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I don't know what to do!!!

1034 Views 8 Replies 9 Participants Last post by  healme
My husband and I started off and friends with benefits. For 3 weeks we were hot and heavy. Then he asked me if we could be more. 2 weeks after that I moved in with him and 21 days after that we conceived our son. September 2008 I gave birth to our son. October 2008 he proposed. November 2009 we were married. Now we have been together 5 years, Married 3 years. We have 2 beautiful boys.

Yesterday while he was at work he text me (yes text) "I want a Divorce." He told me he is unhappy and he has been trying to make the best our of a bad situation. He said that its nothing that can be fixed. He said he is sick of my control issues and my attitude. He says he is sick of not getting to do anything with out there being some kind of problem. And that he just wants to be able to golf or have a drink without catching "crap" from me. He said he still loves me and wants nothing more than to be happy. But he has been trying for years and nothing is fixing it.

With that said he is right. I do have control issues and I do have a bad temper. And I do get an attitude when he goes golfing. But we have spent 5 years of every day he has off together and only being apart when he is at work.

I am working on my issues. We are very broke so I am having to deal with it all on my own. We can not afford for me to go to therapy. So I am doing research on whys to help control my temper and help me let go and not control everything.

But I digress....I told him that it is not far to just end everything when I am working on my issues and if that whats wrong and we could be happy we owe it to our self's and our kids to try. He told me " You have me so torn right now." and then stopped texting. He gets home and acts like noting is wrong. He kisses me, grabs my butt and tells me he loves me and missed me. We have dinner and play with the kids. We put the kids to bed and still nothing.

This morning I asked him if we were ok and he said "Yeah baby why wouldn't we be?" What do I do? I don't know how to deal with this.
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Let's see...April 1 is a few months away, so it can't be April Fools. Nope, what if you sit him down and ask...What about these text messages? Then shut up and listen. Sit there an hour if it takes him that long to open up and say what he feels. I think there is always hope and a chance at rebuilding and that it's far easier to restore a broken relationship than to forge a brand new one.

You are on the right track in admitting that you have control issues, so that's in your favor. Just get him talking and listen to him. Do not try to control or fix anything, just be open to what he wants to do.

He is an idiot if he thinks bailing out is his key to happiness.
You two are not OK

You need to talk with him and ask him if he is willing to try and work these issues through

I know money is tight and I am sure this also places more stress on you two but you need professional help. Check with your local government agencies and local hospitals to see if anyone offers free or low-cost counseling
Yeah, I agree. I don't think he really thinks that you guys are "okay," I think he's just not ready to cope with the idea of divorce quite yet.

You should definitely try to have a serious conversation about that text message. Make sure he understands that you really are trying to work on yourself, and also be sure to really do work on yourself. If you can't afford therapy, maybe you can try some self-help books(at risk of sounding corny). I've tried some, and they really did help me, if only in the slightest.

Hang in there
He grabbed your butt? Perhaps he's horny.

But I think he's going to leave anyway. When that happens, you're not going to have the excuse about whether or not you knew he was unhappy.
Call his bluff and act like like you are going through with the divorce.
You have to be the first to own this problem. Your control issues and temper have shut him down to the point where the only way he can communicate is via text. Ask him for six months to show REAL improvement.

Then beg, borrow, steal and get another job to get some therapy. Find a low cost provider (university, clinic, non-profit, etc.). After you have done some individual work and the therapist recommends it, bring him in.

Good luck
Your control issues are at the heart of the issue and his behavior is secondary. If you cannot afford therapy you could make a start by considering what FEARS you have that are behind your controlling behavior. You will be fearing some things, and you are trying to ensure they don't happen by attempting to control everything.
Once you know what your fears are, you have made a huge step forward. Then it's only a question examining each of them and dissolving them.
Once you start at least working on yourself you may also find your husband wants to be with you more - if he sees you are willing to deal with your issues.
I dont think that you and your control are the only problem here,lack of communication is.
If he has been having some trouble with your behaviour from so long he should have made it obvious or talked about it with you and have you work on it or "worked with you"
Do you guys ever talk or do things together?
Whats the reason for your 'bad temper'
Is that lack of communication/connection the reason for your bad temper?have you ever felt loved with him?
I ask you all this cuz we need to get to the heart of the problem which is 'not'you but the dynamics of your relationship
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