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Discussion Starter #1
I don't exactly know how to deal with this relationship and my trust problems anymore. What happened was that a few months ago I found out that my boyfriend had a crush on a girl from work (she no longer works there) and they had been texting. When confronted with it, he admitted it and told her they could no longer be friends. I had this strange suspicion that something was going on so I checked his phone this past weekend.... he had talked to twice in the week. I immediately confronted him and he apologized and said it was because he heard she was coming back to work and wanted to lay ground rules. It also turns out that they have been friends on facebook. He deleted her friendship and phone number. He gave me his passwords to his cell phone account. I looked last night and saw that he was possibly texting her just last night and the night before. He denies that it was her but refused to tell whose number it was saying that it was too much. I have a 4 year old daughter who is absolutely in love with him and I don't know what to do! I don't believe him. He's been consistently lying to me. He is starting therapy to deal with his insecurities and I just don't know where to go or what to do with myself. I stupidly feel bad for him because he feels so horrible about the whole situation. I know it had to be her last night. When looking at the phone calls from the week before, that number matches the calls I saw on his phone. I don't want to break my daughter’s heart again with another man leaving her life. I love this man. I don't know how to get past this or to trust. I don't know where to go from here! Obviously don't want to talk to any friends or family about this. Someone please give me some guidance. I'm desperate.
 

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This is a boyfriend? Do you live together? Can you say more about your situation/history with this man?

I'd like to hear more, but regardless this is really bad. These red flags can not be discounted, This isn't only about you. Your dealing with the well being and development of a small child. You have to do what is best for her. The "consistantly lying" part is the deal breaker here. This is a huge warning sign, a crystal ball. at this point in your relationship, if these things behaviors are evident it doesn't bode well. Taking into account anything that he does to you may directly effect your daughters development and her future well being... My knee jerk advice would be RUN. Get out now, there is simply to much at stake to take this gamble.
 

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He is 24 and I am 27. We do not live together. We have been together for a year and have plans to move together in a few months. He is starting his last semester of his Masters Degree in Community Counseling. He is going to start working on his PHD shortly thereafter and we have plans to move to the area of the school. These are horrible red flags. Part of me wants to run but I just look at my daughter and think "God, how will I explain this?" She still talks about getting a buzz suit and going to visit my ex-boyfriend (who was not her father). It makes me feel better that he is going to start therapy to deal with his own issues and is wanting to go together after he's dealt with his own things. I want to try to make it work but I don't know how.
 

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just think what you will have to explain to your daughter years down the line after you've married him and he continues to cheat?


now is better to demonstrate to your daughter that a women must respect herself enough to know when it's time to let go
 

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Dump him. He's cheating on you and not committed to you. You are lucky that you haven't married him and don't have kids with him. You are lucky that he is showing you how little he values you and your relationship before you are married.

When your daughter is a teenager, she will not even remember this guy. If you marry him and have another child, your daughter will then have to face losing her step-dad at a more vulnerable age, or she will see marriage as a man cheating on a woman, who is supposed to accept it.

Get out and don't look back. You gave him a second chance and then a third chance. Don't give him a fourth chance. He's made his choice and it's her, not you.
 

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It makes me feel better that he is going to start therapy to deal with his own issues and is wanting to go together after he's dealt with his own things. I want to try to make it work but I don't know how.
Give me a break. Is he hearing voices in his head telling him to cheat on you? Does he believe this other woman is really his dead grandmother trying to tell him family secrets? Those are legitimate psychological issues. And I would advise you to avoid getting married to a man with such severe psychological issues.

A man claiming that he has "issues" that motivate him to cheat on you is just blowing smoke. Everybody has "issues". He knows what is right and what is wrong and he's choosing to do the wrong thing. It's that simple. And I advise you to avoid getting married to a man who can choose to do the wrong thing after promising not to multiple times.
 

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There is no way to ice this over Steph. The writing is on the wall and it's clear. A year in? This is a no brainer, don't do this to yourself, and to your daughter. Get out now. You think this is going to hurt? You have no idea how much worse this could be.

He has already shown you who he is and what he is capable of, trust him.
 

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Ugh... I know that you're all right. Bottom line is that I do need to leave him. He's leaving for drill today, he's stopping at my work before but obviously that's not an appropriate location/time to talk about this. I feel so effin weak and stupid! I have 3 options going through my head right now.

1. Walk in on Sunday and say "Here's the deal: show me your phone and admitt it now or I am walking out of the door and you'll never see me again" Different outcomes/options:
* I see the phone and the messages are there and it's her
* I see the phone and he has deleted the messages, then it was her and he's trying to hide it.
* I see the phone and it is someone else and I've brought this all back up for nothing.
* He refuses to show me.

2. Walk in on Sunday and say "I can't do this. I can't trust you. Goodbye."

3. See him today before he leaves and say "I will not be there Sunday. I believe you're lying and I can't trust you."

And we all know it's going to be a short and as easy as that! *Sarcasim* LOL
 

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Steph:

He is showing you EXACTLY who he is; this is unlikely to change. Not even living together or married and already, this kind of betrayal? Don't allow your daughter to grow up believing that this is the way women deserve to be treated...

Best of luck.
 

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DUMP this dude. And really think...are the plan you guys having mostly one sided? I mean, are YOU running the relationship? Just step back and I bet things don't happen.

Sorry you are going through this, but get out now before you're tied to him with a lease or *gasp* a baby!
 

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This is a very new relationship. He's been lying and cheating. IMHO it's not worth the effort. When a couple has been married for some time it can be worth the effort to recover that relationship because of the years and children together. But you really have nothing together.

As far as your daughter goes, let this and your past relationships be your guide... do not get her involved in any relationship you have with a man until you are well beyond this stage.. or at least teach her to not get attached to the men going in and out of your life.
 

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I think you should go with option 3. End it ASAP. He cheated, promised he would stop, and didn't. Does it really matter if he stopped after the second time he promised or if he didn't?

Besides, I can almost guarantee he didn't stop. A remorseful cheater understands your need to verify and is contrite. A remorseful cheater doesn't hide evidence and dare you to find something that will prove them wrong.

Just get out while the getting's good.
 
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