[generalinformatics]

First post so hello all! Joined after reading some posts and felt like I needed to put my story down and get some advice on where my marriage is heading..

Me and my wife have been together for 12 years and married for 10, we have two children and all has been going well up until recently.

Out of the blue a few months back, we had an big falling out which resulted in her saying that she wasnt sure she loved me anymore to the point where she wanted to seperate. we sat down and talked about it into the early hours of the morning and a couple of things emerged which have kinda scared the c**p out of me. Firstly she has said to me she has had multiple men asking her out on dates, one of which knows she is married and she is friendly with. She goes out drinking with all these friends on a regular basis typically leaving me at home on my own to look after the kids sometimes every night of the week.

She has repeatidly denied that she is having a relationship with any of these men but she keeps on saying she really likes one, but "only as a friend and he knows that". He is single. She says she wants to go out as because she is a homemaker and looks a fter the kids during the day, i am happy for her to go out and have a social life when I get back. She typically gets back anytime from 10pm to gone midnight. Im just not sure if I can trust her completly.

However over the last few months i have been getting increasingly depressed and down in the dumps over this. I feel I am trapped at home not able to socialise and enjoy myself as much as i would, everything i do is typically with her and the kids and I do not get any "me" time like she does and Im kinda starting to resent it.

She keeps asking me whats wrong and I tell her, and the general outcome is another big argument with her saying she will stop going out with her firends so I can and wont have a social life. This is to the extreme imo as I am ok for her going out if she wants to but I also want to see her in the evenings!

I think im typically the passive in the relationship with my wife more the dominant person and im starting to resent it as I feel she walks all over me, and the kids walk all over me too.

i do get the feeling sometimes Im in a loveless marriage, but then other times small things happen that perk us both up and make us happier, but it soon starts to go back to the same old normal routine.

I work with a single female colleague at work in my job and she has accused me of having a relationship with her which is completly and utterly untrue but im still not sure if she believes me. I look around me at work and see lots of my colleagues having lots of fun and going out socialising and cannot help but feel Im loosing out.

She says she has felt this way about us for years, but it has only been this bad for about the last 9 months, i still Love her but not sure if Im in love with her anymores..

I have suggested councilling but she says we can just talk it out between us, im scared to because i dont want to start another huge argument which is where are talks typically end up. so i tend to keep my mouth shut and carry on keeping my feelings inside until we have another explosion.

Im guessing I need someone to talk to and advice on what to do to make my marriage better, if I can. at this moment Im honestly not sure if I have the strength to carry on fighting for it. its even getting to the stage where at home I end up working in the evenings when she is out because I dont have anything else I can do.

I love my kids and dont want to hurt them at all and I dont know what I would do if I was not with them.

Help me..

A Sad and depressed husband..

 

[trey69]

You need to step up to the plate if you want to try and save the marriage. Try to put your foot down on certain issues. For example when you said, she goes out drinking with these friends and leaves you home, I'm assuming you mean she goes out drinking with these men friends. To me thats unacceptable behavior. You need to tell her, its either these "friends" or me.

I also think its highly possible if shes not in a PA she is caught up in a EA. Most of the time, when a person is caught up in either a PA or EA, they are usually willing to put less effort into the marriage, dis the marriage as a whole, and defend other people, in her case, her "friends".

Its time to give her an ultimatium, and you need to follow through with what you say.

 

[justanaveragejoe]

im scared to because i dont want to start another huge argument which is where are talks typically end up. so i tend to keep my mouth shut and carry on keeping my feelings inside until we have another explosion.

here is your problem, you dont know how to communicate with each other, sounds like you have two forms of expression, its either silence or rage,

stop letting things build up inside, sit down and talk calmly like adults,

 

[generalinformatics]

You need to step up to the plate if you want to try and save the marriage. Try to put your foot down on certain issues. For example when you said, she goes out drinking with these friends and leaves you home, I'm assuming you mean she goes out drinking with these men friends. To me thats unacceptable behavior. You need to tell her, its either these "friends" or me.

I also think its highly possible if shes not in a PA she is caught up in a EA. Most of the time, when a person is caught up in either a PA or EA, they are usually willing to put less effort into the marriage, dis the marriage as a whole, and defend other people, in her case, her "friends".

Its time to give her an ultimatium, and you need to follow through with what you say.

Hi Trey

Thanks for your reply, sorry im new here whats PA and EA??

 

[trey69]

Hi Trey

Thanks for your reply, sorry im new here whats PA and EA??

PA= Physical Affair
EA= Emotional Affair

 

[Toffer]

general,

An EA is an emotional affair. PA is physical affair

 

[Jellybeans]

Firstly she has said to me she has had multiple men asking her out on dates, one of which knows she is married and she is friendly with. She goes out drinking with all these friends on a regular basis typically leaving me at home on my own to look after the kids sometimes every night of the week.

She has repeatidly denied that she is having a relationship with any of these men but she keeps on saying she really likes one, but "only as a friend and he knows that". He is single.

Danger! Danger!

Why are you allowing this? These guys totally want in he pants and by the looks of it, she won't take that much convincing. She is disrespecting you. You better believe there is inappropriateness going on here.

Nip this in the bud if you want your marriage. Realize it takes efforts on both parts.



********************** | ***************************************** | ***************************************

 

[Toffer]

general,

Your wife has given you the I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You speech (ILYBNILWY). This is often one of the Red Flags seen in marriages that could indicate an affair is happening or about to. Some of the other Red Flags that you've seen are:

-she has had multiple men asking her out on dates, one of which knows she is married and she is friendly with
-She goes out drinking with all these friends on a regular basis typically leaving me at home sometimes every night of the week.
- she keeps on saying she really likes one, but "only as a friend

Also, her attempt to make it look like you're in an affair is very typical of a cheater

I would advise you to do the following NOW:

Put a kylogger on your PC
Get the records from your cell provider as far back as you can go. Look for a lot of texts/calls to one or a few different numbers
Buy a voice activated recorder (VAR) and put it under the seat of her car with heavy duty velcro. Cheaters feel comfortable talking in their cars.

Do not ask or accuse her of cheating. Investigate quietly and get hard evidence before you confront. Others have made the mistake of confronting without hard evidence and it has never turned out well for them.

A couple of other questions:

-Is her cell phone password protected?
-Has she started to act differently or changed any behaviors other than the ones you already mentioned?
-Is she dressing differently or working out?
-On her nights out, does she shower before coming to bed?

Your wife is not acting like a married woman. She should not be out to all hours of the night with other men. She should be spending that time with you.

I'm sorry but I would be very surprised if she wasn't having an affair

Last, do some reading in the Coping With Infidelity section. It will open your eyes

 

[Emerald]

Loving, loyal married women with children don't go out partying with random men.

They stay home with their families.

Loving, loyal married women go out partying with their husbands & get a babysitter.

I think she needs to get a job or quit complaining about being a SAHM.

Others will chime in about possible affairs.

 

[generalinformatics]

Hmm

food for thought.. To be honest Ive thought about the affair thing and have asked her if there is anything going on to which she has passionatily denied and said "im the only one for her" and i kinda fell for it.

Ive got a works xmas party coming up would like to go, but to be honest kinda scared incase I get accused of anything else with this women in work.

 

[generalinformatics]

While im on the subject of my female work colleage. She is a nice friendly women and we do talk a lot about stuff in work but as far as Im concerned she is just a friend. Unless im in denial at the moment but my mind is all over the place and I dont know what to think at the moment

Its kinda like a Feel happier at work at the moment than at home, becuase I have company. there is nothing going on between my work colleage and me and im pretty sure neither of us would want anything going on in present circumstances or at all. Ive always been rubbish at reading people so I dont really know

 

[dormant]

While im on the subject of my female work colleage. She is a nice friendly women and we do talk a lot about stuff in work but as far as Im concerned she is just a friend. Unless im in denial at the moment but my mind is all over the place and I dont know what to think at the moment

That's how it always starts out....

 

[Toffer]

That's how it always starts out....

Hold the phone here

It isn't the OP we are dealing with here. he's not the one doing all this other stuff!

 

[Emerald]

Hold the phone here

It isn't the OP we are dealing with here. he's not the one doing all this other stuff!

Agree.

She's accusing him to cover her own dubious actions.

 

[generalinformatics]

Im only trying to sort my head out here!!! I honestly dont know things at the moment

 

[Another Planet]

You are right to be concerned. She is not being a good wife or mother. Put your foot down about your needs.

You are interested in the other woman at work because of how your wife is treating you. Do not do anything with her, you can wait until you are divorced.

I think over the years the definition of marriage has been lost to alot of people.

 

[generalinformatics]

I am at home again tonight with the kids she has gone out with her mum

We both went round s friends last night got slightly drunk she spent the night with the girls

And yes I was stuck with all there kids

Just had a shouting match with the kids tonight as they were fighting
And throwing things they ignored me

Sat here in dark crying now because I have no respect from anyone and never felt this bad
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[generalinformatics]

So yes I guess I'm starting to think about this work colleague while wondering if im being treated as a free babysitter.

 

[Another Planet]

Don't do anything with her yet. You will look worse in the eyes of the judge. You need to get your head straight, now is the time to collect intel to make you look as good as possible in court.

That girl and many others will be waiting on the other side, especially if you man up and start working on yourself.

 

[generalinformatics]

I dunno tho

Part of me is sad sometimes part is happy I don't want to hurt the kids badly

I've always been the one that wants everyone else to be happy above my own needs and happiness

I try to please everyone

Perhaps I have changed had enough I dunno
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