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Thing is, OP's kids are 3 and 4 years old. They don't care about any of the stuff you listed. What they care about is mommy & daddy being there to play with them, to care for them, to pick them up when they fall, to have someone love them and provide for them. They don't want to be confused by mommy & daddy's new relationships which usually occur after a divorce and they certainly don't want to compete for attention and affection when those new relationships result in new half siblings. Other stuff can be taught later when they are an appropriate age.
Wait...are you actually saying it's better for the kids to have parents who stay together while cheating and hurting eachother?
 

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Discussion Starter · #22 ·
I did tell my friends boyfriend as we were all friends and I thought he needed to know but I made the mistake in phoning him to tell him and then me and him were accused of cheating because i made a 30 minute phone call. I haven't spoken to him since then but they are still together but I strongly believe she is still messaging my husband. Thanks for all the concerns but I haven't been sleeping with my husband because of my fears and to be honest it doesn't bother him that we arent sleeping together.... I know to some I may sound like a fool and stupid but I need solid proof as most of the time I have been made to feel insane and told I'm just depressed... so I have started to believe that myself. And again sounds stupid but I would love nothing more than for him to change and for this to work as when I said my vows I know I a million percent meant them
 

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I did tell my friends boyfriend as we were all friends and I thought he needed to know but I made the mistake in phoning him to tell him and then me and him were accused of cheating because i made a 30 minute phone call. I haven't spoken to him since then but they are still together but I strongly believe she is still messaging my husband. Thanks for all the concerns but I haven't been sleeping with my husband because of my fears and to be honest it doesn't bother him that we arent sleeping together.... I know to some I may sound like a fool and stupid but I need solid proof as most of the time I have been made to feel insane and told I'm just depressed... so I have started to believe that myself. And again sounds stupid but I would love nothing more than for him to change and for this to work as when I said my vows I know I a million percent meant them
Well, just remember....people treat you the way YOU ALLOW them to. Why would your husband change, when you are allowing him to get away with betraying you?
 

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I did tell my friends boyfriend as we were all friends and I thought he needed to know but I made the mistake in phoning him to tell him and then me and him were accused of cheating because i made a 30 minute phone call. I haven't spoken to him since then but they are still together but I strongly believe she is still messaging my husband. Thanks for all the concerns but I haven't been sleeping with my husband because of my fears and to be honest it doesn't bother him that we arent sleeping together.... I know to some I may sound like a fool and stupid but I need solid proof as most of the time I have been made to feel insane and told I'm just depressed... so I have started to believe that myself. And again sounds stupid but I would love nothing more than for him to change and for this to work as when I said my vows I know I a million percent meant them
You have more than enough proof, you are choosing not to act on it.
 

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If I didn't marry him and have children with him I would have left. But I guess i feel if i leave him then it's me that's broke our family home. I just feel broken I have completely lost who I am because of what he has put me through over the last few years.
I will repeat what you have already been told. You did not break your family. Your husband has broken the family. He tricked you. It know it's difficult to wrap your head around that, but that's exactly what happened. He wanted a wife and kids, so he tricked you into thinking he had changed when in fact he did not. He just went deeper underground. Now it's gotten so bad that he it's obvious.
Thank you for all of your replys. I really appreciate it. He has always been one for attention and has done things he shouldn't have in the past and I forgave him and we started a fresh and I really thought he had changed. I wouldn't have married him otherwise. I have my own car, own money and work part time due to looking after my youngest. The only thing I would lose is my house because I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage on my own. I feel like he can tell his way out of everything. I say I dont have passwords for my phone he can go on it whenever he wants and he said well I dont want to go on your phone put a password on it I trust you...so again i am the problem for being paranoid but who cant leave the phone on charge and leave the room he HAS to take it with him. I know I'm going round in circles but I just don't know how to end this. It's so hard to accept that he really has ruined my life and what I ever wanted.
Don't be so sure that you'd lose your home. You would have to go back to work full time, but he would have to help you financially to support the children. Look into it and see what your options are.
He has ruined your current life, but he hasn't ruined your whole life. Things are hard right now, but they can get better if you make a plan and work through it to make things better for you and your children.
You don't need his passwords. You have all that you need. Your husband is treating you very badly. He has deserted your marriage, even if you don't think you have proof of a physical affair. Your husband has betrayed you by the way he treats you and by giving his attention and affection to other women. Messaging other women. Hiding his phone. These are obvious indications that he is cheating. You know he is cheating. Don't dismiss what you can see with your own eyes.
He is telling you that you're the crazy one when it is obvious that you are not crazy. What he is doing is called gaslighting. Gaslighting is when a person tries to get you to believe them over what you know to be true. To doubt yourself and believe them instead. He is purposefully trying to drive you crazy. Is that the man you want to be married to?
What job skills do you have? What kind of education do you have?
I did tell my friends boyfriend as we were all friends and I thought he needed to know but I made the mistake in phoning him to tell him and then me and him were accused of cheating because i made a 30 minute phone call. I haven't spoken to him since then but they are still together but I strongly believe she is still messaging my husband. Thanks for all the concerns but I haven't been sleeping with my husband because of my fears and to be honest it doesn't bother him that we arent sleeping together.... I know to some I may sound like a fool and stupid but I need solid proof as most of the time I have been made to feel insane and told I'm just depressed... so I have started to believe that myself. And again sounds stupid but I would love nothing more than for him to change and for this to work as when I said my vows I know I a million percent meant them
Why are you believing him over yourself? You have solid proof that your husband is treating you badly and is showing you that your feelings are not important. What matters to him is that you help him maintain his lifestyle while he does whatever the hell he wants. He is using you, as if you are an appliance.
It takes two to have a good marriage and only one person to destroy it. I'm glad that you take your marriage vows seriously, but your husband does not. He has broken them. He has broken your trust. He is being mean to you and he is engaging inappropriately with other women, at the very least. You don't need proof of that.
 

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I did tell my friends boyfriend as we were all friends and I thought he needed to know but I made the mistake in phoning him to tell him and then me and him were accused of cheating because i made a 30 minute phone call. I haven't spoken to him since then but they are still together but I strongly believe she is still messaging my husband. Thanks for all the concerns but I haven't been sleeping with my husband because of my fears and to be honest it doesn't bother him that we arent sleeping together.... I know to some I may sound like a fool and stupid but I need solid proof as most of the time I have been made to feel insane and told I'm just depressed... so I have started to believe that myself. And again sounds stupid but I would love nothing more than for him to change and for this to work as when I said my vows I know I a million percent meant them
He didn't mean his vows and you really don't seem to mean much to him. I k ow that sounds harsh, but it is reality. Stick around if you have no self worth.
 

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Discussion Starter · #30 ·
I will repeat what you have already been told. You did not break your family. Your husband has broken the family. He tricked you. It know it's difficult to wrap your head around that, but that's exactly what happened. He wanted a wife and kids, so he tricked you into thinking he had changed when in fact he did not. He just went deeper underground. Now it's gotten so bad that he it's obvious.

Don't be so sure that you'd lose your home. You would have to go back to work full time, but he would have to help you financially to support the children. Look into it and see what your options are.
He has ruined your current life, but he hasn't ruined your whole life. Things are hard right now, but they can get better if you make a plan and work through it to make things better for you and your children.
You don't need his passwords. You have all that you need. Your husband is treating you very badly. He has deserted your marriage, even if you don't think you have proof of a physical affair. Your husband has betrayed you by the way he treats you and by giving his attention and affection to other women. Messaging other women. Hiding his phone. These are obvious indications that he is cheating. You know he is cheating. Don't dismiss what you can see with your own eyes.
He is telling you that you're the crazy one when it is obvious that you are not crazy. What he is doing is called gaslighting. Gaslighting is when a person tries to get you to believe them over what you know to be true. To doubt yourself and believe them instead. He is purposefully trying to drive you crazy. Is that the man you want to be married to?
What job skills do you have? What kind of education do you have?

Why are you believing him over yourself? You have solid proof that your husband is treating you badly and is showing you that your feelings are not important. What matters to him is that you help him maintain his lifestyle while he does whatever the hell he wants. He is using you, as if you are an appliance.
It takes two to have a good marriage and only one person to destroy it. I'm glad that you take your marriage vows seriously, but your husband does not. He has broken them. He has broken your trust. He is being mean to you and he is engaging inappropriately with other women, at the very least. You don't need proof of that.
The only qualifications I have are as a beauty therapist and to be honest that doesnt pay very well. I work in administration for the NHS I have done this for the past 9 years.

This isn't the life I want but it's all I know as I have been with my husband since I was 18, never lived independently always with him. I do love him but as the months and years ho by I have realised he isn't the person I thought he was but then again I'm not the same person. I've gained 3 stone since my children, dont have hours to look glamorous every day but my children are my priority. I just seem to moan all of the time. Constantly tired. But I do have two young children a pup a house to clean food to cook washing to do work and everything inbetween.
 

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If I didn't marry him and have children with him I would have left. But I guess i feel if i leave him then it's me that's broke our family home. I just feel broken I have completely lost who I am because of what he has put me through over the last few years.
Cmon, you aren’t breaking anything. You are using excuses to stay which is your choice.
We’re just friends is the biggest lie told.
You are only a chump if you allow it.
Children learn most from their parents. What are you teaching them?
Living the life of a martyr is a thankless task.
 

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I did tell my friends boyfriend as we were all friends and I thought he needed to know but I made the mistake in phoning him to tell him and then me and him were accused of cheating because i made a 30 minute phone call. I haven't spoken to him since then but they are still together but I strongly believe she is still messaging my husband. Thanks for all the concerns but I haven't been sleeping with my husband because of my fears and to be honest it doesn't bother him that we arent sleeping together.... I know to some I may sound like a fool and stupid but I need solid proof as most of the time I have been made to feel insane and told I'm just depressed... so I have started to believe that myself. And again sounds stupid but I would love nothing more than for him to change and for this to work as when I said my vows I know I a million percent meant them
Good, at least you won’t catch an STD. He’s doesn’t need sex from you. His new girlfriends provide that.
You only need proof enough for you. This isn’t a court of law where you have to have a smoking gun or concrete proof. Indecision is a cheaters best friend.
Right now you are living on hopium. It won’t get you anything but more of what you’ve been getting.
 

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What I'm saying is that divorce, especially when children are involved, should be the last option. Unfortunately, here on TAM, it's usually the first option that people suggest.
Well, that's because most of the problems people come on here complaining about are MAJOR issues...just like this OP.
Generally I have found that the people who believe divorce should be "the last option", have never dealt with hopeless unresolvable issues, or a partner who is emotionally cold and a user.

What other advice should you give someone with a cheating spouse who won't stop having sex with other people?

I am really asking -- what do YOU believe the OP should do, if not divorce?
 

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It's hard to tell since we only get one side of the story. We have no idea why her POS husband is acting this way. Are there issues at home that drives him into the arms of other women? Nobody here knows and nobody has asked OP. So it's really impossible to advise OP without knowing the rest of the story.
 

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This isn't the life I want but it's all I know as I have been with my husband since I was 18, never lived independently always with him.
As the old saying goes, "When the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, you will leave."
 

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It's hard to tell since we only get one side of the story. We have no idea why her POS husband is acting this way. Are there issues at home that drives him into the arms of other women? Nobody here knows and nobody has asked OP. So it's really impossible to advise OP without knowing the rest of the story.
What could she possibly be doing that would justify her husband's cheating, lying and gaslighting? Even if she were cheating it would still be wrong. And if she is doing something so horrendous that she is driving her husband into the arms of another woman is it really an environment that is better for the kids than if the divorced?
 

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What could she possibly be doing that would justify her husband's cheating, lying and gaslighting? Even if she were cheating it would still be wrong. And if she is doing something so horrendous that she is driving her husband into the arms of another woman is it really an environment that is better for the kids than if the divorced?
Go back and reread what I wrote. I never said his cheating was justified. Cheating is never justified, even if it's a revenge affair. What I asked was if there were issues that drove him to seek other women. If so, they might save the marriage and the family with extensive counseling. In my opinion, divorce should not be anything other than the very last option, especially when children are involved. But here, it seems that it is usually the first option that people throw out there. You all are getting all spun up because my opinion is different than yours.
 

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Discussion Starter · #39 ·
Tbh, our lives changed quite quickly we went from care free luxury holidays him working away mon-fri to getting married, having our first child and getting a mortgage in under 2 years..and then having our second child very quickly and him having to start a new career so he was at home not working away. He liked going out at weekends, betting and wasting money and none of that he can do now because of finances being very tight. He started smoking randomly a few years ago and I am forever moaning about it because I don't like it, I don't like the children seeing it and we just can't afford it. I think he's struggled with all the changes but I think a lot of it is because he's quite selfish
 

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Go back and reread what I wrote. I never said his cheating was justified. Cheating is never justified, even if it's a revenge affair. What I asked was if there were issues that drove him to seek other women. If so, they might save the marriage and the family with extensive counseling. In my opinion, divorce should not be anything other than the very last option, especially when children are involved. But here, it seems that it is usually the first option that people throw out there. You all are getting all spun up because my opinion is different than yours.
Not spun up, just trying to understand where you are coming from, because is doesn't seem logical at all. You are free to express you opinion, but you need to be prepared to defend it.

What I got from your posts is...
Cheating is not egregious enough to warrant divorce if you have kids.
Tolerating a bad spouse shows your kids that you love them and is a good example.
There could be something the BS did that made their WS cheat on them.

IMO that is all utter nonsense. Cheating breaks the marriage, period. Even if it doesn't end in divorce the marriage has been broken. Tolerating broken promises and disrespect for marriage and family is not a good lesson to teach kids. It would be a much more valuable life lesson to let them see that ALL actions have consequences and can impact many people. Lastly, cheating is NEVER the fault of the BS. She could have been a total ***** and it doesn't make it her fault. He chose his own actions.

In this specific case the guy has been cheating on his wife for more than 2 years and continues to do so, with her best friend no less. During their 10 years of dating there were other issues that she overlooked/forgave/rug swept. He is gaslighting her and even accused her of cheating. There isn't anything here to save. Yes, there may be times where reconciliation is possible, but that doesn't mean all cases. This isn't one of them IMO.
 
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