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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Last week I hacked my husbands facebook account and found message archives between him and other women, he was trolling and "looking for someone to spend the rest of his life with". I became angry as he has had several EA's in the past, one every few years cyclically with the cycle being broken by a move followed by a summer (06) when I had an online friendship which may qualify as an EA except we weren't like that, we were good friends talking about marital issues. I didn't see him as a boyfriend, it was more like being 13 and having a new best girlfriend. I am not excusing it, this friendship gave me confidence, it was so nice for a an to find value in me, especially since I had been so isolated and my husbands EA's had left my self esteem in shreds.
During this summer(06) I went out with a girlfriend a couple of times and visited her house a couple times, mostly with my kids (she had a pool) Because I never really had gone anywhere or had friends in the past my husband freaked out and swore I was having an affair. I didn't handle this the best, I told him he was being hypocritical and if his EA's and other work flirtations were harmless, how could anything I was doing be wrong?
When he thought he had competition he started being nice to me, and treating my like I had value. He started telling me I was pretty and I thought things were on the mend.
He started drinking more and more and when drunk would fixate on my "affair". He would rant for hours trying to get me to admit to a physical affair. He took all kinds of things I said during that summer to mean I was having an affair. He said I had "gotten even".
Now I have caught him messaging women on facebook, looking up old girlfriends and old EA's from early on in the marriage and messaging female coworkers inappropriately. He says he was just looking for a piece of A** because I have lost interest in sex. Which isn't totally incorrect, I haven't been overly sexual recently, mostly due to his drinking, I cannot stand him anymore when he is drinking. I just wish he would go to sleep. He also states he is just getting even with me for this affair he has blown up in his mind.
He cried last week after he left, stated he loved me and wanted to come home. I am sad and depressed and wish things were different, but I also know this cannot go on for the rest of my life, but we have been together for over 20 years and it is hard to let go.
I talked to him this morning and it was a totally different tune from last week, he was back to "I just did it to get back at you" and being very angry with me.

I feel like such a loser.

We have 4 kids btw, one with special needs
 

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What you haven't mentioned anywhere in your post is what you two are doing to try to fix things. Do you just sweep things under the rug and promise to do better? Have you tried counseling? Reading books like "Not Just Friends" or "His Needs, Her Needs"? Because whatever you've done in the past is obviously not working for you.

C
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 · (Edited)
We went to counseling in 99 after the third time it happened, and we had some real success in 02 when we went to counseling at our church. This was after I caught him with the neighbor woman at 2:30 a.m. in their backyard. I knew he had been infatuated with her, and even though I didn't catch him doing anything this really enraged me. The counseling was also for his addiction issues.

After that we were good for a few years, and we moved to a new house and I really started to feel like I was coming into my own. Raising so many little ones so close in age with spotty help had taken a toll on my self worth. I felt like I couldn't do anything right.

After we made the move, I felt like I could be sexy, and read up on new ways to please my husband. He took this as evidence that I was learning with other people.

After 06 he never let it go that I was a cheater even though I really had just had a friend, which was hypocritical since he has never given up having female friends no matter how upset I got over his EA's.

A couple years after that we had a tragedy happen that has put strain on our marriage.

I think the accident and 06 ar the only thing that may have broken the cycle and now it is back into play.

I am not even sure they were just EA's, sometimes I think he just calls them that because I have never actually caught him in the physical act of cheating.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Even though he family and friends all said in the beginning that I was the prettiest girl they had ever seen him date, I have always gotten the impression he felt he could do better, that he had me, so maybe there was one better out there he could catch.

I have always thought he was good looking, but he seems to have an inflated sense of his own attractiveness. He told me this morning "Women have always hit on me". I told him he is always hitting on other women, which is true, he can be overly friendly and flirtatious and sometimes I don't think he even realizes it.

Sometimes I think he has used the affairs as a way to keep me feeling like I don't deserve anything better. Sometimes I think that is where he rage from my "EA" comes from. He sees himself as the one who is married to an inferior and the affairs are a way of keeping me in line and letting me know he is doing me a favor by staying. I feel like he is mad because I took his favorite weapon away.
 

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Allow me to cut to the chase. My take is that your husband is a serial cheater and that you regrettably rug swept his prior EA's - assuming that's all they were. It seems he has no respect for you because of this.

I would say, given his repeat behavior, that your chances of a positive (non-false) R would be slim at best.

I would suggest you do an immediate 180 on him (find the link), demand transparency (passwords to computer and phones) and accept nothing less than "complete" remorseful behavior from him.

If he complies, continue to monitor him and get into counseling. If he doesn't, file for divorce.

By the way, sorry you're here. Much of the advice you're likely to receive will be this abrupt, but perhaps more detailed. Listen to it. Most of us have been in your shoes.
 

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By catching him multiple times and continuing to forgive him, you've taught him that his behaviour is acceptable to you. As the expression goes... "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me". I realize you probably stayed for the sake of the kids, but really, what are you teaching them?

C
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I guess I am just coming here for reinforcement. I keep second guessing my decision and it is hard to give up after so long. I haven't told many people he is out of the house yet in case I can't go through with it.
I haven't told my family yet because it is embarrassing and I cannot count on support from them. After 09 I called my mom to tell her I was going to divorce him and she ripped me to shreds telling me I was doing it just to save face and I was going to put my children through hell with a divorce and her and my dad were not going to be there for me.
I don't really have any friends to talk to. One or both of us have been successful in keeping me isolated, even though he has plenty of family and friends and is allowed to come and go without jealousy.
 

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That alcohol needs to go. Ultimatums have arrived.

"I just filed, you should be served soon. No more drinking. No more going out. No more lies. I've had enough, I've wasted enough, I've waited enough, I deserve more than enough from someone better than enough. Will I consider R, and not going through D? Well as of now no, you're actions speak loud and clear to me that you do not love me, but only hurt me. Good night"
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
He offered to go to AA and delete his facebook page last week after I caught him. His excuse for the nastier messages mentioning me as his cheating ***** wife was he was drunk when he sent them.

I want to believe he will go to AA, but he has been to NA before due to his overuse of pot, and he has never quit. He as always felt like he should be able to come home from work and cop a buzz of some sort and meet his recliner. Even when the kids were little and I felt like I was drowning and overwhelmed he used the kids and the house being messy as a reason for being unhappy and justifying his wandering eye. This led to bought of depression on my part.

Earlier this year I saw some overly familiar and flirty posts on his facebook page. I told him I was mad about this and he deleted her, just to add her later. This sort of thing has happened several times.

He has never really stopped anything I have asked him to stop.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Today is DD+1wk and Valentines Day.

I am having trouble concentrating on things I need to concentrate on and i am testy after the verbal beating I got yesterday when talking to H. I had been pretty much NC but he wanted me to call him about taxes and car issues. I know I shouldn't have done it but I asked how he was and he said he was missing the family. Then the discussion started. I was like "We had clear boundaries, why would you break them?" and he was like "I needed to get back at you" when I pointed out his math sucks he moved on to my other faults and how he was justified in his past actions because the house was chaotic when he came home from work when the kids were little. We had four kids in 6 years, I worked odd shifts to avoid daycare costs and was a stressed out exhausted mess because I had no help in those years. H would either cop a buzz and sleep in his recliner after work or take off to God knows where leaving me to deal with the kids by myself. I was depressed and had to go on Paxil. It pisses me off that he uses those years as an excuse to cheat.

I was feeling bad and missing the good H. But talking to the bad H yesterday made me realize there is no hope.
 

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Either file for divorce, or resign yourself to a life consisting of more of the same. He's proven over and over he doesn't deserve to be trusted. Why are you still with him?
 

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Today is DD+1wk and Valentines Day.

I am having trouble concentrating on things I need to concentrate on and i am testy after the verbal beating I got yesterday when talking to H. I had been pretty much NC but he wanted me to call him about taxes and car issues. I know I shouldn't have done it but I asked how he was and he said he was missing the family. Then the discussion started. I was like "We had clear boundaries, why would you break them?" and he was like "I needed to get back at you" when I pointed out his math sucks he moved on to my other faults and how he was justified in his past actions because the house was chaotic when he came home from work when the kids were little. We had four kids in 6 years, I worked odd shifts to avoid daycare costs and was a stressed out exhausted mess because I had no help in those years. H would either cop a buzz and sleep in his recliner after work or take off to God knows where leaving me to deal with the kids by myself. I was depressed and had to go on Paxil. It pisses me off that he uses those years as an excuse to cheat.

I was feeling bad and missing the good H. But talking to the bad H yesterday made me realize there is no hope.
I'm sorry, but there never was a "good" or "bad" H. He's always been exactly who he is - a serial cheater and an addict, with all of the narcissistic traits and entitlement issues attendant to both of those conditions. You can leave or you can stay, but you can't fix him, and he won't fix himself enough, to make your marriage any better than it's always been.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I asked him to leave last week and he has been staying with his alcoholic father.

It hurts because I believe in marriage and it has been 20 years. I just wish he loved me enough to want to fix things.

This hurts.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Could my "EA" be to blame for him becoming so fixated on my betrayal and causing his anger issues like he says? He says he thinks I was having sex with multiple people during that time. I wasn't having sex with anyone but him.

Could I be to blame for this? Honestly? or am I just being a doormat?
 

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Was he honest and faithful before he started thinking you were having multiple affairs?
 

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Then why would you imagine you "made" him this way?

He's an addict and a serial cheater. That started before your EA and before he started accusing you of screwing around. It's not your fault. He's broken. You didn't break him. You can't fix him.
 
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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Last night my oldest daughter asked "Are you sure you aren't going to take him back?" I think the reason the kids have been really calm about this is they expect their dad home eventually.

This made me want to know more, so I poured over the cell phone records for the past year. Back in the spring for a period of several months there was heavy amounts of texts to a certain number and plenty of one minute phone calls to same number. Those dwindled one summer hit. Then again in the fall the same pattern emerged with a different number that only dwindled when he was having trouble with his phone.

I do not recognize these two numbers. I have tried spydialer and free spokeo, facebook etc and can't find the owners.

I think as well as the facebook trolling he had two other affairs last year.
 

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Could my "EA" be to blame for him becoming so fixated on my betrayal and causing his anger issues like he says? He says he thinks I was having sex with multiple people during that time. I wasn't having sex with anyone but him.

Could I be to blame for this? Honestly? or am I just being a doormat?
No. He is responsible for his choices. As you are for your own. Stop worrying about him or his idiotic accusations, and worry about yourself and the kids. You cannot control, nor change your husband. You can control yourself, and what you will and will not accept. Continue to stand up for yourself. If he comes back, then no alcohol, no weed, he has to contribute to the family in real, positive, meaningful ways. That is not too much to demand.
 
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