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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi
I have been with my husband for nearly nine years and married for one. We are going through a difficult time and I don't know how to help him or myself. He is coming to the end of completing his PHD and unfortunately he does not have an income and although he has done some paid work this year it has not been enough to get us by with myself only having one job. I am a casual teacher and as my work depends on if I get a call or not, I have taken on another two jobs, although one of the jobs is only once a month on a Saturday, as such it means that I have worked between on average 3 to 5 days teaching and the same with the night Job getting up at 6am and not get home till 10:30pm.

I am also the main person who does the housework and when ever I ask him to help out more he says that house work is not important and I should not worry about it so much, (I am mostly asking for more help with the dishes as I am not home for dinner most nights and there will be dishes left until the weekend if I did not do it) He feels that I don't give him enough credit when he does do it and therefore wont do them any more. ( I have admitted to him that yes I should give him more credit, and I do have at times say thats not enough which I know is not the right thing to say but it is usually when he has done a load of dishes but there are two more loads to go and he wont do them as well, I have to.)

This year I have also been studying part time which I know has affected me as I have felt that I have no time for myself let alone any one else. I do feel a resentment towards my husband as he usually does not get out of bed till 8:30/9am and then is home by 3pm and he does rugby training 2 nights a week and played on a saturday, he would also sometimes go to trivia on a wednesday night. Now he has turned to me and said that I have not given him any emotional support since the honeymoon and that he has given it all and if i want to make this marriage work I will have to do all the emotional work as well, and then the next day a girl "friend" rang up ( whom had slept over at my house while I was a way for study and had dinners and coffee's with him at work when i had not meet her) and he ran out the door saying he had to help her.

I don't really know how to help him with his emotional support as he tells me he is struggling with his PHD and does not know what to do, so I suggest to him to seek help from his mentor or other people who know about his project but I get in trouble for saying that and he tells me that I am just trying to pass the problem on, I cant ask about his day any more as he tells me he does not want to talk about it, but he does not ask about my day and if I tell him he tells me he is not interested.

I got to the point that I could not handle it any more so I went back to my parents but I did not want to leave him by himself as I think he has depression so I sent his dad to him. He is now saying that I betrayed him and he does not know if he can forgive me. So when I said to him, well I will move out he is now saying that I have not been listening to him and and I need to take responsibility for my actions and he thought all I need was space but it has been two weeks and I have not had one message of I love you or I miss you from him when we use to say it all the time to each other.

Please help I don't know what to do.
 

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What is his Ph.D going to be in? Is it the sort of field that he will be able to get a job in after completion?

I take it you don't have kids?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I don't have children. His PHD is in Chemistry and he does not know if he would be able to get a job easily. But he wont talk to me about job opportunities so I don't really know.
 

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HOw many hours a week do you work at your jobs?

How many hours as week does he actually spend in class and studying?

Who is paying for things like his tuition, books, etc?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
No I am in Australia. His scholarship ran out in march this year. The minimum that I usually work is 40 hours per week but that depends on when I get calls to teach mostly it has been around the 55 hours or higher, the days are longer as I dont usually go home between jobs because I live in a different direction to the places I usually work and I hit peak hour traffic home and to work again.
 

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Since his scholarship ran you, are you paying his tutition now?

When is he supposed to graduate?

Has he looked into internships?
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I dont actually know how much he is studying as for the last few months he keeps telling me that he can't focus but wont agree to any professional help and it has pushed back the date that he will finish his PHD by 6 months.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
He does work a but but it is only around 6 hours a fortnight and it is only during uni semester times.
 

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He says that you do not thank him for doing dishes so he’s not doing to do them?
Does he thank you for working, doing the house work and earning the money to support the two of you?

Now I think that spouses should show each other appreciation. But house work is as much his job as it is yours. Why does he think housework is your job?
 

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Do you have a degree?

Sorry for all the questions but I'm trying to get a better picture.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
He does not think it is mine but he does not think that it is important at all. He came from family that didn't really do housework and he would tell me how he didn't like it. I dont know what to do I have been happier staying with my parents then I have been staying with him especially in the last couple of months.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Yes I have a degree in teaching and I have just Completed my Religious education to teach in Catholic schools as well.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
While I was studying I worked two jobs as well. I am frighten that he will not be able to hold down a job as he has only had a job for 12 weeks before he started his PHD and then he gave the job up.
 

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Your husband does not help you in any way willingly. He does help to even support himself financially. He cheated on your in the past (physcial affair) and seems mto be cheating on you now.

I can understand why you are happier at your mother's. Stay there. Get a divorce. Take care of yourself.

If he is not working now he will never work as long as he has you to do everything for him.

Find enough love for yourself to take care of YOU>

That's my taken on it.
 

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You have a leach on your hands. He may be studying but he still got time and 2 healthy hands. Make him get a job and be a real man.

That world is really getting upside down
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
He has not cheated on me. The girl slept on the lounge but I did not know her then and he did not tell me she was over, I figured it out when the Blankets were folded which he would not do, so I asked and he told me. His said it was a mistake.
 

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If you are relieved and happy to be away from him I think that tells you a lot.

Putting off finishing his degree and not working enough are not good signs. It sounds like he doesn't like to put much effort into things (the house, your relationship, making money, finishing a degree) and he feels your most important function is to support him, even if he's doing nothing to support you. That is unlikely to change. (I'm married to someone similar)

It also sounds like either he hit a wall with his thesis or is putting off finishing it because he will then have to go out and try to get a 'real' job. Sometimes people choose to go for an advanced degree because it seems easier than fighting the job market.

If he won't even discuss his plans for future employment, that's also not a good sign.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I don't know whether to keep going with my marriage or that there is too much to work through. He has not contacted me in two weeks and when I have made contact he tells me that I am not listening to him and i have not tried to give him the emotional support he needs.
 
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