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@ashevilwilliams,

What kind of support do you have IRL, not counting your husband who is failing you miserably?

Are you receiving medical care, help with the nursing?

What do you think his dad would do or say, to hear the “complaints” he might have? I would tell any such son he is being a whiny ****, and that he better man up and get his **** together.
 

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That started with UpsideDownWorld above likening porn to romance novels above, which usually happens literally every thread about porn.
It's cute the way some guys assume we run to romance novels when we're not getting pur needs met. I stopped reading that trash once I got put of my teens....I can't keep a straight face because it's so ridiculous.
 

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It's cute the way some guys assume we run to romance novels when we're not getting pur needs met. I stopped reading that trash once I got put of my teens....I can't keep a straight face because it's so ridiculous.
I used to visit the library a lot decades ago, so I might accidentally bring one home, start it, throw up from the sappy milarky, and then take it back, but that's as far as I've gotten. The closest to it I intentionally read, I guess, would be Victorian Gothic classics, which I love. No sex there. Maybe some ankle action. And then once in awhile a light mystery that has a romance subplot. I used to accidentally surf onto the Hallmark Channel which was the same thing, but again, no actual sex.
 

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It’s not cute when discussions get in the way of helping an OP with a serious problem. Please don’t dilute this thread any more. You know how to create your own threads to discuss these off-topic concerns of yours. Continued discussion of them here is very inconsiderate and may chase the OP away.
 
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It’s not cute when discussions get in the way of helping an OP with a serious problem. Please don’t dilute this thread any more. You know how to create your own threads to discuss these off-topic concerns of yours. Continued discussion of them here is very inconsiderate and may chase the OP away.
It absolutely is cute, and since you're worried about off topic things romance novels shouldn't have been brought up and wasn't brought up by me.. Nowhere did the OP say she reads them so to bring that up is a deflection tactic for the real issue, which is that her husband has a wife and baby yet seems to be ok lying about porn and stomping off to daddy's instead of dealing with his wife like a freaking adult and behaving like a husband and father.

The porn use itself is a secondary issue to his bratty 2 year old behavior.
 

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If you don't feel like having sex right now until this issue is resolved, then don't. You need to get into counseling together and see if it's worth keeping him. Not just from the porn, but everything.
Agreed. Look, having a baby is a big deal. It's not as impactful for men, because honestly, the difference in the impact of children on men vs women is like the difference in the impact on the chicken vs the pig at breakfast. That isn't anyone's fault, it's just the way it is, nature is nature. The idea that he has you afraid to be careful of your body while it heals because if he doesn't get sex on-demand in whatever way he last saw on his favorite porn reel he'll cheat and leave you is horrifying. Realizing that you are feeling very vulnerable and emotional right now (understandable, post partum is real and serious, but it's important to be aware of how our hormones can change the way we see things and it's possible that you're still a bit raw, although the porn thing is hurtful always, not to mention really unfair because even porn stars can't complete after they've had a baby), take real stock of this situation and objectively evaluate how he is treating you and how he is reacting to the baby.

Do NOT let him hurt you. I don't care what anyone, anywhere, ever says. Your body is YOUR BODY and he does not have the right to hurt you. Ever. Not saying he did, or would, but just know that you do not have to let anyone, not even your husband, hurt you.
 

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So, I'm 35 and he is 36 and I'm currently 7 Weeks postpartum with our son. About 4 weeks ago me and my husband got into a fight. I woke up tired and a little stressed out - he said I had a tone and he got upset with me. He said that if our son could sleep next to him then maybe he would wake up during the night and feed him. I said I was trying to breastfeed and that's not normal or typical. He was very offended by that and it somehow blew up into a huge fight. At the end of the fight he said he was tired of my **** and he was leaving. He called his dad to come pick him up because his breaks are messed up - I begged him to stay and he did.
Agree with all said @lifeistooshort except this paragraph, particularly the bolded bit.
His effort went unnoticed.
 

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Agree with all said @lifeistooshort except this paragraph, particularly the bolded bit.
His effort went unnoticed.
It was a half ass offer. And he said maybe. Not sure if he's a sound sleeper but if so he shouldn't be sleeping in bed with an infant. Might not notice if he rolled over. And again he said maybe. Maybe isn't good enough.
 

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@DownByTheRiver, love your user name. I have had three children, all breastfed. I am in no way suggesting that this couple doesn't have problems. The dad in this situation is preoccupied with his knock down the pecking order. This is fairly common. It's also common for the dad to try to find some usefulness (problem solve) and the new mom to be frighteningly territorial.
They are new to this, no matter their ages; it is a first child for BOTH of them.
 

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@DownByTheRiver, love your user name. I have had three children, all breastfed. I am in no way suggesting that this couple doesn't have problems. The dad in this situation is preoccupied with his knock down the pecking order. This is fairly common. It's also common for the dad to try to find some usefulness (problem solve) and the new mom to be frighteningly territorial.
They are new to this, no matter their ages; it is a first child for BOTH of them.
I'm not sure running to porn is the solution. I really wouldn't be comfortable with him watching porn with the infant right beside him either. She doesn't want him watching it all anyway. At a time when he should be stepping up and starting to do some adulting, he's burying himself and escaping to porn.
 

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I agree with you @DownByTheRiver. This new life takes two. Both of them need to have patience with each other. They will need it in spades for the baby.
Compromise would be a start, talking with the obgyn together and really making an effort to meet each other half way.
She should pump her milk and take him up on his offer to feed the baby, minus sleeping together if he is a heavy sleeper.
She could wake him.
He needs to bond with the baby too.
 

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It sounds like he was trying to do something nice and helpful for you, and you shot it down. Of course he's going to be upset about that. Have you been letting your husband help with the baby as much as he wants to? He is just as much a parent as you are. Who cares what's "normal"? Do what works for your family, which includes your husband.

It's not clear if you are bedsharing or roomsharing (or both), but if bedsharing the "unsafe" argument can be argued and challenged either way. And even with breastfeeding you can use bottles. By 4-6 weeks postpartum your milk supply is established and its usually fine to introduce bottles. So why can't he feed baby as well? Going all night wouldn't be great for your supply but why not let him take a certain chunk of the night, then switch sides?

Obviously he needs to work on his reaction and how he handles conflict, and you likely do as well. First babies are often hard on a relationship. If this is a new type of reaction from him it could be from the stress and exhaustion that he's likely feeling as well. People tend to forget all about the dad during pregnancy and postpartum but they are going through it as well.

As for the porn... People hide all sorts of things that they know they will be shamed for, *****ed at for, etc. That doesn't make it right, so no I'm not saying that.

However, a guy using porn during the early postpartum days and weeks (or at all) doesn't mean he finds porn stars more attractive, that his wife is fat and ugly, that his wife is now competing with porn stars, and all the other crap certain females here love to spew as if it were fact.

My wife is 8 days postpartum after our 6th baby. Obviously her body is still healing and isn't the same as it once was. Doesn't matter at all to me. Hell, she's been wearing diapers for the past week and I still find her sexy and have a hard time hiding it.

But according to certain females here, I'm obviously lying. I couldn't possibly find my wife attractive anymore, and if I do, it's because she's some super human that doesn't age or show any imperfections.

That's just not reality.

Have you had an honest discussion with him about your insecurities over it? The need to be honest with each other goes both ways.

You both probably need to read about "You" Statements vs "I" Statements and fighting fair. "You always, you never, you did, you didn't" etc will nearly always come off as an attack and immediately make the other person defensive - not a good way to start a conversation.

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So, I already know, you don't have to tell me - porn is a normal guy thing and it's not anything personal. I get that but I need advice on getting my sex drive back.

So, I'm 35 and he is 36 and I'm currently 7 Weeks postpartum with our son. About 4 weeks ago me and my husband got into a fight. I woke up tired and a little stressed out - he said I had a tone and he got upset with me. He said that if our son could sleep next to him then maybe he would wake up during the night and feed him. I said I was trying to breastfeed and that's not normal or typical. He was very offended by that and it somehow blew up into a huge fight. At the end of the fight he said he was tired of my **** and he was leaving. He called his dad to come pick him up because his breaks are messed up - I begged him to stay and he did.

Fast forward about a week and I was asking him to look at what the baby was doing. Asked him multiple times and he was glued to his phone. When he stepped out, I decided to look through his phone and there was a porn site pulled up. He said he was just curious about what NSFW means and he forgot to close the page but he doesn't watch porn.

I checked his phone again because I didn't believe him and he had deleted his history. So I looked at his history in Google accounts and found other stuff. He admitted to watching porn after that first fight but not jerking off because he felt bad. "I had to come back with a boner I was trying to hide from you." He said the reason he did was because of the fight and he felt alone.

I told him I saw other stuff and it became another fight. Escalated and he said he was sick of me again and was going to leave. Begged him to stay. He did.

I still think he watches porn, which upsets me but the gaslighting around it upset me more so I don't want to ask about it ever again.

But - I can't get my sex drive back up. I feel even uglier. I feel fat. I feel gross. And I feel like I have to have sex so I don't loose him to porn - so it takes away the intimacy. I'm starting to dread sex tbh.

Hoooow do I not feel this way? Anyone who's gone through this or have some resources to throw my way?
From what I understand, breast feeding tanks sex drive also.
 

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I find the title of your OP funny. Not in an amusing way, but in a serious outlook.

If we were to take your thread title literally, then mind as well pack it up and split because in a marriage where there's no sex, there's no marriage. Mind as well and divorce now.

From what you exposed here, him watching porn is the least of your problems, but you're centering on it.


I said I was trying to breastfeed and that's not normal or typical.

Where, I mean where the heck you'd get the idea that that's no normal or typical? Do you come from one of those families where sex, and certain man or woman functions are taboo to the other? I ask because that statement is so far out the left field. No wonder why he was offended, and it developed into a bigger issue.

The real problem is that he actually seems to have little regard for you, and you due to post partum haven't reach equilibrium hormonally yet. These are the issues that are really affecting the relationship. He's a **** for not being more understanding of were you are as far as emotions, energy, rest, sleep.

And you, unless the porn watching was a boundary that you requested before marriage, and he's now breaking that boundary, then even though it makes you feel less and ugly, for him and for most men in this world, porn is nothing but a masturbatory aid for a quick release. It has nothing to do, with you, or your whatever it is that you perceive as flaws in your body. Most men can have sex a bunch of times a day, and still they will masturbate. Unless the porn/ masturbation affects your sexual intimacy, by him not being able to perform, then if it wasn't a preset boundary in the relationship, then your nagging and getting into arguments because of it, all it does is to make things worse.

Concentrate on the real issues in your relationship...that of his lack of concern for your needs, his brusk reactions, and your short handle of your emotions. This is a time where a couple, regardless of the hardships that a new baby brings, must compenetrate all their energies, feelings, etc., to do what must be done for the benefit of the best harmonial environment in which to bring this baby up to the next step of his growing.
 

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Porn is a real issue, whether you thought to ask about it before marriage or not. As I said before I quick search will turn up first 500 threads about porn being an issue in marriage just on this site alone. It's not your imagination and it's not your inadequacy or your weakness. Don't let him turn it around and gaslight you to make you feel bad.
 
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