[Marc878]

@Marc878 I have been mulling over the concept of reconciliation as a gift for awhile now. At this pomt I disagree. If I was to reconcile (way back when ) it would have only been for two reasons. Frist I thpught she hadnte chacter to do pretty much everything poster advise to look for. Second, because and ONLY BRCAUSE it was what I DECIEDED was best for me and ONLY ME.

Hard to see that asba gift.

If I offer someone something that they don't have what is that?

In my mind it's a gift. If you don't offer it's nothing.

 

[Hantei]

Correct however your post somehow (I fail to see the connection to but it did) clicked with a substantial amount of anger I'm feeling now.

You see they spent around $600 on Sunday and my kid was happy but mentioned he wished I was there and normally I'd be happy as Larry about him getting what he wants. But the only thing on my mind today is why the hell it has to be so difficult now (and will get more difficult as we go)?

From what I can gather from the myriad of posts I have read from TAM and other websites, a BS who reconciles with their WS initially are happy when R does occur, but then when they ask those who have been in R for ten years or so about 50% overall say that they wish they would have divorced the WS back when they had the chance to do so. But of those, the males are about 70% saying they wish they would have divorced.

 

[86857]

Be prepared!!!!

Your feelings/thoughts will change daily at least. Hers as well.

Make no commitment without some thought behind it.

You are in for the roller coaster ride of your life. Probably more so than the up front affair discovery.

However, you have support that have been there before you.

Good luck man

Brilliant @Marc878, especially the part I have bolded.

@Hantei - great when you said you were glad WS was well enough to meet son as planned. You are acknowledging, no matter what, WS is his Mom & we only get one. Hard to feel like that while dealing with the fact she nuked the family, as well as dealing with emotions of betrayal which are HORRIBLE . Your son is lucky - he has a damn fine Dad .

Also good that WS doesn't 'turn on the tears'. It muddies things up as you wouldn't know when she was genuinely sad etc.

Loved the beer discussion. Hang on to your sense of humour as much as you can.

IMO 'moral obligation' should NOT be a factor in deciding R. It should be for YOU, 100%. May sound harsh but I don't think it should even be for your son. As a poster said, he's old enough that the damage is done. If he was only 5 years old, it would be different IMO.
Happy Dad = Happy Son.

Also maybe read some R threads to get a sense of what's ahead if you do R. Might give you an idea of whether you're a BS who can handle it.

PS No whimper icon required. Your thread is getting a lot of airplay cos you are doing it by the book & taking note of what posters say which will result in the best possible outcome for you whichever way it goes. As you said 90% predict the trajectory well. . . cos they've been there. Your way of handling it will be an inspiration for future BS who end up on here.
So, keep posting!
PPS Hope I don't sound didactic or preachy.

 

[Marc878]

Correct however your post somehow (I fail to see the connection to but it did) clicked with a substantial amount of anger I'm feeling now.

You see they spent around $600 on Sunday and my kid was happy but mentioned he wished I was there and normally I'd be happy as Larry about him getting what he wants. But the only thing on my mind today is why the hell it has to be so difficult now (and will get more difficult as we go)?

It's normal. You see what this has done to your life, family and future.

You will have different stages. Everyone is different, sorry you're going through this.
1st - normally shock
2nd - anger
3rd- sadness

However, try not to let your emotions overrule your head on your course of action. Easier said than done I know.

 

[JohnA]

@Marc878 I get where younger coming from. I do. But in the end the BS first needs to do it for himself based on some level of reassurance that the WS will not repeat past behavior. (which is usually close to what 20% they will keep their word. Yes I might be high with that number but some people do win the lottery.)

Be Well

 

[JohnA]

@Marc878 I get where younger coming from. I do. But in the end the BS first needs to do it for himself based on some level of reassurance that the WS will not repeat past behavior. (which is usually close to what 20% they will keep their word. Yes I might be high with that number but some people do win the lottery.)

Be Well

 

[Hantei]

No you are not, but even if you do I value the feedback.

Actually didactic would be really good right now

Brilliant @Marc878, especially the part I have bolded.

@Hantei - great when you said you were glad WS was well enough to meet son as planned. You are acknowledging, no matter what, WS is his Mom & we only get one. Hard to feel like that while dealing with the fact she nuked the family, as well as dealing with emotions of betrayal which are HORRIBLE . Your son is lucky - he has a damn fine Dad .

Also good that WS doesn't 'turn on the tears'. It muddies things up as you wouldn't know when she was genuinely sad etc.

Loved the beer discussion. Hang on to your sense of humour as much as you can.

IMO 'moral obligation' should NOT be a factor in deciding R. It should be for YOU, 100%. May sound harsh but I don't think it should even be for your son. As a poster said, he's old enough that the damage is done. If he was only 5 years old, it would be different IMO.
Happy Dad = Happy Son.

Also maybe read some R threads to get a sense of what's ahead if you do R. Might give you an idea of whether you're a BS who can handle it.

PS No whimper icon required. Your thread is getting a lot of airplay cos you are doing it by the book & taking note of what posters say which will result in the best possible outcome for you whichever way it goes. As you said 90% predict the trajectory well. . . cos they've been there. Your way of handling it will be an inspiration for future BS who end up on here.
So, keep posting!
PPS Hope I don't sound didactic or preachy.

 

[Hantei]

2a. Disgust.

It's normal. You see what this has done to your life, family and future.

You will have different stages. Everyone is different, sorry you're going through this.
1st - normally shock
2nd - anger
3rd- sadness

However, try not to let your emotions overrule your head on your course of action. Easier said than done I know.

 

[ing]

I had the chance to genuinely reconcile on a couple of occasions.

The thing I could not reconcile was that after so many years I could be so easily discarded.
After the initial pain the other things that I found difficult were deeper and more worrying

How can anyone put their happiness above that of their kids welfare?
I do understand that there are times when removing the kid from a parent is essential. Just to get your jollies though. Really. Who is this?

How is it okay to expect that I will be waiting for when finished?
I also got the "didn't fight for marriage" line. I still have no idea what it means and really it no longer matters

I would always feel like she had settled for me. Not just since the affair but always. When I look back over that quarter of a century and compare it to my new relationships it is easy to see that I was never her type. I was never going to be good enough.

Funnily enough I also had a MIL that thought I was out of my league since I made my own way. For the record I made good money and as the money went up, I had more time . The more successful I was, the more it appeared like I was doing nothing. This irritated MIL no end because she wanted her daughter to have a man with a "proper job"

What about if I am sick, disabled and not able to function as I do now. What then? Will she just bu(gg)er off again?

Now.. I am different . I will not put up with this. I would rather be alone. at least you can plan things based on reality then. I am not alone but no longer fear it.

 

[GusPolinski]

I also got the "didn't fight for marriage" line. I still have no idea what it means and really it no longer matters

It means that she noticed when you stopped giving her ego kibbles.

It stung a little when you decided to stop being a supplier, but it didn't really matter because she was still getting her fix from OM.

But later on, when things w/ OM fell through, and the cotton candy-scented unicorn fart fog started to dissipate, that's when she decided that, though you'd committed this egregious -- and, in any other set of circumstances, unforgivable -- offense, she'd forgive you for it.

And how DARE you not avail yourself of such a gracious gift!

 

[TDSC60]

"Didn't fight for the marriage"? I have seen that mentioned by a couple of poster now as coming from WWs.

How can you fight for something that was destroyed the minute she dropped her panties for OM or the minute she tells her husband she is in love with another man? The marriage is no longer an issue, she killed it, it is dead, nothing left to fight for.

Add me to the list of folks who tell you that you DO NOT have a moral obligation to try R even if she offers (personally I don't think she will) Or if she does, it will be more along the lines of "Well we both screwed up. Want to try again?" She left thinking that she would ride off into the sunset with OM. If she comes back now wanting R, you are definitely the Plan B that she is settling for. In her mind you are "better than nothing" which is what she has since OM bailed. Do not be Plan B. You are better than that. Your kid is a teenager. He doesn't have that many more years at home anyway. So staying for him would be pointless. Better to rip that band-aid off now.

 

[TDSC60]

the cotton candy-scented unicorn fart fog

:rofl::lol: Just spit all over my screen.

 

[Hantei]

Quoted snippets from your post do absolutely resonate.

Basically it is me (unless you claim copyright then I'm in infringement).

The thing I could not reconcile was that after so many years I could be so easily discarded.

How can anyone put their happiness above that of their kids welfare?

I also got the "didn't fight for marriage" line. I still have no idea what it means and really it no longer matters

I would always feel like she had settled for me. Not just since the affair but always.

Funnily enough I also had a MIL that thought I was out of my league since I made my own way. For the record I made good money and as the money went up, I had more time . The more successful I was, the more it appeared like I was doing nothing. This irritated MIL no end

What about if I am sick, disabled and not able to function as I do now. What then? Will she just bu(gg)er off again?

Now.. I am different . I will not put up with this. I would rather be alone.

 

[JohnA]

"Didn't fight for the marriage" is just another form of DARVO. My didn't try that line, actually she did not say much after trying a few lame reasons. If she had said it to me, I would have said "really, where were you when WE where suppose to be fighting to save this marriage? Did I miss an email? I would have shown up"!

Since she never offered let her prove you would not have shown!

 

[bandit.45]

Hantei, one more thing to expect...

Since she probably assumes that you do not want her back, and since the OM may have tossed her and slithered off, do not be surprised when you hear she has Man #3 waiting in the wings to step in....some idiot that she has been quietly grooming on the side as a backup plan if all other contingencies fail.

Or their might be more...

 

[Hantei]

You know, 5-6 weeks ago I'd say with no hesitation something like "Bandit, are you nuts?".

Now I say "hmm, it's not like her but who knows?. Wouldn't bet my life on my own judgment here. Thanks for the warning".

Guess since Feb I grew wiser... like 10 years wiser.

Hantei, one more thing to expect...

Since she probably assumes that you do not want her back, and since the OM may have tossed her and slithered off, do not be surprised when you hear she has Man #3 waiting in the wings to step in....some idiot that she has been quietly grooming on the side as a backup plan if all other contingencies fail.

Or their might be more...

 

[JohnA]

Or an emergency street free agent. Lot of them floating around of either gender. Stay focused on yourself avd your son for the next year or so. By the way how is making dinner for yourself and your son going?

 

[Hantei]

By the way how is making dinner for yourself and your son going?

Guilty. Mostly eating out (healthy stuff though - almost).

 

[bandit.45]

You know, 5-6 weeks ago I'd say with no hesitation something like "Bandit, are you nuts?".

Now I say "hmm, it's not like her but who knows?. Wouldn't bet my life on my own judgment here. Thanks for the warning".

Guess since Feb I grew wiser... like 10 years wiser.

Womens' first instinct is self preservation. It is ingrained in them from 20,000 years of watching the menfolk get eaten by saber tooth cats or dying in wars. They are programmed to survive and plan ahead.

 

[aine]

:iagree:

NB. As soon as I'm in control of my emotions I'm not going to offer R even if it will cost me dearly. At least from where I am now.

Got a question though. As many have predicted there may be a point where my STBXW offers me R. Personally I'm not sure but so far the accuracy of the majority here is around 90%.

So if this happens- do I have a moral obligation to accept it or at least try and what could happen if I reject it flat?

Any cases when this has happened (R rejected)?

Sorry Hantei,

I think this is a wrong move, at least without some stipulations as to what you expect from her

1. she needs to accept her role in all of this and to agree to individual counselling to see why she set out to destroy your marriage
Plus all the usual steps, NC letter, access to all (phones, pc,) etc.
2. she has to agree to MC shortly thereafter

3. you have to tell her there are absolutely no promises

4. set a time frame, 12 months (say), if it does not work then move on

Finally, your WW has not had a 'come to Jesus' moment at all, still seems justified in what she did. There can be no R without remorse, plain and simple and so far I'm not seeing it.
i am concerned for you , if you enter into a false R, it may set you back many many steps.

Have you really thought through why you would do this?