows my orders but only like this. I mean I request because i am too tired. He even asks me gently to make him coffee 3x day.

Its like I can access full of his life which is what i want but i feel drained. He's too sweet to me, which is I loved but I am afraid to open up this topic again.

Is there any way to open? Or do you think it is over?

I feel his hugs, presence but I am too tired.

Help thank you
 

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We teach people how to treat us. You have taught him that he can push you around and treat you like a maid. So now, if you want it to be different, you have to teach him to treat you with respect. Of course if you do this, your relationship might end but you will have to accept that as a reasonable outcome.

So here are some ideas.

My BF (40) and I (29) lived together. He's been abusive (always threatening breakup)
If he threatens to breakup, tell him that if that's what he wants then he can leave. If it's not want he wants he needs to stop the threats to break up. He says this to you because it gives him the upper hand. It puts him in control.

Who owns the home you live in? Does he? Do you?

But I was willing to take it over counseling unlike him who loves to self pity or blame me.
Maybe you could go to individual counseling so you can learn to set boundaries on how you allow others to treat/mistreat you. This way you can work on yourself. You cannot change him. The only person you can change is yourself. So go do it. Change yourself for the better. :)

He's now unemployed because he had a bad boss. It's fine.
How long has he been unemployed? Is he job hunting? How much time a day does he spend job hunting?
Can he job hunt with NCOV going on? Does he work in an industry that would allow him to work from home? Can he get a remote job?

He's unemployed. So you are supporting him financially, doing all the housework, shopping, cooking, etc.? You are his mommy. He's got it made. There is no reason for him to do anything. He's comfortable and won't change until there is a need to change.

If this is not what you want, you need to change. Stop doing it all. Don't do his laundry. When he runs out of clean clothing, he will have to clean it. Don't make his coffee. Don't cook for him.

You have trained him very well to use you as a maid. Un-train him.

He expects me to household chores, prepare him meals, do groceries while doing my 9-10 hour daily work. He is either getting mad nor quiet and just wait for me until things happen. He feels like its women's job but on top of it, he's reasoning that he's depressed.
Of course he does thinks it's a woman's job to do all that. After all it allows him to be lazy. You put up with it. Why?

He might be depressed. But it's his responsibility to get out of that depression. But depression is not an excuse for what he's doing. Why not tell him that instead of back down like you do?

Does he leave dishes, glasses, etc laying around the house? Do you pick them up and put them away? If you do just stop. A good way to handle this is to get a box. If he leaves his stuff around throw it in the box. That way he will need to deal with the box full of his junk. When the box gets full, throw it all out.

Here is a good boundary for you: "I will not be a maid and servant to anyone." See the boundary is about your behavior. So just stop being a maid.

Okay, i am actually too but i try to fight for it while taking meds.
Where you on meds for depression before you got into a relationship with him? Or are you depressed because of this relationship?

I tried talking these things out but he's like "you're being this to me because i am unemployed, how can you be so bad, i feel so useless" i told him its not like that but hey i am getting too tired everyday.. imagine this happening now in NCOV...i have nowhere to live in any case.
A good reply to him would be: "Then why are you not doing what is necessary to make yourself feel useful. Why are you not job hunting? Why aren't you taking responsibility for things around here?"

On the other hand, i can ask him to wash dishes once a day only, or put some oil at my back once a day...hug me, other than this he is starting to get irritated. He usually follows my orders but only like this. I mean I request because i am too tired. He even asks me gently to make him coffee 3x day.
Are you 'ordering' him to do things or politely asking? The word 'ordering' makes is sound like you are acting like a boss or a mother demanding things. Could you clarify?

Stop making him coffee. He's a big boy, a grown man. Before you two moved in together, who got him his coffee? Who did his dishes, etc.?

Its like I can access full of his life which is what i want but i feel drained. He's too sweet to me, which is I loved but I am afraid to open up this topic again.
Of course he's sweet to you muct of the time. He has to be or you will leave him and he will have to support himself, make his own coffee, cook, clean, shop, etc. He's got it made as long as you continue to allow him to disrespect you and act like his maid. Just stop it.


Is there any way to open? Or do you think it is over?
You can try by telling him he's an adult and just as responsible as you are for earning a living, house work, etc. After all, if you break up with him he will have to do all of it himself. (tell him this) So, either he starts acting like a responsible adult and do at least 50% of everything, get a got, and respecting you or it's over.

See how he responds. If he gets angry do not let his anger push you into backing down and allowing this to continue.
 

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I'd say it's too late for "Tough love."
The die is cast.
Yep. "Tough love" cannot solve this problem. He is who he is. And, most likely, he's not going to change. You haven't married him, you haven't bore children with him. You may very well thank God for that. Get out now, find someone who isn't a freeloader to make your life with.
 

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My BF (40) and I (29) lived together. He's been abusive (always threatening breakup) and I think I also been (clingy, bitter, sometimes I just want him to follow my orders like hugs get this) out of resentment. But I was willing to take it over counseling unlike him who loves to self pity or blame me. When in good mood, everything is heaven. Sometimes he tries to change. There's so many stories in this relationship but I will just zoom into the present.

He's now unemployed because he had a bad boss. It's fine. We're already on our 4th year, the first ones were just okay. He expects me to household chores, prepare him meals, do groceries while doing my 9-10 hour daily work. He is either getting mad nor quiet and just wait for me until things happen. He feels like its women's job but on top of it, he's reasoning that he's depressed. Okay, i am actually too but i try to fight for it while taking meds.

I tried talking these things out but he's like "you're being this to me because i am unemployed, how can you be so bad, i feel so useless" i told him its not like that but hey i am getting too tired everyday.. imagine this happening now in NCOV...i have nowhere to live in any case.

On the other hand, i can ask him to wash dishes once a day only, or put some oil at my back once a day...hug me, other than this he is starting to get irritated. He usually follows my orders but only like this. I mean I request because i am too tired. He even asks me gently to make him coffee 3x day.

Its like I can access full of his life which is what i want but i feel drained. He's too sweet to me, which is I loved but I am afraid to open up this topic again.

Is there any way to open? Or do you think it is over?

I feel his hugs, presence but I am too tired.

Help thank you
Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells or like you never know where you stand? Sounds like he is hard to please and when you attempt to express yourself, he turns into the victim. Therefore...not allowing you to express your needs. Sounds to me like he controls through manipulation. How long do you think you can keep living this way? Know your worth something too and deserve a two way relationship built on mutual love and respect.
 
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