[Kevinsh]

I’m in my late 30s and been married for almost 7 years. I started feeling I don’t love her anymore and don’t want to be with her almost a year ago, but our marriage problems have been shaping for a long time before that. She is the type of person who likes to relax most of the time at home and take things slowly, I am the type of person who’s always trying to plan for things, find new businesses to start, staying active, try new things. She is the opposite, risk-averse, doesn’t mind sleeping in staying home and watch TV all day. I know I take life too seriously sometimes and don’t allow myself to enjoy the present and I’m not arguing here one way is better than the other; it’s just that we have different perspectives in life.
We both made mistakes during the years. She left most of our household responsibilities to me. She works on and off, but I am responsible for all of our household expenses including her student loan, car payment, etc. She did other things that hurt me and were selfish; I wasn’t good at showing my emotions and trying to have a true emotional connection. I also never confronted her when something bothered me until it got to a point that I felt I couldn’t take it anymore and I don’t have feelings for her.
We’ve been talking about our issues recently and after lots of arguments and struggles I can see she is trying to change, but what she is trying to do doesn’t seem enough to me anymore and I don’t want to be in this marriage. She is a good person and I think she did all these things during the years without realizing she is hurting me and was my fault to run away from confronting her, but now I’m here and seriously considering a divorce. I’m scared of making this decision and don’t want to hurt her and I know I will be hurting her anyways by staying in a loveless marriage.
We don't have kids and we're about the same age.

 

[jlg07]

Have you done any individual counseling? Sounds like you need to so that you can be more emotionally available for your partner (wife, or any in the future).
Also, you both should try MC -- you need someone to help you both communicate. You may find that if you BOTH start talking and be honest with each other, things can change for the better.

 

[Vorpal]

Divorce amicably. You’ll both be happier. No kids. No problem. Also, leave now before the magic 10 year mark, I.e., long term marriage in the law’s eyes. You can be paying alimony until she remarries.

 

[Kevinsh]

Have you done any individual counseling? Sounds like you need to so that you can be more emotionally available for your partner (wife, or any in the future).
Also, you both should try MC -- you need someone to help you both communicate. You may find that if you BOTH start talking and be honest with each other, things can change for the better.

I tried individual counseling. It helped me figure out somethings like why I stay away from confrontations. Suggested MC to my wife, she is not comfortable with it. Maybe I should push her one more time to give it a try. After almost a year of arguments and struggles, I don't know if I have the energy for it either.

 

[nekonamida]

If it were me, I would tell her I wanted a divorce and let her suggest MC and do the legwork of finding the counselor and booking sessions. Counseling only works if you do what the counselor recommends. If she only goes under threat of divorce, it's a waste of time and money.

 

[aine]

Be honest with her and tell her what is at stake. If she knows you are thinking of divorce she may be more amenable to MC.

 

[BluesPower]

First, honestly, you sound so young and immature. That is not an insult so please don't take it that way.

Second, because you are young you will not believe what I am saying next but I have to try. You think you have to be type A and set the world on fire. We all do at a young age, but if you are smart you will understand that there is a balance. If you do not learn it now, YOU and your relationships will suffer for it the rest of your life.

Third, if you are done the just be honest. And you need therapy about why you do not communicate. You need to learn that whether you stay in your marriage or not...

 

[jlg07]

I tried individual counseling. It helped me figure out somethings like why I stay away from confrontations. Suggested MC to my wife, she is not comfortable with it. Maybe I should push her one more time to give it a try. After almost a year of arguments and struggles, I don't know if I have the energy for it either.

So, for the MC, my suggestion is to try to get your wife to agree. At this point, you have nothing to lose and at least you can say that you tried everything you could before you give up.

 

[Mr.Married]

I tried individual counseling. It helped me figure out somethings like why I stay away from confrontations. Suggested MC to my wife, she is not comfortable with it. Maybe I should push her one more time to give it a try. After almost a year of arguments and struggles, I don't know if I have the energy for it either.

Well would you want her to go for no other reason than save her butt from divorce or want her to do it because it is the best thing for y’all as a couple???

You already gave her the couple option...

No kids.... no problems. I would move on. If you stay you will likely just find yourself back here in a couple years anyways..... wasted years of mental anguish

 

[Angelwanderer]

Hi. A break will do you both good. If that means divorce then so be it.

You are too different and both of you too young to let this status quo become rooted inside your marriage. By staying, you're saying to her it's ok to be this way and, inadvertently, committing yourself to accepting it.

Take a break.

-A

Wrote a letter about a troubled marriage. It became a novel. It's mostly fiction wink Love Hurts: When Breaking Up Is The Right Thing To Do

 

[Kevinsh]

Hi. A break will do you both good. If that means divorce then so be it.

You are too different and both of you too young to let this status quo become rooted inside your marriage. By staying, you're saying to her it's ok to be this way and, inadvertently, committing yourself to accepting it.

Take a break.

-A

Wrote a letter about a troubled marriage. It became a novel. It's mostly fiction wink Love Hurts: When Breaking Up Is The Right Thing To Do

A few months ago I suggested living separately for a while. She didn't want to do it and she thought I am trying to test full separation before making the final decision. I was tired of my living situation and wanted a break, but she was kind of right too. If I would have been more comfortable on my own maybe I wouldn't have come back again.

 

[Married but Happy]

A few months ago I suggested living separately for a while. She didn't want to do it and she thought I am trying to test full separation before making the final decision. I was tired of my living situation and wanted a break, but she was kind of right too. If I would have been more comfortable on my own maybe I wouldn't have come back again.

If that's how it turns out, then why go back? Just divorce and move on.

 

[aine]

A few months ago I suggested living separately for a while. She didn't want to do it and she thought I am trying to test full separation before making the final decision. I was tired of my living situation and wanted a break, but she was kind of right too. If I would have been more comfortable on my own maybe I wouldn't have come back again.

Sometimes spouses look to their partner to make them happy. Is this what you are doing? There must be some reason you married her? You have to know that noone else can make you happy, only you an make yourself happy by dealing with your own demons, you baggage, etc. Having hobbies, building yourself up, etc. You have not really specified why you want a divorce other than that she is the opposite of you. Remember opposites attract, is this really the problem?

 

[Kevinsh]

Sometimes spouses look to their partner to make them happy. Is this what you are doing? There must be some reason you married her? You have to know that noone else can make you happy, only you an make yourself happy by dealing with your own demons, you baggage, etc. Having hobbies, building yourself up, etc. You have not really specified why you want a divorce other than that she is the opposite of you. Remember opposites attract, is this really the problem?

I kept telling myself that I should not look for happiness outside and I am responsible for my happiness. But being in an unhappy stressful environment makes it hard. I guess being opposites is what attracted us in the first place. But having different hobbies, different goals and approaches in life and not enjoying the same circle of friends distanced me from her. She did things that were wrong and hurtful to me like being financially irresponsible, having her parents live with us for about 8 months without checking with me if I am okay with it. I knew they are visiting but I didn't know this will be an open-ended stay and they will stay with us for that long. It was my fault to never man up and confront her on issues that bothered me. I tried to avoid the arguments and confrontations. She is the type that gets very emotional when I tell her she is doing something wrong. Example: when I finally told her I am not comfortable with her parents living with us and I don't have my privacy, she started crying and screaming and told her mom that my husband wants you to leave while I hade to stand there and look her mom in the eyes.
The problem is I can't find the spark in me anymore and the way I'm looking at it, I don't find any benefits for me in this relationship. I feel selfish thinking this way about my marriage but these are the thoughts that keep coming in my mind: Am I just hurt or I really don't love her anymore. Why should I stay in this relationship? What am I gaining?

 

[aine]

yes, these are very hurtful things and show a lack of respect for you and your views. However, you are partly responsible for not bringing the issue up there and then. You cannot expect a spouse to guess what you are thinking or feeling. Spouses come from different backgrounds with different expectations. One spouse may assume it is their (and their spouses) duty to take care of parents for example, another coming from a different background may think otherwise. These matters must be raised and discussed, not buried for some time and then become resentful.
You are the leader of your home, therefore should be willing to bring up issues.
I sense that you are not western, am I right? Though you live in USA.
I guess things are so far gone, you do not think you can have an open discussion about these issues? Do you think you will move to another relationship and once again bury how you feel and not express your needs?

 

[Livvie]

yes, these are very hurtful things and show a lack of respect for you and your views. However, you are partly responsible for not bringing the issue up there and then. You cannot expect a spouse to guess what you are thinking or feeling. Spouses come from different backgrounds with different expectations. One spouse may assume it is their (and their spouses) duty to take care of parents for example, another coming from a different background may think otherwise. These matters must be raised and discussed, not buried for some time and then become resentful.
You are the leader of your home, therefore should be willing to bring up issues.
I sense that you are not western, am I right? Though you live in USA.
I guess things are so far gone, you do not think you can have an open discussion about these issues? Do you think you will move to another relationship and once again bury how you feel and not express your needs?

Hmmm why is HE the leader of their home?

 

[MattMatt]

Hmmm why is HE the leader of their home?

Because when a spouse pulls a stunt like this:-

"She is the type that gets very emotional when I tell her she is doing something wrong. Example: when I finally told her I am not comfortable with her parents living with us and I don't have my privacy, she started crying and screaming and told her mom that my husband wants you to leave while I hade to stand there and look her mom in the eyes."

Someone needs to show leadership. And it can't be the wife, now can it?

 

[Kevinsh]

Hmmm why is HE the leader of their home?

It does feel I'm the leader and yes it was out of necessity. Someone had to take care of things. My therapist said my desire to have this leadership role and satisfaction I receive from doing it and her desire to have someone to rely on and take care of her is one of the things that attracted us to each other. But I don't feel happy about this and I do like to have a partner who would take responsibility and we can build a life together.

 

[Kevinsh]

yes, these are very hurtful things and show a lack of respect for you and your views. However, you are partly responsible for not bringing the issue up there and then. You cannot expect a spouse to guess what you are thinking or feeling. Spouses come from different backgrounds with different expectations. One spouse may assume it is their (and their spouses) duty to take care of parents for example, another coming from a different background may think otherwise. These matters must be raised and discussed, not buried for some time and then become resentful.
You are the leader of your home, therefore should be willing to bring up issues.
I sense that you are not western, am I right? Though you live in USA.
I guess things are so far gone, you do not think you can have an open discussion about these issues? Do you think you will move to another relationship and once again bury how you feel and not express your needs?

I agree. I should have confronted her when I saw something I didn't like and felt wrong. And yes we live in USA but not originally from here.
Your last two sentences are exactly my concerns; maybe things are so far gone and what if I end this relationship and find myself in the same mess again a few years down the road.

 

[aine]

I agree. I should have confronted her when I saw something I didn't like and felt wrong. And yes we live in USA but not originally from here.
Your last two sentences are exactly my concerns; maybe things are so far gone and what if I end this relationship and find myself in the same mess again a few years down the road.

I think you should continue to work on yourself with your own therapist and become the man you want to be. Tell your wife you are doing this and suggest she do the same.
Then make a decision to see what you want to do. Give yourself a timeframe.