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Discussion Starter · #23 ·
It's v hard living with an angry person. I did it for many years and you have to walk on eggshells all the time. Plus you have to keep the peace between the angry person and the children. It's exhausting.
I agree I spend most of my time walking so I don’t upset anybody I just want to go back to normal
 

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Discussion Starter · #24 ·
There are anger management classes that are offered free of charge. You just need to look for them. It sounds like your anger is partially fueled by the epilepsy medicine, but a big part is not related to the medicine. You need to contact local organizations, or the epilepsy foundation and ask them if they can recommend any specific resources. Contact your city or your health insurance. They might help you find good and free anger management classes or help you cover the cost if there aren't any in your area. You might be able to find some free anger management classes online that are group classes.
I know it’s the medicine it didn’t progress until after I started talking it I have a dr appointment coming up soon so I will discuss it with them and I have been checking out the free anger management classes online
 

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levetiracetam I’m always in that rare percentage who gets the side effects which sucks
I don't for how long you have been taking this medicine, but my son has been on this medicine (max. dosage: 1600mg) for 14 years now. At the beginning he was very irritable, but it wasn't only the medicine. He was in his early teens and questioning why epilepsy was happening to him. He had a therapist for a while (grudgingly I should say; I wanted him to go, but he didn't; therapy helped him a good deal), and I think his body kind of got used to the medicine. He has some anger episodes, but they are rare, and I don't think they are due to the medicine. His father had anger management problems and he used to explode in front of the kids. I think the scenes he caused are hard to erase from the kids' memory, and it happened that the most vulnerable is repeating this behavior. I've learned to remain calm when he has one of these episodes(which are very rare these days) and I would just not react; this tends to calm him down.
Hope your doctor will give you some helpful advice. In my son's situation, anger management is caused by a combination of factors, and we worked at each separately. To show your wife that you are truly remorseful, you need to work on your situation and not let it control you.
 

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Is it really the medicine? It seems the emotional cheating may be the real cause of your anger? And the anger goes way way back, am I right? Are you punishing her as a way of dealing with the guilt of the emotional affair? And what is the reason you push her away with the attacks and the affair if you love her?

You say you don’t want to lose her but you didn’t think this way when you were chatting with the other woman, being angry etc you told you wife during this phase you didn’t want her?

Maybe it would help to explore this, I’m not coming from a place of judgement either, it is worth digging into because you did speak of it at length. That too must have been more abusive as you were clearly pushing her away then and openly saying it to her.

How do you love your wife? How have you loved her in the past?

I ask because it’s often a long history of emotional cheating, severe anger and abuse, admitting the partner is the target, then when the spouse has enough the perpetrator claims to really love the partner and is desperate not to lose them. These stories and patterns are common. Does this make sense?

What do you love about your wife now and when you first met? What did you love about the other woman? All questions to really think about.
 

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‘I screwed up twice in the past with the same woman, never had sex with her just emotional cheating. I told my wife I didn’t want her in the process of this and it hurt her so bad. I didn’t mean it but I was angry so anyway fast forward to now.’

For example, this was 7 years ago - an episode of anger. Quite explosive and the damage here would have been extensive.

But you later also say, ‘I’ve never been this way before I was the king of patience... she was abusive to me’

So we do have a pattern and quite a bit of deflection and blame shifting too, as well as very little concern for how she must have been feeling, almost flippant, ‘so anyway fast forward, but she was like this to me’ ect.

So it’s great that you’ve recognised you have a problem - big step! Great too that you can say you hate how you do this.

Tell us, how does your wife feel after these episodes and how do you think she would have been feeling all these years? What happens to her eyes and her body in the moment, in the days after.

If you could speak in her voice and describe what your anger does to her, what would she be saying?

Can you visualise what she does when she is alone with her pain when you’re not there? does she cry in a ball on the floor away from the kids? Or describe to us what this looks like as you are watching it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #30 · (Edited)
Is it really the medicine? It seems the emotional cheating may be the real cause of your anger? And the anger goes way way back, am I right? Are you punishing her as a way of dealing with the guilt of the emotional affair? And what is the reason you push her away with the attacks and the affair if you love her?

You say you don’t want to lose her but you didn’t think this way when you were chatting with the other woman, being angry etc you told you wife during this phase you didn’t want her?

Maybe it would help to explore this, I’m not coming from a place of judgement either, it is worth digging into because you did speak of it at length. That too must have been more abusive as you were clearly pushing her away then and openly saying it to her.

How do you love your wife? How have you loved her in the past?

I ask because it’s often a long history of emotional cheating, severe anger and abuse, admitting the partner is the target, then when the spouse has enough the perpetrator claims to really love the partner and is desperate not to lose them. These stories and patterns are common. Does this make sense?

What do you love about your wife now and when you first met? What did you love about the other woman? All questions to really think about.
Wow very good information. So my wife was hurt I seen the hurt in her eyes and I immediately tried to apologize but it’s was to late. We are currently separated I just sleep on the couch which doesn’t help my broken back. Last night we talked a little she loves me but I have to work on myself and I am. My wife went from a hurricane to mild rain and I loved the change I was there for her day and night helping her change. I’ve been beaten by her house destroyed and everything else but I insured her I wasn’t going anywhere we will work this out. She had a terrible childhood so I understood why she was like that. I’m not saying I want her to do the same. It’s very hard to see the person you care for hurt and know it’s because of you. I know she cry’s when she is alone it sucks because all I want to do is comfort her. I do deflect a lot so I will give you the information on the other time in detail. I do love my wife when we first met it was on MySpace and we wasn’t looking for love just people to talk to and we talked for awhile and I invited her to come visit me she stayed in Cali I stayed in Alabama so I bought her a round ticket she didn’t come which I understood I could of been a serial killer or something but I bought her a phone so we can communicate and we talked on the phone every day and night I fell asleep with her on the phone and woke up with her still on the phone I truly loved her but I didn’t say that to her so June of that year she asked if she can visit me on my birthday and I said yes so I bought her another ticket and she came it only supposed to be for a visit but she stayed we got married and had kids. We moved back to California because that is where her family is and I wanted her to be with her family plus it was a better opportunity for me to provide for them. Deep down I’m angry because I’m afraid of losing her so I push away everyone in my life leaves me no one in my family call me to check in I call no one answers he’ll as a teenager my mom worked at my school and didn’t speak to me for 2 years (my parents separated and she moved out). Talking about this is really opening my eyes I’m more angry at my family than anyone. My wife and I recently found out she has a incurable disease no it’s not a std but it hit us hard I think me more than her. She told me not to worry about it but I can’t help it. I hold in everything because I see her in pain all the time I help her and do anything she needs I help her shower and whip her after she use the bathroom if she can’t do it. That’s why I’m so upset with myself because I snapped and the first thing I do when I’m mad is try to make whoever is in the line of fire feel the way I was. She didn’t deserve that at all. And my emotional cheating was with my ex I was trying to get closure and couldn’t because she knows everything about me and how to use it against me and like usual I fell for it not even knowing I was until it was to late. I didn’t hide my wife had full access to my conversation with her and she noticed what she was doing and said end it and I did. The second time we was in the same neighborhood and saw her at a store we spoke she was with her man so I didn’t think nothing of it but I ended up seeing her again at a park and she told me she wanted me back I told my wife because I didn’t want any problems she got mad at me because I was talking to her again but I wasn’t she walked up on me at the park that made me mad and that was when I told her we shouldn’t be together because you can’t trust me even when I’m open to you. That was the first time I said those words and neither time I meant it but it’s a pattern with me I try to hurt you first. I admit my ex hurt me bad and I haven’t fully gotten over it it’s been years but every time I see her it feels fresh. No man should feel like this over and ex but I hold on to everything and that is why I explode sadly I only exploded twice in my life and it happened to be with my wife. Anyway back on topic I still love my wife I fell in love with her just for her attitude toward life she had a goal and a plan to get there. I also feel like I ruin that plan because she got pregnant and with my work she wasn’t able to do what she wanted we had no support for any one to watch the kids or anything so I worked she stayed home. Honestly I just feel like I ruined her life she told me this before. She is still the love of my life and I will fight the world for her but I have to fight myself to protect her right now. Everyone thinks I’m a monster and I’m not just don’t think before my actions. I rub her feet and back every night. I cry myself to sleep because I hurt her. I tell her she’s beautiful and I love her every day. It sucks because I am very remorseful about it and everyone who knows me know that’s not my nature. I played that hand and I will live with it weather she take me back or not I’m working on myself. I understand why people go through therapy now cause just talking on this post made me understand stand myself and my problems and where it comes from and I think therapy is a good place for me. Thank everyone for the advice
 

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Discussion Starter · #32 ·
I agree I did stop emotionally cheating on her that was 7 years ago was the last time like I said before I never physically cheated
 

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Cheating is cheating. In fact, emotional cheating may be even more hurtful to some people.

Did you make amends, rebuild trust, etc. or was it something you both just tried to move on from? Sweep under the rug, as they say? When you don't do the work, things don't usually improve. You may still feel guilty / ashamed, if it was never properly dealt with, and that can add to your anger issues.

The anger thing isn't any better. Have you told her how you feel now, that you realize how wrong you were for taking things out on her?

Without blaming her -since you do know it's not her fault- express how wrong it was, how genuinely sorry you are, and how you are willing to do whatever she needs to heal the relationship. That's where I'd start, but you have to follow through. Good luck.
 
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