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I've been married for almost 14 years. My husband is a good provider and a good father to our 2 kids. I don't know why I don't trust him. He's never really given me a reason not to. However, lately we are arguing more and more over things stemmed from my jealousy. He claims he doesn't want to be with anyone else, yet the problem is I don't feel like he even wants to be with me.

About 3 years ago my husband took on a new position at his job that requires most of his time. He travels often and when he isn't out of state, he works about 65 hours a week. Around that time he was dianosed with hypertension. He claims this effected his libido. We have sex maybe 3 times a year. I can't help but feel that this is because he finds me unattractive since I've never known a man not to want to have sex.

Around 2 years ago, I decided I wanted a trial seperation. I couldn't stand feeling like I was so far down on his priority list anymore. It was hurting me to feel like I didn't matter. I dated a little in that time, but the only men I met weren't interested in anything I had to say or feel, just wanted to get in my pants. Needless to say, this was not the direction I wanted to go, so I decided to give our marriage a second chance. However, we now are arguing often, because of my jealousy. I suppose I figure if he's at work that much and isn't having sex with me, it must be with someone. Life seemed easier when I didn't care what he did.

I know I have self esteem issues. I was a very overweight child and was brutally teased for it. My father walked out on us when I was 7. I wasn't a big dater. However, when I did date, it was one destructive relationship after another. I have deep rooted rejection issuses. I suppose I see my husband as not making time for me or having sex with me as a form of rejection. I honestly feel like this has taken a toll on me to a point of not knowing how to even fix this.

I have very few friends and no family. I rely on my husband very much for support but I feel like he has no time for me. When and if he calls me from work, his conversations are maybe 5 minutes before he's swept into another meeting. When the car breaks or something goes wrong, I have to handle it on my own because he isn't avaliable. I had several biopsies taken last week and have been in a lot of pain and had to go alone because I had no one.

I feel like if he hasn't cheated yet, he will at some point. I'm constantly thinking he's up to no good when he's out of town. Thinking that he is secretly seeing someone else. I'm so depressed all the time and feel so alone.
 

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Hi,

It sounds like a tough situation. It may be just that he 's completely locked into work. The fact is that he works so much even when he's at home, has hyper-tension, and you've never actually seen any evidence that he was fooling around, as far as I can tell. So, it may be legit.

However, it's possible he is fooling around. It's hard to know for sure. It sounds like you need more "quality time" with him. You could also simply say to him, your job is killing me. I need more time with you.

Did all this happen when he took the new position? If so, that makes it more likely it's just job-related.

Also, it might be a good idea to volunteer for something, or join some club your interested in, to have some friends to confide in.
 

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from what you describe, it certainly sounds like the two of you need to work on more quality time together; however, you seem to be assuming much about his behavior based on your own inner demons. when a man works long hours - and from what you describe your husband may be a classic workaholic - it is not unusual for his sexual appetite to decrease and that may have nothing to do with you. that is an assumption you are making.
Find, no, Make time for just the two of you so you can reconnect.
 

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The jealousy isn't about him, it's your mind trying to protect you from the rubbish that happened in previous relationships. It isn't easy, but if he has given you no reason not to trust him, then you must break down your own mental wall and believe in him.

Also, that is a ton of work hours, but don't forget he is earning for both of you. If he didn't want you to be safe in a nice home he wouldn't work so damn hard to give you that.

The others are right, this is a matter of 'couple time' needed, so you can strengthen the connection as partners.
 

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It sounds to me like you're married to a workaholic. This might sound obvious, but there's a lot more to it than just a word. It's similar to being married to an alcoholic. In its most basic form, he's addicted to his work. This means his job, not his wife, is his priority.

That doesn't mean it's "all his fault," though, just as it isn't all yours.

There's no reason to assume he's seeing another woman based on what you've written here. I'll venture a guess and say that there's a part of you that's subconsciously pushing him to reject you, to "prove" that you're unworthy. I'll also guess that you have some significant codependency issues.

Have you spoken to an individual counselor at all? If not, I would encourage you to find one. In the meantime, what would happen if you said to your husband that you believe married people should make each other their #1 priority, and you don't believe the two of you are doing that?
 
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