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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
A little background on us.. we have been together 15 years, married for 5 years and two young children aged 4 and 3.
I thought I had the perfect life up until January 2020 when for some reason I checked my husbands phone bill to see he had been calling and texting my supposedly best friend for weeks. When I confronted him about this he made out like it was nothing apparently she was having problems with her boyfriend his best mate since they were kids and he needed someone to speak to about me because he was worried about me having post natal depression. For some stupid reason I forgave them both. Then in june 2020 I recieved messages on facebook saying my husbands cheating on me and to check his messenger which I did but couldn't see anything. Then july 2020 he went on his WhatsApp by mistake in front on me and I seen my best friends picture on his messages the same girl from january 2020 he was very quick to close his phone and refused to show me his what's app again. He just told me I was paranoid and seeing things and making out like I was losing the plot. Then september 2020 he fell asleep with his phone unlocked so I went on his what's app and there she was again messages from her. It looked like they sent code messages before replying to make sure it was each other and deleted them as they sent them as there was just one message from him and two from her which I replied to pretending to be him. When he woke I confronted him for him to tell me it wasn't what it looked like he just needed someone to talk to.... I haven't spoke to this friend since then but believe they are still in contact. Hes always on his phone on facebook messenger and refuses to show me his phone and all his passwords have changed since this day. I believe late nights at work random trips to the gym and random excuses to take his car out for a drive because he hasnt been off the drive for a few days were all excuses. I just don't trust him. He makes me think I am crazy. Fast forward to now and this is still happening but worse. He likes girls selfies on Facebook and Instagram and think that's ok? I dont I wouldn't do that I dont have random people on my social media just family and friends. Last week I got a message from a guy telling me he had been messaging his girlfriend of 15 year for weeks flirty messages. Again he said it wasn't as it seemed he was just seeing how an old school friend was. She blocked me before I had chance to confront her but I had previously been suspicious of this girl. He believes he's done nothing and him speaking to the girl would be the same as him messaging a boy mate. I honestly don't believe any of it so why an I still here?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
If I didn't marry him and have children with him I would have left. But I guess i feel if i leave him then it's me that's broke our family home. I just feel broken I have completely lost who I am because of what he has put me through over the last few years.
 

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If I didn't marry him and have children with him I would have left. But I guess i feel if i leave him then it's me that's broke our family home. I just feel broken I have completely lost who I am because of what he has put me through over the last few years.
Your WH is lying through his teeth. You need to stop accusing him as you are putting him on notice and he's just becoming more devious about his activities. Have some patience and go into stealth mode. Be as nice as pie and do not let him know you are investigating. Gather as much evidence as you can. if they are meeting up a PI will be able to follow him and get the evidence. Alternatively you could VAR his car and pick up on any conversations he is having with her.
In the meantime, get your ducks in a row.
1. go see a lawyer for what your options are
2. get Std tested, are you sleeping with him?
3. Do you work, have your own income? Start squirreling away money from the household budget
4. Confide in a close friend or sibling
5. When you get evidence, blow up his world, her world, tell everyone, friends family, anyone who will listen. These affairs only thrive in darkness.
6. Then do the 180 and file for divorce (you do not have to go through with divorce but let him see you mean business).
He has given you all sorts of stories till now and you appear to have accepted them so to him, he has u under control. He needs some shock and awe actions to show him you are done with his ********.
 

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If I didn't marry him and have children with him I would have left. But I guess i feel if i leave him then it's me that's broke our family home. I just feel broken I have completely lost who I am because of what he has put me through over the last few years.
No it's him who has broken the family home. It him who has broken the marriage vows and shown you he can't be trusted. I know you have little children but he is a serial cheat and doesn't seem to want to stop.
Have you told the AP's husband?
 

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If trust is gone, you have nothing. Staying for the kids teaches them very bad lessons.
And what bad lessons would they be taught? That their mother loves them enough to tolerate a bad husband? That she is willing to sacrifice for their sake? OP, you chose poorly. You don't say how long you dated but it either wasn't long enough or you ignored red flags. Take a lot of time to do some research and consider the consequences of divorce, especially how it affects children. This is no fault of theirs and they deserve every consideration.
 

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If I didn't marry him and have children with him I would have left. But I guess i feel if i leave him then it's me that's broke our family home. I just feel broken I have completely lost who I am because of what he has put me through over the last few years.
No, you have it reversed. He already broke your marriage and your family. He is the one that has been and is actively cheating on you with you "best friend". Odds are he has cheated with other too, based on his behavior. You've seen enough evidence already to know what is going on. Also, not giving you access to his phone is a bright red flag. Guys that have nothing to hide will give you free access to their phone. Don't let you kids think that a husband wh0ring around with other women is how life works. Set a good example for them and be strong, get away from this serial cheater.
 

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And what bad lessons would they be taught? That their mother loves them enough to tolerate a bad husband? That she is willing to sacrifice for their sake?
She will be teaching them what marriage looks like. In hers, she gets cheated on & disrespected. She will be teaching them than vows -- like forsaking all others -- are meaningless. She will be teaching them that daddy can do whatever he wants with whoever he wants & she just has to sit there & take it. She will be teaching her kids that being secretive rather than transparent with those you love is how one behaves.
 

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And what bad lessons would they be taught? That their mother loves them enough to tolerate a bad husband? That she is willing to sacrifice for their sake? OP, you chose poorly. You don't say how long you dated but it either wasn't long enough or you ignored red flags. Take a lot of time to do some research and consider the consequences of divorce, especially how it affects children. This is no fault of theirs and they deserve every consideration.
Must not have read very well. They have been together 15 years, married 5. If she couldn't figure him out in 10 years of dating, she never will.

How is her tolerating a bad husband NOT a bad lesson? She wouldn't be accepting marginal behavior, she would be accepting a man that has zero respect for his commitment to his wife or his family. The bad lesson would be that marriage and its vows really don't mean anything.
 

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Lots and lots of people stay miserable because they fear having to start over. Finding another person to spend time with, supporting themselves with no help, etc.

my suggestion is do whatever it takes, school, whatever, and get yourself a career where you are self supporting. It will give you the self-confidence you need to take out the garbage.

your husband took ten years to marry you. He’s been cheating the whole time. He doesn’t love you like he should. Ditch him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Thank you for all of your replys. I really appreciate it. He has always been one for attention and has done things he shouldn't have in the past and I forgave him and we started a fresh and I really thought he had changed. I wouldn't have married him otherwise. I have my own car, own money and work part time due to looking after my youngest. The only thing I would lose is my house because I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage on my own. I feel like he can tell his way out of everything. I say I dont have passwords for my phone he can go on it whenever he wants and he said well I dont want to go on your phone put a password on it I trust you...so again i am the problem for being paranoid but who cant leave the phone on charge and leave the room he HAS to take it with him. I know I'm going round in circles but I just don't know how to end this. It's so hard to accept that he really has ruined my life and what I ever wanted.
 

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Many people stay in toxic relationships when they know they should leave because they hope the person will change. But, people like your husband OP, don’t really change. He may stop the behaviors for a short while but he goes back to cheating soon enough, when he thinks you’ve moved past it.

I think you know what to do, but you don’t want to go through all the changes this will bring to your life but the new changes will be refreshing when you see that life goes on without this craziness in your life.

Love shouldn’t hurt you. I hope you find the strength to just move forward.
 

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Only you can make the decision but if you stay you will simply get more of the same. It's up to you in the end, but for many of us being a single mum is far preferable to living with a liar and a cheat.
 

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I thought I had the perfect life up until January 2020 when for some reason I checked my husbands phone bill to see he had been calling and texting my supposedly best friend for weeks.
I want to point this out...you say you thought you had the perfect life, but that can't be true because you felt something was imperfect enough to be suspicious of how he was treating you and acting.

I think you KNOW that your life with him hasn't been "perfect" for a long time, but you've been putting up with it because you don't trust YOURSELF. It's time for you to stop doubting what you can see is true about your husband.
You are not crazy, he is just a sneak and a liar who doesn't care at all about you or anyone else, he only cares about himself.
 

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You sure do a lot of forgiving. You know he hasn't changed and you know he has no intension of changing. You have taught him that he can do what he wants and you will accept any excuse and will forgive and move on. How is that working out for you. There are 2 sayings that get repeater here quite often, and I think they are right on the money.
The 1st one is that people with nothing to hide, hide nothing. Look at the communication protocols he and your best friend put in place. That should tell you all you need to know.
The 2nd is you have to be willing to lose a relationship in order to save it. Right now he knows that he is risking nothing. He can have his life with you and his single life as well and all he has to do is make a few flimsy excuses.
Maintaining secret relationships while married is cheating. He knows he is cheating and so do you. He will not change. He has no reason to. Making you out to be the one with a problem is the most popular move cheaters use. You are putting to much faith in his words. You need to judge him by his actions. You have 2 choices. Accept your life as it is or take action to change it.
If you want the life you deserve, you need to accept that it may have to be with someone else. inform yourself. See a lawyer so you know what a divorce would look like. See your doctor and get tested for STDs, and tell him he has to as well. Kick him out of your bed. Don't cook or do laundry for him. Tell him that you want a separation and you want him to move out. He needs to make a choice. Either he is 100% in trying to save the marriage or he is out. If he is in he must come clean about what he has been going. No minimizing, blaming you or omitting pertinent details.
 

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If I didn't marry him and have children with him I would have left. But I guess i feel if i leave him then it's me that's broke our family home. I just feel broken I have completely lost who I am because of what he has put me through over the last few years.
HE is the one that broke the family by cheating -- NOT you. He is manipulating you and gaslighting you to MAKE you feel like this is all on you -- it is not. HE is the issue. HE is the problem.
See a lawyer to figure out what your financials, child support/custody, etc. would look like. Doesn't mean you have to file, but at least it will give you more information to take away that fear of the unknown.
Is your friend also married/in a relationship? Contact HER partner to let them know what she is doing with your husband...
 

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She will be teaching them what marriage looks like. In hers, she gets cheated on & disrespected. She will be teaching them than vows -- like forsaking all others -- are meaningless. She will be teaching them that daddy can do whatever he wants with whoever he wants & she just has to sit there & take it. She will be teaching her kids that being secretive rather than transparent with those you love is how one behaves.
How is her tolerating a bad husband NOT a bad lesson? She wouldn't be accepting marginal behavior, she would be accepting a man that has zero respect for his commitment to his wife or his family. The bad lesson would be that marriage and its vows really don't mean anything.
Thing is, OP's kids are 3 and 4 years old. They don't care about any of the stuff you listed. What they care about is mommy & daddy being there to play with them, to care for them, to pick them up when they fall, to have someone love them and provide for them. They don't want to be confused by mommy & daddy's new relationships which usually occur after a divorce and they certainly don't want to compete for attention and affection when those new relationships result in new half siblings. Other stuff can be taught later when they are an appropriate age.
 

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Thing is, OP's kids are 3 and 4 years old. They don't care about any of the stuff you listed. What they care about is mommy & daddy being there to play with them, to care for them, to pick them up when they fall, to have someone love them and provide for them. They don't want to be confused by mommy & daddy's new relationships which usually occur after a divorce and they certainly don't want to compete for attention and affection when those new relationships result in new half siblings. Other stuff can be taught later when they are an appropriate age.
So should one parent stay in a marriage with a serial cheat?
 
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