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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello, I am new to this, but I am looking for any help available. If I may explain my situation briefly. I am 31 and have a 13 year old son from my first marriage. We have been living with my fiance for about 2.5 years. My situation is this. My son and fiance are constantly arguing. I am not going to say that its always one's fault, but they both contribute to this. At times I get really hurt and upset for being put in the middle. Its not as easy as saying I should never pick a man before my son, but it is really not like that, they argue for stupid reasons, but eventually get ugly with each other. My fiance was raised in a very abusive house (and what I could discribe and very cold, distant family). I was raised in a house with alot of love, the family ate at the dinner table, helped each other out in any way possible. ( My parents, only sister, and me still talk everyday).
We argue alot on what is the right way. He believes I baby my son too much and that my family in very dependent of each other. He believes that a 13 year old son is too old for me to tell him "I love You" every night. My fiance gets upset if my son and I play board games or even if I play (once in a while, not all the time) playstation with him. I like and look for things to do with my son. My fiance is constantly me comparing me with him mom. He is constantly saying, "my mom never did that or this". When ever i get to the point of yelling, he gets abusive and cusses at my son and I. Ill describe one incident with my fiance and his dad so you could understand. IF anyone ever asks him waht his dad ever did for him. He answers by explaining that when my fiance broke his nose as a teenager, his dad said " good, now when you look at your self you will remember, what you did" Up to now he has a a crooked nose and breathing problems. but never fixed it because his dad gave him that. See what I mean. There are times when my son and I have to whisper and tippy toe around the house so we wont upset my fiance. Is that abuse or are my son and I used to living only with each other and not anyone else.

My question. How do I know who is doing the right thing. If my son needs more discipline, I might be too soft. If my fiance is too hard and not caring, how is it going to affect my son.

Please help me.
 

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I have to agree with the above post. Now while i dont live in your house to know EXACTLY how it goes, from what you describe your fiance is totally in the wrong. I can tell you that while I dont have children, there wont be a day that passes when I am a mother that I wont tell my child that I live them, no matter what age. My husband is 33 and is VERY close his parents. His mother still babies him, and while that is a little annoying bc she's overbearing, thats just their way, and I deal with it....She always says I love you, as does he, and I am the same way with my sisters and parents. Not everyday, but often enough....

I think its wonderful that you try to connect with your son by playing board games and playstation with him, and I can assure you that he probably thinks its pretty cool of you, too, to do things that he's into with him. Thats what is important. Now, if your fiance doesnt understand that, then he is not the one for you. You may love him, but in 5 yrs, of screaming and yelling and telling you how to raise your child, you wont. It will tear you and your son apart as well. And if and when you have children together and he has even more of a right to parent, whats gonna happen then? You obviously have very different outlooks on parenting as well as other things, and thats just one thing that shouldnt be negotiable when starting a life together. You both need to be on the same page and if youre not, then you shouldnt be together.
Maybe you should both try a parenting class together to help communicate and compromise???

Hope this helps, and good luck.
 

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I am going to one up my post.

I own a store where we have mostly young people 10-30 as customers. All of my regulars I know by name and I know much of their lives since they often spend atleast 10 plus hours a week in my store.

The ones that have parents like you, skip school less, cheat less, are less likely to get into trouble, are happier and do better in school. They also grow up having healthier relationships.

Now keep in mind I have about 1200 regulars in my store. The ones that have parents like you are the best.

Further, I grew up with a father like your boyfriend. It never gets better and he will hate him. He might bring that attitude into relationships with him. He will not turn to you when he is troubled or tempted by peer pressure.

I have seen this from all angles, you have to believe me when I say it isn't worth it. The more strict the step is the more your son will rebel if not now soon after he gets out of the house ruining his young life.

Further you should never have to walk on egg shells for anyone ever period.

He is verbally abusive and you fail to acknowledge it.

You can not save the guy you are dating. But you can save your son.

He also is already making excuses for physical abuse. That is coming soon. Maybe right after marriage.

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I thank you for responding. I am seriously considering leaving. This past weekend, we had another blow up, and when he saw me ready to leave, we stopped, calmed down, and talked. He said he wants to go to counseling and talk things over with whom ever about what is going on. I am not making excuses to stay with him, I am ready to walk away, but if he really looks for help and sticks with it, then I am willing to work with him. He cries about his life growing up, and constantly tells me he doesnt want that for his life and children. His sister is going through the same scenario, she is only 25 and divorcing for the third time. They are good people that have been scarred in the most horrible way. If I would get into detail with what they endured, you would think I am writing a horror story. NOW I am not ready and willing to let my son live with any residue of that hell my fiance was put through, so I am willing to stay only while getting serious help. If I see that it is not going to happen, please trust in me that I will walk away and never look back. My son is my life and my most precious gift. I rather stay alone for ever, than stay in an abusive relationship. I do however believe that my fiance is a man with a beautiful heart that has been hurt so badly he is afraid to get hurt again so acts wrong with the idea of losing control. If counseling doesnt fix it fast and for good, unfortunately, he is going to have to share that heart with someone else, and not me. My wish right now is to be able to find someone or in my fiance a good partner, that could help me raise a good man. My ex husband is not close to being a positive role model, so I wish my son could see responsibility, love, and respect around him. As much as I try to be a good mother and at times a friend to my son, he does tell me he wishes he had a good father to guide him. He does admire how my fiance is always checking on his grades and helps him with projects and is very strong in education. My fiance encourages reading, writing, keeping healty, being responsible, and being honest. We all agree that my fiance's problem is anger stored inside caused by his abusive father. If it would be fixed, it would be great. If its not going to change, unfortunately I am going to have to leave, no matter how good he is when he is not mad because he is starting to be mad more and more. As of right now, I have made a few calls to family therapists and counselors, I am going to help fast and hope for the best. If not, I am going to have to do what is best, and that is leave. Thank your for listening and responding. I will keep you posted on what is happening.
 

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Hi Jess,

I would like to just emphasize that it is absolutely crucial that you make it a condition on your current partner or future partners that he accepts you and your son as a package and that you either like it (actually love it) or lump it.

Please do not have a relationship where your son is forced to be number two in the relationship. He deserves better and remember he's the innocent guy who had no say in this.

I know you know this but here it is again: Your son is priority one, two and three!

All the best.

Cheers
 

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This past weekend, we had another blow up, and when he saw me ready to leave, we stopped, calmed down, and talked. He said he wants to go to counseling and talk things over with whom ever about what is going on. I am not making excuses to stay with him, I am ready to walk away, but if he really looks for help and sticks with it, then I am willing to work with him. .
I really hope he changes, but he should be on his last chance. Remember most abusers are chrismatic, they will tell you what you want to hear, like they are willing to change.


emate1209 ~ is right, your son is your only priority. Saving this guy should never shadow your son or the great relationship you have with him.

draconis
 

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Jess in a blended family the step parents role should never ever be one of the disciplinarian. It should be one of love and support, easing your burden with enforcing the guidelines you have put in place for your Son, not by creating new ones.
 
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