I don't trust his touch...

3070 Views 20 Replies 13 Participants Last post by LastUnicorn, Oct 11, 2012

seeking_authenticity

Discussion Starter · Oct 10, 2012

...because he's hurt me so many times. Not on purpose, and not in a mean way. When we have sex he's just clumsy and forgetful - he forgets that I've said "it hurts when you do that" - he has it in his head that it will feel good to me, but it doesn't. The sucky part is that I've been saying it for 9 years..."it hurts when you do that"...and I've tried every possible approach (i.e. in the heat of the moment, just after, and having a random discussion). He always says "sorry, I won't do that again", but then he does. He just doesn't get it. I can't express just how much this sucks... we have an okay relationship otherwise, not without issues, but we just keep working through everything.

I'm to the point that I do not want to be intimate with him...at all.

and I feel horrible because I feel like I'm attacking him/his manliness/etc. He pouts and sulks whenever we talk about this, and pledges to make an effort.

...we've been together for 9 years and married for 5. We have a 6 year old together and I have an 11 year old from a previous marriage.

If we didn't have a child together I wouldn't be in this relationship.

I would love it if someone had a breakthrough idea for me in this situation... :scratchhead:

Thanks.

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aribabe

· #2 · Oct 10, 2012

I'm sorry to hear about that Seeking. That's a tough situation to be in for sure. Honestly I'm surprised that you continue to be intimate with him at all. But I can respect your trying to work on it and figure things out.

He just sounds like an awful lover. Clumsy and an ego that could probably fill a room. Some men... goodness. I can only imagine how much of his moves have been picked up from porn. Ugh!

I would say the first approach would be to stop letting him touch you. Not stopping the sex neccesarily. But don't let him grope all over your body and hurt you. That's psychologically damaging to you. If he wants sex, tell him ok (if you want to) but he's not allowed to touch all over your body because he's too rough.

Second, if he can put ego aside, try to show him how you like to be touched. How hard/gentle whatever. Moan and act excited while you do it. You just do it, don't let him help.

If you ever feign enjoyment of his non pleasant touching. Stop doing that. It sends the wrong message. If he's ding something that hurts you. Tell him to stop. Then you stop. Get up if you have to, switch positon or something. But their needs to be a swift and immediate consequence from him touching you in ways that hurt.

A toy, buy one, you're probably going to need it. Teaching an old dog new tricks can take a long time...
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anotherguy

· #3 · Oct 10, 2012

He sounds, like a moron. A troglodyte. And a selfish child.

You have been doing this for 9 years and he sulks?

You are NOT attacking his 'manliness'. If he actually HAD any manliness, this wouldnt be an issue. Seems like he is primarily concerned with getting his rocks off on you - in spite of you - regardless of your feelings or if 'it' hurts. No need to go into specifics here - but I can guess whats going on.

You need to not mince words. Look him in the eye and tell him no. You need to establish the boundry without the hints and subtle suggestions and calm quiet talk. Tell him to grow up - that you have had enough.

I dont really want to jump the gun too much without knowing what is *really* going on - but you need to be less concerned with his 'feelings' on this.

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CallaLily

· #4 · Oct 10, 2012

Exactly what is it he is doing that hurts you?

IMO, I think he knows, I don't think he "forgets', not after you telling him for years the same thing. I'm sure he is hoping one day you will not longer say it hurts. He is being disrespectful of your feelings.

Also don't let the fact that you have a child keep you there. Thats a poor excuse. Are there other things he does that bother you outside of the bedroom other than what he continues to do in the bedroom?

seeking_authenticity

Discussion Starter · #5 · Oct 10, 2012

thanks all, for the responses...
It is a tough situation. I don't want to get uber graphic, but...
he tells me he can't tell how hard or soft he touches with his hands because of his work (??!!)... so when he touches me in/on intimate areas it feels, um, not pleasant. I don't let him go there with hands anymore. But that has nothing to do with the violent porn-thrust thing that he does that hurts...that's NOT his hands. (I guess that's pretty graphic.) I'm at the point where I get up and leave the room when he does that - after screaming "OW!" or any other variation of 'owch, that f'n hurts'.

aribabe, thank you. toy. check.
anotherguy, thank you, too. I appreciate your point of view.
callaLily, thanks. yes, there are other things outside the bedroom.

CallaLily

· #6 · Oct 10, 2012

seeking_authenticity said:
callaLily, thanks. yes, there are other things outside the bedroom.

Can you share what else is going on?

seeking_authenticity

Discussion Starter · #7 · Oct 10, 2012

He has a "drinking problem"...which I say like that because he doesn't think its a problem (i.e., he doesn't NEED to drink, he just likes to drink, but over-drinks to the point of being stupid drunk, slurring, etc. which is a problem for ME.) I've come to the conclusion that whether or not he has a drinking problem, per se, his drinking is a problem for me: I don't enjoy the drunk-antics and it's not at all in line with how I'd like to raise our/my kids. The issue with this is much the same, he assures me he'll get it under control...and he does for a few weeks, then conveniently "forgets" his pledge to not over-drink. I need to clarify that he's NOT a violent or angry drunk, has never even raised his voice at the kids (or me) when drinking. So I get a lot of "so what if he drinks?" from friends and family....we always find a way to work it out but its getting old.

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appletree

· #8 · Oct 10, 2012

Have you got the money for counselling? Even if a counsellor tells tha same than you if it comes from a third party not involved it is more effective. There seem to be much more than you want to write on a public forum.
I guess there is no connection between you when you're having sex. You think: oh how clumsy will he be today, and he thinks....
As so often, I suggest that you and your husband together learn mindfullness meditation (the buddhist one) which helps to stay present and mindful while being with you. It is more than just relaxation. If you drink heavily you want to kill your senses. Maybe he's not an alcoholic right now. While it is quite OK when he and his mates are having some beers once in a while there is a limit.
If you search the internet there are some meditation excersises for couples, but that does not replace learning that with a teacher, but you can try.

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joeobowyer

· #9 · Oct 11, 2012

He is being disrespectful of your feelings

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Plan 9 from OS

· #10 · Oct 11, 2012

When your husband is grabbing your breasts, crotch and ass - assuming most of the pain is felt at the crotch - is it due to touching too strongly (squeezing/forcing fingers, etc...) or is it more like the feeling of sandpaper being rubbed over you when he touches you? If it's the latter, then he may have a lot of thick callouses if he's working with his hands a lot at work and that may be resulting in him having less sensitivity in his touch due to callouses. Buy some Udder Cream to use for his hands and that may solve the problem. If it's more a result of him grabbing too hard and trying to ram fingers inside you then that's just him being an ass and not understanding how to make love to a woman.

During intercourse is he ramming your cervix? Most likely he's trying to have porno sex with you - thinking that porno sex is the "right" way to do it. He needs educated and is too lazy to learn.

Of course, the drinking may result in him simply not caring how he makes you feel if his senses are dulled from the alcohol. Does he try to have sex with you primarily when he is drunk or is his Philistine approach to sex also happen when he's sober? It goes without saying that the drinking must be addressed regardless. Long term damage to the liver is inevitable with excess drinking.

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norajane

· #11 · Oct 11, 2012

If you've been saying "stop hurting me" for 9 years, and he keeps doing it, then that's abusive. He knows. He's heard you tell him that he hurts you physically, and he continues to hurt you physically.

At the same time, you've been letting him by continuing to have sex with him for 9 years, despite it.

It's up to you how many more years you plan to accept that.

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trey69

· #12 · Oct 11, 2012

He has a drinking problem and he continues to hurt you sexually for years even after you have asked him to stop. Continuing to stay hasn't worked, and right now he is in a alcohol fog, which means he thinks he doesn't have a problem, Its time for a change, and you will need to be the one to make it. I would do a separation for awhile, get into some IC and go from there.

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wiigirl

· #13 · Oct 11, 2012

norajane said:
If you've been saying "stop hurting me" for 9 years, and he keeps doing it, then that's abusive. He knows. He's heard you tell him that he hurts you physically, and he continues to hurt you physically.

At the same time, you've been letting him by continuing to have sex with him for 9 years, despite it.

It's up to you how many more years you plan to accept that.

When he starts hurting you have you tried to hurt him back? A non verbal communication could be helpful. Just grab his sides or arms and dig in with your nails.

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indiecat

· #14 · Oct 11, 2012

If he touches you roughly STOP the sexual activity. Say OUCH in a loud voice and push him away, don't let him continue. If that doesn't work cut him off and tell him why. Say you were sore for days after the last encounter. He's got a problem, this is not normal behavior to just 'forget' that he's been told this many times.

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seeking_authenticity

Discussion Starter · #15 · Oct 11, 2012

Plan 9 from OS said:
If it's more a result of him grabbing too hard and trying to ram fingers inside you then that's just him being an ass and not understanding how to make love to a woman.

During intercourse is he ramming your cervix? Most likely he's trying to have porno sex with you - thinking that porno sex is the "right" way to do it. He needs educated and is too lazy to learn.
.

I wish it were a matter of sandpaper hands. No, its not the actual roughness of his skin, but the roughness of his touch. Yes, grabbing too hard and ramming fingers. I've tried coaching, "can you try touching me like this?" and positive reinforcement when he touches nicely... but then he'll do something that hurts. And I wince. And say owch. And he says sorry...I haven't tried hurting him back because he may interpret that as me being excited or encouraging him. When he hurts my clitoris I really want to punch him. I don't think that's an area that should experience pain.

And yes to ramming cervix. We would have sex, nice sex...with me encouraging him and letting him know that what he was doing felt really good... and then 'wham' the violent thrust that bruises my insides...it may be strange that it hurts, it might not hurt everyone, but it hurts me. Why can't he stop doing that? That's what I don't understand. Wtf.

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2ntnuf

· #16 · Oct 11, 2012

norajane said:
If you've been saying "stop hurting me" for 9 years, and he keeps doing it, then that's abusive. He knows. He's heard you tell him that he hurts you physically, and he continues to hurt you physically.

At the same time, you've been letting him by continuing to have sex with him for 9 years, despite it.

It's up to you how many more years you plan to accept that.

Seems more like enabling.

trey69

· #17 · Oct 11, 2012

Has he been drinking when you have sex with him? Is he rough with you every time he has sex with you, drinking or not?

It doesn't really matter because rough is rough regardless, BUT if you're having sex with him when he has been drinking then chances are he doesn't give a flying flip about you at that point its all about him. And yes he could still not give a flying flip even if he wasn't drinking. I'm just wondering if the drinking is making it worse.

Bottom line, stop laying down with him, he isn't going to stop being rough and apparently doesn't care to. Get yourself some help.

2ntnuf

· #18 · Oct 11, 2012

seeking_authenticity said:
I wish it were a matter of sandpaper hands. No, its not the actual roughness of his skin, but the roughness of his touch. Yes, grabbing too hard and ramming fingers. I've tried coaching, "can you try touching me like this?" and positive reinforcement when he touches nicely... but then he'll do something that hurts. And I wince. And say owch. And he says sorry...I haven't tried hurting him back because he may interpret that as me being excited or encouraging him. When he hurts my clitoris I really want to punch him. I don't think that's an area that should experience pain.

And yes to ramming cervix. We would have sex, nice sex...with me encouraging him and letting him know that what he was doing felt really good... and then 'wham' the violent thrust that bruises my insides...it may be strange that it hurts, it might not hurt everyone, but it hurts me. Why can't he stop doing that? That's what I don't understand. Wtf.

This is a shame. I hope you can get this figured out. You do not need to put up with this. It is horrible.

seeking_authenticity

Discussion Starter · #19 · Oct 11, 2012

Drinking or not, its the same.

Enabling, perhaps. I feel like I'm being a martyr. Neglecting self-respect so our child has a father in-house.

If we didn't have a child there is NO WAY IN HELL we would still be together...

trey69

· #20 · Oct 11, 2012

seeking_authenticity said:
Enabling, perhaps. I feel like I'm being a martyr. Neglecting self-respect so our child has a father in-house.

But you're not being a martyr. And at what cost are you staying so your child can have a father in the house?

He is drinking and quite abusive, you will be no good to your child if you remain there. You have to take care of you and your child. remaining there isn't doing that.

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