[BigDaddyNY]

Tbh, our lives changed quite quickly we went from care free luxury holidays him working away mon-fri to getting married, having our first child and getting a mortgage in under 2 years..and then having our second child very quickly and him having to start a new career so he was at home not working away. He liked going out at weekends, betting and wasting money and none of that he can do now because of finances being very tight. He started smoking randomly a few years ago and I am forever moaning about it because I don't like it, I don't like the children seeing it and we just can't afford it. I think he's struggled with all the changes but I think a lot of it is because he's quite selfish

You are still making excuses for his bad behavior, why?

 

[xxmrshxx]

You are still making excuses for his bad behavior, why?

I honestly don't know all I know is that if I even looked at another guy he would leave me. I just don't understand how somebody can treat somebody this way when I haven't or never would do these things! Why doesn't he just leave me?

 

[BigDaddyNY]

I honestly don't know all I know is that if I even looked at another guy he would leave me. I just don't understand how somebody can treat somebody this way when I haven't or never would do these things! Why doesn't he just leave me?

My guess is because he thinks you won't ever leave. He knows he can get away with whatever bad behavior he wants and you won't dump him. As you said, he is selfish. He wants you all for himself to play mommy for the kids, take care of the house and him, and maybe give him some sexual relief while he goes about doing his own thing. He's living the life!

 

[xxmrshxx]

My guess is because he thinks you won't ever leave. He knows he can get away with whatever bad behavior he wants and you won't dump him. As you said, he is selfish. He wants you all for himself to play mommy for the kids, take care of the house and him, and maybe give him some sexual relief while he goes about doing his own thing. He's living the life!

Even if he stopped doing what he's doing I won't ever get over what he's done its unforgivable he has broke his promises he made when we got married. It was all a lie and to me marriage is a big thing and I will never trust anyone's word again because of him. I just need that bit of strength to leave him for good. The most heartbreaking thing for me at this point is my children, I never imagined I would have to do this to them. That isn't the life I promised them. In the past when I've kicked him out they've been heartbroken that he isn't at home for tea or story time. I was the bad person

 

[BigDaddyNY]

Even if he stopped doing what he's doing I won't ever get over what he's done its unforgivable he has broke his promises he made when we got married. It was all a lie and to me marriage is a big thing and I will never trust anyone's word again because of him. I just need that bit of strength to leave him for good. The most heartbreaking thing for me at this point is my children, I never imagined I would have to do this to them. That isn't the life I promised them. In the past when I've kicked him out they've been heartbroken that he isn't at home for tea or story time. I was the bad person

Adults have to make the tough decisions, they will eventually understand and respect that. Again, you aren't doing this to them, he did this to them.

 

[Prodigal]

In my opinion, divorce should not be anything other than the very last option, especially when children are involved.

I'll just add my thoughts as a child raised by parents who had a rocky marriage ... I wish the hell they HAD divorced. I picked up on the tension. I also realized that they didn't have a happy or satisfying marriage. And I came to that conclusion by the time I was 6. Children are very intuitive. So stay in your marriage if that's what you feel works for you. But as a child who lived through it, I can assure you that your children will pick up on the negative vibes. And it won't have a particularly positive result. JMO

 

[CrAzYdOgLaDy]

I'll just add my thoughts as a child raised by parents who had a rocky marriage ... I wish the hell they HAD divorced. I picked up on the tension. I also realized that they didn't have a happy or satisfying marriage. And I came to that conclusion by the time I was 6. Children are very intuitive. So stay in your marriage if that's what you feel works for you. But as a child who lived through it, I can assure you that your children will pick up on the negative vibes. And it won't have a particularly positive result. JMO

Agree with this. Divorce was the best thing my parents did when I was 11. My mum was abusive to my dad and had many affairs.

 

[Openminded]

I'll just add my thoughts as a child raised by parents who had a rocky marriage ... I wish the hell they HAD divorced. I picked up on the tension. I also realized that they didn't have a happy or satisfying marriage. And I came to that conclusion by the time I was 6. Children are very intuitive. So stay in your marriage if that's what you feel works for you. But as a child who lived through it, I can assure you that your children will pick up on the negative vibes. And it won't have a particularly positive result. JMO

I lived that as well. And, since it was what I knew, I ended up with someone very much like my father and then my child went through the same thing that I had gone through as a child. Bad results for both.

 

[aine]

The only qualifications I have are as a beauty therapist and to be honest that doesnt pay very well. I work in administration for the NHS I have done this for the past 9 years.

This isn't the life I want but it's all I know as I have been with my husband since I was 18, never lived independently always with him. I do love him but as the months and years ho by I have realised he isn't the person I thought he was but then again I'm not the same person. I've gained 3 stone since my children, dont have hours to look glamorous every day but my children are my priority. I just seem to moan all of the time. Constantly tired. But I do have two young children a pup a house to clean food to cook washing to do work and everything inbetween.

He sounds like an abuser, emotional and mental at least. Living with the constant abuse, you will not take care of your health and yourself. He could be a narcissist. Time to get our from under his control. This is damaging your children too, although you may think it is not. Go see the lawyer and see what your rights are. You can also go to the Citizens Advice Bureau for advice on what to do.

 

[Personal Situation]

If I didn't marry him and have children with him I would have left. But I guess i feel if i leave him then it's me that's broke our family home. I just feel broken I have completely lost who I am because of what he has put me through over the last few years.

Sadly I understand & have also been going through a similar situation for decades..it doesn’t get better. They just get better at hiding it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he frequents strip clubs, has dating apps , or an addiction
I’m sorry you are going through this