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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have dealt with this issue with my current partner and in prior relationships.

I think I can speak not only for myself but for (a few, at least) other women..... That is, if you choose to spend time around someone, even prioritise her and so on..... what makes you think that when you say "oh, but she's psycho" "I don't find her all that attractive anyway". "You're much better than she is"

If a guy says any of the above but still chooses to hang out with his "friend", his actions, in my view, have just negated what he has said.

Perhaps some of you can enlighten me on this disconnect.
 

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Gas-lighting. Trying to throw off your suspicions or make you feel paranoid so you won't catch on to what's really going on.

Maybe he does think she's psycho, but, he likes the attention all the same and he's a junky for that external validation.
 
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Cake-eating. Makes him look like a good guy for being 'loyal' but also makes the other woman think he's 'loyal' and doesn't want to hurt 'psycho's' feelings, so the other woman 'understands' and wants too 'help' so lets him go on with the 'psycho' woman and also doesn't engage in any kind of truth-telling to the 'psycho' woman because obviously she's nuts...however if the other woman does approach the 'psycho' woman and the 'psycho' woman tells the truth about the guy and how mean and abusive he is to her, the other woman won't believe her, because obviously, she's 'psycho.'
Been the 'psycho' woman...the funny thing is, if you stay involved with this kind of manipulative cake-eater, you really will need psych care. :-o
 

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I think I was reading the OP's post differently. I envisioned a WH telling his BW that his "just a friend" is a psycho that he pities in order to deflect genuine concern voiced by the BW about the inappropriate nature of the EA. by making it seem like the OW is lame, it makes the BW feel nutty for being upset. It seems to be part of the gas-lighting strategy to facilitate affairs. It's a cover.

(My stbxh did that; by evoking my pity, he ensured that I wouldn't pressure him to stop talking to the OW's. I realized I was being played when I found emails indicating that his cheating was worse than I'd guessed initially.)

However, if WH is calling BW psycho to the OW, then it's just a line he's feeding in order to cake-eat, IMO. Re-writing marital history.

(My stbxh did this to discredit me when I minimally exposed. Wish I'd learned how to expose properly. Oh well. This seemed like a tool to help him cheat and also a way of justifying his actions.)

Both of these are insidious and gross.
 
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
In my case, my fiance came clean and admitted that his "just a friend" ex asked him more than a few times, what did he see in this 50 yo woman (me that is). She was 29 herself, so I guess with this youth oriented society that we live in, she assumed that she had the trump card over me.

When I asked my fiance about her, well, he told me that she was "mercuarial" that "I am better than she is" and that "she has a lot of emotional problems."

For you men reading this, the more you want to spend time around someone who has serious (social) handicaps, the more that I assume that you're in love with this woman.

At some point, I think that smart people (both men and women) read people's actions more than what they say.

but I am still open to hearing about other people's situations.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
So tbh, I am looking for men's experience in which they thought playing down the value of their OW (even if in an "only" inappropriate situation) to their partner.

And also looking to hear from other women that had to deal with their partners trying to give them a false sense of security in regards to another woman who was hanging around a little too much.
 

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exH thought he was good at giving that false sense of security.

always insulting his ea partner in the most degrading ways.Ways he'd never speak about anyone else.That was a big warning to me.If he was willing to change his whole pattern of expression to describe this person...he is protesting too much and giving himself away.
 

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In that nastiest of condescending tones, I learn upon asking my beloved, that "HES JUST A FRIEND", you are sooooo whiny."

That was the only time I ever came close to getting physical.
Because I knew exactly what was going on.
 

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Eh, I've said things like that in the past, but not because I was having an affair with the woman in question or wanted one. (Not "she's a psycho" exactly, but slightly negative comments.) I just did it purely because I didn't want my wife to feel threatened, because there was nothing for her to feel threatened about.

(To make absolutely clear, I'm not talking about spending time with another woman one-on-one. I just mean at social occasions, parties etc.)

If you want to ask: why not just say there is nothing to worry about? It's because telling your wife "there is nothing to worry about" is even more suspicious than saying "she's a psycho anyway" or whatever.
 

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And also looking to hear from other women that had to deal with their partners trying to give them a false sense of security in regards to another woman who was hanging around a little too much.
He divorced me to go back to her psycho ass. He used to tell me negative things about her all the time, all while he was confiding in her and seeing her behind my back. Calling me insecure the whole time, that I had issues.
 

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So tbh, I am looking for men's experience in which they thought playing down the value of their OW (even if in an "only" inappropriate situation) to their partner.

And also looking to hear from other women that had to deal with their partners trying to give them a false sense of security in regards to another woman who was hanging around a little too much.
You are looking for responses from men that cheated on, and gas-lighted their spouse.
Aren't a whole lot of those that post around here.

I had a somewhat similar circumstance in that my ex-fiance used to contact me every once in a while. Was a check-in more than anything. Usually little more than "How's life?". I always told my spouse. Always. Took a huge emotional toll on her. I should have nipped it in the bud, and didn't. I was wrong.

I thought by telling my then wife, and making it clear that I loved her and not my ex, that somehow I was absolved. I had no intention of carrying on an affair, or even a relationship for that matter with my ex. Loved my spouse. But ... didn't matter how I felt about it. What mattered was how she felt about it, and the impact it had on her ability to feel close to me.

Wish I had handled it differently.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
You are looking for responses from men that cheated on, and gas-lighted their spouse.
Aren't a whole lot of those that post around here.

I had a somewhat similar circumstance in that my ex-fiance used to contact me every once in a while. Was a check-in more than anything. Usually little more than "How's life?". I always told my spouse. Always. Took a huge emotional toll on her. I should have nipped it in the bud, and didn't. I was wrong.

I thought by telling my then wife, and making it clear that I loved her and not my ex, that somehow I was absolved. I had no intention of carrying on an affair, or even a relationship for that matter with my ex. Loved my spouse. But ... didn't matter how I felt about it. What mattered was how she felt about it, and the impact it had on her ability to feel close to me.

Wish I had handled it differently.
Deejo, thanks for sharing. What made your marriage with respective wife above collapse. Something else or a little of everything that includes the above?
 
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