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I don't think my wife cares anymore

21591 Views 124 Replies 24 Participants Last post by  A Bit Much, 
W
Hi all...

I think I've had an epiphany yesterday...

My wife doesn't care anymore.

She's been a SAHM for 14 years now. I make a very good living so she has a lot of freedom. Our kids are older now and really don't require the same level of supervision any longer. Her biggest time consuming activities are driving the kids around and doing laundry.

She fills her days with lunches with girlfriend / how yoga / a LOT of volunteerism stuff at school ... while our house is in so so shape from a housekeeping perspective.

I actually comment that she's no longer a stay at home mom because she's never home! I would like her to go back to work, but she's "not ready".

Anyway, I'm in pretty decent shape and I work out and stay very active. As I mentioned she's been starting to work out again and doing yoga and hot yoga. That is beginning to show because she's looking better. She was never obese , but she always complained about needing to lose 20. now she's doing it.

So Saturday morning we are in bed and I mention how good she's looking and that her work is paying dividends...she sorta blew it off -- she doesn't take compliments well from me. her self esteem is low when it comes to her looks and body -- even though I've told her for 25+ years that I think she's beautiful and has a great body.

I told her point blank that she should just take my compliment for what its worth... she said thanks. Motivation came up during our talk and I asked if a tiny tiny part of her motivation for looking better was for me. She sorta laughed and said "NO!"..."I'm doing it for me". I asked again...not even a little bit for me? Nope...

She said after being married for 20 years (we're both 47) she didn't have to impress me anymore.

I was taken aback a little. I absolutely try to stay in shape for her. I've read MMSL and have bought new clothing and upped my alpha some. She still sh!t tests now and again, but I think I handle them okay. I was hoping she would be motivated to look good for me...that would have made me feel great.

Later the next day she was going out with her girlfriends for brunch. She was getting very dressed up. I then mentioned that she spends more time getting ready and looking nicer for her girlfriends than she does when we have our date nights...why was that.

She blew it off like I was crazy... I'm imagining things etc.

I'm sorry I'm rambling -- I perceive the same attitude when it comes to taking care of the house and her responsibilities...our sex life. She's developed a "what's the big deal" attitude about so many things... A "good enough".

I am a small business owner and work a lot and think I deal with my stresses pretty well. I provide for my family and I take pride in that. It occurred to me that my wife is ungrateful and doesn't care about our life as much as I would hope she would.

As I contemplate our future, it scares me. From a financial aspect certainly -- also our relationship. I'm certain there's nobody else. We have an open book with Texts/Emails etc. We also have find friends app on our iphones -- we know where each other is at any given time if we were curious.

Thanks for any feedback...i'm sorry for the ramble.
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H
You have to get over the fear of divorce. You have to be absolutely sure you are a great husband and she is happy in her life and you are the source of her happiness.

Your wife then has to become aware of what you expect in a wife, and be told to make a decison about what type of wife she plans to be.

If you are a great husband, she will choose to be a great wife, once you verbalize what you expect.

Don't ask her alot of questions. Make more statements about what you expect and how you expect it.

For example... "Wife you should be getting all dolled up like that for ouri date nites".. Don't try to trap her into admitting or not admitting something.
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Hicks said:
You have to get over the fear of divorce. You have to be absolutely sure you are a great husband and she is happy in her life and you are the source of her happiness.

Your wife then has to become aware of what you expect in a wife, and be told to make a decison about what type of wife she plans to be.

If you are a great husband, she will choose to be a great wife, once you verbalize what you expect.

Don't ask her alot of questions. Make more statements about what you expect and how you expect it.

For example... "Wife you should be getting all dolled up like that for ouri date nites".. Don't try to trap her into admitting or not admitting something.
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I do have a fear of divorce... does it really come across that clearly?

I'm mostly afraid of losing my kids and getting taken to the cleaners financially. Her not working for so many years and having zero desire to return had me behind the 8 ball.

I think I'm a pretty good husband and father. There is always room for improvement and I'm trying. If I treated my responsibilities like she treats her, our lives wouldn't be pretty.

The tip about trapping is good...I think maybe I am guilty of that. I asked a question hoping for an answer ..even though I knew it wasn't coming.

Thanks Hicks...
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C
Women know full well the importance of beauty to men. There is a constant competition between women and I don't think the extra measure of care when "being compared" to the women friends is unusual. Early in my career I had occasion to manage an entire department of women and the dynamics are powerful. The most beautiful of them does not have an easy life as they all tear on her.

All this competition is for the attention of men. What jumps out at me is your wife feels secure in you and does not feel the need to impress you. We have a bit more tension there as I have a sex rank advantage that I would hate to give up. Also, there are no guarantees for us and we are a work in progress. Even so, I bet my wife's attitude would not be any different, probably because, in her mind, our relationship is more multifaceted and complex now and has advanced beyond beauty.
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Charmed37
We have been married for 20 years. About 12 of those I have been a SAHM. Our kids are older now and I sometimes just wondered, well what do I do now? I did the friend/lunch date thing for a while but it wasn't enough and got a bit boring. It may for her too. I have found a lot of satisfaction in going back to school. I take some of the standard classes needed to finish my degree. But I also sneak in a fun class each semester just for myself. Employers don't look to kindly at SAHM's and think we have just been sitting on our @ss eatting bon bons for years. Boy, I wish that were true! :) So hopefully soon I will have a better degree to throw at them. Maybe your wife is just trying to find herself again after many years of service to others? Offer her suggestions of other activities or possibly offer her a job at your business. How long has she had this much free time on her hands?

As far as the yoga/working out thing, I wouldn't be to hard on her about that one. No matter what her reason for doing it, you will still reap the benefits of her labors. You will have a wife that feels better about herself, looks better and that can do wonders for a womans actions in all other areas of her life.
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C
My situation is like yours--wife SAHM for 16 years, own my own business. In 2008, the economy tanked and we had to start to talk about her going back to work before she was ready. We are a few years older than you and she did reenter the workforce in 2010. Even part-time, this has not been easy and she harbors resentment because she is a "super mom" who can't manage all of the kid details she'd like to. IMO manage this carefully because the world of work can be a perilous and stressful place today. Also, with the unemployment situation as it is, a SAHM with dated skills can find re-entry challenging. If you look at this time as a "transitional" time she might find a vision of the future she can get behind and animate herself toward.

Life's new chapters, no matter how exciting, usually bring some anxiety too.
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Emerald
I agree with you. She sounds complacent & takes you for granted.

Why do you want her to work? She seems pretty happy doing yoga & going out with her girlfriends? Are you resentful? I would be.
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D
Be a man and tell her it's time to get a job. Stick up for your own beliefs and needs for a change. Don't be a whiney little boy about it seeking desperately for her approval. That doesn't go over with most women.

God what I wouldn't give to have finding something to occupy all the free time I have as my only worry...
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Brokken
It's ok ur not rambling ....lol u just needed to get it off ur chest.. I agree with the others
She's taking u for granted ...u need to sit her down and let her knw how u feel..

If she doesn't wake up and change ... Give her a taste of her own Med's ..u start enjoying ur fruit of ur own labor ... She sure is enjoying it and doesn't appreciate
You ..or respect your marriage ... You sound like a nice reasonable man ..
I hope it works out for you...
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M
You see her almost exclusively for what she does or doesn't do, not for what she means to you. You dont mention almost any good things about her. Perhaps she also wonders if you care as well.
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Memento said:
You see her almost exclusively for what she does or doesn't do, not for what she means to you. You dont mention almost any good things about her. Perhaps she also wonders if you care as well.
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That's because he's a guy. :rolleyes:
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D
Guys have a hard time admitting that stuff it seems...
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DayDream said:
Guys have a hard time admitting that stuff it seems...
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I think they forget women als like to feel validated and loved, from time to time. And they also have a hard time believing we don't read their minds!
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Memento said:
I think they forget women als like to feel validated and loved, from time to time. And they also have a hard time believing we don't read their minds!
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True! :)
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A
I'm mostly afraid of losing my kids and getting taken to the cleaners financially. Her not working for so many years and having zero desire to return had me behind the 8 ball.
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Not afraid of losing HER? That's interesting. Maybe you don't care anymore either (about your primary relationship).
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Emerald said:
I agree with you. She sounds complacent & takes you for granted.

Why do you want her to work? She seems pretty happy doing yoga & going out with her girlfriends? Are you resentful? I would be.
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I never thought about it that much, but I guess I am resentful of her being semi-retired while I'm responsible for providing for our future and retirement... She doesn't take the SAHM thing very seriously anymore because our house is the picture of disorganization... being cared for by someone who doesn't care that much. She does care about projects outside the home in a big way.
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working on me said:
I never thought about it that much, but I guess I am resentful of her being semi-retired while I'm responsible for providing for our future and retirement... She doesn't take the SAHM thing very seriously anymore because our house is the picture of disorganization... being cared for by someone who doesn't care that much. She does care about projects outside the home in a big way.
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If she kept the house up better would you feel differently?
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Memento said:
You see her almost exclusively for what she does or doesn't do, not for what she means to you. You dont mention almost any good things about her. Perhaps she also wonders if you care as well.
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Fair enough... I was too much of a nice guy in the past. I've been trying to change that. She think I don't appreciate what she does, I do know that. She tends to exaggerate her daily stuff. For example rescheduling a school meeting with 3 other people took a whole afternoon apparently. That doesn't fly with me.

I tell my kids, the day I stop being a pain in their behinds and making sure they do everything is the day they know I've stopped caring.
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A Bit Much said:
Not afraid of losing HER? That's interesting. Maybe you don't care anymore either (about your primary relationship).
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You are right... the thought of divorce has been on my mind for the past number of months. I feel like I deserve better.

I've printed out the list of needs from His Needs / Her Needs, but have be hesitant to go through them with her...

I'm not sure why I'm hesitant... avoiding confrontation probably because she responds emotionally whenever I show any dissatisfaction with anything...
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working on me said:
You are right... the thought of divorce has been on my mind for the past number of months. I feel like I deserve better.

I've printed out the list of needs from His Needs / Her Needs, but have be hesitant to go through them with her...

I'm not sure why I'm hesitant... avoiding confrontation probably because she responds emotionally whenever I show any dissatisfaction with anything...
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Emotion is a good thing. When she stops responding at all is when you should be worried.

She's the other half of this dynamic. She should know exactly how you feel 100%. Either she can choose to work on it with you to make it better or do nothing and let your marriage continue to suffer. At least give her an opportunity to address what you perceive is wrong.
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