[inlimbo12]

(a quick background) My husband and I have been married for three years, together for a total of almost eight. No kids right now (we're not sure if we want any). We met while working together and became friends and then over time had feelings for each other.

Like a lot of couples, we had sex regularly in the beginning, but over the years it's less frequent (sometimes going a couple months without it). We both work a lot and that combined with not exercising regularly hasn't helped the situation. It's generally this way because I don't feel like having sex with him or am too exhausted from my commute. Also, my husband isn't very romantic and I try to be that way with him in hopes that he might do the same (i.e. little surprises, notes), but he just isn't like that. There are just no surprises and I don't feel any excitement with him.

Another factor (that I am totally ashamed to admit) is that I've started fantasizing about a man I see regularly on the subway I take to work. The ridiculous part is that we've never even spoken, but we're both always looking at each other (usually I find that he's been watching me first). Over time I became more and more excited by the idea of a stranger being attracted to me. Part of me thinks that I just like the fantasy of being with a stranger because I am bored and feel like my husband is more of a friend/roommate than a husband most of the time, but since I've felt this way about my husband for a couple years I am not sure.

Whatever it may be, I feel horrible and guilty about it because my husband is a really nice person and for the most part I think we're a good fit for each other. I just don't know how to get the passion back since it's been so long since we've been that way with each other. What would you do in this situation? I've talked with him about this a little and even suggested counseling, but I don't think it ever really sinks in how we really NEED to do something to help.

 

[40isthenew20]

My first suggestion would be to join a gym and go together. Even three days a week is a good start. And clean up yor diets (if necessary). You would be astonished how everything else fals back into place once both parties feel better about themselves.

You're fantasizing about the train guy because you're human. That's normal to let your mind wander when receiving positive attention from a stranger. But if you're happily married, leave it there.

 

[LearninAsWeGo]

Lingerie, candles, and wine.... dedicated date nights.

In the longer term, better communication, gym, and discussing fantasies you can do together is the ultimate solution. GL, and get a different train or another way to work... that energy is taking away the little romantic energy you have by directing it away from your husband.

 

[wiigirl]

My first suggestion would be to join a gym and go together. Even three days a week is a good start. And clean up yor diets (if necessary). You would be astonished how everything else fals back into place once both parties feel better about themselves.

You're fantasizing about the train guy because you're human. That's normal to let your mind wander when receiving positive attention from a stranger. But if you're happily married, leave it there.

:iagree:

 

[PHTlump]

I've talked with him about this a little and even suggested counseling, but I don't think it ever really sinks in how we really NEED to do something to help.

If you're typical, you drop some hints that you're not exactly blissfully happy in your marriage, and you hope that he gets your meaning. That rarely works. So you have to be brutally blunt. Tell your husband that you have very little attraction to him and you would like for him to do something about that. Tell him that you've begun fantasizing about another man. Buy him the Married Man Sex Life Primer and make him read it. If he won't read it, read it to him. And if none of that works, tell him you plan to make an appointment with a counselor, or a lawyer, and he should decide which it's going to be. Sometimes, people need to be whacked upside the head before they understand there's a problem. Don't get divorced because you were too polite to tell your husband there was a problem.

Good luck.