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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
i found out 3 weeks ago that my fiancee of 2 1/2 years had been cheating on me with some f--kface that she met at her work, a couple of days prior she had said she wanted to move out on her own which set off some alarms in my head so i went through her phone and found all kinds of texts to mr f--kface of an extremely explicit nature about what they had done, i kicked her out that night and am trying to cope as best as i can but the wound she left doesn't seem to be getting any better, i'm hoping somebody here can offer me some advice on how to deal with this because i'm having a very difficult time with it.
additional details: she was my first really serious relationship, i know i still love her but don't know if i'm still in love with her
 

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i found out 3 weeks ago that my fiancee of 2 1/2 years had been cheating on me with some f--kface that she met at her work, a couple of days prior she had said she wanted to move out on her own which set off some alarms in my head so i went through her phone and found all kinds of texts to mr f--kface of an extremely explicit nature about what they had done, i kicked her out that night and am trying to cope as best as i can but the wound she left doesn't seem to be getting any better, i'm hoping somebody here can offer me some advice on how to deal with this because i'm having a very difficult time with it.
additional details: she was my first really serious relationship, i know i still love her but don't know if i'm still in love with her
Do exactly what you are doing. If you are still in love with her and want t "try", I would look up the 180, and begin that. She must cut all ties to him and become completely transparent to you. Personally, if you are young, and have no kids, I would just call it. You are in for a lifetime of doubt and looking over your shoulder. It just may not be worth it. But only you can decide that for yourself. Sometimes even bad decisions are good when you learn from them...
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You are doing the right thing. It is tough being that this is your first relationship but you dodged a bullet not marrying her. You will hopefully be meeting someone in the future who will truly love and respect you unlike like this girl. It would be a good idea for you to get tested for STD's as well. Good luck.
 

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Before marriage?? Uh keep on going unless you want to be back here 5 years and 2 kids with child support payments later. You sound like a winner in the end. No substitute for time.
 

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Okay, she was/is your fiance.

She cheated prior to the marriage, she is not committed to you and still wants to play the field.

If you "R" this betrayal will always be part of your memory of what she has done to you. Not saying you can't get past this with a lot of work on her part but it will always be the ELEPHANT in the room.

The question you will always have is Why did she do this to you? Don't know if you will ever get the answer you want.
This also tells you prior to you marrying her that her character is not what you thought it was.

If you decide to move on you owe her nothing at this time and she owes you everything.

Marriage is tough enough, why marry someone that you will never fully trust again?
 

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You are doing the right thing. It is tough being that this is your first relationship but you dodged a bullet not marrying her. You will hopefully be meeting someone in the future who will truly love and respect you unlike like this girl. It would be a good idea for you to get tested for STD's as well. Good luck.
:iagree:

All of the above. But first make the sign of the cross, drop to your knees - even if you are not that religious - and thank whatever deity opened your eyes. Whenever you feel let-down, just remember that this WOULD have happened again - probably when you had kids, a mortgage, a mountain of debt and no way out.

Take a bit of time to reflect on what you want from life. Work out your stresses out at a gym - go for a daily jog at either the start of the day or the end for at least an hour. You'll be fit and quite a catch for a worthy girl in the not to distant future. It's not the end of the world.
 

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You were living together? Then in my opinion it was as if she cheated on a husband, not just a boy friend.

How long did the affair last? Was he the only one? What are her intentions toward you, now?

What are your intentions towards her, now?
 

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You only found out 3 weeks ago that the woman you intended to marry was cheating on you.

You are not over the shock of what she has done. You probably do still love her - those feelings do not go away overnight and they amplify the pain you are in.

Since she said she wanted to move out, she was already gone. She was already cheating for who knows how long.

Try to stay occupied. Work out. Go out with friends. Take a vacation. Get away for a while.

Time is the only thing that will heal you now. In a few weeks you will start to feel anger towards her. Then in a couple of months you will start to feel resentment. Then you will start to feel nothing for her but pity.

You dodged the bullet with her. But then with a 2 1/2 year engagement, one of you already knew that marriage was not for you.
 

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Ugh sorry to hear that. Just keep telling yourself "I dodged a pretty big ****ing bullet" until you believe it.
 
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3 weeks, still in a complete mess. Fog. Dazed and confused.
1 month, things become slightly clearer.
3 months, start getting your head round it. Start making some kind of normality, in some way, again.
6 months, head straighter. I hope you keep away from her, this will be the point at which you are looking forward more instead of back, and inwards.
1 year, moving forward truly positively. And glad you got rid of the crap. And her. I hope.

Please don't go back with her. If she is doing this now there is no hope for a solid and safe and loving marriage. Move on and be thankful you found her out now and not 5 years down the line.
 

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You sound young. The average male age at first marriage is like 29 in the US.

Heal. Then date again. Go to the mirror and tell yourself you deserve a loyal woman.

Oh and she owes you the ring back.

Edit don't get back with her. Healing takes time tho I know someone who met wife2 about 3 months out and they are 12 years into an very happy marriage. Healing can take 1 month. It can take 3 months. It can take a year. Depends on the person.
 

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Omni,

You may not realize it now and it may be hard for you to understand or believe but you just dodged a HUGE bullet on this one!

You're engaged and the two of you are all each other should be able to see. Knowing that she's allowed herself to be soiled numerous times by another man during your engagement would be too much for me to even speak with her again. What (or who) do you think she'd be doing a year or two into the marriage?

Run! Run fast and far from this one and find a woman who will be true to you and love only you!
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
You were living together? Then in my opinion it was as if she cheated on a husband, not just a boy friend.

How long did the affair last? Was he the only one? What are her intentions toward you, now?

What are your intentions towards her, now?
I'm honestly not sure what my feelings toward her now, I still love her but hate what she did, as to her intentions and the details of her affair I honestly don't know, she refuses to talk to me now
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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thank you all for your responses so far, this is still a very fresh and deep wound but it gives me hope and comfort to read your words, I know I don't want to get back with her, in spite of how much I still love her I don't think I'm in love with her anymore, I'll try to make regular updates on this thread on the hopes that my experience and the advice on this thread will help others who are going through the same earthshattering betrayal
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Run now.

If it were a drunken ons I can see forgiveness.

That wasnt the case. She is not committed to getting/being married.

Run. And I'm sorry.
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she refuses to talk to me now
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Perfect! Keep it that way.

And Omni, I'm not trying to be clever or a wizeass. I mean it sincerely. Keep it that way.
 

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Thank you all for your responses so far, this is still a very fresh and deep wound but it gives me hope and comfort to read your words, I know I don't want to get back with her, in spite of how much I still love her I don't think I'm in love with her anymore, I'll try to make regular updates on this thread on the hopes that my experience and the advice on this thread will help others who are going through the same earthshattering betrayal
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omni, I'm not sure how old you are, but I've got a son in his mid-twenties who is living with his girlfriend, and I love her to death.

Having said that, if he were to come to me with your sitch I would counsel him to move out of their apartment, or move her out.

Separate to your respective 'corners of the ring'. Spend some time apart and clear your minds to get rid of the living-together clutter you've accumulated.

Revisit your relationship when you've both had time to cool down. You may find that she wasn't what you had in mind, after all.
 

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Omni stick around. Perspective 1 week 2 weeks 1 month 2 months out showing your healing process are useful guides to show there IS life after betrayal.

Read the whole thread in my signature. You aren't where he is yet.

BTW generically how old are you? IE mid twenties or whatever.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Omni stick around. Perspective 1 week 2 weeks 1 month 2 months out showing your healing process are useful guides to show there IS life after betrayal.

Read the whole thread in my signature. You aren't where he is yet.

BTW generically how old are you? IE mid twenties or whatever.
Early twenties
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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
today is one of the bad days, stuck at home with nothing to do and my mind keeps playing the what if game with me, the initial anger i felt is slowly being replaced by jealousy and a profound sadness the likes of which i've never felt before now, it keeps me up late and wakes me up early, even though i know i'm hungry i don't feel like eating, the thought of her f--king around while i was at work just keeps circling around my head, post on here seems to be pretty cathartic so maybe this will help some
 
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