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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So I am not married, but it has to do with someone who is, I would like that perspective.

I have been infatuated with a guy since college (I don't think I can consider it love anymore). For whatever reason, I always believed we would end up together ... until his actions led me to be distrustful of him, he met someone else (probably better suited to what he wants out of life), and married her a few months ago. I did not handle this situation well, primarily because I had no idea what was going on until they moved in together. I realize the friendship was very one-sided - I often felt he was being polite, although that usually led to an argument in which he denied it.

I struggled letting go of him and was devastated. I am starting to feel better, and feel like I am beginning to make peace with his decision.

We share a similar vocation, so as I have been stressing about something at work. I broke down and asked him for his help. I immediately regreted it, I know he is married and hearing from me is probably not something he wants anymore. I didn't use my best judgment, but honestly, I didn't think he would respond. Surprisingly, he said yes.

I sent him my problem, and did not hear back from him. I've asked for help and he responded quickly, so I dind't know what to think. I didn't want to push it, but I didn't have much time left either. I started to think that maybe asking for his help on work was inappropriate (I kind of hoped it would clear the air too, we ended our friendship on such bad terms), and I had a hope his saying yes might mean he felt the same too. All in my mind - he was as brief as I in communication through email - so I couldn't really read into anything. My guilt and anger with myself for contacting him at all got the best of me, I sent him a quick response that I had found a decent solution to my problem and I thanked him for his willingness to help. I dwelled on my actions a little more, and ended up apologizing for contacting him in the first place and telling him it wouldn't happen again. I don't know what I did that made him so upset, but he was really angry and got thought I was expecting him to drop everything to help me and that wasn't my intention at all.

I contacted him for help and regretted it. I hope he didn't feel it was necessary, because I tried to tell him it was something I wanted to do but could find an alternative if it was too difficult for an "intermediate" like me. I tried to take his willingness to help at face value - that he meant he would help me. I still needed to find a solution, and in my own world and head I asked for help from someone and in the meantime came up with a solution of my own. A little inconvenient, but better since he might not have had the time to help (or even want to). I thought it was win-win for both of us. My apology - I don't know anymore what he wants from me - friendship or not. I can't assume, but I do know he has made no effort to contact me except to reply to something I initiated. Maybe I'm starting to realize I'm throwing myself at a lost cause and need to stop it - I suppose I should have not said anything at all, but I apologized for asking him for help and then so quickly saying forget it. It had nothing to do with him, it had to do with me but he got upset.

I thought I was doing the right thing by chaning my mind and not asking him to help me because of his marriage - I don't know what to think anymore. I know I shouldn't contact him again and I won't, but why did he think I was nitpicking at him because I told him I didn't want his help anymore and apologized for bothering him in the first place?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I know you are right. I was thinking last night and I shouldn't be surprised he was angry. In a way, what I did was very similar to the problems that existed in our relationship before he chose his wife. I would frequently ask him things then back out (i.e., change my mind), and would apologize profusely for asking him things wondering if I was forcing him to be a part of my life. Maybe I'm still reading into it, but I guess somethings are always going to be "hot-button" issues with people.

I know when he assumed I was nit-picking with him I was frustrated - he often got frustrated with me for trying to "read his mind", but I was quite often right ... and he would rarely tell me what was on his mind. He would be vague and dance around the subject, expecting me to understand that his "distance" met leave me alone when he explained it away as being related to a real life problem.

I have to remember that his anger doesn't equal feelings for me, which is why I knew I made a mistake when he said he would help - I gave it meaning it didn't have. His anger represents a frustration with my continued presence in his life, and his unwillingness to say outright he wants me to leave him alone. I know him too well, but if it were me - I would be more direct. He is not. I can't change it, I have to respect it. I thought that was what I was doing by apologizing, but whatever.
 

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Does his wife know about you? If so, she would expect him to have no contact with you. Yet, he was trying to be kind and consider helping you.

He chose her, not you. I'm sure you don't want to cause trouble between he and his wife....right?
 

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You still love him, don't you? Probably just posting on this board about him gives you some sort of "connecting" with him. I sure do understand how you feel. Just keep telling yourself "he doesn't love me, he doesn't love me, he doesn't love me" or something similar like "I'm not a marriage buster." Eventually you will be over him. Try to have as little idle time as possible so you don't think about him. Stay away from sappy t.v. and/or anything that reminds you of him, if you can.
 
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