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I'm 35 years old. My wife is about to turn 30. We have two kids...3 and 4. I work and go to school part time. She is a stay at home mom. We have been married for over 5 years.

Last year we had our fair share of marital problems that I am still trying to deal with but what doesn't help is here inability to be a homemaker. The house is always a mess, every morning I have to dig through mounds of dirty clothes just to find something to wear to work. I have a very professional job that requires me to wear dress clothes. There have been times that we couldn't even leave the house cause all the boys clothes were dirty. Every time I confront her about her about the house and laundry, I get the same line "I cant get anything done when the kids are awake". I call BS on that cause when I'm home on the weekends and get fed up enough to start cleaning the house...I actually get them to help.

She has told me many times that she was not meant to be a stay at home mom. Growing up here mom was the main provider and she told me that once a week they had a maid come in and clean their house. Yesterday I was doing a deep clean of the house like I have to do every weekend now it seems and while cleaning I was getting more and more disgusted with the condition of our house. On her side of the bed are empty bags of chips and candy...for a month a half drank can of beer sat on her nightstand as well as an empty mcdonalds cup. She came in the room and noticed the disgust on my face and asked what my problem was and I said i'm just disgusted by this place and how filthy it was. She continued to leave the room an say "Here we go"

I finally old her to stop touching my clothes. that I would take care of my own laundry from now on. She responded with fine and said you can clean the house too if you don't like the way I do it. Then as she was making dinner (which is a rare occasion) she said screw this, dumped all the food in the sink and left the house. I then had to finish cleaning, make the kids dinner, clean up dinner, start the laundry so I had clothes for work this week.

She finally came home at 10pm, didn't say a word to me and this morning when I left for work she was still giving me the silent treatment, either that or she was still asleep like she always is when everyone else in the house is awake.

I just don't know what to do anymore. With our past issues combined with this, i don't know how much more I can take. I feel like i'm living with a college roommate that watches my kids. She barely cooks, only cleans when an argument takes place, she's gained almost 75-80 lbs over the last few years, sleeps all the time, doesn't work, doesn't go to school...I just want someone to work with me and not have to fight about this stupid stuff all the time.

Sorry for the rant....this stuff has just been boiling in my head for months...maybe years.
 

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Sounds like she is possibly depressed.

As for your work clothes, take those to the dry cleaner. It's worth the little bit extra not to have to deal with keepin them clean and pressed.

What are her work options? Maybe she needs to get out and do something. Being a stay at home mom can certainly be incredibly boring and under stimulating. My wife did it for almost 3 years and expressed that to me on more than one occasion.

Do you offer to take her on a date just to get her out of the house and feeling more vibrant?
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I agree with JD. Sounds like depression. The completel lack of trying to keep the "nest" clean, the weight gain, the sleeping...all points to it. How young are the kids? Residual post partum?
 

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I am going to fourth depression. I have 4 kids. The younger two are the same age as yours. It is overwhelming and they destroy the house faster than I can clean it most days. Is she getting out with other adults at all when you are home? Being a SAHM is emotionally exhausting. She needs to recharge but I also think she is likely depressed.
 

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I'm not so sure about depression. This sounds like something that has been ongoing for the OP's household. Most depressions resolve themselves even without treatment in about 6 months.

In any case, if she won't get help or make changes, you're going to have to. It sounds to me like she doesn't have realistic expectations about marriage. It may be time to have a very blunt talk with her and tell her she isn't bringing enough to the marriage table and let her make some choices. She can figure out how to manage the household adequately, or she can get a job, or do better at both, but if she doesn't, you're going to (insert your plan here.)
 

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You should definitely explore the depression issue first but I'm not sure this is it.

Regardless of that outcome, you'll have to start asking yourself some questions:

Do you still love her in spite of the way she is?
Do you still want to ne married to her?

She's obviously not the homebody you want. Tell her if she isn't going to take care of the house, she needs to get a full time job so you can hire someone to come in a couple days a week
 

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My wife grew up with a maid as well as a nanny until she went to college. She never had to wash a single dish most of her childhood, she never saw her mom cook or clean, and I am not sure if my wife ever made up the bed before school in the morning. I knew all this before we got married.

My wife was a SAHM until just recently when I made her get a job. Our daughter is 9 years old. Her house keeping skills has never been all that great. I do most of the cooking and cleaning even when she was home all day.

My wife had a very hard time just being mom, especially when our daughter was 3 years old. She really wore my wife out. Not that it is an excuse for not keeping house.

What helped us during that time is hiring a housekeeper once a week. It wasn’t the best option, but at least I would come home to a clean home once a week. Then in a few days, the clutter would pile up.

Nothing I say, do, or threaten, works to improve on her home skills.
Once our daughter started a moms day out program, she didn’t have an excuse anymore. I realized she wasn’t ever going to change.

Does she have any hobbies, interests, friends? She may need a life outside of being mom. What about a part-time job she can do?
 

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I'm going out into left field a little here, and not to hijack but this thread keeps making me think of the era when I was growing up - the age of feminism. In the early 70s. Many of the things I'm seeing on TAM about SAHMs reflects the things women were saying back in the day - that staying home was NOT what they wanted to do, and that they should have the right to equal pay for equal work, etc.

The arguments I heard back then (and agreed with at the time) were that not everyone is cut out to be a homemaker. Some women are too ambitious to stay home. Some men would prefer to be SAHDs, but don't get the chance.

In recent years, there has been a trend back toward a single-income family model, and it seems that the same issues are coming up again, this time from men who feel that their homemakers aren't doing any homemaking.

I'm sure there's a lesson to be found in all of this by somehow studying the past, but I'm not sure how to go about it!
 

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don't know if this question was asked or not, has your W always been like this? If she has always been like this the chances are she is NOT depressed just lazy!
 
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