[DameEdna]

But this is something that's been ongoing for years and I've just ignored it and we've continued enjoying a relatively normal marriage, going on lovely extravagant holidays every year, nice house, not a bad sex life.

We've had issues with EAs and the internet in the past, which we've both ignored, so by ignoring it, I guess I've just given out signals that it's ok for him to continue....

He's always worked long hours anyway, rarely home before about 7.30-8pm or even later (12 hour+ days) but now I'm starting to wonder if there's more to it than just "work!"

I decided to phone him tonight at work, yes he was still at work (6.30pm) but he sounded "odd" like he was expecting someone else to call maybe (might just be my suspicious mind) I said I'd done him a nice meal if he was interested and he said he would leave in half an hour.

Usually I don't mind it if it's about 7.30ish (though it's stupidly late) when he's home. But any time after that I get angry and quietly am annoyed, though he doesn't really notice because I try and remain normal when he gets home. He seems to go out for what sounds to be perfectly legitimate social events to do with work (like my own work, they rarely invite OHs) but sometimes these could be another cover for any wrongdoings.

I am afraid and dislike confrontation. I am afraid to know if he's got another woman (he would just deny it anyway) I don't want to disrupt our otherwise cosy life, but I don't fully trust him.

I've had EAs in the past, so he probably doesn't trust me either. Both have had secret email a/cs. He's often done stuff because I've done it. Rather than talk to me and discuss it, he's just seen it as his "green light" to doing same.

It's something we never want to talk about.

What shall I do?

 

[waiwera]

There seems to be a lot you don't talk about in your marriage?

Communication is the key to working on/out most marital issues.

 

[barbados]

Really sounds like you two could use MC.

Did you ever get to the reasons for your EA's ?

 

[ody360]

Yeah you to both need to see a MC and soon. You 2 sound like you don't talk about anything emotional and you 2 rug swept the EA's.

For if he is having a affair. I'm sorry but i don't think you have much to go off of. Have you ever snooped and looked into his phone or check his emails? Sounds like there are trust issues here and this needs to be resolve or your gonna go crazy. Communication is the key to a healthy marriage. that needs to get resolved also.

 

[Hope1964]

Do you WANT to know if he's cheating? If he is, then what? Will you kick him out? Divorce him? Or just continue ignoring it so your life isn't disrupted?

 

[Ever-Man]

But this is something that's been ongoing for years and I've just ignored it and we've continued enjoying a relatively normal marriage, going on lovely extravagant holidays every year, nice house, not a bad sex life.

We've had issues with EAs and the internet in the past, which we've both ignored, so by ignoring it, I guess I've just given out signals that it's ok for him to continue....

He's always worked long hours anyway, rarely home before about 7.30-8pm or even later (12 hour+ days) but now I'm starting to wonder if there's more to it than just "work!"

I decided to phone him tonight at work, yes he was still at work (6.30pm) but he sounded "odd" like he was expecting someone else to call maybe (might just be my suspicious mind) I said I'd done him a nice meal if he was interested and he said he would leave in half an hour.

Usually I don't mind it if it's about 7.30ish (though it's stupidly late) when he's home. But any time after that I get angry and quietly am annoyed, though he doesn't really notice because I try and remain normal when he gets home. He seems to go out for what sounds to be perfectly legitimate social events to do with work (like my own work, they rarely invite OHs) but sometimes these could be another cover for any wrongdoings.

I am afraid and dislike confrontation. I am afraid to know if he's got another woman (he would just deny it anyway) I don't want to disrupt our otherwise cosy life, but I don't fully trust him.

I've had EAs in the past, so he probably doesn't trust me either. Both have had secret email a/cs. He's often done stuff because I've done it. Rather than talk to me and discuss it, he's just seen it as his "green light" to doing same.

It's something we never want to talk about.

What shall I do?

Is your objective to discover if your husband is having an affair, or do you want to talk to your husband about the state of your relationship?

It sounds like you don't want to risk divorce by "finding out" about the affair, or pressuring your husband, but the affairs are also a risk for you, and you have a right to know.

I wouldn't confront him, it sounds like you are not ready for that disruption to your relationship. You may want to first investigate and see if you can find out the truth, a simple VAR hidden in his car may be enough.

I am in a similiar boat as you, uncertain if my spouse is engaged in an office affair, I just have a gut feeling something is up. Like you, my marriage is fairly solid, we travel a lot too, but I have suspicions.

You should consider hiding a VAR in his car.

 

[Tony55]

• I am afraid and dislike confrontation.
• I am afraid to know if he's got another woman.
• I don't want to disrupt our otherwise cozy life.
• I don't fully trust him.
• I've had EAs (Plural) in the past.
• He probably doesn't trust me either.
• Both have had secret email.
• He's often done stuff because I've done it.

What shall I do?

Do nothing, why spoil a good thing?

T

 

[ubercoolpanda]

What do you mean by.. " he's often done stuff because I've done it" ?
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[JustSomeGuyWho]

But this is something that's been ongoing for years and I've just ignored it and we've continued enjoying a relatively normal marriage, going on lovely extravagant holidays every year, nice house, not a bad sex life.

We've had issues with EAs and the internet in the past, which we've both ignored, so by ignoring it, I guess I've just given out signals that it's ok for him to continue....

He's always worked long hours anyway, rarely home before about 7.30-8pm or even later (12 hour+ days) but now I'm starting to wonder if there's more to it than just "work!"

I decided to phone him tonight at work, yes he was still at work (6.30pm) but he sounded "odd" like he was expecting someone else to call maybe (might just be my suspicious mind) I said I'd done him a nice meal if he was interested and he said he would leave in half an hour.

Usually I don't mind it if it's about 7.30ish (though it's stupidly late) when he's home. But any time after that I get angry and quietly am annoyed, though he doesn't really notice because I try and remain normal when he gets home. He seems to go out for what sounds to be perfectly legitimate social events to do with work (like my own work, they rarely invite OHs) but sometimes these could be another cover for any wrongdoings.

I am afraid and dislike confrontation. I am afraid to know if he's got another woman (he would just deny it anyway) I don't want to disrupt our otherwise cosy life, but I don't fully trust him.

I've had EAs in the past, so he probably doesn't trust me either. Both have had secret email a/cs. He's often done stuff because I've done it. Rather than talk to me and discuss it, he's just seen it as his "green light" to doing same.

It's something we never want to talk about.

What shall I do?

What does he do? I am in information technology and some positions I've had and some projects I've worked on frequently involve long hours. I worked at a startup company and there were times I slept at the office on consecutive days. I've worked 100 hour weeks for weeks, even months at a time. Sometimes it is a hard habit to break ... going from that to a normal 40 hour work week feels like you are slacking at your job ... that's when you know it is an addiction.

HOWEVER ... if there are problems in your marriage or he is bored in the marriage ... he may start using work as an excuse to stay away from home. He may actually be going to work but not because it is necessary for him to be there. The problem is that you cannot work all the time forever ... it will wear you down. He may at that point start finding other things to do when he is supposedly at work. Find ways to cope. Cheating may be one of them. I know ... I have done those things and it set me back in life. I never went the way of cheating but I did become self-destructive. Fortunately I recognized it and set myself straight.

I can't say he is cheating. I can tell you my wife suspected it ... after all, no normal guy works that much. I DID work that much MOST of the time. It is also true that there were times when I wasn't working but used that excuse not to be home. I wasn't cheating in my case but that doesn't rule it out for him.

Even if he isn't cheating, you have a problem. I got jarred out of it when I realized I was being self-destructive. It wasn't because my wife sat me down to express her concern ... I always had an excuse why I HAD to be at work. It was when there were consequences, just as there are with any addiction. Just like any addiction, you can be self-destructive and do things you wouldn't normally do.

I would strongly suggest counseling. I would start with marriage counseling. It may come out that it would be in his best interest to attend individual counseling BUT he will have to recognize that and he will only be able to recognize that when he understands that he has a problem.