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Porn has many destructive effects. He will be comparing you to paid porn actresses with fake body parts and may start wanting you to do things that only a slave or a paid porn actress would do. At least it sounds like he hasn't reached that point yet.
You are generalizing and what you say is a common false talking point among women. Just because he used porn a couple times doesn't mean squat other than he is a guy and needed some relief after the "newborn celibacy". Where women always go wrong in these arguments is they equate their own sexual urges as the same as a man despite obvious biological differences. Give a woman a steady dose of testosterone comparable to an average male and go on a sexual hiatus. I'd love to see the results of that study.

Also, as far as comparing porn actress to their wives or sexual positions is pure garbage. Maybe this is what women do when they read romance novels? I don't know any men to do that, it's simply a visual tool to get the job done. Men marry the good girl not the town ho with plastic bodies for a reason. It's visual stimuli and about as interesting as it takes you to finish.
 

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So, I already know, you don't have to tell me - porn is a normal guy thing and it's not anything personal. I get that but I need advice on getting my sex drive back.

So, I'm 35 and he is 36 and I'm currently 7 Weeks postpartum with our son. About 4 weeks ago me and my husband got into a fight. I woke up tired and a little stressed out - he said I had a tone and he got upset with me. He said that if our son could sleep next to him then maybe he would wake up during the night and feed him. I said I was trying to breastfeed and that's not normal or typical. He was very offended by that and it somehow blew up into a huge fight. At the end of the fight he said he was tired of my **** and he was leaving. He called his dad to come pick him up because his breaks are messed up - I begged him to stay and he did.

Fast forward about a week and I was asking him to look at what the baby was doing. Asked him multiple times and he was glued to his phone. When he stepped out, I decided to look through his phone and there was a porn site pulled up. He said he was just curious about what NSFW means and he forgot to close the page but he doesn't watch porn.

I checked his phone again because I didn't believe him and he had deleted his history. So I looked at his history in Google accounts and found other stuff. He admitted to watching porn after that first fight but not jerking off because he felt bad. "I had to come back with a boner I was trying to hide from you." He said the reason he did was because of the fight and he felt alone.

I told him I saw other stuff and it became another fight. Escalated and he said he was sick of me again and was going to leave. Begged him to stay. He did.

I still think he watches porn, which upsets me but the gaslighting around it upset me more so I don't want to ask about it ever again.

But - I can't get my sex drive back up. I feel even uglier. I feel fat. I feel gross. And I feel like I have to have sex so I don't loose him to porn - so it takes away the intimacy. I'm starting to dread sex tbh.

Hoooow do I not feel this way? Anyone who's gone through this or have some resources to throw my way?
To start with it's not a 'man thing' because many many men choose not to watch porn. I wouldn't be with a guy who did nor would I have sex with a guy who did. It doesn't surprise me at all that it's badly affected you and your marriage, it's highly damaging for a marriage and the lies make it twice as bad.

What you do about it is up to you. I know a lady who gave her porn using husband an ultimatum, her or the porn. He choose her and stopped but he know she really meant it , it wasn't an idle threat.
 

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You are generalizing and what you say is a common false talking point among women. Just because he used porn a couple times doesn't mean squat other than he is a guy and needed some relief after the "newborn celibacy". Where women always go wrong in these arguments is they equate their own sexual urges as the same as a man despite obvious biological differences. Give a woman a steady dose of testosterone comparable to an average male and go on a sexual hiatus. I'd love to see the results of that study.

Also, as far as comparing porn actress to their wives or sexual positions is pure garbage. Maybe this is what women do when they read romance novels? I don't know any men to do that, it's simply a visual tool to get the job done. Men marry the good girl not the town ho with plastic bodies for a reason. It's visual stimuli and about as interesting as it takes you to finish.
Come on now we all know it wasn't just a couple of times. That just happened to be the times he got caught. Then he lied about it as well.
 

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You are generalizing and what you say is a common false talking point among women. Just because he used porn a couple times doesn't mean squat other than he is a guy and needed some relief after the "newborn celibacy". Where women always go wrong in these arguments is they equate their own sexual urges as the same as a man despite obvious biological differences. Give a woman a steady dose of testosterone comparable to an average male and go on a sexual hiatus. I'd love to see the results of that study.

Also, as far as comparing porn actress to their wives or sexual positions is pure garbage. Maybe this is what women do when they read romance novels? I don't know any men to do that, it's simply a visual tool to get the job done. Men marry the good girl not the town ho with plastic bodies for a reason. It's visual stimuli and about as interesting as it takes you to finish.
He's totally lying how many times it really doesn't matter. I believe that's your faulty talking point. Huge double standard there in the rest of your paragraph.

And frankly I don't know too many women who read romance novels in my lifetime. Most of my friends read a lot more challenging material. Talk about generalizing.
 

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He's totally lying how many times it really doesn't matter. I believe that's your faulty talking point. Huge double standard there in the rest of your paragraph.

And frankly I don't know too many women who read FC romance novels in my lifetime. Most of my friends read a lot more challenging material. Talk about generalizing.
I don't know a single woman who reads romance novels.
 

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I don't know a single woman who reads romance novels.
My mother read a lot and once in awhile one of those was in there but she's the only one I know that read those on purpose. They certainly weren't very racy back then.
 

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If anyone thinks porn isn't an issue in marriage, do what I just did. Go up top to the Search Community bar. Type in "porn" for the keyword. Then check the box that says Titles Only.

The search will return just the first 500 threads with porn in the title.

It isn't just an issue in marriage either but at least if you haven't married someone you can use it as a filter if it's having a negative effect on them and your relationship.
 

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I don't know a single woman who reads romance novels.
I write them but I don’t read them. The plots are overly simplistic and utterly unrealistic and the writing is typically pedantic. 🤪😎 They’re easy and fun to write though. It’s a fun hobby.

I of course wouldn’t DARE speak for all women🙄😂 but I don’t know any women, even those who read them, who expect their husbands (or any man) to behave like men in romance novels. Honestly I wouldn’t advise a woman to act like women do in romance novels. They’re silly.
 

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I write them but I don’t read them. The plots are overly simplistic and utterly unrealistic and the writing is typically pedantic. 🤪😎 They’re easy and fun to write though. It’s a fun hobby.

I of course wouldn’t DARE speak for all women🙄😂 but I don’t know any women, even those who read them, who expect their husbands (or any man) to behave like men in romance novels. Honestly I wouldn’t advise a woman to act like women do in romance novels. They’re silly.
So no Nora Roberts for you then???
 

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@ashevilwilliams, Your husband sounds disconnected and inconsiderate. Not only is he using porn, but he also seems to have no clue how to treat you properly or understand breastfeeding. It appears that he isn't any help with the baby either.

Do you have any help?
 

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I encourage you to look up “Policy of Joint Agreement” and “Sexual Aversion” at the MarriageBuilders.com site.

You may think you are helping your marriage by letting him treat you poorly, but that doesn’t work very well over the long term.



 
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I write them but I don’t read them. The plots are overly simplistic and utterly unrealistic and the writing is typically pedantic. 🤪😎 They’re easy and fun to write though. It’s a fun hobby.

I of course wouldn’t DARE speak for all women🙄😂 but I don’t know any women, even those who read them, who expect their husbands (or any man) to behave like men in romance novels. Honestly I wouldn’t advise a woman to act like women do in romance novels. They’re silly.
I do think fairytales have influence on both little girls and boys and have for a long time. Gives them unrealistic expectations, but at least not the kind where you're asking someone to do things paid porn actresses must do. Fairytales make some people think there is the "one" out there that they are destined for. Truth is a person who can get along with one can usually get a long with quite a few others.
 

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I do think fairytales have influence on both little girls and boys and have for a long time. Gives them unrealistic expectations, but at least not the kind where you're asking someone to do things paid porn actresses must do. Fairytales make some people think there is the "one" out there that they are destined for. Truth is a person who can get along with one can usually get a long with quite a few others.
This thread is supposed to be about the OP’s situation.
 
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Stop begging his highness to stay.

If he wants to have a bratty tantrum and ditch his wife and baby let him go. That's the behavior of a nasty 2 year old. Adults fight, cool off, then face their issues. Next time he pulls that tell him to get the **** out.....threatening to leave is a manipulation tactic.

The porn is another issue...others have given you good advice.
 
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