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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
D-day: February 27th @ 6pm

I am in utter shock and disbelief. I am 24 years old and I have been only married for 2 and a half years. I have been with my husband for 6 and a half years. I've suspected there was something wrong for the past few months - my husband has distant and sad with all of these emotions coming to a head on February 17th while we were on the way to the airport for a weeklong, much needed vacation. We were driving in the car and all of a sudden he just started to cry, something he hasn't done since very earl on in our relationship. He told me he was just having a bad day, which was true as he had hurt his back at work early that week and was trying to sort out frustrating paper work with workers compensation.

I didn't really buy it as being entirely related to stress from work but my explanation was that he was suffering from a mental health issue. I honestly have thought for months that he was suffering from depression. We continued on our trip - I spent the whole time worrying that he was going to hurt himself. He was distant and spent most of the vacation on our computer and iphone. Frankly it was a miserable vacation - especially pretending to be happy around my family. At some point during the trip he admitted he had a problem and that he wanted to get help and talk to someone. I came home feeling positive that we were going to get him help and subsequently help our relationship.

I went to work Monday morning and had a good day. I drove the long commute home thinking about making a nice supper and having an honest conversation with my husband about how I had been feeling (lonely). When I arrived home he was still at appointments dealing with his back and getting back to work. He had left his facebook open on our computer. I don't know what made me look but maybe it was all the time he had spent on the computer on our trip. He had a message from one on his colleagues, who he has always claimed was one of his best woman friends.

At first I thought it was just a joke.... his words jumped off the page... "I Love you so much"... that could be friendly, right? I continued to read.... vulgar, revolting messages about sexual acts, details about what he wanted to do with her... worse than just sex " I want to be able to walk down the street holding your hand and fall asleep with you in my arms". I screamed. I cried. He arrived home somewhere in the midst of all this. I threw my wedding ring at him. I slapped him across the face. He tried to talk, I couldn't make myself listen. I screamed more. I feel that all I have done for the past 2 days is cry and scream.

What I have found out:
- It has been going on for 4 months.
- They have had sex 4-5 times.
- He claims that the things he said to her were just words and that he wanted her to like her so he was saying what he thought she would want to hear.
- I know the girl. She has always been rude and mean to me anytime I had any encounters with me. She has a child, a boyfriend AND a girlfriend. She believes in open relationships but her boyfriend who she lives with does not.
- I feel like I'm having a Sandra Bullock moment. She is the anti-me. She has tattoos, fake boobs and a vulgar personality.


My husband is sorry and says he is desperate to make things work with me. He is talking "future" and says the decision is all up to me. I am no where close to deciding anything about the future. I realize his depression is no excuse but I can not seem to separate his depression and suicidal ideations from the affair. It is entirely unfair that I need to be concerned about his well-being while dealing with my own emotions but I can't seem to figure out how to look at these issues independently.

I don't even know how to feel. How do I even begin to pick up the pieces. I don't know anyone my age that this has happened to.
 

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I'm not your age but I under the bomb that has exploded in your life. What you are feeling is not easy to describe because you are feeling so many things at once. My best advice is don't make any decisions right now. It takes time to absorb all the information that you have learned in such a short amount of time. Can you consider asking him to move out while you sort things out in your mind as to which way you feel is best to proceed?
 

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I am so sorry you've joined the club :( I agree - do not make any decisions right away. Have a look at all the newbie info we have here - stickies, links in people's sigs, and read about what he needs to do if there's any hope of you staying together. Hugs.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
As of right now I am sleeping in the spare bedroom and hes sleeping on the couch. His parents know and have been trying hard to be there for me. My husband is seeing a psychiatrist Friday.... I think thats one of the most complicated parts is that I worry if I make any drastic moves its going to push him over the edge. I realize thats not fair for me and that I shouldn't even be concerned about it but its hard to stop caring about his well-being even though I loathe him right now
 

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I'm 26 and 4 weeks out from DDay. We have a 3 year old daughter and I'm 5 1/2 months pregnant. It can and does happen to people our age. It happens at EVERY age. You'll find great support and advice here. If I can be of any help at all, just let me know. I'll be praying for you.
 

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This is a club no one wants to join but for some of us we were forced into this club. We all know what you are going through and I wish there was a magic pill we could all take but there just isn't. Hang in there and above all, take care of yourself.
 

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consider that his depression is directly related to his cheating and the guilt associated with it


read the newbie link in my signature

a few tips while you decide whether to R or D

expose the affair to the OW's boyfriend and girlfriend, also consider letting HR of where they work know of the affair as well (if you want to R then he has to go NC and thus quit his job anyways)

see your doctor for yourself as well, get an STD test and ask about meds if you think you may need them for anxiety/stress (see the doctor link in my signature)
 

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Make sure to contacts the OW bf and tell him about your husband, he will help on his end to stop the affair.

Next,no rug sweeping. He knew what he was doing and no doubt the OW was making it fun for him.

Get yourself an STD test. It sounds like he OW s a walking pietri dish.

Then, ask yourself why you would keep him around? He so easily jumped into an affair with petri dish after 2 yrs of marriage , you have to ask yourself if this is a guy you want to waste any more of your life with?
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
How are you now?
Omaha - Thank you for asking. Things are not great, although they had been better. There have been many dips and dives and I think I have come to realize as of this week that the R I have worked so hard on for 5 months was a false one on my H's side. I am surrounding myself with friends and family and trying to keep moving forward, with or without him. It has been a struggle, and this is certainly a low point but I hope that it will get better in the future. My whole life hinges on the decision I make so its not something I will make lightly. On top of my relationship, my job, my home and the town I live in currently would all change. There would be no reason for me to stay if I was not with him.

It is absolutely amazing to know there are people here who care enough to ask the simple question "how are you now". Ironically on the best of days these days I don't even get that from my H.
 

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D-day: February 27th @ 6pm


- I know the girl. She has always been rude and mean to me anytime I had any encounters with me. She has a child, a boyfriend AND a girlfriend. She believes in open relationships but her boyfriend who she lives with does not.
- I feel like I'm having a Sandra Bullock moment. She is the anti-me. She has tattoos, fake boobs and a vulgar personality.
When woman are rude to a wife for no reason such as secretaries or supposed friends, it is a red flag for an affair or flirtation, according to books on infidelity.

I had similar situations throughout the years with my STBEH who I now suspect to be a serial cheater although I only have proof of one affair.

Occasionally a woman from the gym or work would be incredibly rude to me even though I barely knew her and went out of my way to be nice to her.

I now believe my STBEH was having an affair with them.

Your are likely only seeing the tip of the iceberg.

I am sorry you are here.
 

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im really sorry you've joined this particular club:( I hope you're doing ok still.

For what it's worth, I wish I would have slapped my ex when i found out about his activities.

Have you gotten tested for STD's yet?
 
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