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So, I already know, you don't have to tell me - porn is a normal guy thing and it's not anything personal. I get that but I need advice on getting my sex drive back.

So, I'm 35 and he is 36 and I'm currently 7 Weeks postpartum with our son. About 4 weeks ago me and my husband got into a fight. I woke up tired and a little stressed out - he said I had a tone and he got upset with me. He said that if our son could sleep next to him then maybe he would wake up during the night and feed him. I said I was trying to breastfeed and that's not normal or typical. He was very offended by that and it somehow blew up into a huge fight. At the end of the fight he said he was tired of my **** and he was leaving. He called his dad to come pick him up because his breaks are messed up - I begged him to stay and he did.

Fast forward about a week and I was asking him to look at what the baby was doing. Asked him multiple times and he was glued to his phone. When he stepped out, I decided to look through his phone and there was a porn site pulled up. He said he was just curious about what NSFW means and he forgot to close the page but he doesn't watch porn.

I checked his phone again because I didn't believe him and he had deleted his history. So I looked at his history in Google accounts and found other stuff. He admitted to watching porn after that first fight but not jerking off because he felt bad. "I had to come back with a boner I was trying to hide from you." He said the reason he did was because of the fight and he felt alone.

I told him I saw other stuff and it became another fight. Escalated and he said he was sick of me again and was going to leave. Begged him to stay. He did.

I still think he watches porn, which upsets me but the gaslighting around it upset me more so I don't want to ask about it ever again.

But - I can't get my sex drive back up. I feel even uglier. I feel fat. I feel gross. And I feel like I have to have sex so I don't loose him to porn - so it takes away the intimacy. I'm starting to dread sex tbh.

Hoooow do I not feel this way? Anyone who's gone through this or have some resources to throw my way?
 

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I can't speak for your H, but I can tell you that I would much rather have sex with the woman I love than to watch porn and masturbate. However, having said that, I have watched porn to revive my ability to fantasize during masturbation when I have gone long periods without couples sex.

I'm not attracted to the women of porn because I don't love them nor can I touch or interact with them. I only watch it to bring back the past memories of sexual encounters. Porn is just a tool for me to use occasionally to help me to take care of my needs.

Being stuck in a sexless marriage for a very long time, was not pleasant. Since you have just had a baby, your H is going through a bit of a famine. Please cut him some slack and try to find a way to bring your attraction to him back up.

I'm sure that you are not ugly, fat, or gross. I'm sure your H just wants you, and is waiting for you to be ready. As a man, I'm not sure of any resources/books/websites to help you out. I will say that the largest sex organ is your brain. Try to use it and please stop dreading sex. You and your H both need sex to keep your marriage intact!

JMHO!
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I can't speak for your H, but I can tell you that I would much rather have sex with the woman I love than to watch porn and masturbate. However, having said that, I have watched porn to revive my ability to fantasize during masturbation when I have gone long periods without couples sex.

I'm not attracted to the women of porn because I don't love them nor can I touch or interact with them. I only watch it to bring back the past memories of sexual encounters. Porn is just a tool for me to use occasionally to help me to take care of my needs.

Being stuck in a sexless marriage for a very long time, was not pleasant. Since you have just had a baby, your H is going through a bit of a famine. Please cut him some slack and try to find a way to bring your attraction to him back up.

I'm sure that you are not ugly, fat, or gross. I'm sure your H just wants you, and is waiting for you to be ready. As a man, I'm not sure of any resources/books/websites to help you out. I will say that the largest sex organ is your brain. Try to use it and please stop dreading sex. You and your H both need sex to keep your marriage intact!

JMHO!
Thank you for your response and I do agree that a sexless marriage would deeply negatively impact our relationship and I really am trying, it just kinda hurts at the moment.

Just to clarify though, I knew this time would be rough on him. I serviced him orally a couple days after getting home from the hospital. We did some non-penitration stuff and then had gentle sex when I was 5 weeks pp. I've still been allowing intimacy. I just don't feel the same anymore. I try to be sexy, make him enjoy it but inwardly when he brings up sexy time I kinda want to cry but I still do it.
 

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So, I already know, you don't have to tell me - porn is a normal guy thing and it's not anything personal. I get that but I need advice on getting my sex drive back.

So, I'm 35 and he is 36 and I'm currently 7 Weeks postpartum with our son. About 4 weeks ago me and my husband got into a fight. I woke up tired and a little stressed out - he said I had a tone and he got upset with me. He said that if our son could sleep next to him then maybe he would wake up during the night and feed him. I said I was trying to breastfeed and that's not normal or typical. He was very offended by that and it somehow blew up into a huge fight. At the end of the fight he said he was tired of my **** and he was leaving. He called his dad to come pick him up because his breaks are messed up - I begged him to stay and he did.

Fast forward about a week and I was asking him to look at what the baby was doing. Asked him multiple times and he was glued to his phone. When he stepped out, I decided to look through his phone and there was a porn site pulled up. He said he was just curious about what NSFW means and he forgot to close the page but he doesn't watch porn.

I checked his phone again because I didn't believe him and he had deleted his history. So I looked at his history in Google accounts and found other stuff. He admitted to watching porn after that first fight but not jerking off because he felt bad. "I had to come back with a boner I was trying to hide from you." He said the reason he did was because of the fight and he felt alone.

I told him I saw other stuff and it became another fight. Escalated and he said he was sick of me again and was going to leave. Begged him to stay. He did.

I still think he watches porn, which upsets me but the gaslighting around it upset me more so I don't want to ask about it ever again.

But - I can't get my sex drive back up. I feel even uglier. I feel fat. I feel gross. And I feel like I have to have sex so I don't loose him to porn - so it takes away the intimacy. I'm starting to dread sex tbh.

Hoooow do I not feel this way? Anyone who's gone through this or have some resources to throw my way?
Welcome to TAM
There are a wide range of opinions about porn and it’s use by either or both spouses in a relationship.

However there’s not much disagreement that if you consider it off limits in your marriage, then a violation of that boundary is a violation of trust.

Some people consider it infidelity and you do not have to be ok with it. It’s NOT a ‘guy thing’ that you have to accept.

You sex drive is understandably affected in the same way it would be if he cheated in a non-virtual affair and still continues it!!

You shouldn’t focus on your libido, focus instead on dealing with this betrayal.
 

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Thank you for your response and I do agree that a sexless marriage would deeply negatively impact our relationship and I really am trying, it just kinda hurts at the moment.

Just to clarify though, I knew this time would be rough on him. I serviced him orally a couple days after getting home from the hospital. We did some non-penitration stuff and then had gentle sex when I was 5 weeks pp. I've still been allowing intimacy. I just don't feel the same anymore. I try to be sexy, make him enjoy it but inwardly when he brings up sexy time I kinda want to cry but I still do it.
You've been married how long? Just the one kid? Did you have discussions about sex and boundaries and even honesty beforehand? What you see as gaslighting, on his part, is very definitely gaslighting. But it may arise from extreme embarrassment, and painting him into a corner where he's going to believe (and maybe this is the case) that you see something he might not want to admit to or talk about... such as masturbation... as a violation of your marriage. And so you've got something most men don't want to admit to AND possibly something that rises to the level of something absolutely not allowed. Bad things come from that, if not addressed beforehand or handled badly now.

Again, gaslighting is wrong, period. But you do need to give him permission to be honest, and that you won't blow a gasket at his disclosures.

And if this is your first kid? He feels like he's been replaced. Even you don't feel like you have time or energy for something that used to be important.

He may feel more guilty about the porn use than you can imagine. Don't build on that! De-escalate. Stress being open and prioritize things. Gas-lighting is a the top of the bad stuff. Porn is not the danger that gas-lighting is. Porn could be a really bad thing, or it could be a coping mechanism. I view porn a bit differently than most; I think it's like gambling, something some people just can't handle, while others can go now and then and no big deal. Assuming we're talking about relatively-tame porn, not the really weird stuff. If he has escalated to the really weird stuff, then he's got a problem that should be addressed. But otherwise, aim the big guns elsewhere, if you can. And if you need counseling, get it.
 

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Oh sweetheart, I'm sorry but what a douche of a husband. You had only given birth 3 weeks prior and he felt you "had a tone"? You were exhausted! Your body was in the early stages of healing ffs.

Next time he tells you he's leaving, tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out. NEVER BEG for him to stay.

If you were 6 months post partum my response would be different, but you're not even 2 months.

Porn is disgusting and damages marriages. I completely understand your feelings and would feel the same way x
 

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I still think he watches porn, which upsets me but the gaslighting around it upset me more so I don't want to ask about it ever again.

But - I can't get my sex drive back up.
You are juggling a lot of things while caring for new baby and trying to recover from childbirth. Unfortunately your 36yo husband seems very immature for his age, instead of threatening to leave you he ought to be fixing brakes on the car.

Never asking him about uncomfortable things wont work. If you cant communicate as adults then you have no way to resolve issues.

Your sex drive cant come back until you feel safe. And you cant feel safe while he is threatening to abandon you and his child. The porn just makes things a bigger mess.
 

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It's not about the porn. It's about everything else. You need a break. When you get a good night's sleep & feel heard / valued by your partner your sex drive will come back. Right now you are mentally & physically exhausted because DH is behaving like a petulant child who hasn't realized it's time to step up & be a dad.
 

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Porn use after childbirth is very typical for men. It may not be what women want to accept or hear but it's just the way it is when your wife's body is shut down for a couple months. He probably doesn't want to admit it because he is ashamed or it will cause you to be upset.

If yall had a pretty regular sex life pre baby then he may not have used it since before you both met. But going from regular sex to several months of a dry spell is likely not realistic to expect slips ups.

So congrats your husband is human. I hope you find your attraction for him. I can promise you he wasn't turning to porn because he doesn't find you sexy anymore, it's more about unclogging the pipes...
 

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Porn use after childbirth is very typical for men. It may not be what women want to accept or hear but it's just the way it is when your wife's body is shut down for a couple months. He probably doesn't want to admit it because he is ashamed or it will cause you to be upset.

If yall had a pretty regular sex life pre baby then he may not have used it since before you both met. But going from regular sex to several months of a dry spell is likely not realistic to expect slips ups.

So congrats your husband is human. I hope you find your attraction for him. I can promise you he wasn't turning to porn because he doesn't find you sexy anymore, it's more about unclogging the pipes...
Yes, he is human, and I understand he is using porn - he probably was trying to adjust to the situation - but threatening to leave twice when you your wife is 7 weeks post-partum?Very immature. As I said before, I hope he learns from his silliness.
 

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My husband watches porn. Sometimes a lot and he won't come to me at all. Sometimes, very little, and we will have sex 3 times a week. I don't know what it is. If he is stressed out about work, or stupid crap going on with the guys, or because he's in his feelings about the lacking relationship that he has with his childs mother - sex does not exist in our house and he will watch porn because it's just easier for him. Tell your husband how it makes you feel, and just leave it at that. Don't expect any real answers from him because he really doesn't have any. My husband's porn issue exists because he's an alcoholic and can't get off most of the time during sex, and it's quicker and easier for him to just simply watch porn. He says that it's because there are no emotions involved. When we have sex, all he thinks about is if he's going to get off or not. So he doesn't.
 

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Couple things and thoughts -

Re - porn use and lying - men on the whole enjoy it (to varying degrees). Sounds like your husband does. It may be hard for women who don't enjoy it to understand, but promise that for most men there's a pretty significant disconnect about enjoying that and how he feels about you. I have kids and learned that we can set and make all the rules we want...but unless they understand and more importantly buy in on them...they are going to break them when they think they can...and lie about it when they know you can't prove it. It doesn't make them bad kids or flawed...just human. Your husband got caught in something embarrassing (to him)...felt violated in his personal space...felt judged...and lied. He's human. Some here might say that's showing major character flaws but they are either true angels or hypocrites. I just wouldn't read too much into the lying here (unless habitual) and instead try to cultivate a space of understanding and trust. He needs to trust you too...that you will accept him and his needs...for him to feel comfortable sharing these things with you. He doesn't...so he lied.

Re: impacts of a newborn - I'd never take anything away from women here and know that they bear the brunt with pregnancy and newborns. But I'm a guy so giving perspective from our end. Having kids is traumatic for us too (especially if your first). For 9 months the world revolves around the mom and her needs...then after birth the babies as well. We're nearly as tired...quite possibly as stressed...and the life shock the same. Some men (myself! lol) were naturals at it...but for some men it's a rude awakening and accelerated grow-up moment. Peter Pan needs to leave Neverland eventually...a baby will drag him out. His reaction and lashing out tells me that he's feeling unheard...walking on eggshells around you...and feeling powerless. So he lashes out. And now getting caught and feeling guilty about one thing that provides a bit of escapism and normalness. I can't defend his childish tantrum...and threatening to leave. It's true manchild stuff there. But I'm telling you this is the 'canary in coal mine' warning that he's in a bad mental spot too...with the stress of the situation and quite possibly with you. That you might have more justified reason to feel in a bad spot doesn't matter...a bad spot is a bad spot.

Just a guys thought to give a girl perspective...not suggesting at all you're wrong to feel what you feel or suggest he needs any babying...but try to remember with love comes sympathy and support and everyone's reality IS their reality.
 

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I was in labor, and my husband was watching porn at the hospital. He actually left after I’d been taken back for an emergency C-section to go home, “hospitals make me uncomfortable, you know that.” And watched porn late into the night and drank.

It wasn’t the porn for me, it was the priority it and drinking took over everything. IM GIVING BIRTH.. but if you continue to argue and flip out if that’s what you’re doing, he’ll never trust you. There again, I didn’t do that, I made sure it was known he wouldn’t be berated, put down, ect.. but my late husband would not address it at all. Wouldn’t talk about any of it.

From what you said I don’t think he’s gas lighting you, I think he doesn’t trust you as much as you don’t trust him.
 

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So, I already know, you don't have to tell me - porn is a normal guy thing and it's not anything personal. I get that but I need advice on getting my sex drive back.

So, I'm 35 and he is 36 and I'm currently 7 Weeks postpartum with our son. About 4 weeks ago me and my husband got into a fight. I woke up tired and a little stressed out - he said I had a tone and he got upset with me. He said that if our son could sleep next to him then maybe he would wake up during the night and feed him. I said I was trying to breastfeed and that's not normal or typical. He was very offended by that and it somehow blew up into a huge fight. At the end of the fight he said he was tired of my **** and he was leaving. He called his dad to come pick him up because his breaks are messed up - I begged him to stay and he did.

Fast forward about a week and I was asking him to look at what the baby was doing. Asked him multiple times and he was glued to his phone. When he stepped out, I decided to look through his phone and there was a porn site pulled up. He said he was just curious about what NSFW means and he forgot to close the page but he doesn't watch porn.

I checked his phone again because I didn't believe him and he had deleted his history. So I looked at his history in Google accounts and found other stuff. He admitted to watching porn after that first fight but not jerking off because he felt bad. "I had to come back with a boner I was trying to hide from you." He said the reason he did was because of the fight and he felt alone.

I told him I saw other stuff and it became another fight. Escalated and he said he was sick of me again and was going to leave. Begged him to stay. He did.

I still think he watches porn, which upsets me but the gaslighting around it upset me more so I don't want to ask about it ever again.

But - I can't get my sex drive back up. I feel even uglier. I feel fat. I feel gross. And I feel like I have to have sex so I don't loose him to porn - so it takes away the intimacy. I'm starting to dread sex tbh.

Hoooow do I not feel this way? Anyone who's gone through this or have some resources to throw my way?
It's not normal for a man to be addicted to porn. People should have more restraint than that especially when they are married.

Porn has many destructive effects. He will be comparing you to paid porn actresses with fake body parts and may start wanting you to do things that only a slave or a paid porn actress would do. At least it sounds like he hasn't reached that point yet.

You have trouble communicating with him because he just gets mad and leaves so I would suggest you to get a marriage counseling before this goes any further downhill and learn how to listen and communicate and be partners. Good luck.
 
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