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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
A lot of people have told me that I deserve better, but I just don't think it's as bad as they do... Or rather, I didn't, now I'm not so sure...

It's a looooong story, but like any long story, it's best told from the beginning. I apologize, but I hope you like to read...

My husband has had an awful life. He was brutally abused by his step father for 14 years. Every abuse possible was used against him, physical, emotional, and even sexual. When he got put into foster care, he was finally able to experience being a kid... and of course he started dating. Like anyone else, he had his good relationships and his bad ones. He entered into the Army, and told me that he had made a promise to himself, that he only had one last shot at a real relationship.

My side of things: I grew up with my older sister, and no we did not get along well. My mom was married and divorced multiple times, and I promised myself I would never get a divorce. When I was older, about 16, I had broken up with my first crush (we had met up for the second time) and I had felt that I had made a mistake. I took it out on me, I was depressed and absolutely hated myself.

I met a few guys here and there, but when I told them I wasn't looking for a relationship, I noticed that I was breaking hearts. (I actually made two 17-year-olds cry... and no I'm not proud of that). So, I decided that I was done hurting people. I meant to swear off relationships for good, but a friend of mine who had moved to the next state because her husband was in the Army, told me she might have found someone for me.

My future husband and I began talking, and I fell in love immediately, which is unusual for me. Usually I only get feelings for someone after I've found out they liked me. Anyway, I promised myself this was my last chance. If I broke his heart I was done.

Later, after we had been married for quite some time, I found out that everything he had told me early on was a lie. He had said he could play base, in reality he could only play base on guitar hero... He lied about other things too. He had said he had never had sex before me, in reality he had sex with my married friend who told me about him, but they hadn't finished because she was sore.......

Some friend. The same friend allowed us to live with them for awhile, but my husband began to hate it there. Our money was going to them. Literally, we'd go to an ATM, pull the money out, and hand it over because they needed it for bills. That left no money for us, or our daughter to be. So we moved out.

Skipping ahead... my husband is now out of the Army, we have moved around 8 times in the past 2 years, and we now have a five month old daughter.

I said before that my husband does not think before he speaks. It seems that trait is getting progressively worse. His abusive childhood has left him with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). He never went overseas because his depression was so bad. Lately, he's started saying that his ex's were sexier than me... A few months ago, he asked me to have a 'free pass' to have sex with another woman. When I said no, he got even by joining a dating site that had a free trial. He's lied to me on countless occasions, and some times I feel like he says things to me just to watch my reaction, to watch me squirm. I've been trying not to react, but I can't help it... I don't know what he really wants, and he makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him. He also says that he married too young, that we were forced to get married, and that I'm too young for him. Yet, he plays video games most of his free time, and we don't spend enough time together...

What do I do? I wanna work it out for our daughter, and because I truly love him. I just want to know how to get him to change and myself to change to better the both of us.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 · (Edited)
Well? Can anyone help me? He's being emotionally abusive, but I feel obligated to stay because of his background, and I really think that's what's causing it.

I have a hard time trusting him, because he tells me that I should be better looking, he's asked for a threesome, and I just don't feel like I'm good enough for him.

I caught a girl flirting with him in an online chat room, and my husband didn't even do anything to stop her. His excuse was that he didn't know but it seemed obvious to me and it was the second incident with the same person. He also told me another chick on the same sight had flirted with him, and the same day he adds her on facebook. I didn't find out about the addition to his friends until he said, "The only difference between her and the girl I cheated on you with before is I don't have her number." (and yes he did cheat on me with someone who I thought was a friend of mine...)

Also, if I ask him who he's talking to he'll call me controlling... I don't do it very often, I'm just suspicious because of his behavior.
 

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His past doesn't give him the right to be hurtful to you, or the right to cheat on you or push you into things you don't want to do. If he's actively trying to fix himself, his background MIGHT cause you to cut him a bit of slack. But only if he's truly working on self improvement.

So... What's he doing to "fix" himself? Why shouldn't you clearly spell out what your expectations are for your marriage, and what the impact is if those expectations are not met. And do not lay this out if you're not willing to follow through on it.

C
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I have told him what I expect, it's just hard for us to sit down and have a good conversation when he's always playing his video games, or working. He just doesn't listen most of the time and I don't like to repeat myself.

I have laid down two simple rules, no flirting, and no lying. At first, he told me that I needed to ask something more reasonable of him. The next day however, he said that he would work on it. So far I've found no signs of flirting, but he lied to me on a few accounts since then and was caught in them.

Another thing is, he doesn't give me any money. I've told him I could control finances better, but he wants to be able to spend his money how he wants, and be allowed to buy whatever he wants. He makes the money, but he just does not know how to save. With a child, if something happens and there's an emergency, we're usually broke by the end of the month... I tried compromising, and asked him if I could control finances for three months, if he felt I could not do it any better than him, he could take the control back. At first he agreed, but he said he's going to be getting more money now and will give me a few hundred to hold onto. Fair enough.

The other thing I want him to work on is to not insult me. I know that might contradict the lying thing somewhat, but he doesn't have to openly tell me I need make-up, or that he's been with better-looking girls. As a result of this, I'm very jealous and have a low self-esteem. He's been complimenting me more the past two days, and hasn't said anything without thinking either, so he's improving their as well. I feel that two days is too short to really tell, but it's a start.

As for me, I know I need to improve on things as well. As I said, I'm very jealous when he talks to women he's never met in person, or when he talks to his ex's. One woman on his facebook is very flirtatious, but she's also married and now pregnant with twins. His ex's he reluctantly unfriended all but one. Now though, there's a new issue. A girl he met on a chat site that neither of us has met in person who has told him "I don't like to be alone." I don't trust her, but I haven't told him to stop talking with her.

The thing I absolutely hate the most is when he web cams with other women. He said he'd only web cam with family or close friends.

Lastly, he needs to work on his communication skills. When he's angry, my husband will not talk to me. He'll completely ignore me and then lie about me to his friends, or stretch the truth. For example, he told the ex he still has on facebook that I hurt my daughter. I would NEVER hurt her on purpose. Last night, we've discussed this. I told him that even if he doesn't want to talk to me, instead of talking to someone else first, he should play a video game until he calms down. He didn't agree or disagree.

Of course, I have my own things I need to improve on, my jealousy being my main issue. I think if he can work with me and stop lying, and not show the obvious signs of flirting/cheating, I can stop being jealous because I won't worry so much.
 
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