Sorry, but this background is a bit long....
H & I have been married for 14 yrs, both 34 yrs old and since we've been married, have lived in 4 different states in order to advance his career. We had children early in marriage but they are now pre-teens/teenagers. We don't argue often but for the past 9 years or so have a pretty big fight about once a year-18 months or so. A few of the biggest centered around A) his irritation about me talking to my friends about our relationship (mainly about things that I was upset about) which about 4 years ago I agreed NOT to discuss our relationship with any of our friends; and B) my LD, which at the time I contributed to exhaustion of having small children while working an average of 60 hrs/week in addition to a medical condition after having my youngest which made sex painful. With these big fights, I have felt like we got closer because I feel like it takes a BIG fight before he'll communicate with me, and that issues that he wants me to work on finally come out. But he has stated he feels more disconnected with each one of these big fights.
Finally, medical issue resolved, but although our frequency increased, it was still not enough and was the subject of a large argument about 5 yrs ago and again about 2.5 yrs ago. The last time, my husband began with purchasing 2 books, "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" and "Secrets about Women every Man Should Know". He read the 1st book before giving to me, but despite his good intentions, never got around to reading the 2nd.
After I read the 1st book, I felt I understood him more, but after I read the 2nd, even though it was supposed to be his guide to understand me, I felt I FINALLY really understood his way of thinking, which I thought brought us closer together and more in sync in bed. My desire has steadily increased over the past 2 years to the point where I'd be happy with daily relations, if not 2-3 times per day.
Even so, over the past year he has mentioned twice now that basically "if I don't take care of him to his satisfaction, he's gone". The first time it irritated me, but thought he was joking until he repeated it a second time which brought me to point out how "not funny" that was. He responded telling me it was no joke, but he was dead serious (this was just this past June). During this same period of time, I was working on spicing things up, only to feel rejected on a continual basis either because he'd roll over & go to bed when I'd try to initiate things or because he was unable to perform; although, for the record, during this time if we started & he was unable, he ALWAYS made sure I was able to finish even if he wasn't. So for a while, even though I knew my desire was outpacing his, I didn't realize his was decreasing, but instead I thought he was less attracted to me or that I was not pleasing him. He's always been quiet, and despite my requests for any type of feedback on technique or fantasies, etc. I never EVER got any. It's always been me introducing new things, such as toys, positions, movies, buying lingerie, arranging overnight stays in hotels kid free, etc. I even bought Laura Corn's book "101 nights of Great Sex" last November. He did tear out one wonderful night compared to my dozen or so. I'd ask him about his desire & he'd assure me there was nothing wrong with me, & said it just wasn't his thing, which I tried to accept even though I'd feel inadequate over & over. Trying not to take things personally, I would research, read, & ask for advice on how to excite him with little to no luck, feeling more upset that I was "unable to please him" and that based on his comments that if he wasn't satisfied, he'd find what he needed elsewhere, I was feeling increasingly worthless and like a complete failure.
Anyway, last week, after about 3 weeks of only seeing/talking to him in passing due to conflicting schedules, I arranged a date night aimed with a fresh waxing (basically from head to toe), brand new bra & underwear (which was discovered by him while I was getting ready for our date because it was warm in the house so I didn't want to put my dress on before I was ready to walk out the door, which he seemed excited about initially), new lingerie for after dinner outfit , got all dressed up in a sexy dress/heels, complete with an erotic film, can of whipped cream and myself planned for dessert. We had a great dinner and were home within 2 hours. I changed into my after dinner wear, which he said he liked, introduced my movie, for which he got naked, then promptly rolled over & fell asleep. SERIOUSLY! He did manage to open his eyes at one point & told me if I was naked, he'd "slip it in" when he woke up (NO JOKE!!). So, I removed my new lingerie, slept bare & woke up at 2 am without him next to me. He was in the office ordering accessories for a truck he just bought & "didn't want to disturb me". Of course I got upset & he felt compelled to try to take care of me despite my anger/hurt/complete lack of desire for him at that second.
Well, the next day he had a Dr appointment to review some lab results after being diagnosed a few months earlier with hypertension/high triglycerides. So, wide awake I started doing some research on the internet and found some correlation between those symptoms & low T. Suddenly I felt a surge of relief that it may NOT be ME, but maybe his health...so right before his appointment I sent him a text asking him to inquire with his doc. Little did I realize what a blow to his ego that would be, honestly. He told me his doctor said that was in no way related & blew it off, then proceeded over the next few days to make sarcastic remarks about it, responding to odd things with "its probably because I have low T".
All of this background builds to this: So in my effort to make myself feel better, I broke our agreement (which if I believe he would not have held me to if he had read the other book because he'd understand a women's need to discuss issues with other women as a fundamental behavior of women rather than an attack on him personally), and discussed it with a friend whom just a few months prior had told me her husband discovered he had low T AFTER having an affair with her best friend. All I mentioned was that he had high triglycerides & hypertension, and she immediately said he should have his T tested, because that was how her H was diagnosed. So I proceeded to tell her about the date night failure 3 days prior. She consoled me and told me she felt it must be related to low T, which made me feel so much better about myself and that the so called rejection may NOT be about me. (forgot to mention earlier that this had got me feeling so bad about myself in the past few months that I started taking anti-depressants in July) This friend's H is friends with my H so I had asked her not to say anything to her H so there were no awkward feelings. However, she did and he brought up our date night to H over drinks last week. He didn't mention anything about the Low T, but I'm pretty sure H thought he knew where he was going with the conversation and now he's beyond angry with me and says he feels "Betrayed". He has made it clear, he wants me to break all ties with this couple (since we are new to this state, I/we have few close friends) but although I acknowledge my wrong-doing, I think that is completely unfair of him to request. He still won't acknowledge the possibility of Low T, but today told me for the first time that for the past year or "its like the check box for desire is now 'unchecked'". I do believe its health related and am willing to be patient and supportive while he gets it back on track, but am I wrong to be a little resentful about his feelings that I "betrayed" him and his demand for me to not continue a friendship because she shared this situation with her H?
I love my husband completely & have worked hard at building a successful marriage. I know he loves me too but cant help buy feeling hurt by his lack of desire and gain a little comfort thinking it may be biological/physiological rather than about me personally. I acknowledged I was wrong to talk about him to a friend and have apologized while also explaining my side (that of not talking trash about him, but seeking advice out of love for him & our marriage), but he refuses to see things from my perspective. Am I being too selfish?
H & I have been married for 14 yrs, both 34 yrs old and since we've been married, have lived in 4 different states in order to advance his career. We had children early in marriage but they are now pre-teens/teenagers. We don't argue often but for the past 9 years or so have a pretty big fight about once a year-18 months or so. A few of the biggest centered around A) his irritation about me talking to my friends about our relationship (mainly about things that I was upset about) which about 4 years ago I agreed NOT to discuss our relationship with any of our friends; and B) my LD, which at the time I contributed to exhaustion of having small children while working an average of 60 hrs/week in addition to a medical condition after having my youngest which made sex painful. With these big fights, I have felt like we got closer because I feel like it takes a BIG fight before he'll communicate with me, and that issues that he wants me to work on finally come out. But he has stated he feels more disconnected with each one of these big fights.
Finally, medical issue resolved, but although our frequency increased, it was still not enough and was the subject of a large argument about 5 yrs ago and again about 2.5 yrs ago. The last time, my husband began with purchasing 2 books, "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" and "Secrets about Women every Man Should Know". He read the 1st book before giving to me, but despite his good intentions, never got around to reading the 2nd.
After I read the 1st book, I felt I understood him more, but after I read the 2nd, even though it was supposed to be his guide to understand me, I felt I FINALLY really understood his way of thinking, which I thought brought us closer together and more in sync in bed. My desire has steadily increased over the past 2 years to the point where I'd be happy with daily relations, if not 2-3 times per day.
Even so, over the past year he has mentioned twice now that basically "if I don't take care of him to his satisfaction, he's gone". The first time it irritated me, but thought he was joking until he repeated it a second time which brought me to point out how "not funny" that was. He responded telling me it was no joke, but he was dead serious (this was just this past June). During this same period of time, I was working on spicing things up, only to feel rejected on a continual basis either because he'd roll over & go to bed when I'd try to initiate things or because he was unable to perform; although, for the record, during this time if we started & he was unable, he ALWAYS made sure I was able to finish even if he wasn't. So for a while, even though I knew my desire was outpacing his, I didn't realize his was decreasing, but instead I thought he was less attracted to me or that I was not pleasing him. He's always been quiet, and despite my requests for any type of feedback on technique or fantasies, etc. I never EVER got any. It's always been me introducing new things, such as toys, positions, movies, buying lingerie, arranging overnight stays in hotels kid free, etc. I even bought Laura Corn's book "101 nights of Great Sex" last November. He did tear out one wonderful night compared to my dozen or so. I'd ask him about his desire & he'd assure me there was nothing wrong with me, & said it just wasn't his thing, which I tried to accept even though I'd feel inadequate over & over. Trying not to take things personally, I would research, read, & ask for advice on how to excite him with little to no luck, feeling more upset that I was "unable to please him" and that based on his comments that if he wasn't satisfied, he'd find what he needed elsewhere, I was feeling increasingly worthless and like a complete failure.
Anyway, last week, after about 3 weeks of only seeing/talking to him in passing due to conflicting schedules, I arranged a date night aimed with a fresh waxing (basically from head to toe), brand new bra & underwear (which was discovered by him while I was getting ready for our date because it was warm in the house so I didn't want to put my dress on before I was ready to walk out the door, which he seemed excited about initially), new lingerie for after dinner outfit , got all dressed up in a sexy dress/heels, complete with an erotic film, can of whipped cream and myself planned for dessert. We had a great dinner and were home within 2 hours. I changed into my after dinner wear, which he said he liked, introduced my movie, for which he got naked, then promptly rolled over & fell asleep. SERIOUSLY! He did manage to open his eyes at one point & told me if I was naked, he'd "slip it in" when he woke up (NO JOKE!!). So, I removed my new lingerie, slept bare & woke up at 2 am without him next to me. He was in the office ordering accessories for a truck he just bought & "didn't want to disturb me". Of course I got upset & he felt compelled to try to take care of me despite my anger/hurt/complete lack of desire for him at that second.
Well, the next day he had a Dr appointment to review some lab results after being diagnosed a few months earlier with hypertension/high triglycerides. So, wide awake I started doing some research on the internet and found some correlation between those symptoms & low T. Suddenly I felt a surge of relief that it may NOT be ME, but maybe his health...so right before his appointment I sent him a text asking him to inquire with his doc. Little did I realize what a blow to his ego that would be, honestly. He told me his doctor said that was in no way related & blew it off, then proceeded over the next few days to make sarcastic remarks about it, responding to odd things with "its probably because I have low T".
All of this background builds to this: So in my effort to make myself feel better, I broke our agreement (which if I believe he would not have held me to if he had read the other book because he'd understand a women's need to discuss issues with other women as a fundamental behavior of women rather than an attack on him personally), and discussed it with a friend whom just a few months prior had told me her husband discovered he had low T AFTER having an affair with her best friend. All I mentioned was that he had high triglycerides & hypertension, and she immediately said he should have his T tested, because that was how her H was diagnosed. So I proceeded to tell her about the date night failure 3 days prior. She consoled me and told me she felt it must be related to low T, which made me feel so much better about myself and that the so called rejection may NOT be about me. (forgot to mention earlier that this had got me feeling so bad about myself in the past few months that I started taking anti-depressants in July) This friend's H is friends with my H so I had asked her not to say anything to her H so there were no awkward feelings. However, she did and he brought up our date night to H over drinks last week. He didn't mention anything about the Low T, but I'm pretty sure H thought he knew where he was going with the conversation and now he's beyond angry with me and says he feels "Betrayed". He has made it clear, he wants me to break all ties with this couple (since we are new to this state, I/we have few close friends) but although I acknowledge my wrong-doing, I think that is completely unfair of him to request. He still won't acknowledge the possibility of Low T, but today told me for the first time that for the past year or "its like the check box for desire is now 'unchecked'". I do believe its health related and am willing to be patient and supportive while he gets it back on track, but am I wrong to be a little resentful about his feelings that I "betrayed" him and his demand for me to not continue a friendship because she shared this situation with her H?
I love my husband completely & have worked hard at building a successful marriage. I know he loves me too but cant help buy feeling hurt by his lack of desire and gain a little comfort thinking it may be biological/physiological rather than about me personally. I acknowledged I was wrong to talk about him to a friend and have apologized while also explaining my side (that of not talking trash about him, but seeking advice out of love for him & our marriage), but he refuses to see things from my perspective. Am I being too selfish?